There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It’s
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:

'Good trade…..’

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked

For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.


It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He’d been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that for more than
Three decades she had ‘charged’ him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I’d had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!’

That’s when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don’t know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
 
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?

“Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted’.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:  'You can have mine.’
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
_________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ Father replied, 'I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.’
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’
_________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say –

talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, 'You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
__________
A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for:

Wisdom, to understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for strength I’ll just beat him to death’

This is just beautiful.  Please pass it on.

The Pink Dress 
There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. 

Everyone passed by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad. 

Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and watched the people go by. 

She never tried to speak.. 

She never said a word. 

Many people passed by her, but no one would stop. 

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see If the little girl would still be there. 

Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and still with the same sad look in her eyes 

Today I was to make my own move and walk over to the little girl. 

For as we all know, a park full of strange people is not a place for young children to play alone. 

As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl’s dress. 

It was grotesquely shaped. 

I figured that was the reason people just passed by and made no effort to speak to her. 

Deformities are a low blow to our society and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is different. 

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my intent stare. 

As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more clearly. 

She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form. 

I smiled to let her know it was OK; I was there to help, to talk. 

I sat down beside her and opened with a simple, ‘Hello.’ 

The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a 'Hi’; after a long Stare into my eyes. 

I smiled and she shyly smiled back 

We talked until darkness fell and the park was completely empty. 

I asked the girl why she was so sad. 

The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, 'Because, I’m Different.’ 

I immediately said, 'That you are!’; and smiled. 

The little girl acted even sadder and said, 'I know.’ 

'Little girl,’ I said, 'you remind me of an angel, sweet and innocent.’ 

She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and Said,'Really?’ 
'Yes, you’re like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all the people walking by..’ 

She nodded her head yes , and smiled. 

With that she opened the back of her pink dress and 
allowed her Wings to spread, then she said 'I am.’ 

'I’m your Guardian Angel,’ with a twinkle in her eye. 

I was speechless – sure I was seeing things. 

She said, 'For once you thought of someone other than yourself. 
My job here is done’.. 

I got to my feet and said, 'Wait, why did no one stop to help an Angel?’ 

She looked at me, smiled, and said, 'You’re the only one that could see me,’ and then she was gone. 

And with that, my life was changed dramatically.

So, when you think you’re all you have, remember, your angel is Always watching over you 

Pass this to everyone that means anything at all to you. 

Make sure you send it back to the person who sent it to you, to let them know you’re glad they care about you. 

Like the story says, we all need someone… 

And, every one of your friends is an Angel in their own way. 

The value of a friend is measured in the heart. 

I hope your Guardian Angel watches over you always.

Pass this message to 7 people. 
You will receive a miracle tomorrow.

Moral: Don’t have this procedure done in San Francisco!

I took my uncle to his first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. You ever been to an AA meeting? I went, but we ended up at an AAA meeting by mistake. The thing is, we didn’t know it. Everybody’s sitting there filling out forms and reading maps. We’re looking at it going, ‘How is this going to help?’ But my uncle’s a trooper. He stood up and said, 'My name is Frank and I’m an alcoholic.’ They all looked and said, 'Well, you shouldn’t be driving.’

Biliam Coronel

Dear All, These quotes illustrate how easy it is to make a mistake in one’s typing"

   Church ladies with typewriters.    They’re Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS & TYPOS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services: 
 
 The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
 ————————–
 The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.’
 ————————–
 Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. 
 ————————–
 Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
 ————————–
 Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
 ————————–
 Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
 ————————–
 For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
 ————————–
 Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. 
 ————————–
 Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
 ————————–
 A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 
 ————————–
 At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
 ————————–
 Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
 ————————–
 Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
 ————————–
 Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
 ————————–
 The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
 ————————–
 Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
 ————————–
 The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
 ————————–
 This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
 ————————–
 Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
 ————————–
 The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
 ————————–
 Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
 ————————–
 The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. 
 ————————–
 Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
 ————————–
 The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is onna da right. Get in, and with you elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma onna da left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“What!  you a comin empty handed?”

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?
—————————————————————————-

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

———————————————————–
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
—————————————————————

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
——————————————————

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
———————————————————-

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
—————————————————————-

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
———————————————————————–

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
—————————————————————-


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
———————————————————-

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
———————————————-

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
———————————————–

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
—————- ———————————


Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is…
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************


Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

A man goes to see the Rabbi. “Rabbi, something terrible is happening and Ihave to talk to you about it.”
The Rabbi asked, “What’s wrong?”
The man replied, “My wife is poisoning me.”
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, “How can that be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi then offers, “Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I’ll see what I can find out and I’ll let you know.”
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, “Well, I spoke to your wife.. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?”
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
“Take the poison.”

My first favourite international player was him Fernando Torres!

Who was the first football player (not of your country) that you admired?