#pet peeves
2X-STANDARDS : Why Society is F*ed Up
(Pardon my language. This sh*t just actually p*sses me off. Enough to use the vulgar.)
…and… a P!nk song to set the mood…
A lot of people know that I hate the hook-up culture. But they often misunderstand me as hating the people involved in the hook-up culture, whereas, honestly, I just hate the consequences of it. I completely agree with Armstrong, Hamilton, and England that the consequences of a bad hook-up are less life-wrecking than a bad relationship and the idea of an isolated event vs. a longterm investment gone bad. However, I think if a “bad hook-up” is actually sexual assault, then thatis much more damaging, particularly because it can make it incredibly difficult to form any positive longterm-relationship after the fact. I don’t mean that it is impossible for men or women who have been sexually assaulted to form positive relationships, because I know many who have, but it is certainly something that can cause relationship strain because of triggers on the one side and a… difficulty of acceptance on the other side, in worse case scenarios. (There are many encouraging examples of very supportive partners who have empowered their significant other to resolve that part of their lives. In drawing very broad brush strokes, I think we have a culture that, unfortunately, makes it… not the norm, especially when it comes to men accepting women.)
I have many concerns about the hook-up culture, many of which have been discussed ad nauseam: the double-standard for women in terms of participation, the dress code for women as a double-edged sword, the pernicious involvement of alcohol, the ambiguity, the lack of reciprocal pleasure, etc. The list goes on. The problem of inequality between the sexes has been a long one. Yet perhaps a better understanding of love is actually an “easier” though more indirect solution.
One of my biggest frustrations with the hook-up culture is that it separates love and sex and creates bad habits for men and women about being honest and open with one another about their needs and desires. I’m not arguing that we should “challenge gender inequality in both relationships and hookups” - though I think that is important, my recommendation is slightly more nuanced.
When it comes to issues of equality, most people “know” the “right” answer. Of course, we should respect each other. Of course, things should be equal. But when it comes down to brass tacks and actuality, people often disagree in thought and action. What does equality look like? We have generally treated equality as ‘sameness’, that men and women should be paid the same, allowed in the same roles, etc. without really examining what that ends up meaning. In doing so, we have maintained a posture that continues to elevate masculine positions. This is slightly switching with our more service-based economy, but men who are sociable and affable (men who possess more “feminine” qualities) get lauded and are still given greater honor than women who perform the same tasks and skills. Meanwhile, positions like nurses or teachers or mothers are still undervalued despite the important roles they play in shaping society.
I’m curious to see what will happen now that gay marriage has been legalized. I have not felt that the male fear of being labeled “gay” has diminished, nor has the stigma of a straight man being labeled or thought of as “gay” decreased, which is still aggravating, because in the popular definition, all “gay” really means is “effeminate”. This is also true in relationships. There are so many jokes made about relationships and marriages: that a guy becomes “whipped" (which is "effeminate” that he cedes any power over to his girl/woman) or how wives are bossy chatterboxes, and certainly all the wedding toppers featuring men (and occasionally women) being dragged to the wedding are indicative of some thoughts we have about the quality and nature of marriages.
(more funny? cake toppers here)
Likewise, I think the hook-up culture exists because of a flawed understanding of relationships and how to make them work. This would make a lot of sense considering no institution I know has courses on “this is how to build a flawless relationship.” There are probably a million self-help books about it, but it’s just not something we’re expected to learn, it’s something we’re expected to know, and we don’t.
I’m not saying that relationships solve the problem, or that people shouldn’t have the liberty to desire sex outside of relationships in casual hook-ups. People can do whatever they want. But I think the need for casual sex is still rooted in the MALE need for casual sex. Furthermore, most women who engage in the hook-up culture get out of it only the pleasure of feeling desirable, but on whose terms? At whose expense? FOR whose satisfaction? The hook-up culture does not exist because we think men & women need to “get it on” - it exists because we think men can’t resist sex and can’t survive without it, which are just not true. Men and women’s libidos are ALL on a spectrum, and I would bet anything that there are some men whose sex drive is less than that of some women. Is this an innate fact of the hook-up culture or just a product of our hook-up culture being situated in a heteronormative patriarchal society? Not sure. But it certainly is an innate fact of the hook-up culture as it exists for us right now in America and on Dartmouth’s campus.
The hook-up culture reasoning also often focuses on the idea of adolescence exploration, both concepts which I also find rather useless. I’ve discussed the age/maturation idea before, but the exploration part could just as easily happen in a relationship, and can potentially be more satisfying and helpful within a relationship as a couple builds up trust in mutual exploration and satisfaction. This does not happen in many “normal” relationships because there are implicit unstated assumptions about what men and women want in relationships and sex. The lack of communication is, though, I feel, worse in hook-ups, where communication isn’t even expected. Rather, the lack of ambiguity is in many cases, appealing. At least generally it is agreed upon that open discussion is a plus in relationships.
My biggest frustration with the hook-up culture though is the lack of responsibility. I understand the value of momentary pleasure amidst our hectic schedules, but life doesn’t necessarily slow down, and taking responsibility doesn’t just happen, it has to be learned.
Our generation is poorly trained to take responsibility for one another, because we live in a very separated, segregated, individualistic, selfish culture. From kindergarten, we start saying “Mine! Mine! Mine!” And this is a blanket statement, I know not everyone grew up with this mentality, but this is the one that consumerism and the media project upon us, certainly. And whereas relationships, between friends, family, etc. are places for compassion and empathy, where we share burdens and take responsibility for the impact of our actions, but the hook-up culture is not. And taking connection out of pleasure may be a “good” thing because then there are no strings attached, but ultimately it allows this discourse of “well, it’s not sexual assault, it’s a bad hook-up” - certainly in bad relationships, this can go a lot worse, but I truly believe that if we teach people ways to get consent, if we have “consent” work-shops and mutual gazing workshops, and workshops that teach singles and couples how to communicate their needs and desires, that the hook-up culture may fade out of existence. Certainly casual sex, with acquaintances or strangers, will never die, but I would hope to see the return of something akin almost to what courtship was to dating. Where there is hook-up etiquette, so that both partners are satisfied, and that both partners are committed to that and hold each other responsible for it and that that is a norm.
I think targeting inequality by not trying to negate it, but providing something that is just so much better, and that works, in a relationship context (mostly because I think the connotations that come with a relationship are currently more conducive to equality than the associations with hook-ups; also because I think the benefits of the hook-up culture can all be achieved within the context of relationships and I think that good relationships are truly helpful for individuals across the board) is ultimately the most effective way to change the existing culture.
my new pet peeve about modern society is supermarkets that make you use an app to access their special offers when god has yet to invent a supermarket with phone signal once you cross the threshold
I’m looking around at the world’s oldest dog/horse/cat/etc. and keep seeing the same thing.
“This [insert animal] lived for this many years - equaling 200 human years!!!”
1) I think that should be dog/horse/cat years, not “human years”. 12 months is a human year. A 10 year old dog is 10 human years, but ~70 dogyears.
Moving on.
2) Please just move on from the idea of thinking that the lifespan of animals can be neatly calculated from human lifespans. Our life cycles are completely different. The “1 human year is 7 dog years” is only a very rough guide, it’s not a translation.
If it were real, then yes, the world’s oldest dog would have lived just over “200 dog years” (29.5 years). Obviously that doesn’t make sense. (Also, since dogs at the age of 1 are sexually mature teenagers, not puppies, it would make more sense to say year 1 is like 14 dog years, while after that, it’s 7 per year…)
Parrots for example. Large parrots can live for over 80 years, possibly 100, like humans. But they are sexually mature at the age of two, and mentally mature adults, at the age of 8-10 (speculative, I don’t have sources on this - it’s a lot earlier than the human adulthood at 20-25 anyway).
While we are sexually mature at roughly 14 years.
So you see, we obviously cannot compare the two life cycles.
In contrast, our closest ape relatives are sexually mature just a little earlier than humans, or the same time (orangutans seem the closest), yet with modern care and medicine, they top out at around 62 years - only half the maximum lifespan of humans.
So those were two pet peeves of mine.
It’s not “human years”, and you can’t directly compare human and non-human lifespans and life cycles.
Send me your reading and writing pet peaces and I will publish them with minimal commentary.
Because sometimes it’s good to vent. I’d also like to see what readers like and dislike according to themselves.
I absolutely loathe the phrase “[noun/place/tragedy] strong”.
This seems to be a US thing?
Maybe we wouldn’t have to be “strong” if we had some fucking common sense legislation.
@ poets who start every damn line of their poems with “and”:
and can you not
Help! People Are Using Nicknames For Each Other!
Dear Abby, 8 October 2021:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years. This is a second marriage for both of us. We don’t have children together, but my husband has grown daughters in their 50s from a previous marriage. Generally, we have good relationships with each other.
My problem is, my husband still calls – and refers to – his daughters by their childhood nicknames, “Peanut” and “Poopsie.” They reciprocate by calling him by silly names instead of “Dad” or “Father.” Seeing these adult women reverting to childhood drives me up a wall. They talk and act like little girls and use baby talk with each other, too.
I have shared with my husband more than once that this “innocent” nickname game keeps his daughters stuck in old childhood patterns, while keeping other family members out of the conversation. How would you suggest I handle this? – FEELING LIKE AN OUTSIDER
Dear Feeling Like An Outsider,
One thing people do a lot when they get older is give up harmless and emotionally significant life-long habits because somebody else finds them mildly irritating, so that bodes very well for your situation here!
It’s always healthy to spend your time and energy being angry at people who are doing something that doesn’t have anything the fuck to do with you, affects you not at all, and is absolutely not about you in any possible way.
You should handle this as you already have done, by chastising grown-ass people for the way they talk to each other. That is definitely a mature thing to do, demonstrates that you are the only true adult in the room, and does not at all mimic any old childhood patterns whatsoever.
Continue to “share” your thoughts about how your husband and his daughters communicate, whenever you want and ideally with increasing frequency. They’ll likely be incredibly receptive to your suggestions and appreciate your valuable input. The most likely outcome is that they will thank you profusely for your kind corrections and wish to include you more fully in their lives. You will no longer be an outsider in this particular family, that’s for certain.
Hey fic writers:
Breath: noun, the thing that goes in and out of your lungs.
Breathe: verb, the thing you do to make the breath go in and out of your lungs.
Ver “Sh*t You Shouldn’t Say On Cinco De Mayo” en YouTube
One whole minute of cringe. As a Mexican and individual, it does offend me when Americans appropriate all those stereotypes as an excuse to get wasted.
One of my biggest fanfiction pet peeves is when people don’t tag potentially triggering topics (like major character death or graphic violence) appropriately. Like, the warnings are there for that purpose, is it really so hard to use them so as not to cause someone unnecessary anxiety??
Some creatures i made in highschool.
They’re called Peeves, and liked to cause mischief and minor inconveniences to humans. Cute to admire from afar but they make terrible pets.
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Major pet peeve, casual racism in the form of “no no, my boyfriend/girlfriend/buddy says it’s okay that I say it!” format.
Seriously, spotted this on instagram and it made my fucking stomach turn.
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Probably not an INTP thing
but who else hates it when people ask you to help them with something, but you end up doing all of it basically yourself so you wished that they just told you to do it for them in the first place?
