Summary: I’m just trying to do my job - keep my team safe, keep my bosses out of court…and myself out of the looney bin. One of those is too tall an order.
Characters: a very, very tired HR person (female), and assorted Avengers. Mentions of other fandoms (gold star to those that find them!)
Warning: Avenger shenanigans, and possible bad language words.
Word Count: 2,700-ish
A/N: This piece of ridiculousness is 100% inspired by and written for @thesassywallflower. As someone who’s worked in HR for over 20 years, and has dealt with more than my share of ridiculousness, I can personally attest to the fact that the struggle is REAL.
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It’s only 7:45am, and I can already feel my blood pressure rising.
I cricked my neck to keep my phone against my ear as I juggled my laptop bag, security access card, and glasses. Finally swiping the card against the access plate, I jammed my elbow against my floor button and sagged against the wall as my coworker screeched out the latest calamity.
“…and now they want us to pay for a new set of tires. An entire set - four freaking tires - AGAIN!”
“No. Absolutely not. I don’t care what monster did it this time. You go back and tell them that the benefits handbook clearly states that damages to personal items in the course of performing your job duties are only eligible to be reimbursed up to an annual maximum of $1,000.00. Total. Not each incident. TOTAL. They used all of that up with that thing, that monster in Oregon? With the pennies?”
Julia’s sigh groaned through my ear. “A Nachzehrer.”
I closed my eyes, dragging in a deep breath. “Whatever. You know what? I don’t even care. If they would have taken the stupid company car, just like everyone else, they wouldn’t have to stress so much about their precious Impala. Tell ‘em ‘no’.”
“Will do. You on your way upstairs to your 8:00am?”
“Yeah.”
I could feel Julia’s shudder from here. “I’ll be all ears when you get back. The meetings with that crew are always…entertaining.”
The elevator doors opened as I snorted my agreement. I paused to collect myself in the entryway, silencing my phone before tossing it in the bag and pushing my glasses up my nose.
Okay. You’ve got this. Don’t let them rattle you. Stay calm, stick to your talking points. Think positively - maybe they’ll be actually sorry this time.
So buoyed, I strode into the hall and towards the waiting conference room.
Avengers division employee Agent Natasha Romanov stood waiting for me, her face as fathomless as usual. The smile I offered her faltered as she extended a Starbucks drink in my direction. The smell of chai spices wafted upward. If this troublemaker came bearing gifts, that only meant one thing. This meeting was going to suck.
I grasped the venti-sized life saver, took an eye-watering gulp, and silently cursed the complete and utter imbecilic moron who proposed gathering all superhero, crime fighting, general population saving teams under one umbrella, which led to the creation of my department.
Human Resources to the Heroes.
It sounded so rewarding on LinkedIn. I couldn’t believe it when I made it through the first round of interviews. Meeting with the liaisons for the major players was nerve-wracking to say the least. Nick Fury is everything he’s rumored to be. Bruce Wayne is actually a little bit boring. And Mr. Singer is my favorite. Not that I would ever tell him. And truly, the job is rewarding…
But sweet baby Moses in a basket, some of these people have lost their damn minds.
I didn’t blink at the assembly before me as I entered the conference room, smiling professionally as I sat down. Sam Wilson practically radiated frustration where he sat with his forehead in his hand. I love Sam. He knows the way to an HR person’s heart - consistency and documentation. God bless the Army.
And then there were these three: Clint Barton. James B. Barnes. And Steven f-ing Grant Rogers.
Steri-strips ribbed across the bottom right of Barton’s forehead, I fervently hoped holding what’s left of his brains in. Barnes sat with his arms crossed over his chest, looking somewhere between nonchalant and put-upon. Rogers looked like he’d been caught stealing from the cookie jar.
“Good morning, gentlemen.” I dug out my legal pad, two pens, and a file folder.
“Good morning,” Sam and Steve replied. From Barnes, I got a chin lift. Everyone’s gaze turned to Barton. The famed archer sat reclined in his chair, head resting against the high back.
“Mr. Barton.” Nothing. My blood pressure ticked up a notch. “Mr. Barton,” with a little more volume, and a perfectly natural, not at all fake and threatening smile. Nothing.
Barnes banged on the table in front of the man, his metal fist clanging against the surface. Barton and I both jumped, my pen flipping out of my hand and flying across the table.
