#i dont know who i am

“I lost, I lost

I lost control again

Always do the same and I’m to blame

I lost control again

- Alan Walker

I am so upset and pissed off after therapy. I was already a bit of an emotional wreck going in but now I have nothing left. I don’t have many words but the general gist of the entire session was being told I’m not trying to get out of the house/socialise enough, I’m over the top in my current covid stance and my physical and mental health are just going to get worse because I’m so isolated. Well no fucking shit I’m isolated, my partner and I both have a range of disabilities that made life very difficult even before the pandemic, my family (sister & family) haven’t taken covid seriously/won’t vaccinate their kids whereas I am “clinically extremely vulnerable” so can’t see them and also thanks for highlighting the fact we basically have next to no ‘real life’ friends to see because people have lost patience over the years because of cancelled plans (due to said disabilities). I’m sure it would be lovely to take trips out but neither I nor my partner can drive right now due to health reasons and my partner can’t walk more than a few metres without needing to sit down because of pain. Doing the bare minimum at home literally takes all of our energy, you try it for a day and see if you want to go out and force being sociable just to spend multiple days afterwards recovering. There are so many reasons leaving the house isn’t as god damn simple as you make it sound, I shouldn’t have to explain them all to make you realise I’m actually trying my fucking best.

Also I’m glad you don’t know anyone who’s had covid badly, that doesn’t mean everyone is that lucky and some of us vulnerable folks are pretty terrified that infections and hospitalisations are increasing again, this time with no legal restrictions to protect us. I’m not waiting for covid to truly be over before continuing my life, I know there’s going to be fluctuations and different variants over time, I’m not an idiot, but I’m allowed to be scared when it’s the people like me who are still getting seriously ill! I’ve enforced a boundary with family members for my health for the first time in my life and I’m not going to let you make me feel bad for it! Why should I put myself in potential danger when I don’t have to just because the world is trying to move on from a pandemic that is still very much happening?! For fucks sake.

I don’t know where the time went, I feel like half the session was trying not to cry/trying to hold off the part who wanted to swear and walk out, then I did cry and just wanted to be at home. Well worth the £75 per session. Fuck today honestly.