(I tried to put the word “politely” in italics but it wouldn’t let me. Damn title games here on Tumblr I guess.)

(Also, I should probably never start a blog with brackets, eh?)

I’m a real weirdo, you know that right? All this dating, and I’m actually happier on my own. It’s hard to explain that to someone. Imagine being the girl who gets up after sex and leaves. (Not that I’ve had sex lately. I have a powerful ingrown hair right now that’s taken over my underwear region. I’ve named him “Kuato.”) Anyways, what happens when people learn all about your grossness, and still want to be with you? And then you need to drop the biggest bomb of all.

I don’t want a relationship.

It’s easy to assume that every woman is in search of “the one.” I am a new form of weirdo who enjoys my life alone. I’m in the comfort zone with myself. I am not in search of my soulmate. But I am in search of the perfect baked wing. (I need to cut back on my deep fried foods.)

I live by myself, and I facking love it. If you’ve never lived alone, you gotta try it. I’m allowed to live however I want. It’s amazing. I recently pushed all my couches back against my walls and permanently have my yoga mat in front of my TV so I can meditate to Rogers Galaxy Radio. (The adult pop channel, obvi.) I keep garbage in the fridge so it doesn’t stink up my apartment prior to garbage day. I have framed posters of both Kesha and Taylor Swift on my walls. I think I’m up to 67 Eco-bags, all of which are randomly hanging on every doorknob in my apartment. My vacuum is barely bigger than my vibrator. I flush my toilet once every three times I use it. Who wants me now?

I’ve had a few very special, awesome relationships in my life. How those guys ever put up with me is a wonder. (I do keep a good supply of beer in the fridge.) But at this point in my life, where my #1 goal is working on my career in comedy and writing, I can’t rock the boat with the distraction of love. It’s why I chose Tinder over EHarmony.

I remember seeing India Arie in concert Riverside, California in 2006. In between Heart of the MatterandWings of Forgiveness, she said, “Love is the blessing. But relationships are the work.” (And then tears were shed by me and hundreds of black women.) I tend to agree with India. Even when I’m in a super healthy relationship, I always worry about things that I shouldn’t. I can’t help it. With infidelity all around you, it’s mystical sometimes to believe that you’ve somehow dodged it. Being single, I’m totally carefree. It’s liberating. So when I enter into a relationship, I have to like that person more than I like being single. Which is a LOT. Plain and simple. If I see any signs of needy behaviour from someone, I run faster than any trainer could ever encourage. If I make out with you, instead of texting me and immediately wanting to know,

“Where this is going?”

I would rather a text like,

“Hey, just passed a guy with a solid jew fro and it reminded me of your bing bang.”

K, I’m obviously not speaking for all women here, but that’s what I would rather.

And just because we’re “single” doesn’t mean we’re “alone.” Far from it. These days, it’s almost impossible to feel alone. Even if you’re at home by yourself, is it possible to actually feel “lonely?” You got Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder, Snapchat, Netflix… wow. There’s a lot to do when you’re “alone.” If you’re like me, you’ll “take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while.”* If I have a moment where I truly feel alone, I love it. I do meditate for real. You probably don’t expect that from a girl who drinks four days a week. (K, sometimes five.) But I need it. It’s so peaceful. (Until somebody blares the car horn out your window. Also, it’s a good reminder I need to clean underneath my couches more often.)

So this is the creepy little life I’ve made for myself. Though it’s far from perfect, I love it. I have a shitload of great friends who never make me “alone.” And yes, I may go out with you, bond about life, kiss you… but at the end of the day… I gotta be on my own. It’s a dorky term, and I would like to come up with a new one, but I guess I really am a “free spirit.”

Clooney’s out. I’m still in.

xoxo, (but NO commitment please)

walkinsauce 

*That’s a line from my favourite Billy Joel song, Vienna! Hence why the phone reference is a little dated. As an update, I recommend just putting your phone on airplane mode. That way you can still listen to your Billy Joel collection.

When I was 12 my dad figured it was time to have the sex talk. He took my older brother and me out on the boat. We went around the river for a while and then my dad killed the engine in a secluded part of the coast. I don’t recall everything he said but from what I remember he said something like this:

Him: If you could get free milk whenever you wanted it, why would you buy a cow?

Me: …

Him: It wouldn’t really make sense, right?

Me: I guess not.

Him: Don’t drink milk from a bunch of different cows. Because if someone’s giving you free milk, they probably gave it to a lot of people before you, and it’s important to have your own cow.

Me: What about steaks?

Him: What?

Me: Well, if I was getting free milk, I might still buy a cow if I wanted steak.

Him: … that’s not funny Daniel. Let’s go.

I think the takeaway is that women are cows who are to be bought and sold with commitment. I think my point is a good one though.

Vows

Vows can be made even if one isn’t married…I like a few of these scripture about vows

Vows are usually made to God.

Psalm 116:18

I shall pay my vows to the Lord,

Oh may it be in the presence of all His people,

Vows help to protect us from evil, vows are to be fulfilled after receiving good news.

Nahum 1:15

Behold, on the mountains the feet of him who brings good news,

Who announces peace!

Celebrate your feasts, O Judah;

Pay your vows.

For never again will the wicked one pass through you;

He is cut off completely

Vows require gifts and offering. It isn’t just mere talk but with actions too.

Psalm 66:13

I shall come into Your house with burnt offerings;

I shall pay You my vows,

Vows are to be made daily. (Which totally makes sense in marriages especially a marriage with God)

Psalm 61:8

So I will sing praise to Your name forever,

That I may pay my vows day by day.

Vows that are fulfilled are for the public to know. It isn’t something done in secret. (Now I know why I cannot just be baptised in a secret location in the woods but in front of the church)

Psalm 116:18

I shall pay my vows to the Lord,

Oh may it be in the presence of all His people,

Even if its God hearing your prayer, you already need to fulfill a vow. It is a privilege for your complaints, thanksgiving to be heard. Because no one else on earth would have the time of day to give their heart to listen to you.

Job 22:27

“You will pray to Him, and He will hear you;

And you will pay your vows.

This has been more interesting than I have realised it to be. Hope you enjoy it and put it into your daily routine. Making vows and fulfilling vows :)

Seeing my little girl’s eyes roll up to the back of her skull, her skin flush, soft moans coming from deep inside her diaphragm and exiting through her angelic voice box, while her toes curl and hands more than firmly grip on to our bed sheets, as if to hold herself down from literally soaring into the stratosphere, while I’m rhythmically thrusting my solid, uncut, thick, veiny, pulsating and nonstop precum-dripping cock into her drenched and delightfully tight cunt. Her internal organs begging with an instinctively maternal desire to nourish a life, a life initiated through the very member I vigorously pump inside her, ultimately resulting in an excessively unnatural amount of my hot, creamy DNA baptizing her reproductive organs. My dark eyes enhanced with long black eyelashes locks onto her gaze once she snaps back to reality from her ongoing and seemingly neverending moment of internal rapture.
It is with the utmost conviction that I then take the time to remind and assure her of the fact that no other person would EVER, in however many life times, bestow the amount and intensity of primally raw pleasure that I provide.
The satisfaction, accordance and pride presented in her demeanor upon that statement was priceless.
We have fought to be where we are at this moment in time, and chosen each other. We’ll forever grow as old as we’ll ever get together, side by side. Nothing, and I truly mean NOTHING is as joyful to the soul as that realization.

“So it’s not me you believe in, put trust in; it’s love.” She looked at him. “Not just me; any man”

“Yes. It’s love. They say love dies between two people. That’s wrong. It doesn’t die. It just leaves you, goes away, if you are not good enough, worthy enough. It doesn’t die; you’re the one that dies. It’s like the ocean: if you’re no good, if you begin to make a bad smell in it, it just spews you up somewhere to die. You die anyway, but I had rather drown in the ocean than be urped onto a strip of dead beach and be dried away by the sun into a little foul smear with no name to it, just This Was for an epitaph. Get up. I told the man we would move in today.”

–Faulkner, The Wild Palms

Gift art for duvetbird on instagram!

Not even sure what I’m asking .. In the last year, I’ve realized I’m polyamorous. I know my partner is not and is not open to it. (We’ve discussed it casually in the past.) Our relationship is good. We have changed and learned together and overcome a lot. We’ve been together as friends, dating, or married for about 18 years now. This isn’t a relationship I’m willing to break. I guess I’m just sad I’ll never get to experience this part of myself. In some ways, I wish I had figured it out when I was younger, before I was in a committed relationship. Any advice on coping in a healthy way? (Hey, I figured out what I’m trying to ask.) I don’t feel any resentment toward my partner, so at least there’s that. I know suppressing things usually isn’t a great choice…but this is the decision I’ve made. Any advice or comments/perspectives welcome.

I think you’ve basically answered your own question. You have made this choice, and you’ve decided to commit to this choice. Ultimately, we can’t live in the land of “what-if,” and we have to make the best life that we have, right where we are.

All choices require some kind of sacrifice, and we all have to figure out how to live with that. Some of us choose to travel the world, which requires letting go of a rooted, stable, white picket fence life. Others choose to settle down, which doesn’t allow for globetrotting adventures. Having children, not having children, moving to a new city, staying near your family, pursuing a PhD, investing in a career - it’s all the same.

The job you take is the one you’ll complain about. The person you marry is the one you’ll fight with. The grass will always look greener in the land of “what-if,” but actually, the grass is greener where you water it.

You’re not the first person to grapple with the bittersweet grief of letting go of the-life-that-could-have-been. Perhaps my favorite depiction of this very human experience is Sylvia Plath’s allegory of the fig tree. However, unlike Plath’s narrator, you’re not standing there and letting the figs fall off and rot as you struggle to make a decision. You’ve reached out for a plump, juicy fruit and accepted that, because of the way linear time works, this choice necessarily excludes other ones. And now you’ve taken the very healthy route of choosing to focus on the sweetness of the fig you’ve chosen rather than get longingly distracted by the ones you didn’t pick.

Could you have been happy doing something else? Probably. But then you wouldn’t be doing this! I think accepting the limitations of our “one and precious life” and making the choice to be happy with what’s in front of you is a far cry from “suppression.” Congratulations on making a life that fulfills you and brings you joy. Good job committing to that life and staking out your place on that patch of green grass. Enjoy that fig.

fr3ight-train:

acutelesbian:

fat-thin-skinny:

acutelesbian:

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

this fucks me up every single time

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.

This is so fucking important and I think it’s something I needed right now

Consummate love is the holy trinity of intimacy, passion, and commitment.

Aries: being ignored

Taurus: change

Gemini: being alone

Cancer: rejection

Leo: being humiliated publicly

Virgo: being bullied

Libra: not having friends

Scorpio: betrayal/disloyalty

Sagittarius: commitment

Capricorn: not being good enough

Aquarius: being replaced

Pisces: not achieving their dreams

For a long time I didn’t understand why I kept attracting unavailable partners. I especially didn’t understand why I was attracted to these men that were making me miserable.

In order to break a pattern, you need to become aware of it and understand why it keeps happening. Awareness is always the first step towards change.

Why do you fall for these unavailable partners?

1. To feel good about yourself:

When you are attracted to someone who isn’t willing to be all in, someone who won’t even commit to a relationship, it is likely you’re trying to convince them to love you.

This person is basically saying they only want a part of you and therefore they are rejecting the rest of you. You want nothing more than for them to call you up and say: “I’ve seen the light, I’m all in, let’s make babies”. You think that if this were to ever happen it would PROVE that you are good enough, it would mean you are lovable and worthy. You will have finally found someone who wants to love you despite all your (self-perceived) flaws.

What you are actually looking for, your “end goal”, is to feel good about yourself. You crave to feel completely accepted. 

2. You reject your own needs:

The way you judge yourself is also how you judge other people. For a long time I thought being strong meant not needing people, and so I rejected my own need for love and intimacy. When I met men that showed me their need for love and affection I would get turned off. Needs equaled weakness to me. I couldn’t accept their needs, since I wouldn’t accept my own. Consequently, I was only attracted to men who didn’t need me and were not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Think about how you have been judging yourself and which of your needs you’ve been rejecting. It can be helpful to examine what turns you off in a partner. 

3. You have linked love to pain:

Ever since my really painful breakup I keep meeting unavailable men. I now realize that I might be unavailable myself. Subconsciously I have linked relationships to intense pain. And even though I say I want a relationship, my subconscious is avoiding love like the plague. Your subconscious is trying to look out for you and guide you in the direction of pleasure instead of pain. All of the decisions we make in life are to gain pleasure or to avoid pain.

Maybe your last relationship was really painful? Perhaps your partner hurt you really bad? As a result, you now have this subconscious belief that people will hurt you and that relationships equal pain. A lot of the beliefs we have about life are subconscious. It’s very important to become aware of these beliefs in order to be able to break these toxic patterns.

How can you break the pattern?

1. Cut out the middleman:

You think by convincing someone to love you, you will prove that you are worthy and finally be able to feel good about yourself. However, this other person is only the middleman, you don’t need them to feel good about yourself. Instead focus on accepting who you truly are and love this person. Make this your goal instead of waiting for someone else to be convinced of your worth. Remember that we attract the love we think we deserve. The world is always mirroring our inner world. If you only accept some parts of yourself, you will continue to attract partners that only accept and want some parts of you.

“Everything that happens to you is a reflection of what you believe about yourself. We cannot outperform our level of self-esteem. We cannot draw to ourselves more than we think we are worth.”― Iyanla Vanzant

2. What language do you speak:

According to counselor Gary chapman there are 5 love languages, basically these are the 5 ways that people speak and understand love.

• Words of Affirmation: You want your partner to use their words to express love, affection and appreciation
• Acts of Service: You like partners who show their love with their actions
• Receiving Gifts:  You feel most loved when your partner gives you gifts as an expression of their love
• Quality Time: You want your partner to show their love with undivided attention.
• Physical Touch: Your enjoy affection through physical touch 

I have realized for example that I feel most loved when my partner is physically affectionate, he uses words to express his love and we spend a lot of time together. What are your love needs, when do you feel most loved? Be honest about what you want, don’t be ashamed of your needs.

Finally commit to a partner that uses the same love language, or someone who is willing to learn your love language. 

3. Get yourself a new mirror:

When someone truly isn’t willing or ready to commit, pretty much nothing you do will change their mind. This is because it really isn’t about you. You are both each other’s mirror. This means that if he doesn’t accept himself completely, he will not be able to love all of you. This person isn’t in a place to give and receive the kind of love you want. This is all about the relationship they have with themselves.

If you want to meet someone who is truly available and ready to commit, you need to become that type of person yourself. Be the type of person you want to attract and you will see a different image in your world mirror. 

“It is not possible to love someone enough to get them to stop hating, and being unavailable, to them self.”― Robert Burney

4. Invest wisely:

In order to really break this pattern you need to take action. The next time you meet someone, be aware of this person’s intentions. What are they looking for? If you are looking for a commitment and all the signs are showing you that this person isn’t looking for the same thing, you need to cut contact. Immediately. Let them know that you are in different places right now, otherwise you risk becoming emotionally invested. And once that happens you will find yourself living in hope land again.

Also, instead of listening to what they tell you, look at what they show you. Actions scream what words hide. If someone talks about wanting a relationship, but then disappears for 3 days, it’s obvious this person is not genuine.

It all comes down to getting to know yourself. Learn to accept who you are, you don’t need anyone else’s approval to be yourself. And realize that you deserve to experience whatever you desire. I am currently also still in the process of learning to value and truly love myself. And I also realize that things don’t always work out according to our time schedule. Sometimes the universe has a different plan for our lives and all we can do is have faith and let go of desiring a specific outcome.

