My entry for day 10 of our Christmas Calendar.Find all the information here.

Summary:Reader feels like it’s time for the Pogues to finally have a nice Christmas and sets up a secret santa party … only things don’t go as planned.

Likes, reblogs, comments are all much appreciated. I am German. Sometimes I get the tense wrong or make mistakes. I am useless when it comes to punctuation. Go easy on me, please.

It’s a well-known fact, that the downside of Pogue life is being ignored and neglected. That sentiment also extends to Christmas and all that comes with it. 

While figure 8 is decked out in lights and tinsel and garland, the most you’ll find at the cut is a wreath or two hung up on a door and maybe a poinsettia perched on a windowsill.

“ This year it’s gonna be different! “ (Y/N) exclaims as she steps out of the Chateau and plops down on the couch next to JJ, who’s taking a long drag from his freshly rolled blunt.

 “ What are you talking about? “ Kie asks, holding her hand out and waiting for JJ to pass the joint to her. “ I mean, whatever it is I’m in, just wondering. “ 

“ Christmas. “ 

“ Christmas? “ Pope asks, eyebrow raised in question.

It’s no secret that both Pope and Kie have lucked out in the parents department. The Haywards are as loving as they come. And while Kie loves to paint her parents as the evil villains in her origin story, they’re really just looking out for her. Sure, their worry might be a bit misplaced sometimes, but It comes from a place of deep unconditional love.

That’s something not all of the Pogues can say about their parents.

“Yes, Pope. You heard me right. Aren’t you guys tired of feeling - sad?  I am. Look I know we like to pretend that it doesn’t bother us and that Christmas is just a day of the year like any other. But let me be honest, because that’s what we do right? Pogues are honest with each other. ”

The group nods in unison.

“I want a nice Christmas for once. I want a tree and I want lights and good food and music and fucking hell, I think we deserve a present too!”

“ You have a plan. “ It’s not a question that leaves John B’s lips, it’s an observation. Living through shared misery makes you really get to know someone. Not just their pretty sides, all the grime and the sadness and the secrets hidden in the furthest corner of their heart. The Pogues can read each other with just a glance. 

“ What about a little Pogue Christmas party? “ 

“ I’m — “ 

“ I know Pope, “ she interrupts him as he’s about to shoot down the idea. “ I know you have a full plate on Christmas day, so does Kie. I was thinking about Christmas Eve. We already have the lights out in the backyard thanks to JJ and the Hot tub incident. “ 

“ You’re welcome, “ the blond boy chimes up next to her, a satisfied grin on his lips and blue eyes sparkling with the power of a hundred frosted Christmas lights. 

“ I was thinking maybe Kie could bring some leftover from the Wreck so all that’s left is a tree and presents. “ 

JJ raises his hand as you would in school, signaling a question coming (Y/N)’s way.

“ Yes, JJ ? “

“ How are we gonna pay for the presents? May I remind you, both John B and I lost our jobs recently and I have about 3 dollars to my name so … “ 

“ That’s why I suggest a secret Santa. That way everyone gets something but everyone only has to buy one gift, and it doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy either. It’s the thought that counts. “ 

She looks around the group of friends, eyes meeting different shades of blue and brown and hazel. None of them seem too convinced. And really it was a long shot. But there’s a nagging in her heart, clawing at the walls of her chest, knocking against her ribcage. A distant longing that long lay dormant and asleep inside her but something has awoken it and no matter how much she tries to ignore it, she can’t. 

Maybe everything changing so quickly lately has her confused. Maybe seeing John B going after what he wants, Sarah and the gold and his father’s legacy, has opened her eyes a little. That things don’t have to be bad. That you can escape a life no matter how restricting and gloomy it is. 

And maybe the blond boy next to her has played a part in all of this too. Everything considered he should be bitter and angry and hold more hate inside himself than any other person on this earth. Life has shown him nothing but cruelty. JJ though, despite it all, is one of the softest people she knows. He’s got a heart filled with warmth and joy and so much love for his friends. Where life should’ve made him spiteful and mean it only made him loving and loyal. And while sometimes his actions end in a bit of a disaster, they always come from a place of care and unfiltered, all-consuming love for his friends, his family.

So does he not deserve a nice Christmas? Does he not deserve one night of feeling like he is enough, like they all are?

“ What do you guys say? “ 

For a moment they are quiet, contemplating her words over and over and her heart sinks knowing they don’t really want to. Maybe this is all a joke to them, maybe it doesn’t mean shit. But it does to her. So where’s the harm in trying. Right? 

And then she feels the soft touch of JJ’s hand against her shoulder. It’s barely there. If a whisper was a touch this would be it. But it doesn’t have to be more. It’s all it needs to be. It’s a reassurance, a promise, a hug, all in a soft little touch.

“ Sounds fun to me, “ he says and shrugs his shoulder before taking another drag of his joint. “ I mean, I don’t have anything else to do on Christmas Eve. You guys? “ 

He regards his friends with determined eyes. 

“ Sure, why not. “ John B shrugs and lifts his beer as if to toast on it. “ You’re right. We deserve a night of decadence. “ 

“ Guys, not to burst your bubble but I doubt whatever will be left is gonna be a decadent meal, “ Kie chimes up, lips screwed up in disappointment. 