“Turn your fucking hearing aids on,” Barnes barked, pointing at his own ear when Clint turned confused eyes towards him. Sam sighed , eyes closing, as Steve slid my pen back to me.
“Sorry about that.”
I nodded my thanks, then folded my hands over my notepad once I had all their attention.
“So. Mr. Barton.” The file folder whispered as I flipped it open. “According to this incident report, it looks like you violated the same policies. Again.”
He scratched his head thoughtfully. “Which ones this time?”
My left eye wanted to twitch so bad. “Accessing secured areas without authorization, Employee right to privacy, and Sleeping while on duty.”
“Firefighters sleep on duty and no one gives them shit,” he groused. Twitch.
“Mr. Barton, we’ve discussed this. Firefighters are on duty overnight. This was at 1:13pm on Tuesday.”
“We do the life saving thing, too, you know!”
“It was your first day back from vacation!” I exclaimed, then sucked in a breath, trying to settle down. “All you were required to do that day was visit the armory and assess your equipment. And I’m not going to engage in a back and forth with you on that. Now - you’ve been counseled on the following occasions about your lack of compliance in these areas.” He glared at the list of dates I slid across the table to him. “With these additional incidents, we are officially placing you on a Performance Improvement Plan-”
“Hey! What about him?” he thumbed in the Sergeant’s direction. “He’s the one who shot me!”
This time, a muscle in my jaw tic’d.
“And I will address that with him in a moment. Right now, I’m going to ask you to review this document. Please sign and date it where indicated, and you can add any comments in the space below.” I chose to ignore the mutterings that followed as I fixed my gaze on Barnes.
“Sergeant.”
“Warden.”Twitch. Tic.
“You have also been counseled on the discharge of firearms on premises not in the course of your job duties.”
He rolled his eyes so hard, I’m sure he saw the inside of his skull.
“I thought it was an intruder!”
Reserve your chaos. Reserve your chaos, I chanted, pulling in another very deep breath. Calmly, I opened the folder again and withdrew a stapled packet.
“Sergeant Barnes. According to this file, your hearing is approximately 27% more acute than an average male of the same age, and your sense of smell is approximately 14% more sensitive-”
“Yeah, like a dog,” Sam murmured under his breath, earning a reproachful look from Steve.
“Is that from my medical file? What about the hippie law?”
I blinked at the righteous indignation on his face before the dots connected. “That’s HIPAA, not hippie. And as HR, I’m entitled to have access to the personal health information that demonstrates your ability to do your job.”
“Whatever. What’s your point?”
“My point, Sergeant, is that your physical abilities demonstrate that you did, in fact, know it was Mr. Barton. No intrusion alarms had been activated - I checked!” I cut off his budding interjection. “There’s no other way to interpret the evidence but that you knowingly chose to violate this policy and shoot him.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is. They were rubber bullets.” Barnes flopped back in his seat like a scolded kid, arms crossing sullenly over his chest. While from my seat, shock at the ridiculousness of his response nearly had my eyeballs falling from my skull.
“Seriously. You don’t see the big deal that you shot your coworker, injuring him, causing the ceiling tiles to break and him to fall through said ceiling, causing more injury?” I barely tracked Steve’s wince as my volume increased with each word, too focused on maintaining my slippery grip on sanity.
“Hey! At least they weren’t real bullets. He’s the one who told me to switch to the rubber ones.” With zero hesitation, he threw Steve under the bus. Friends till the end of the line, my ass.
Whatever Steve saw on my face…I literally watched him try to choose between defensiveness, betrayal, groveling, and ‘kill me now’, all at the same time.
“That might not be entirely accurate,” he stumbled out. Bucky turned on him like a top.
“‘Not entirely accurate’? You bought me the damn box! You even said, and I quote, ‘you don’t want to technically,” he air quoted, “violate the policy again ‘cuz that HR broad will be pissed and get all up my ass’!”
I heard a sound that I was fairly convinced was one of my blood vessels bursting. Or a molar cracking. But no, it was just Barton cackling as he scribbled his signature on his stupid PIP. Sam was trying to clandestinely scoot himself as far away from the potential strike zone as possible. Bucky looked like Steve was single handedly responsible for everything up to and including global warming. And the look on Steve’s face? Apparently he’d finally picked an emotion, settling on ‘whattya gonna do about it’ defensiveness.
My pen clicking sounded like the pin being pulled from a grenade. Fire in the hole, bastard.
“Tell me something, Captain. When the battlefield on which you’re engaging the enemy is rugged terrain, who has your six?” Any other normal person wouldn’t have caught the flick of his gaze towards the Sergeant. Good thing I’m not normal. What HR pro is? “Because you need a trained sniper watching your back. Correct?”
“Affirmative.”
“And when the unfriendlies are aerial, who’s your six then?”
“That would be me,” Sam carefully interjected. I didn’t so much as blink my straining eyelids as I stared down the Captain.
“Because having someone with countless hours of training and operational experience is critical. Isn’t that right? Captain?”
Barnes’ spidey-sense must have finally realized how perilously close to death they all were as he unfolded his arms and straightened in his seat. Rogers, apparently, was dumber than I gave him credit for.
“I think the answer’s pretty obvious. Even for a civilian.”
The sag of Barnes’ shoulders at the unmitigated, galling sass of his bestie had the weariness of decades behind it. The weariness of a bestie who routinely chose death as his destiny. But that’s fine.
Captain Rogers knew not with whom he fucked.
“And when you’re not on the battlefield, who has your six?”
Captain Sass-pants blinked at me.
“Ma’am?”
Slowly putting my pen down, I got to my feet with blessedly unusual grace. “Suppose that a recruit in the new agent training class alleged that you stole funds from the organization?”
If Barton snorted any harder, his sinuses were going to hit the table. Rogers looked horrified. Saint Sam smirked.
“I would NEVER-” came the barking indignation.
“I’m sure you wouldn’t. But let’s say she did. Who has your six? Or, let’s say Wilson here says he hasn’t been compensated at the appropriate overtime calculation for the last year? OR,” I cut off the Captain before he could think about interjecting, “what if the Rumlow family sued you, stating that former S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent Rumlow had been harassed during his tenure, leading to emotional distress that caused his change in philosophy. Who’s got your six, then?”
“What, harassed him into those ugly-ass scars?” Barton chortled out.
“Shut up, bird brain!” Barnes hissed at him, scooting both of their chairs away from Steve. I would have laughed, but I was too busy realizing that the whole ‘vision going up in a red haze’ thing was real.
“I have a Bachelor of Science in Psychology, a Master’s degree in Organizational Behavior. I have certifications in benefits administration, training and development, and change management. I’m required to do hundreds of hours of continuing education every year. And I have over fifteen years of experience in Human Resources. Technically speaking, I have more education and operational experience than Torres. A team member you trust your life with.”
Now, Steve was squirming. That’s right, squirm, you star-spangled ass! But I wasn’t done yet.
“Oh, and then there’s the matter of all the agencies. The Department of Labor, OSHA, the Wage & Hour Division, the Employee Benefits Security Administration, the Office of Workers Compensation Programs, the Equal Opportunity Employment Commission. And those are just the big ones. Then there’s all the insurance laws, compensation requirements. And, since some of our divisions are tied to the government, we have whole different record keeping requirements. Did you know that, Captain? That the records I keep for you and your team are different from the ones I keep for the supernatural division?”
He didn’t even bother speaking, just mutely shook his head. I plowed on, my blood pressure pounding in my temples as I slipped the leash on my chaos.
“No. You didn’t. Because all you need to worry about is a battle strategy, right? Mr. Star Spangled Man with a Plan?” My volume increased with every word, as did the size of Rogers’ eyes. “All I’m asking, Captain, is that you try, for the love of all that’s holy, TRY to follow the damn policies just once in a while. And trust that this ‘HR broad’ might actually know what she’s doing. And realize I’ve got your fucking six everywhere BUT the battle field. OKAY?”
My rage-sweating hands slapped against the conference room table as I leaned forward, shouting at the man. Months, months of diplomacy in the face of his and his team’s mulish obstinance went up in a flaming glory.
They could hear Steve’s gulp of terror out in the hall. He nodded jerkily in the silence that followed.
“Do we all understand each other?” The chorus of instantaneous ‘yes, ma’am’s’ did their mamas proud. I yanked myself to stand straight, knees trembly. Wow, post-battle adrenaline really is a thing.
“Excellent.” Bucky flinched - actually flinched - as I snapped my folder so hard, the paper bent. I snatched the PIP out of Clint’s hands so forcefully, the paper ripped, and I didn’t even care. That’s why God made tape. I stuffed the innocent document and the folder into my bag with a crunch that would have Julia hating me later when she had to scan it for filing.
“Is…is that all, ma’am?” Captain America just about cowered.
“Yes. No,” I swiveled back towards them, causing the three troublemakers to reel back. Clint actually fell out of his chair when he rolled back with a touch too much fear. “Captain. Pick three federal laws from Section 2 of the employee handbook. One for you, one for the Sergeant, one for Agent Barnes. Each of you will write me an essay on why that federal law is so important to your division. I want it in my email inbox by 8:00am tomorrow. Any questions?”
“Why doesn’t the other birdbrain have to do one?” Bucky asked with tentative sullenness. My left eye twitched in time with the vein bulging in my forehead.
“Because, Sergeant,” I tossed at him as I tugged my bag over my shoulder and snatched up my precious comfort chai, “he knows how to follow policy.”
I didn’t see Agent Romanov’s impressed gaze or the dinner-plate-sized eyes of the other employees hovering in the hall. I didn’t hear the elevator bell that heralded my floor. All I knew was the onslaught of chemicals in my body as I flopped into my chair - fight-fueled cortisol, and victory-induced dopamine.
There just isn’t enough chai in the world to make up for my need for a vacation.
A tentative tap-tap-tap at my door heralded Julia. “Um - you okay?”
My throat burned as I chugged back some latte, then sighed huge and straightened up to look at my comrade-at-arms. “No.”
“I…I really hate to tell you this, especially now. But the bard from the convergence division called again. He wants to file another harassment complaint on that mage.”
All my stalwart battle-readiness left me, and my spine Slinky-d forward until my brow thunked down on the desk blotter before me.
“What’s our motto, Julia?” I mumbled out with a groan. My colleague and fellow-sufferer sighed.
“Heroes make us tired.” Rubbing my temples, I avoided thinking of the likelihood that Captain Rogers’ potential tattling on me would result in my unemployment.
I’m laaaaaate, but this is my cosplay results of 2016! That was a year, full of DC, Marvel, Winx Club aaaaaand Sex Criminals! <3 Huntress from DC Bombshell (and i’m also sewed Batwoman, Ravager and Big Barda dresses) Gwenpool from Marvel Flora from Winx Club Huntress from DC Steampunk’s arts by Mahmud Asrar Phoenix Hope Summers from Marvel’s What If? AvX Hope Summers and Kate Bishop from Marvel And finally Suzie from Sex Criminals! That was a the day, when i met @zdarsky on Russia Comic Con! <3 <3 <3
Thank you for follow, guys! Let’s make 2017 a really good one year <3
Well… sometimes we all are the huge fans of every parts of our hawkeye’s fandom. And this summer nobody can stop us from trying to make real some amazing arts <3
Well, they are selling towels that look like bouquets so bouquets of other practical stuff must also be 100% normal and also practical which is a bonus ;)
→ Hulk(The Incredible Hulk,The Avengers,IronMan3,Avengers: Age of Ultron,CaptainAmerica:CivilWar,Spider-Man:Homecoming,Thor:Ragnarok,Avengers: Infinity War,CaptainMarvel,Avengers: Endgame,WandaVision,Loki,Hawkeye and soon to appear in She-Hulk)
Hulk: Hulk always… always angry.
Thor: I know. We’re the same, you and I. Just a couple of hot-headed fools.
Hulk: Yeah, same. Hulk like fire, Thor like water.
Thor: Well, we’re kind of both like fire.
Hulk: But Hulk like real fire. Like… raging fire. Thor like smouldering fire.
Drew a few of my characters dressed up as some of my favorites! Thank you so much Stan Lee, for the beautiful, fun, and entertaining universe you created!
Hawkeye is really making its way to being the best mcu disney plus show for me. Grounded, low stakes, not overstuffed, properly exploring the 2 leads and making me care about Clint. The writers clearly watched his previous mcu appearances and are expanding on everything previously presented as his character. Unlike some other showrunners and writers. Also they’re exploring his feelings and guilt and really giving Barton depth and he’s never gonna be comics Barton but I’m actually caring about mcu Barton now.
Anyways here’s another prayer that cap 4 gets new writers soon.
I started reading the original Avengers series around the holidays and have really liked it, especially after the team changes in issue 16. In this current age of a dozen Avengers series with frequent lineup changes, you could miss what an audacious move this was in 1965. Only fifteen months after Earth’s Mightiest Heroes assembled, they had all quit and were replaced by nobodies.
The new team was led by Captain America, who had joined the team in #4, but whose roots were in the 1940s and were probably unknown by most Marvel readers twenty years later. Instead of the heroic Iron Man, Thor, Giant-Man, or Wasp, Cap led three former villains; Hawkeye being a recurring Iron Man enemy, and Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch having run with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants. Relative to the world’s most brilliant engineer, a Norse god, and a giant-sized scientist and his tiny sidekick, the new team was low-powered. Cap and Hawkeye were just guys who could fight really well, Quicksilver just ran very fast, and Scarlet Witch had an ill-defined “hex power” which mostly made stuff fall over. And Rick Jones, who had gone from Hulk’s friend to Cap’s kind-of sidekick, is just a teen with a radio.
Unlike the original Avengers, who got along (except for the Hulk, who quit the team in #2 and then fought them a few times), the new team is immediately at each other’s throats. Hawkeye in particular hassles Cap every chance he gets, and Quicksilver isn’t much nicer. Cap wavers in his own commitment to the new Avengers, as he feels uncomfortable in the modern age and his lack of a life outside of the team.
It’s a gutsy move for the series, and it pays off. The complicated team dynamic moves the series into richer dramatic territory than before, and makes a cool mix of goofy 60s adventures and more complex material. I expect I will post a lot more about it as I keep reading.
(Avengers#17, June 1965. w: Stan Lee; a: Jack Kirby / Dick Ayers)
I really enjoyed the new series Avengers World, featuring so many Avengers. As you can see, Avengers are very emphatic about phone calls with Captain America.
(Avengers World #1, January 2014. w: Jonathan Hickman / Nick Spencer; a: Stefano Caselli; c: Frank Martin)
(Hawkeye #3, October 2012. w: Matt Fraction; a: David Aja; c: Matt Hollingsworth)
Artemis anonymously designing new weapons and suits for the Avengers and sending them in, Tony Stark being extremely pissed on how fascinated the others are
When Artemis decides to visit the S.H.I.E.L.D Headquarters and the Avengers Tower, Holly instantly becoming friends with Clint
Artemis wanting to know everything about Cerebro and shows so much interest that Hank doesn’t even know what to say
Juliet training with Natasha
Natasha wanting to use the Jade-Ring-Technique so bad
“I’m going to kill this child” “Logan no”
Angeline and Artemis Senior supporting Charles Xavier’s projects and goals
Tony constantly challenging Artemis
In the end he just seems like a second Dad to him
Artemis hanging out so often with Pepper that he is asked to pose with her for magazines
*Holly giggling in the background* “I, uh, no, thanks.”
Thor taking Artemis to Asgard
Steve telling Artemis how times used to be
Artemis getting called ‘grandpa’ very often and Bucky and Steve relate
Grandfather jokes
Deadpool hugging Butler lots because he finds the Kevlar chest awesome
Butler turning into a giant Teddybear in general, because not only Deadpool, but the younger students at the X-Mansion love him
Artemis loving and studying at the X-Mansion whenever he is in America during school term
Magneto terrorizing everybody once again and Artemis pointing out how much he used to love Charles get’s him hesitating
To support that, Foaly calls up files about Young!Charles and Erik, since the LEP had been monitoring them during that time
Artemis using “There’s so much more to you than you know” is like a smack in the face for Erik
Bruce’s constant video chatting with Foaly annoys everybody
“Julius would have loved Fury”
Juliet getting a job at S.H.I.E.L.D, also getting Coulson and Hill to watch Wrestling with her
Artemis promising Bucky that he’ll do anything in his power to restore his memories and stop HYDRA
Bucky loving Holly like a sister
Maximoff Twins babysitting Fowl Twins
Wolverine and Butler exchanging war stories
Artemis helping Peter with his studies
Artemis helping Peter with everything
Literally everyone strongly believes Artemis has a crush on Peter
The Fowls speaking up for mutants
Holly setting an alarm for midnight so she can eat cake with Natasha
