#fucking up
A while ago, I told I told My Boss, someone I’ve started playing with recently, that I don’t like pictures of my face, and that I don’t like my lips. Last week, he informed me that I would learn to love pictures of my face and lips. To aide with that, he gave me an assignment. I was to send him a picture of my lips twice a day for the rest of the week. The pictures would be pretty, flirty, funny, or pouty. He’d given me free range on what kind of pictures to send, but what was clear was that I was to send two each day. It was a simple, but daily, assignment, which is the sort of thing I really enjoy doing as part of a d/s dynamic. Even beyond that, one of the reasons he gave me this task (besides wanting pictures of my lips, of course) is to help me learn to like looking at pictures of myself.
So, the assignment I was given was easy, I have an expressed and known interest in assignments like this, the pictures would be pleasing to him, and completing the task would be good for my self-esteem and overall mental health. It should have been a simple matter of remembering to take pictures and send them. Even a silly little girl like me should have been able to do it. And I did. For the first three days, I dutifully sent him two pictures a day. It was tricky at first because I didn’t like any of the pictures I took, but as I did more, I got over it, and even started liking some of them. (The one I used for this post was one of my favorites, and My Boss liked it a lot, as well. He said I looked little, which made me squeak. He brings out my little side. :3)
Then one day I didn’t send the second picture. I thought about it at one point during the evening, but decided to do it right before bed. Of course, that was a mistake. I ended up falling asleep without completing my assignment for the day. When I realized what had happened the next morning, I sent My Boss a message apologizing, promising to send three pictures that day, and accepting any punishment he decided was appropriate. He said he likes my writing (Yay!), so my punishment would be a tumblr post about how I “can’t follow simple instructions and an explanation why.” This is that post.
I’ve been having difficulty following simple instructions lately. In addition to messing up this assignment from My Boss, I missed a few days sending nudes to The Violinist when he was out of town. Once or twice with the nudes it wasn’t even that I forgot or fell asleep. I just decided not to because I’d clearly forgotten that it’s not for me to decide not to what I’m told to do. Neither of those tasks was difficult, but I managed to fuck up on both of them. I didn’t manage to complete the quick and easy tasks I was given.They were as simple as taking a few pictures, but I couldn’t follow even such basic instructions.
I’m a silly little girl with a silly little girl brain. I get distracted easily, forget my place, and don’t plan things out well. I should prioritize doing the things my betters have told me to do above the things I feel like doing. I’ve been dumb lately, not recognizing that they know what’s best for me better than I do, so when they give me tasks to complete, even if I feel like going to sleep or doing something else, I should do what I’ve been told. It’s for my own good.
Back when MLAM owned me, I ended up with a lot of different rules and assignments. He trained me well to organize my life around them. For a number of reasons (more partners, work, busy schedule, mental well-being), I can’t put that same amount of energy into doing such tasks anymore, but I clearly need to be retrained, since I can’t even manage to keep up with a couple of quick and easy assignments. Having more rules and assignments, along with punishment and discipline when I don’t follow or complete them, would be helpful, so long as they aren’t time consuming (that will build up and get overwhelming with the way my life is right now) or difficult (I’m just little girl, so difficult tasks confuse me and having lots of them makes them hard to complete).
Recurring instructions would be especially helpful. They would serve as a frequent reminder of the fact that the people who give me instructions to follow are much better equipped to decide how I spend my time than I am. They would give me a chance to work on organizing my time better, so that I do what I need to do (what I’ve been told to do) before I do what I want to do. They would provide structure for me, which I need because I’m a silly girl who needs guidance from people who are wiser, smarter, and stronger than I am. Such instructions would offer the opportunity to practice entering and being in the proper obedient and subby headspace that helps me complete tasks and follow rules. The headspace I should be in as often as possible. The subby, fuzzy, warm, and happy headspace that makes my pussy wet.
I’m sorry, Boss. I hope this writing is good enough. I want to be better for you. I will be better for you.
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This past week I fucked up quite a few times with orders and punishments from MLAM. When we talked yesterday (which made me feel better because he drove home his ownership of me in several ways), he said it was because I wasn’t sufficiently motivated because of the distance. Thinking about it more, I don’t know how true that is. The punishments are worse long-distance, and I do follow through on them and do report any mistakes or violations I make. Of course, then I need an alternate explanation for not being good. I think part of it may be that I was so busy and distracted and super exhausted last week that I lost that sense of belonging to him as an object and forgot my place as a fucktoy. Three holes and a heartbeat. That’s no real excuse, of course. It means I need to do a better job of internalizing what I am and what my purpose is so that I don’t forget even when I’m completely drained, physically and mentally. He gave me an assignment a little while ago that will help with that.
During our conversation, when I discussed that I felt bad that I’d fucked up so much (I at first said that I felt like I’d fucked up a lot that week, and he said “Do you feel that way or have you?” and I had to repeat it properly and mmmph. So hot.), one of the explanations/excuses I had was that I just do not do well with cold. I shut down, physically and mentally. I think that’s why I did such a bad job with the two days of sleeping naked with no pillow or blanket. Each time, I woke up in the middle of the night and got into bed, or sat with a blanket, intending to just be a moment. The first time, I swear to the metaphorical excuse for a goddess that I must have dreamt getting up and going back to the floor, because I really thought I did that. I didn’t, though, and I immediately felt very guilty and shameful when I woke up, and texted MLAM right away. The second night, I was at Legal Lolita’s apartment after the happy hour and it was so very cold and I sat up with the blanket for a minute and promptly did the same thing. I’d even tried to just stand there for a minute instead so it wouldn’t happen, but I fucked up. I woke up, again filled with guilt and shame, and I texted him immediately and told him that I’d fucked up again. I was pretty upset and actually didn’t go back to sleep again, even though I was super tired from the happy hour.
During our conversation, MLAM was very, very generous and told me that I could earn a blanket for the next punishment (a punishment for pissing while I was with Legolas) by coming up with three things to offer him. I have a hard time with things like that, and told him so. It’s partially because I don’t feel very creative, and also, with him, it’s because I’d give him anything he asked for. My body and mind belong to him, after all. He told me that the point of this was basically to see what I would offer, getting at where my mind is at with all of this. I did immediately offer him unprotected anal, but acknowledged the risks, and he appreciated the offer, but turned it down, since I’m not on hormonal BC and that’s just not worth it.
After our conversation, I called Legal Lolita, and during our conversation, I asked for her help brainstorming things to offer. We came up with several things, and when I got off the phone, I thought of more because I realized that collaborating with her may have missed the point of the exercise.
I offered him these three things and explained that the second two were the result of brainstorming with Legal Lolita.
1. A piece of writing of at least 1000 words, to be completed within a week. (He love love loves reading things I write, and is extraordinarily flattering about them. Made me giddy and blushing and sososo happy by saying that it makes me valuable and I have no competition in that area.)
2. I will ask C4 and Legolas to cum on my face together (Obviously I’ll tell them the reason I’m asking, besides, of course, that it would be degrading and that’s how I ought to be treated. If they aren’t comfortable being involved with my play with MLAM like that, I’ll find something else to offer him.)
3. He will pick a toy or impact tool from Amazon, and I will purchase it for him alone to use on me or to order me to use. That includes things with leather. (This is one that I was hesitant about and still have some uneasy feelings, now I think of it. Not about the first part, but about the leather. We’ve talked about messing with my veganism, and I think I’m going to have to put a hard limit on eating non-vegan things, but I’m willing to offer this. It’s very edgy, and if he picks something with leather, I’m not 100% sure how I’ll react.)
Then I said that I understood that it may have violated the reason for having me think of three things to have collaborated with Legal Lolita, and offered these two additional things:
4. When I visit A2, I will be naked whenever he and I are in my apartment, and I won’t wear panties the entire time. (This is something I like the idea of a lot, but also is something uncomfortable in a number of ways. He could make life -very- difficult for me with fans and inviting people over and short, short skirts and flippy skirts on windy days and going out to bars. Not to give him any ideas, or anything.)
5. I will shave or trim my pubic hair in any way he wants. (This may seem like an obvious and simple thing for a submissive little bitch to offer their owner, but for me, it’s not so much. I haven’t done anything to my pubic hair [except some minor side shrubbery trimming once or twice] in about a year, and I’m quite attached to it on several levels. MLAM and I have talked about him making me shave it, and my other hair, but he didn’t want me to do that before I moved so that I could present myself the way I wanted when I started meeting new people. I somewhat hesitated when I thought of this. I wasn’t sure if I should offer to shave all my hair or just this. I landed on just this because it’s not such a huuuuuge step in feminization/fucking with my feminism as the legs or armpit hair, which I haven’t shaved in something like three or four years. I think that makes it a better thing to offer, rather than for him to command. Of course, if he wants me to shave the legs and armpits, too, I will.)
I added that I understood if now that I offered all five, he’d want all five in trade for the blanket. I was fairly certain that he’d want them all, and I wanted to give them. I want to be good and properly submissive, to do things he tells me to do, to give him pleasure, to be degraded and used by men.
He texted back earlier. He said “You seem like such an eager cunt I’ll allow you to do all five to show the depth of your depravity and submission.” I’m very appreciative of that. I fucked up quite a bit lately, and I’m happy for a chance to try to make up for that. I know I’m still a disappointing cunt, but I can do my best to improve for the future.
In addition to having to sleep naked on the floor with no pillow (but with a blanket, thanks to his kindness), he told me “to try to drill into your mind how absolutely base you are, when at home, you’ll now be squatting and peeing in the tub. And no matter where you are, you are to be masturbating fast and hard while you pee. We’ll see if behaving like an animal will help you learn at least as easily as one, you dumb cunt.” He later added that “masturbating while peeing is to mix the basic urges of your body to remind you you’re only three holes and a heartbeat.”
He’s so deliciously creative and thoughtful, which makes him an especially fun and dangerous person to have as a dom/owner. I love every moment.
I’m really quite glad to have something to do frequently (every time I piss, in fact) because it will help me remember my place and that I’m here to be used by and to please men. I so want to become the perfect fucktoy for MLAM, and I want to be able to be that, even when I’m exhausted. As I wrote earlier, at the moment, when I’m super tired, or cold, or otherwise impaired, I misbehave and fuck up because I lose sight of the fact that really, I’m three holes and a heartbeat, and anything else is superfluous. Having a frequent task to perform that will remind me of that and will help me internalize it the way I need to in order to become a good little “”“”feminist”“”” bitch.