John B takes a sip of his drink and lets out an amused chuckle. “ JJ’s been chewing on moldy toast the other day, everything’s a feast to him.“

“ I would fight you because that was rude but you aren’t wrong so I’ll let it slide. “ 

“ Very generous of you, good sir. “ 

“ You’re welcome, Darling. “ 

“ So, you guys are in? “ 

They all agree with various degrees of enthusiasm. It doesn’t matter though, not right now. They might not understand her reasoning, hell they might not even be excited. They’re in though. They agreed. They see how important it is to her, how much she longs for this one night of normalcy. And they show up. They’re there when it matters. 

“ Let me just write down our names real quick and then we draw. See who gets to buy who a present. And no cheating, guys. This stays anonymous until the party. And no switching either. John B, do you think Sarah wants to join in? “ 

“ Yeah, “ he responds, his brown curls bouncing chaotically as he nods his head in approval “ I’m sure she’d like that. To be included. “ 

(Y/N) has to admit that it was a little weird at first, to add another person to their tight-knit group. Especially someone like Sarah, who never had to deal with any of the issues the Pogues are raised with. Someone who never had to choose between putting food on the table or paying the electricity bill. Someone who never had to look in the mirror and tell themselves that sometimes a parent’s love is a handprint on a cheek. 

Someone who’s never had a Christmas without presents or a tree or lights or a family to spend it with.

But as much as she tried, she couldn’t help but fall in deep platonic love with the blonde. Sure, maybe she’s never had to deal with the same problems but she had her own issues, her own trauma. And maybe it’s not so much what you’ve been through that matters but how you grow from it, how you overcome it, how you find closure, and what you let it shape you into. That they all have in common. They overcome it together, with the help of each other and depending on the love and care their friends provide. So it only feels right to include her in this.

A few minutes later one after the other all the Pogues pull little scraps of paper from JJ’s hat, unfold them and without fail, each of them has a little smirk on their lips as they read the name of whoever it is they’re getting a present for. There’s something so comforting and familiar about their friendship. Something that is hard to explain to anyone that doesn’t live it. That isn’t included. All of them are so distinctly themselves and yet their bond is unwavering and can’t be broken so easily. 

“ I’m glad you guys decided to trust me in this. I can’t wait for Christmas Eve, “ (Y/N) exclaims before her gaze wanders to the clock on the wall. “ And on that note, I have to leave. My shift starts in 30 minutes. John B, I trust you give Sarah her piece of paper without peeking. “ 

“ Cross my heart, “ he answers and follows his words with his fingers painting an invisible cross on his chest. “ No peeking.” 

“Hey,” JJ speaks up, “think you can give me a ride to my place? ”

“Sure. Always”

As they sit in the car, driving through the sparsely decorated neighborhood, (Y/N) feels JJ’s eyes watching her intently.

“What’s up?”

“Hmm?”

“Why are you watching me?”

“Just wondering.”

“ ‘bout what?”

“Why is this so important to you? You never usually cared about Christmas”

(Y/N) takes a breath, tries to put her thoughts and feelings into words. It doesn’t really make sense to her how can it make sense to him? But truly If anyone will understand it’s JJ. 

“ I’m not sure, I just remembered the Christmases when I was little and mom was around. We didn’t really celebrate then either but she’d put me in the car and turn the radio all the way up as they played Christmas songs and we’d drive through figure 8 and look at the lights. And every year she said one day she’d give me a Christmas like that. I think seeing John B. finally going for what he wants and deserves and seeing him trying to make his dad proud. It made me think about what I wanted and what my mom would want. So yeah … it’s silly, I know.”

“Nah, it’s not,” JJ replies and reaches over to gently ruffle her hair. “It makes sense. I don’t really remember much of my life when mom was around but I remember this one Christmas when dad was working on some ship so he wasn’t around and she was - happy. And she’d make us pancakes and draw a Christmas tree with whipped cream on it. We were so happy that morning, I’d give everything to feel like that again. I get it.”

JJ doesn’t talk about his mom, ever. It’s an unspoken rule in their friendship. Partially because he doesn’t have much to talk about and partially because it breaks his heart, to know that despite how much his dad hates him, he’s the parent that stuck around. Not his mother. Not the woman who’s supposed to love him most.

At least John B. was left with one loving parent. 

So to hear him be vulnerable with her, sends an indescribable warmth through her whole body.

“Hey J, thanks for agreeing to this and having my back. Not sure the others would’ve said yes if it wasn’t for you.”

“No biggie. I think it’s a nice idea. And you’re right, we do fucking deserve something nice for once.”

His fingers keep softly stroking the back of her head, combing through her hair and making a calm settle in her bones.

“Can I tell you a secret?” She says, heart beating just a little too fast.

“Always.”

“Out of all of them, you’re my favorite.”

“That’s good. Cause you’re my favorite too.”

Sometimes there are moments when she thinks that there could be more. More than friendship. More than longing looks and fleeting touches and loving words sitting in the car driving down the cut. And then she remembers that they are friends and if something were to happen, the consequences could end all of it. What if it ends badly? Is she ready to give up their friendship for a maybe?

Not yet. Maybe not ever. So she’ll stay in this limbo with him, coming close but never arriving. Watching and waiting for something that never comes. Letting herself indulge in the what-ifs only in her dreams.

There’s a single window decked out in Christmas lights as they make their way to JJ’s place and it makes her smile. Maybe she isn’t the only one feeling the holiday spirit.

The backyard sparkles with lights, as the friends sit by the fire, bundled up in blankets, holding onto their steaming mugs of spiked hot chocolate. John B. licks the last drop of gravy off of his plate. When they agreed on Kie bringing leftovers, they hadn’t expected her to bring by a full-on feast. Ham and potatoes and gravy and pie. Maybe, (Y/N) thinks, maybe Kie’s dad doesn’t hate them all that much after all. None of this food seems like leftovers to her. Maybe it’s him feeling generous on Christmas eve or maybe it’s him having pity on the kids who never had a proper Christmas. Whatever it is, she’s entirely grateful.

“Time for presents?” (Y/N) asks, slightly bouncing in her seat which earns her a soft smile from JJ. If only she was brave enough to ask for more. To reach out her hand and take it. To tell him and see where it goes.

“Sounds good to me,” Sarah replies before pointing to a bag full of presents wrapped in all kinds of bright patterned wrapping paper. “As you know we had Wheezie wrap them so the wrapping skills or lack thereof wouldn’t give away the surprise.”

“Okay so you open your gift and then guess who you got it from and whoever gifted you will reveal themself. Got it?” (Y/N) explains, looking around her group of friends who all nod in understanding.

“Good, let’s see, this one is for John B.,” she says and hands the gift over to John B. who rips off the paper in one swift motion.

“Oooh Condoms and a - piece of paper?”

“Turn it over,” JJ explains, masking his words with a comically fake cough.

“It’s a - self-made coupon for a one-time board waxing. Now I wonder who that’s from.” John B. rubs his chin in mock consideration. “I’ll go with JJ?”

“Yeaaah Bree, you got it. You’re welcome by the way.”

“Uh - thanks I guess.” John B. Says and pulls the next gift from the bag. “This one is for Sarah”.

With a smile on her face, the blonde unwraps the package being met with a beautiful silver frame that holds a picture of her and John B. cuddled up to each other in the hammock taken sometime in summer, the light of the setting sun veiling them in a gorgeous golden glow. 

“Awww I love this. Well since you’re the only one who always carries around the camera I’m gonna say this was from (Y/N)?”

The girl nods “yup. I’ve been meaning to give you that picture for a while and then I found this vintage frame at the thrift store and it just all fell into place.”

“Thank you, that’s so sweet. I love it. Okay, the net one is foooor, JJ!”

“Ooh give it here,” JJ exclaims and wiggles his fingers in excitement. “Let’s seee. A sixpack and some board wax ayyy. Nice.”

“Hey look at that, you can use it to wax my board when I cash in my coupon” John B. pipes up earning him a raised middle finger from JJ. 

“How about no? You can have one of my beers though." 

"So nice. A true Christmas miracle.”

“Mmmh. Okay, so I’m not sure who got me this, maybe John B.?”

“Nope”, the brunette boy replies. “Wasn’t me. ”

“That was me.” Pope chimes in. “Thought about getting you a book but I thought this was more fitting.”

“Thanks, dude. Love it. Okay who next, ” JJ fumbles the next package from the bag. “This one’s for Kie.”

The girl gingerly opens the package to reveal a dainty silver chain with a cute little turtle pendant. 

“That’s adorable! ”

“And it’s handmade from a local business!” Sarah exclaims, which makes the group fall into a fit of laughter.

“What? Oh.”

“Yeaah. So I guess this one’s from Sarah,” Kie says between giggles. “Next one is for - Pope!”

He opens his gift, an engraved leather-bound notebook, rightly guessing that it’s from Kie.

“Next one is for - me again?”

The group looks around, each of them more confused than the next. 

“Yeah man, that’s from me. I got you.” John B. announces.

“No, I got Pope,” Kie disagrees.

“I guess we both got Pope?" 

"Then who did - oh fuck”

An uncomfortable, almost sad silence falls over the friends as they realize who must’ve been left out. 

“I guess I forgot to write down my own name. It’s no big deal really.” (Y/N) says and though she tries really hard to sound unbothered. 

“Hey I have two you can have this one,” Pope proposes holding the present out to her.

“No that’s okay. John bought it for you.”

Pope nods, his lips pulled into a sad smile “you sure?”

“Positive.”

While they fall back into a careless conversation fueled by the spiked chocolate and the Christmas spirit running through their hearts, (Y/N) can’t help but feel her own heart breaking a little. 

Before she can dwell on it for too long, she feels JJ’s hand gently rest on the small of her back, rubbing soft, comforting circles into her skin. It sucks, it really does but it feels just a little bit better when she’s this close to him.

Pope unwraps a box holding an ugly patterned tie. So he can look “professional,” John B. says.

They finish their chocolates and as the fire dies, so does the party. One by one they leave or retire to their rooms, getting ready to spend Christmas with their families or in Sarah and John B’s case, with each other.

And in the end, it’s only (Y/N) and JJ left. looking at the dimming embers glowing faintly. 

“ I’m sorry, (Y/N). I know you wanted this so badly and then we fucked it up and you didn’t even get a present. “ 

(Y/N) shrugs, trying not to let it show how much it really hurts. How angry she is at herself for messing this up.

“ I mean, it’s my own fault. I forgot to write down my name. And anyway — I got to spend tonight with the people I love most and you all had a good time and that’s really all that matters. “ 

JJ pulls her closer and places a kiss on her head which makes her forget about everything for a second. About her fuck up. About all the heartbreak she’s ever felt. About how unfair life really is. It all melts away and she wishes, oh she wishes he could do it again. And again. And again. Over and over until no wounds are left and the cracks in her heart are healed and life doesn’t feel so shit anymore.

“ Hey, Luke’s gone and I don’t really wanna be alone on Christmas eve. Wanna stay at mine? “ 

She wonders how anyone could say no to that. Not to JJ and his gorgeous blue eyes and that sparkle of — something that keeps looking back at her.

So she says yes. Of course, she says yes. It will always be a yes with JJ. Always. 

JJ’s bed is soft. It’s so soft she wonders if he misses it while he’s staying at the Chateau. It’s like sleeping on a cloud. The pillows smell like ocean air and JJ’s shampoo. It all smells of JJ. Warm and familiar and comforting. It smells like home to her. He’s home to her. So it’s no wonder (Y/N) falls asleep approximately 10 seconds after her head hits the pillow.

It isn’t until the notes of Queen’s “Thank god it’s Christmas” echo through the small house, that (Y/N) is shaken from her slumber.

“ What the fuck? “

Gripped by curiosity, (Y/N) makes her way down the hall and turns the corner to the living room when her jaw drops. 

The whole living area is decked out in hundreds of thousands of sparkling Christmas lights. Like an ocean of colors, a sea of stars. There’s tinsel hanging from the doorways and garlands strung along the ceiling. 

“What in the -”

“You’re up!” JJ steps into the room, two plates in his hand piled with what looks and smells like delicious sweet pancakes and a smile on his face that puts all the lights to shame.

“What time is it?”

“ um like 11:30 or something.”

“And you’re making pancakes?”

“Yes. For us. For our Christmas Party,” he says like it’s the most obvious thing. Like its not strange at all.

“Our party is over JJ.”

“No, it’s not! It’s our party and it starts now. See we got the lights,” he gestures around the room then shakes the plates in his hand slightly. “The food" 

Placing the food down on the table he makes his way to the corner of the room where a sickly looking yucca plant sits covered in tinsel and sparkly plastic ornaments. 

"Here’s our very own tree,” JJ announces, a wide smile gracing his face. He is so proud of this, his enthusiasm and excitement radiating from him and pulling (Y/N) into the deep with him. There’s just something about a happy JJ that makes you feel the joy too.

“When did you make this”, she asks and gestures around the room.

“While you were sleeping.”

“Jay …”

“And I even got you a present.”

“JJ, You - ”

“No, listen! You were so excited about this and then you didn’t even get a present. I know you said it’s not a big deal but I could tell how much you were beating yourself up over making that mistake. And look if anyone, we know best that Christmas isn’t about the materialistic things. But you deserve a little something for setting this up for us and for making us happy and giving us the only Christmas some of us will have this year. I want you to be happy too. I thought since your mom never gave you the figure 8 Christmas extravaganza, I’ll try to. Pogue style of course.”

“You made this, for me?”

JJ nods and though she can’t be entirely sure due to the lights casting colors all across the room, she’s fairly certain there’s a light shade of pink dusting his cheeks.

“I also got you a present. I - I didn’t wanna give it to you with the others around since we said no gifts only the secret Santa ones. But um … I made this a while ago. After that one time I fixed your car I had some scraps and some time left and yeah. ”

The present he hands her is messily wrapped in brown paper. There’s no glitter or fancy patterns or anything. But it doesn’t need any of that. It doesn’t really even matter what it is. JJ made this for her. He put time and effort into something just for her. It sends her heart pounding in all the crazy beautiful ways. 

As the paper falls away, she can finally make out what it is he gifted her. While it’s got a few rough edges, it’s a surprisingly delicate flower. There are log nuts and scrap metal welded together to create something so beautiful, so intricate. 

“You made this for me?” She asks, voice but a whisper. When all your life you learn that people are selfish and cruel, the little things can shake your entire world. Leave you breathless. 

“Mmhm. Remember I took that welding class once.”

“But you made this, for me,” she repeats her words, trying to emphasize what this really is about. What it is that makes her heart do twirls and pirouettes.

“I told you, you’re my favorite. You deserve this.”

And then the world comes crashing down like a meteor, full force headed for impact.

“I have nothing for you.”

JJ shrugs and she can tell he means it. That he isn’t looking for anything. While he always liked to joke and fantasize about riches and fortune, JJ was never someone that cared all too much about any of that. Even his wildest dreams usually only extended to a little surf hut and enough free time to see the world. No big cars or houses or anything fancy.

“You’re here. Honestly, this is the best Christmas I have had in a long time. I’m not alone for once so — “ 

“ Still. There must be something I can give you to say thank you. Something you want. “ 

JJ lets out a mix between a chuckle and a scoff. As if whatever thoughts have conjured up is but the silliest thing he has ever heard in his life. The most delusional of all thoughts. Maybe it is, but she wants to hear about it anyway. Because even the chaos feels weirdly calm coming from JJ. Sometimes, (Y/N) thinks, it’s not about avoiding the storms, not about outrunning them, it’s about who’s by your side while you brave it. It’s about holding on to the people that go through the storm with you. About those that hold your hand while the dust settles and that pick you up as you assess the damage.

“ What’s that reaction for? “ 

“  I uh — what I want I don’t want like this? “ 

“ Huh? “

“ Out of pity. Because you feel bad. I gave you something because I want to make you smile and not because I expect anything in return. Especially not what I want. “ 

He casts his eyes downward, almost as if he’s embarrassed. But JJ is never embarrassed, right? He’s not bashful or shy. 

Or maybe he is.

“ JJ, “ she approaches him again and softly lifts his chin to level his face with hers. His blue eyes could rival the ocean waves crashing outside in both how bright they are and how much emotion and power seems to be caught in them. “ Tell me what you want. “ 

“ You. “ 

It’s a whisper in the dark. A secret shared. A heart ripped from a ribcage and presented to the only person that keeps it beating. It’s a silent dream come true. 

It’s two teenagers who have never known love, finding a safe place in each other surrounded by an ocean of lights.

“ And I know it’s ridiculous and silly and dumb as shit because we’re friends right and it can’t happen. No Pogue on Pogue macking. I know the rule, fuck I MADE that rule. But I just — you are all I can think about and it’s not just because you look smokin’ in a bikini. It’s everything about you, even the things that drive me crazy. So if I could wish for anything for Christmas, anything at all, I’d ask for you. For us to be more than friends. But I understand that isn’t possible, like — I get it. I — “ 

His words get swallowed by the taste of her lips on his. Time stops for a second, or speeds up, or — really nothing about the passing of time fundamentally changes but as he realizes what’s happening and lets himself fall headfirst into this feeling of joy and belonging, it makes it seems like the world has stopped spinning for a second. His hands find their way to her face, pushing a few strands of hair out of the way, and he deepens the kiss. 

Britney Spears sings a cheesy pop song telling Santa she’s been good this year, as JJ pulls away but keeps (Y/N) close. Holds onto her as if he’s worried life is playing a trick on him and will pull her away any second now.

“ Was that a pity kiss? “ 

“ Did it feel like a pity kiss? “ 

“ No. That felt really good. “ 

“ JJ, “ (Y/N) explains, “I’ve been into you for way longer than I like to admit. I just never thought you felt that way about me. “ 

“ I think I did. For a while. I just — I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like. You know I don’t have the best examples. Big feelings scare the shit out of me. “ 

“ Me too. I think they might be worth it though. “ 

“ Yeah, I think you might be right. Hey would you look at that,“ he exclaims and points above their heads where a fake holly branch dangles from a sparkly red garland. “ A mistletoe.” 

“ Uh, that’s — that’s not a mistletoe.” 

“ It’s called suspension of disbelief, okay? It’s impossible to find mistletoe on the OBX on short notice.” 

The two of them fall into a fit of laughter and for once life doesn’t send a storm their way, no gray clouds or harsh winds or downpour. Just a clear night sky and a thousand of twinkling lights shining alongside the stars.

And when he kisses her again and again and again, she thinks maybe there are Christmas miracles and maybe they aren’t made from magic but from love.

“ Hey,” JJ whispers against her lips as he pulls away for a second. 

“ What is it? “ 

“ It’s midnight. Do you know what that means? “ 

“ Hmm? “ 

“ It’s Christmas. “ 

“ Merry Christmas, JJ. I hope you like your presents. “ 

“ Yeah, “ he says and pulls her for another kiss. “ I love my presents. “ 

And when they manage to pull themselves away from each other and sit down by the kitchen table sharing pancakes and whipped cream, (Y/N) figures that this is love. 

It’s not handprints on a cheek, it’s not tears on a pillow, it’s not fancy gifts or decorated gardens.

It’s holding each other through storms and pain and heartbreak, through breaking waves and undercurrents. 

It’s sharing traditions and making your own. 

It’s promising to be better, to do better, to love more and harder and more openly.

Love is a kiss under the mistletoe. Pancakes at midnight. Whipped cream sprayed in the shape of a crooked star. A room full of lights. Bad Christmas music. It’s laughter. And friendship. And hope.

A Beautiful Somewhere II Chapter One

Series Masterlist x OBX MasterlistxFull MasterlistxSeries Summary

Chapter One — Who we are and who we were 

Chapter Summary: On her first night back on the OBX in over 4 years, Stevie finds herself trying to come to terms with all the things that have changed since she’s left. Like her living situation, the fact that Kie seems to hate her and — well JJ. 

E. E. Cummings once wrote “For whatever we lose (like a you or a me)

it’s always ourselves we find in the sea”

Wave upon crashing wave, Stevie’s eyes trail across the ocean before her as it keeps swallowing times long gone only to spit them back out like fragments of memories buried somewhere in the furthest corner of her heart.

Maybe, she thinks, he was right. Maybe she is out there, desperately trying to keep her head above the water, thrashing, and fighting and holding on to hope that one of these waves that try so desperately to drown her, will carry her to shore. To safety. To herself.

But maybe, the her out there on the sea, struggling and helpless, maybe that her is but a memory. A fragment of a life long gone. A ghost haunting the last place it’s still connected to, trying to keep the last few strings from snapping that still tie it to this world.

Maybe she’s regarding the same ocean with the same eyes, feels the same sand against her bare feet as she buries her toes in it. Maybe the air smells like the past and like home. And maybe things are familiar. Maybe everything is just the way it’s always been.

Everything but her.

Or maybe everything is different.

Dawn casts its golden glow across the beach and for a moment it feels like time stops as if to tell her to take a breath. Take one big breath. Just one. And then face the day. All of it, as it tries to pull you under.

And so she takes a breath. Salty ocean air and home fill her lungs and flood her mind with pictures of another blond girl, young and invincible and naive. Maybe, Stevie thinks, maybe if she’d taken a breath then, maybe things would’ve turned out differently.

She gathers her bag, slips her sandy toes back into her sandals, and gets off the ground, every step taking her away from the sea and back towards her bike and back towards the house. Her mother’s house. The new one.

It stands grand and intimidating with its crisp white walls and its ornamental railings. The grass is cut to perfection, the palms get exchanged for a new one if they ever dare to wilt or wither. Everything is perfect and if it isn’t it gets replaced.

There’s a metaphor somewhere in there, she’s sure. Something connecting this plastic palace to her inner turmoil. She’s in no shape to figure that one out though. Not today. Maybe not ever.

“ Where have you been? “

She’s barely stopped her bicycle by the garage when her sister’s voice cuts through the early morning quiet.

“ The beach. Why? “

“ Mom’s freaking out. Something about napkin colors, I don’t know. Honestly, Stevie if I have to look at yet another identical shade of blue I will off myself. Throw myself straight off of the balcony. “

“ Oh, but how will they ever scrub your blood off the marble? “

“ So funny. “

“ I get my sense of humor from dad. “

“ Clearly. “

There’s that expression again, the one that always ghosts across Sidney’s face whenever someone brings up their dad. If people didn’t know, they probably wouldn’t notice, but Stevie knows. She’s so familiar with that ghost of an expression, sees it reflected on her own face sometimes.

“ He called me the other day, by the way. Says to tell you he loves you. Wants us to come around for Christmas. “

“ Sure he does”, the older girl says and shrugs her shoulders in a way that’s supposed to look nonchalant and casual but Stevie knows her shoulders must hold the weight of half the world.

“ You should talk to him. He really has changed, Sid.”

A loaded static settles between the girls, pregnant with words unsaid, begging and pleading to finally cross over and fall from someone’s lips, and yet they are being swallowed over and over again. Cursed to forever be the “what we should have said” in the girls’ story.

“ Have you seen any of your friends yet? “

It’s a low blow. They both know. Sidney has that twinkle in her eyes that tells you she knows she won this round even if she had to use unfair tactics. Even if she had to put her fingers right into the wound. Twist and turn a bit. Just enough to open it back up.

“ Nope. “

“ Do they know you’re back? “

“ Miss Lana saw me get off the ferry, you think there’s anyone on this whole damn island who doesn’t know by now? “

“ So you didn’t tell them? “

Oh if only she stayed a little longer in her little moment by the beach with no one to answer to but herself and the roaring of the ocean and the song of the seagulls.

“ Look, it’s not like they checked up on me in the last few years so — “

“ You’re gonna run into them sooner or later. “

“ That’s fine. “

“ You’re gonna run into him. “

Maybe, Stevie thinks, maybe Sidney doesn’t have to throw herself off of the balcony to escape their mother’s wedding craze. Maybe Stevie will have mercy on her, strangle her right here right now, and put them both out of their misery. What is it with sisters and their incessant need to voice the exact thoughts you try so hard not to think about?

“ Little Collins! “ Richard’s voice bellows from the living room as Stevie and Sid make their way inside. “ Where have you been, kiddo.”

The girls share a look. Richard is — nice. Nice enough. He tries to be involved, tries to show interest in them both. What he fails to realize is that the two of them are not children anymore. They’ve made it through 22 and 24 years of life respectively, with a dad who was gone more often than he was present. Maybe back then they could’ve used a substitute father. Now though? Not so much. There’s a point in your life where your daddy issues stop being issues and become part of who you are, like a beauty mark or a scar or a chipped tooth from jumping off a swing and losing your footing. At least that’s how Stevie sees it.

Richard is nice, but he’s not her dad, nor will he ever be, nor does he have to be.

“ If I’m little Collins, who are you? Big Collins? Medium-sized Collins?“ Stevie whispers through the side of her mouth, just barely loud enough for her sister to hear.

“ Ugh, Sid Vicious. “

“ No, “ Stevie gasps though she can’t hold back the amused chuckle pushing its way past her lips.

“ Mmmh. But hey, he’s a nice guy, and if this is his only quirk that’s fine with me. Also, it’s just this summer, then you and I will leave again and only have to deal with his dumb nicknames on like Christmas or weddings or funerals. Maybe some birthdays. “

It’s true. Their mom could’ve chosen a lot worse. At least Richard tries and he seems to really love their mom, so what’s a few annoying quirks in the big picture?

“Talking about birthdays…” Sid starts, dragging out the word birthdays in a way that makes Stevie acutely aware that what follows is not something she’ll particularly like. “There’s a party tonight at Topper’s place. “

“Is it his birthday?”

“No but I saw a chance to segue into the topic and I took it. Anyway, I was thinking we could go.”

“To Topper’s party? Sid, him and his friends are the same guys that used to bully us back in high school simply for the fact we weren’t as rich as them,” Stevie exclaims, an unease settling in her bones. And yeah, maybe it was about the fact that the kooks had been especially hard on them during their teen years, but maybe part of it was tied to something else. Someone else.

“Things have changed, Stevie. We’re all older and wiser.”

“Topper is wiser?” Stevie questions making the two girls laugh at how ridiculous this conversation actually is.

“Okay maybe not wiser, but he’s actually nice now. And hey, we’re technically kooks now too. Our house is one of the biggest on figure 8.”

It’s true. Technically. Their mother’s new house, the one she moved into with Richard, is newly built. Pristine and fancy and so fucking big. The living room alone seems grander than their entire old house. It’s not home though. And it’s not them.

As far as she is concerned, Stevie will never be a kook, and will never consider herself or her sister one. Being a Pogue is a way of life, an attitude. Money doesn’t change nothing about it. Once a pogue always a pogue.

“Look I know you’re worried about what’s gonna happen when you run into your friends but it’s gonna happen sooner or later. This island isn’t big enough to outrun them. So why not rip off the bandaid and get it over with?”

“Maybe that’s not the kind of person I am,” Stevie replies, shrugging her shoulders to underline her words “ maybe I’d rather soak the bandaid in water until my skin goes all wrinkly and it falls off by itself?”

Sidney scoffs at her younger sister’s words “you’re being so fucking dramatic.”

“I’m a writer Sid. I’m supposed to be dramatic. It’s literally my job.”

“Yeah well, it’s my job as an older sister to keep you from barricading yourself in your room all summer just because you’re afraid to see your ex-boyfriend. I’m putting my foot down, you’re coming with me tonight!”

… yeah ex-boyfriend.

Sometimes she feels bad for keeping secrets. Especially from Sidney. Sid who would have a stern talk with her but who would never judge her harshly or unfairly. But some secrets you keep so close to your heart, sharing them, speaking them out loud feels a little like ripping open your chest and inviting people to hurt you.

Sometimes the guilt gets so bad it leads her to make stupid decisions.

Like saying yes to her sister.

Like going to a kook party.

The smell of cheap beer and sweat permeates the air as it does for most house parties, especially in summer.

There’s a bunch of people she remembers from high school. Faces so familiar from passing them in the halls for years but faces she is unable to match to a name.

Kooks and Pogues all kind of mingle with each other, differences still clearly displayed but something seems to have shifted. Maybe things have changed after all. Maybe getting older brings a kind of wisdom that outgrows the antiquated beliefs of a war between two social groups.

“So, what drinks are we feeling? Beer? Mixed?” Sidney asks, her gaze wandering over the crowd trying to take it all in and possibly looking for some of her old friends. Unlike Stevie, her older sister has managed to keep them close even with time and distance working against them.

“Uh, beer sounds good.”

10 minutes later, Stevie stands by the side of the pool watching two couples playing chicken fight, while grasping a can of cold beer in her hand. Sid is off mingling with her old buddies leaving Stevie by herself. For a moment …

“So,” a voice speaks up from beside her “when Sarah said she thought she saw you tonight I didn’t believe her at first. Couldn’t believe my oldest friend was back on the island and didn’t even give me a call or anything.”

“You said it, man. You’re my oldest friend. Took me 22 years and I still can’t manage to get rid of you.”

They share a laugh, knowing their teasing really comes from a place of infinite love. The kind you hold for only your oldest friends. Your brothers and sisters basically.

“Missed you, Stevie,” John says, his deep voice taking on a tone of seriousness before throwing his arms around her shoulder and placing a kiss on her head. “Missed you a whole fucking lot.”

John B. has been part of her life for as long as Stevie can remember. They only lived a few houses apart and their parents got along quite well.

Big John was always a mystery to Stevie. He was funny and warm and he seemed to have so much knowledge of so many things. But he was also reckless and sometimes irresponsible.

For a while, she wished that maybe he could be what her father never was but that silly fantasy soon dissolved when she realized just how much John B. was left alone.

Maybe bonding over daddy issues isn’t the most healthy bonding method of all but shared trauma makes you grow so much closer than anything else can.

John B. is her best friend and as he pulls her closer and ruffles her hair the way an annoying brother would, her heart aches for all the time she’s missed by her own stupid decisions.

“Missed you too.”

It’s freaky how sometimes you can fall back into a friendship so easily as if you were never separated. Not by time and not by distance.

John B. holds so many of her memories that not loving him is not an option at this point and she thanks whatever higher power someone might choose to believe in, that he has forgiven her. Or maybe he understands. Maybe he gets it like he always used to do. No words needed.

He deserves an apology though. But not here. Not with so many people around. Some conversations are meant for quiet places and quiet hearts.

“The others here too?”

She tries to be nonchalant, suave, like it doesn’t matter. It does though. It makes all the difference.

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you’ve missed someone until you’re comforted with the memories of times long gone. And then your heart starts yearning.