Anon wrote:

Hi, hope you’re okay. Enfj 26/F. I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style. I dont always ‘feel’ positively in relationships or in situations where others would.

I would suggest that you explore attachment style with a qualified therapist, since it probably requires you to dig into your past to properly resolve the negative experiences that produced your unhealthy attachment style. This is not something that can be addressed in a blog post with a stranger.

A lot of my friends have been NF/NT types. But in retrospect I haven’t felt emotionally fulfilled by much and now that I’m looking into potential partners it’s starting to make things a little difficult. I do feel as though I’ve been relying heavily on Ni for the past 10 years or so and all my relationships have been shaped by that. What would you advise for me in this situation. I feel as though I know what I’m looking for in someone but that seems to be informed through Ni ideals.

You mention Ni “ideals”, which I assume means you set up certain (unreasonable) expectations that lead you in the wrong direction. This is indeed a common ENFJ problem, however, I need you to give me an example of how the problem manifests for YOU in your life, not just in general.

I’ve been trying to work on my emotional awareness/intelligence through resources but I feel like I keep hitting a wall. I would really appreciate your advice.

Explain in more detail: What is the goal of working on emotional awareness/intelligence exactly? The solution should fit the problem. If the problem is Ni development, how is EI going to address that?

When I mentioned relationships, I meant friendships. I have never been in a romantic relationship before and my culture/family/values means I have to consider potential partners and will get chaperoned till I feel like pursuing someone properly. My family have been fairly supportive and more open than other people of my culture but I’m not doing very well because of confusion/ feeling emotionally numb. Thanks

It sounds to me that there is a problem in how you conceptualize relationships, namely, that people are just concepts to you. To put it simply, you treat people merely as objects to satisfy whatever needs/desires/goals/ideals you have. This means that your approach to relationships is quite egocentric, mostly focused on you and what you want. Can you work out why this approach to friendship doesn’t work? If not, try to view it from their perspective.

Let’s say someone tries to befriend you. They are warm, friendly, and charming even. Yet, when they talk, it’s only focused on their ideas; when they ask questions, they’re only looking for specific answers to launch their next point; when they listen, they only hear the few ideas that they are interested in and ignore the rest of what you said. How would it feel to you to talk to someone like that? You’d probably feel unseen and unheard.

When you treat people as concepts or objects or only a means to an end, you ignore their humanity. There is no feelingof connection because there is no acknowledgement of any feelings. You don’t see or acknowledge how your behavior makes them feel. And when someone feels uncomfortable or even ill at ease with you, they don’t have the mental capacity to see or acknowledge your feelings. As a result, there is a thick psychological wall between you.

Whether it’s friendship or romance, a relationship can only start on the right foot when you come from a place of openness, trust, understanding, and giving -> the ingredients for love. You have to step up to give people what you hope to get in return. If you want to be heard, you have to listen. If you want to be understood, you have to understand. If you want to be loved, you have to give love. But you can’t give to people just because you want something from them. That’s merely a transaction, not love. You should give to someone because you appreciate who they are, you care about them and what happens to them, and you want to play an integral part in making them happy.

When you are dismissive and avoidant, you’re not giving the love that you hope to get. Rather, you’re actively running away from love because you fear the effect it might have on you. Improving EI would make a difference here because it would help you process your fears properly. If you grew up with dismissive or avoidant parents, it’s likely that you’re deeply afraid of being loved and thus aren’t even able to accept love when it’s offered to you. Why? Because, to you, love primarily means loss or rejection, so you’ve turned off your feelings to protect yourself from feeling hurt. You are basically caged by your fear. You must face your fears in order to overcome them. To be clear, this doesn’t mean that you just open yourself up to everyone indiscriminately. It means that you have to be capable of opening up when the time is right, in order to grasp the opportunities for real friendship whenever they appear.

Everyone needs love. But wantinglove is a somewhat different matter. Your ambivalenceto love seems to be the problem. The Ni issue is only a method of avoidance. By looking for the “perfect” person to fit your ideal, you hope that they never trigger your deep-seated fears, and, therefore, you never have to confront the truth of yourself. You are deflecting and outsourcing the responsibility for resolving your fears to other people. It doesn’t work because it is self-deception, merely pretending that the problem isn’t there through inventing a person or a world that doesn’t really exist. The price of using Ni in this unhealthy way is that you are detached from reality and thus never truly present with people, so how can you relate well with them? Your fear belongs to you. It is for you to take responsibility for resolving the obstacles that prevent you from opening up and giving of yourself to others.

Genuine question: Do you or don’t you want love? Wanting something means that it’s very important to you, so you must fully commit yourself to achieving it. You can’t loiter on the sidelines, play mind games, or always have one foot out the door “just in case”. When people see you doing an ambivalence dance, they won’t have confidence that you’ll be a true friend for them, so what would motivate them to stick with you? In short: If you want a good friend, the first thing you have to do is BE a good friend.

Commitment

Coming to terms with her sexuality was a big deal for Vanessa, she didn’t have the chance to come out the way she wanted, instead she was thrown out. She had forgiven Charity for how she handle things and she seemed to be in a happy place.

She knew that what she felt that night with Charity was mind blowing and she felt she owed it to herself to follow her heart and see where dating a woman could lead.

After a couple of wild nights with Charity, Vanessa was contemplating whether or not to put, “all her eggs in one basket”, and see where things with Charity could lead. Worried about being hurt or over committing Vanessa was acting weird and it hadn’t gone unnoticed.

Over at the woolpack, Vanessa and Charity have been enjoying some much needed alone time. With both of their pulses racing, they let out a big sigh…”wow, that was amazing”, a cheerful charity expressed. “Wow indeed”, Vanessa replied.

The pair of them led there getting their breath back, Charity cosied up into the chest of Vanessa, wanting to get comfortable for the night ahead. Vanessa suddenly became restless and fidgety, “babe you alright?”, Charity asked.

“Yeah, fine”, Vanessa mumbled. “Just need to be getting back to Johnny”.

“You’re leaving?”, a confused Charity responded.

“Yeah, sorry. Rhona has an early start.”

“Ok.. umm well I’ll see you tomorrow then?”, a hopeful charity asked.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow”, Vanessa replied leaning in to kiss Charity goodnight.

As Vanessa left, Charity’s happy mood suddenly turned sour, she kept thinking to herself, why does Vanessa never stay? She always leaves? Have I done something wrong?

The following morning Charity woke up in an awful mood, with a million thoughts and feelings running through her head. Making herself a strong coffee, Charity sits down contemplating what could possibly be going wrong between her and Vanessa. Thinking that its not normal for people to leave straight after making love.

A bright and breezy Chas walks in, “Morning, how was your wild night of passion?”.

“Don’t ask”, mumbled a visible irate Charity.

“Trouble in paradise?”, Chas replied in a sarcastic tone.

“Sit down, i need some advice from you and yes before you make some witty, sarcastic comment, i am asking you for advice”. Charity reluctantly asked.

“Go for it”.

“I think I’ve done something to upset Vanessa, i mean the sex is fantastic and i get no complaints from her”, she said proudly with a massive grin on her face. “But she never stays over, she never falls asleep with me, she always leaves and I don’t get why?”.

“There could be many reasons why she doesn’t want to stay over, maybe she turns into a werewolf at midnight?”, Chas chirped back, letting off a slight giggle.

“CHAS, I’m trying to be serious right now!” Charity shouted.

“Look speaking from experience when I didn’t want to stay over it was either because i was just interested in the sex, scared of committing or scared of being hurt”. Chas answered in a very serious manner.

A confused looking Charity left the room in a swift manner.

****

A knock at the door of Tug Ghyll bewildered Vanessa. Who could possibly be knocking on the door at this time in the morning? Vanessa opened the door to a smiley Rhona, who stood there holding two hot coffees and freshly cooked pastries from the cafe.

“Morning sunshine, mind if i come in?” Asked a chirpy Rhona. “What’s with your miserable face?”

“Ohhh don’t ask”, Vanessa sighed.

“Well i just did, so get comfy lady I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s wrong”.

Letting out a big sigh Vanessa replied… “I’m scared, scared of getting hurt”.

“Getting hurt, what do you mean?”a puzzled Rhona asked.

“I’m scared I’m falling for her, every minute i spend with her the further I’m falling and it scares the crap out of me. I cant even stay the night because for me that’s showing commitment and I’m scared to commit in case its not what she wants”. Explains a visibly upset Vanessa.

Rhona took a deep breath in, took Vanessa hand and held it tightly. “There’s no lie that Charity in the past hasn’t had the most successful time with her relationships. I mean there was Chris, Cain, Jai, Declan, Ross, Cain again… its an impressive list of failed relationships.”

“Rub it in why don’t you Rhona, that’s not helping me”.

“You didn’t let me finish, I was going to say yes, she has failed miserably in the past but… the last few months I’ve seen a different side to Charity. She smiles when you walk into the room, she’s nicer when she’s around you, she’s shown that she does care about you. I know I’m not her biggest fan, but give her a chance, its scary and she may well end up breaking you heart. But she could also turn out to be the love of your life. You know ill always be here to pick up the pieces if it does go wrong, and well if it goes right i expect to be your maid of honour”, Rhona said with a smile on her face.

“You really think i should go for it?”

“I think you should at least sit down and have a chat with her”.

Deciding that there was no time like the present, Vanessa grabs her coat and makes her way to the Woolpack.

****

Over at the Woolpack, Charity with a miserable expression on her face is reluctantly finishing her shift. In walked Vanessa with a air of self confidence surrounding her, Charity instantly clocks her, putting a smile straight on her face.

“Can we talk?” Vanessa asked.

Charity looks over to Chas who gives her the nod of approval to take a break, “Yeah, come on through”.

Acting like a pair of nervous teenagers, Vanessa sits. An agitated Charity cant keep still so asks Vanessa, “can i get you a drink? Tea, coffee, wine, something stronger?”.

“I’m fine thanks, just come sit.”

“Why do i suddenly get the feeling that your about to give me some bad news?’”

“What? No.. i came to try explain why I’ve been acting weird and why i keep leaving after you know… we’ve had sex”.

“So there is a reason. Ive been so worried all day that I’ve done something wrong or you didn’t enjoy yourself.”

“No, nothing like that, its amazing, your amazing.”

“Then what? You can talk to me, I don’t bite.. well not all the time” Charity added cheekily.

“The reason I’ve been acting weird and leaving is because I’m scared to commit, I’m scared that I’m just another fling for you”.

Charity grabs Vanessa hand, squeezing it tight, “You are not just another fling, you are so much more to me than that. I care about you, I know I don’t express things like this enough and I’m working on it. You make me a better person, a person I like being. Yes i make mistakes and do stupid things but i am happier around you”.

Sighing, vanessa responded, “I want to not have to worry about whether or not you’ll be there in the morning when i wake up. I want to be able to trust that I’m enough for you and that you wont go searching for happiness elsewhere”.

“Look i cant promise you that i will never hurt you, or make mistakes. But i will do my best to treat you like you deserve to be treated, i will make you happy until you decide otherwise. But most importantly i want to be able to fall asleep next you and wake up to your beautiful smile”.

Vanessa’s expression immediately changed, looking directly into charity’s eyes she calmly said “Ok, so here’s the deal. We both do our best not to hurt one another, we try to focus on making each other happy, but most importantly we communicate. We are both grown adults and for this to work we have to be able to talk to each other.”

“Oh we can talk, but for now I’m done with talking. Vanessa Woodfield would you do me the honour of escorting me to the bedroom and staying the night”. Charity expressed whilst leaning in for a kiss, Vanessa nodded as the pair made their way upstairs.