#intentionality

anexperimentallife:

anexperimentallife:

I know every new writer has been cautioned against filters, but there are times when filtering is perfect for a scene, so as long as you’re filtering intentionally, with a specific purpose, go off!

Just remember that less is (usually) more. The main reason creative writing teachers come down so hard on filtering is that new writers often overuse it, but there are a variety of reasons you may filter to get a specific effect; do whatever is good for the story.

Sorry@mufflerfluffler​ and @iamthelowercase​ . I should have been more clear.

Filtering is when you filterthe scene through a character’s perceptions. “They saw the horse come over the hill” is filtering. “The horse came over the hill” is not. And usually, it’s a good idea to avoid filtering, but sometimes, for whatever reason, you might want to create distance between the reader and what’s happening.

For example, from my novelette Karma:

I remember the air tasted of cold grease and wet pavement. I remember the electric buzz of the street lamp, and the way its dirty light turned the drizzle into sparse gray streaks like anime rain. I remember the exact cadence of the trash can’s scraping and banging as we dragged it toward the dumpster. How screwed up do things have to get before taking out the trash is a fond memory worth replaying in your head?

Now, you can disagreewith my choice to use filtering there, but that’s a matter of preference. I wanted to create a sense of nostalgia, to pull back and put some distance between the reader and the scene for a moment, and to remind them that we are in the narrator’s head and memories–right before slamming into an intense action sequence. Sort of a “calm before the storm” kind of thing. So this is one case in which you might want to filter. (Or might not.)

See also admonitions against using modifiers–I use several in the above example, but I chose each one consciously and intentionally to set the mood. The buzz is “electric.” The streaks of drizzle are “sparse,” and “gray.” The light is “dirty.” And so on. You can disagree with my choices there, but they were choices, not things I did because I didn’t know any better.

Hope this clears things up. :-)

My partner and i recently got married. We’re really happy, but for the past half year I’ve caught feelings for two other friends. My husband feels the same way and these two friends are already in a relationship and poly. My husband has feelings but more platonic than my romantic feelings and doesn’t really wanna pursue anything. Every time i try to have a discussion about it he gets overwhelmed or jealous. But its like I just want them in queer platonic polycule?

I don’t want to have sex or even kiss them but I want to go on dates and hold hands and live together and raise kids with them. My partner feels exactly the same way but he is still super hesitant. He was this hesitant when we started dating so idk what to do about my feelings. Am I a bad person for wanting to pursue this even though my spouse is lowkey jealous? And am I a bad spouse for even wanting another relationship while being just recently married? I don’t want to weird my friends out but I don’t like to just not tell people how I feel about them. It feels wrong somehow. And on another note, sorry for all the questions, if my partner and I did decide to pursue this kind of relationship, how do I even go about it?

The good news is that the arrangement you’re describing is as old as humanity itself, and in fact how most families have been raised over the course of history. The “nuclear family,” where only two adults live in a detached home and are expected to meet all of each other’s financial, developmental, emotional, physical, culinary, etc. needs - as well as those of any children - is a very recent concept.

You may be well served by letting go of the concept of a “queer platonic polycule” and exploring language for what you really want that doesn’t signify a necessary departure from the monogamous marriage your husband feels committed to protect. What you’ve described may be well represented by other concepts, including family friends, kinship networks, close neighbors, chosen family, or non-blood cousins. Raising kids together, spending quality time together, supporting each other, and “doing life together” might be less threatening ways to talk about this, at least for your husband.

Talk with your husband about what he wants, and what he does not want. Be specific, using examples and real-world concepts rather than conceptual terms. What is his best case scenario, and what is his worst case scenario? What is he afraid of happening? Can he describe where his jealousy is coming from? What do you mean by “go on dates?” What kind of quality time spent with these other people would feel like “too much” or “jealousy-inducing” for him?

Talk through actual situations. Would you two want to plan joint vacations with this couple? How would you handle things like joint finances or individual healthcare costs? What does “raise kids together” mean for you? Are there any examples from books, movies, or your own lives that you can draw inspiration from? Do you know any neighbors, extended families, religious congregations, or other people who can help serve as a model for this kind of life?

Once you’ve figured out what you actually want, you can bring that up with the other couple. Instead of asking “do you want to form a queer platonic polycule,” ask them “what are your thoughts on co-living with us?” or “would you like to go camping with us next weekend?” Worry less about what words to put on things, and focus on how you want to be in relationship. In some cases, you might not need to have a Big Serious Relationship Defining Conversation, and can instead simply start intentionally living into the type of connection you want.

Finally, you ask whether you are a bad person for having these feelings and desires, and my answer to that question is a resounding: absolutely not! Our thoughts, feelings, and desires are entirely our own business and don’t have the power to make us a good or bad person. It’s how you act on them that matters. If you’re pressuring your husband into doing something that he doesn’t want, or you’re acting manipulative or otherwise disregarding his boundaries, then those are not great things to do, but I’d still caution you against equating “did an unhealthy or unhelpful thing” and “is a bad person.” You are you, and you contain multitudes, and you’ve hurt people and you’ve helped people, and you’re just a person. Try to let go of this notion that anything you think or do can make you “a bad person.”

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