“Uh, just Sarah. Kie is helping out at the Wreck while she’s here for the summer. Pope just got back earlier today so he’s hanging with the parents. ”

He doesn’t mention the one person left of their little friend group. She wonders if it’s out of bitterness towards her or if he’s worried it’ll hurt her feelings.

She knows asking him will be painful and that maybe she won’t like the answer but sometimes it is easier to break your own heart than have it slowly crumble from what-ifs and made-up scenarios.

“What about JJ?”

“He’s uh - he’s working late today.”

“JJ is working late? Where’s he working at?”

“The shack.”

“The shack? You say that like I’m supposed to know what that is.”

John B. lets out a chuckle. “When my dad passed away I received a bit of money. JJ and I bought the shack by the beach and turned it into a place to rent boards and get surf lessons and stuff like that. We’re trying to focus on providing a space for the youth of the island, give them something to do, a perspective.”

“Something we never had.”

“Yeah. Well some of us.”

She can tell by his eyes that he doesn’t speak the words in resentment, they’re just nostalgia-clouded truth.

“He had a graduation thing for one of his classes tonight so they went out and had a little ceremony to get their certificates. He’ll be around later though, we’re meeting up at the wreck later.”

“I’m proud of you, John. I really am. Tell the pogues I said hi.”

“Tell ‘em yourself! You’re obviously coming.”

He says it as if it’s a given. As if it doesn’t come with years of missed calls and painful memories.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Fuck that, Stevie. We all missed you. Yeah, Kie might be a bit salty but just cuddle up to her a little and she’ll forgive you. She missed you. We all did.”

“Not all of you.”

John B. doesn’t reply. Really she doesn’t know what she expects him to say either. He wasn’t there. Not for the meltdown, the big explosion. He was there to see the rubble and the ruins. All the shattered parts of their relationship.

Years of love scattered across a battlefield like casualties of a war neither she nor JJ knew they were fighting.

“That’s not true. It’s been years. He misses you too. He loved you, Stevie. That doesn’t just go away because of a fight.”

“That wasn’t a fight, that was a fucking nightmare.”

He scoffs at her words and finishes his beer “Still, he missed you. And anyway, I want to hang out. If nothing else, you owe me that.”

And he knows he’s got a point, judging by the smirk playing on his face. She could never say no to John B. especially not when he pulled out the puppy dog eyes.

“Okay yeah, I’ll come. For you!”

“Yeah alright, I can live with that.”

The Wreck feels like home.

Stepping into the place feels like stepping back into a past she thought she had forgotten a while ago.

Music plays softly in the background as the laughter of her friends echoes through the halls.

My god, how much she’s missed them all.

She spots them before they catch sight of her. Pope is sat by the counter, while JJ leans next to him looking so effortlessly cool.

He hasn’t changed all that much in the last few years. His messy hair is still the same shade of sunny golden blond and it still sticks up all over the place. His tanned arms still send a shiver through her.

And his laugh? His laugh still makes her heart skip a beat or two. Show wonders if that will ever change.

Maybe that’s the thing about giving your heart to someone else, they never give all of it back. A little part will always be theirs.

Sarah and John B. Step in first, greeting their friends with warm words and tight hugs. It’s been a while for them too since they’ve all been together.

Something about this feels so awfully familiar and yet like it happened to someone else, a long long time ago.

“ No fucking way!”

It’s Pope who spots her first. A wide grin takes over his face as he runs up to her and pulls her into a tight hug. Maybe, she thinks, her friends are more forgiving than she has given them credit for.

“Surprise, we brought a friend!” Sarah exclaims and throws her arms up in celebration.

As Pope pulls away, another pair of arms wrap around her. Big and tight and familiar. So warm. Like home.

He smells like the ocean and sunscreen and a little bit like smoke. And she doesn’t want to let go. Even with everything that happened, his arms feel like the most comforting place in the entire world. Like this is the only place where time stopped and she is still 18 and in love.

It’s terrifying.

It’s wonderful.

She knows things are not going back to how they used to be. She knows this doesn’t fix what has been broken. But for a small moment, she lets herself relish in memories of how it used to be.

“Missed you, sunshine,” he murmurs. His voice is missing the familiar honey glaze that always seemed to swing along with his words. She misses it but what did she expect? It’s still nice to hear him speak.

“I missed you too, Bree.”

And she really did. The blue of his eyes that rivals the sky on its most sunny day. The dimple in his cheek that gives him a sense of mischief and innocence both at the same time. His stupid messy hair and his smile and his laugh and the way he’d touch her side to show her he’s there without saying a single word.

But as she looks at him, when he pulls away, she’s also looking into the eyes of the boy who broke her heart forever. Yeah, she may have been able to reassemble it, but the cracks are still there. Bandaged and glued but never back to how it used to be.

The friends all gather around the table by the window, all other customers long gone and the place closed up for anyone other than the group.

They ask her questions, enquire about her life and talk about theirs as they all sip from their beers and stuff their faces with greasy delicious leftovers from today’s menu.

Well … most of them.

Kie hasn’t said a single word to her since Stevie stepped into the Wreck. She’s stood by the counter, washing and drying dishes and trying desperately to avoid eye contact with Stevie.

Stevie’s heart feels heavy. