#gender differences
2X-STANDARDS : Why Society is F*ed Up
(Pardon my language. This sh*t just actually p*sses me off. Enough to use the vulgar.)
…and… a P!nk song to set the mood…
A lot of people know that I hate the hook-up culture. But they often misunderstand me as hating the people involved in the hook-up culture, whereas, honestly, I just hate the consequences of it. I completely agree with Armstrong, Hamilton, and England that the consequences of a bad hook-up are less life-wrecking than a bad relationship and the idea of an isolated event vs. a longterm investment gone bad. However, I think if a “bad hook-up” is actually sexual assault, then thatis much more damaging, particularly because it can make it incredibly difficult to form any positive longterm-relationship after the fact. I don’t mean that it is impossible for men or women who have been sexually assaulted to form positive relationships, because I know many who have, but it is certainly something that can cause relationship strain because of triggers on the one side and a… difficulty of acceptance on the other side, in worse case scenarios. (There are many encouraging examples of very supportive partners who have empowered their significant other to resolve that part of their lives. In drawing very broad brush strokes, I think we have a culture that, unfortunately, makes it… not the norm, especially when it comes to men accepting women.)
I have many concerns about the hook-up culture, many of which have been discussed ad nauseam: the double-standard for women in terms of participation, the dress code for women as a double-edged sword, the pernicious involvement of alcohol, the ambiguity, the lack of reciprocal pleasure, etc. The list goes on. The problem of inequality between the sexes has been a long one. Yet perhaps a better understanding of love is actually an “easier” though more indirect solution.
One of my biggest frustrations with the hook-up culture is that it separates love and sex and creates bad habits for men and women about being honest and open with one another about their needs and desires. I’m not arguing that we should “challenge gender inequality in both relationships and hookups” - though I think that is important, my recommendation is slightly more nuanced.
When it comes to issues of equality, most people “know” the “right” answer. Of course, we should respect each other. Of course, things should be equal. But when it comes down to brass tacks and actuality, people often disagree in thought and action. What does equality look like? We have generally treated equality as ‘sameness’, that men and women should be paid the same, allowed in the same roles, etc. without really examining what that ends up meaning. In doing so, we have maintained a posture that continues to elevate masculine positions. This is slightly switching with our more service-based economy, but men who are sociable and affable (men who possess more “feminine” qualities) get lauded and are still given greater honor than women who perform the same tasks and skills. Meanwhile, positions like nurses or teachers or mothers are still undervalued despite the important roles they play in shaping society.
I’m curious to see what will happen now that gay marriage has been legalized. I have not felt that the male fear of being labeled “gay” has diminished, nor has the stigma of a straight man being labeled or thought of as “gay” decreased, which is still aggravating, because in the popular definition, all “gay” really means is “effeminate”. This is also true in relationships. There are so many jokes made about relationships and marriages: that a guy becomes “whipped" (which is "effeminate” that he cedes any power over to his girl/woman) or how wives are bossy chatterboxes, and certainly all the wedding toppers featuring men (and occasionally women) being dragged to the wedding are indicative of some thoughts we have about the quality and nature of marriages.
(more funny? cake toppers here)
Likewise, I think the hook-up culture exists because of a flawed understanding of relationships and how to make them work. This would make a lot of sense considering no institution I know has courses on “this is how to build a flawless relationship.” There are probably a million self-help books about it, but it’s just not something we’re expected to learn, it’s something we’re expected to know, and we don’t.
I’m not saying that relationships solve the problem, or that people shouldn’t have the liberty to desire sex outside of relationships in casual hook-ups. People can do whatever they want. But I think the need for casual sex is still rooted in the MALE need for casual sex. Furthermore, most women who engage in the hook-up culture get out of it only the pleasure of feeling desirable, but on whose terms? At whose expense? FOR whose satisfaction? The hook-up culture does not exist because we think men & women need to “get it on” - it exists because we think men can’t resist sex and can’t survive without it, which are just not true. Men and women’s libidos are ALL on a spectrum, and I would bet anything that there are some men whose sex drive is less than that of some women. Is this an innate fact of the hook-up culture or just a product of our hook-up culture being situated in a heteronormative patriarchal society? Not sure. But it certainly is an innate fact of the hook-up culture as it exists for us right now in America and on Dartmouth’s campus.
The hook-up culture reasoning also often focuses on the idea of adolescence exploration, both concepts which I also find rather useless. I’ve discussed the age/maturation idea before, but the exploration part could just as easily happen in a relationship, and can potentially be more satisfying and helpful within a relationship as a couple builds up trust in mutual exploration and satisfaction. This does not happen in many “normal” relationships because there are implicit unstated assumptions about what men and women want in relationships and sex. The lack of communication is, though, I feel, worse in hook-ups, where communication isn’t even expected. Rather, the lack of ambiguity is in many cases, appealing. At least generally it is agreed upon that open discussion is a plus in relationships.
My biggest frustration with the hook-up culture though is the lack of responsibility. I understand the value of momentary pleasure amidst our hectic schedules, but life doesn’t necessarily slow down, and taking responsibility doesn’t just happen, it has to be learned.
Our generation is poorly trained to take responsibility for one another, because we live in a very separated, segregated, individualistic, selfish culture. From kindergarten, we start saying “Mine! Mine! Mine!” And this is a blanket statement, I know not everyone grew up with this mentality, but this is the one that consumerism and the media project upon us, certainly. And whereas relationships, between friends, family, etc. are places for compassion and empathy, where we share burdens and take responsibility for the impact of our actions, but the hook-up culture is not. And taking connection out of pleasure may be a “good” thing because then there are no strings attached, but ultimately it allows this discourse of “well, it’s not sexual assault, it’s a bad hook-up” - certainly in bad relationships, this can go a lot worse, but I truly believe that if we teach people ways to get consent, if we have “consent” work-shops and mutual gazing workshops, and workshops that teach singles and couples how to communicate their needs and desires, that the hook-up culture may fade out of existence. Certainly casual sex, with acquaintances or strangers, will never die, but I would hope to see the return of something akin almost to what courtship was to dating. Where there is hook-up etiquette, so that both partners are satisfied, and that both partners are committed to that and hold each other responsible for it and that that is a norm.
I think targeting inequality by not trying to negate it, but providing something that is just so much better, and that works, in a relationship context (mostly because I think the connotations that come with a relationship are currently more conducive to equality than the associations with hook-ups; also because I think the benefits of the hook-up culture can all be achieved within the context of relationships and I think that good relationships are truly helpful for individuals across the board) is ultimately the most effective way to change the existing culture.
The very first sex study that I ever published appeared in the Journal of Sex Research in 2011, and it explored similarities and differences in how men and women approach friends with benefits (FWBs). In the decade since, I’ve co-authored a total of four journal articles on the subject plus one book chapter and 10 conference presentations. Along the way, I’ve learned a lot! In this post, I’ll share some of the key things I discovered through this work.
On Average, Men and Women Want Different Things in FWBs
In the 2011 study mentioned above, we surveyed 411 adults, all of whom said they currently had at least one FWB [1]. Participants ranged in age from 18 to 65 and most (86%) were heterosexual. Everyone was asked what they hoped would come of their FWB arrangement in the future, which could mean staying FWBs long-term, becoming romantic partners, becoming friends only, or having no relationship of any kind.
It turned out that men and women provided very different answers to this question. While the vast majority of women (69%) wanted their relationship to change in some way, the majority of men (60%) wanted to keep things the same. In other words, women were more likely to see their FWBs as a temporary state, whereas men were more likely to see their FWBs as an end state.
In what way(s) did women want their FWB to change? Women (compared to men) were more likely to hope that they would become a romantic couple (43% vs. 24%, respectively). Women were also more likely than men to hope that they would eventually go back to being just friends (20% vs. 10%, respectively).
The Sexual Behaviors of FWBs and Romantic Partners Differ in Several Ways
In a conference presentation I gave at the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, I discussed results from a survey of approximately 1,100 adults who either had a current friend with benefits (26%) or romantic partner (74%) [2]. Participants were 29 years old on average and most identified as heterosexual (74%).
Everyone was asked to indicate whether they had engaged in a variety of specific sexual practices with their partner, from vanilla to kink.
When comparing across relationship type, one of the differences that emerged was that romantic partners were more likely to kiss one another than FWBs, although this difference was quite small. However, larger differences were observed for kink and multi-partner activities.
FWBs were about twice as likely to have had a threesome, while romantic partners were 50% more likely to have tried bondage. Why is that? It may be because BDSM desires are more likely to be shared and acted upon in relationships characterized by high levels of sexual communication, like romances (and, indeed, in some of my other studies, I’ve found that romantic partners report an easier time communicating about their sexual desires in general than FWBs). That said, desires for multi-partner sex specifically are probably more likely to be acted upon in relationships where there isn’t a lot of pressure to maintain sexual exclusivity, like FWBs (which I have consistently found to be mostly non-monogamous).
Another area where the sexual behaviors of FWBs and romantic partners differ is in practicing safe-sex. In a 2014 paper we published involving a sample of 376 people who currently had either a FWB or a romantic partner, we found that FWBs reported using condoms more frequently than did romantic partners [3].
The Long-Term Outcomes of FWBs are Mixed; Most Seem To Dissolve Within 1 Year
In my most recent study of FWBs, we conducted a one-year longitudinal study of 192 people who reported having a FWB [4]. We surveyed them at two different points in time, spaced apart by about one year. The sample was predominately heterosexual (72%) with an average age of 30.
In the first survey, participants were asked what they hoped would happen with their FWB in the future. They were also asked how satisfied they were with their relationship and how much they communicated about relationship rules and boundaries. In the second survey, we asked whether the nature of their relationship was the same or if it had changed—and, if so, why.
We found that some relationship outcomes were more likely than others. After one year, 26% were still FWBs, 15% had become romantic partners, 28% had gone back to being just friends, and 31% reported having no relationship of any kind with their former FWB. Put another way, the vast majority of FWBs dissolved over the course of the year. However, most participants still maintained at least some type of relationship with the other person, with about 1 in 3 cutting off all contact.
Whether an FWB Works Out Depends On Your Expectations And Communication Level
In that longitudinal study I mentioned, we found that some relationship goals seemed more attainable than others. Specifically, those who wanted to go back to being just friends appeared to be the most successful: 59% of those who desired that outcome at Time 1 attained it at Time 2.
Those who wanted to remain FWBs long-term were somewhat less successful, with 40% of those desiring it at Time 1 reporting that they were still FWBs at Time 2. By contrast, those who wanted to transition into romantic partners were the least successful, with just 15% of those who initially wanted that outcome getting it after one year.
Also, among those participants who reported maintaining at least some kind of relationship with their partner over time—whether it was sexual or non-sexual—they reported more communication about setting ground rules at Time 1. Those who were less communicative were more likely to report having no relationship whatsoever at Time 2.
We found a similar pattern of results for friendship satisfaction: those who were happier with their friendship at the outset were more likely to maintain some sort of relationship over time.
These findings suggest that the real key to making FWBs work seems to have a lot to do with matching expectations, excellent communication, and a solid friendship to start.
Takeaways
There’s a LOT I could say about FWBs based on the number of studies I’ve conducted and I don’t have time to get into all of them in this post, but I hope this gives you a flavor for some of the key things that I learned through all of this work.
I started this line of research initially because I had a lot of students taking my human sexuality classes asking how to make a FWB work. I didn’t have a great answer then because I didn’t have any data to go off of—but now I do!
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
[1] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly J. R. (2011). Sex differences in approaching friends with benefits relationships. The Journal of Sex Research, 48, 275-284.
[2] Lehmiller, J.J. (2017, November). Experiences with kink and group sex among friends with benefits and romantic partners. Paper presented at the Annual Meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, Atlanta, GA.
[3] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., & Kelly, J. R. (2014). Sexual communication, satisfaction, and condom use behavior in friends with benefits and romantic partners. Journal of Sex Research, 51(1), 74-85.
[4] Machia, L. V., Proulx, M. L., Ioerger, M., & Lehmiller, J. J. (2020). A longitudinal study of friends with benefits relationships. Personal Relationships, 27(1), 47-60.
Image Source: 123RF
You Might Also Like:
When a couple starts kissing intensely in public, it tends to capture your attention—you can’t pull your eyes away. And when you see this, it’s possible to experience a wide range of reactions, from curiosity to arousal to annoyance (hence why you might hear someone say, “Get a room!”).
So what motivates hot and heavy public displays of affection like this anyway? Is it more about showing a partner affection, or showing off? A study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that it’s probably more about the latter than the former.
Researchers surveyed 349 college students about their past experiences with “performative making out.” What we’re talking about here is intense kissing that takes place in a public setting where others are clearly going to witness it.
Participants were asked if they had done it before, what it was like, what prompted them to do it, and what kind of reaction they got.
Approximately one-third of the sample had done some performative kissing before. Men and women reported similar levels of experience with this; however, women were four times more likely than men to say they had engaged in performative making out with a same-sex partner (8 percent vs. 2 percent, respectively). While all of the men who reported a public same-sex kiss were gay, almost all of the women who did so were heterosexual. More on that momentarily.
In terms of motivations for public kissing, the most common motivator for men who made out with women was to show off—they wanted to boost their image or social standing. Less commonly, some men reported doing so to demonstrate their relationship status (or show others that their partner is taken), to start a new relationship, or just for fun.
For women who made out with men, the primary motivator was to stir up jealousy, often on the part of an ex. Sometimes this was tied to revenge motives, while other times it was tied to a desire to get a former partner back (i.e., by showing their ex what they’re missing out on). Although some women said they did this in order to demonstrate their relationship status or boost their image, this was less common.
However, when women publicly kissed a same-sex partner, their reasons were different and most commonly included for fun and games, to change their image (such as being seen as more adventurous), or to turn-on a male witness, such as a boyfriend.
So what kind of reactions did people receive?
Men indicated more positive than negative responses, meaning they tended to get what they were after. Few said they regretted the experience, and those who did said it felt awkward, they were made fun of, or they inadvertently hurt someone else’s feelings.
By contrast, women reported more negative than positive reactions—they were less likely than men to get what they wanted out of it. The single most common negative outcome among women was a repetitional hit, with others thinking of her as a “slut.” So a double standard was evident, where men were more likely to be lauded and women to be shamed for engaging in the same behavior.
Of course, these findings are limited in that only college students were surveyed. It would be interesting to study experiences with performative kissing in more diverse samples and across cultures, especially given that PDAs are more taboo in some places than others.
That said, what these findings suggest is that, at least among young adults, performative kissing isn’t usually done in service to one’s partner—more often than not, it’s designed to send a message to others and to manage impressions. However, it doesn’t always land the way it is intended.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
To learn more about this research, see: Esterline, K. M., & Muehlenhard, C. L. (2017). Wanting to be seen: Young people’s experiences of performative making out. The Journal of Sex Research,54(8), 1051-1063.
Image Source: 123RF/rez_art
You Might Also Like:
When people describe the traits they want in a partner, honesty usually comes in near the top of the list. However, despite the fact that we say we want partners who will always tell us the truth, many of us hide things in our relationships—especially things pertaining to our previous sex lives.
So how many people are keeping sex secrets? What are they hiding? And why do they keep this information from their partners?
A new study published in the journal Sexuality & Culture sought to find out. Researchers surveyed 195 college students about their sexual secrets. Participants completed a 39-item online survey about the number and type of sexual secrets they were holding, their reasons for hiding this information, and their previous experiences disclosing those secrets.
It turned out that more than one-third of participants (36%) said they held at least one sex secret in their current or most recent romantic relationship. However, more than half (55%) said they had revealed a sex secret to a partner at some point in the past.
Participants reported having secrets about a wide range of things; however, the types of secrets people held differed based on their gender. For women, the most common things they hid from their partners were: 1) history of sexual victimization, 2) having emotionally cheated on a significant other, 3) interest in BDSM, 4) pornography use, and 5) enjoyment of sex toys.
For men, the most common things they hid included: 1) pornography use, 2) having previously had a threesome, and 3) having emotionally cheated on a significant other.
Men’s and women’s reasons for keeping sex secrets also differed. Specifically, women were more likely to report keeping secrets because they felt their partners would not understand; by contrast, men were more likely to keep secrets because they felt their partner would disapprove of their behavior. Given that men and women tended to hold different kinds of secrets, it makes sense that their motivations for hiding that information would differ.
Other reasons for keeping sex secrets included fearing that their partner would divulge the secret to others, being ashamed, and worrying that it would end the relationship.
When secrets were disclosed, this happened most commonly via a face-to-face discussion, followed by disclosure over phone/text message. However, some participants reported that their secrets were disclosed by others (including friends, family members, and exes), that they surfaced on social media, or were accidentally discovered while going through their partner’s things.
For the most part, people reported positive experiences when disclosing sex secrets, with many saying that their partner appreciated the disclosure and that they personally felt relieved. Although less common, some did report experiencing partner disapproval, feeling regret, and/or experiencing a breakup as a result.
Of course, these findings are limited in the sense that only US college students were studied. It is possible (and likely) that the kinds of sex secrets people hold (and their reasons for holding them) may change with age and vary across cultural contexts.
That said, these findings suggest that it is not uncommon for people to keep sexual secrets in their relationships and that there are myriad reasons for holding certain information back. However, the fact that people reported more positive than negative experiences sharing their secrets suggests that there is often benefit and value in being honest about one’s sexual past.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
To learn more about this research, see: Fox, K., Ashley, A. M., Ritter, L. J., Martin, T., & Knox, D. (2021). Gender Differences in Sex Secret Disclosure to a Romantic Partner. Sexuality & Culture.
Image Credit: 123RF
You Might Also Like:
