#holding space

I’ve been struggling since I’ve had to return to “the new normal.” During the stay at home order I did just that, stayed at home. I ate when I was hungry, rest when I was tired, played in the garden, lay in the sun all day.. I listened to my body and I found a new light to see myself in. I found that self love. I didn’t weigh myself after I ate many, many homemade sourdough waffles. I held my hands to my heart and felt how happy it made me instead. I was able to breathe. I was able to hold space for myself. I was able to slow down and really reevaluate what I wanted in my life, and what I didn’t.

Now I’m back at work. Now I can’t breathe. I’m clenching my jaw all day, dealing with rude people, scared people. The amount of protective equipment I have to wear all day makes me claustrophobic. I feel every semblance of peace I had gained over the past few months, quickly fading away. And with that, the love for myself and my body.

I stepped on the scale and “Ew” came out of my mouth without even thinking about it. I feel good in my clothes, in my body, why did I feel the need to say that? I put on the same pair of shorts I wore a month ago and stood in front of the mirror with a look of disgust on my face while looking at every bit of cellulite on the back of my thighs. Every stretch mark on my hips. Every bit of extra skin I gained from my loss. From my loss. And that stops me everytime. It brings me back. It reminds me of what I’ve held, what I hold, what is all possible with this beautiful body. I love me. I love you.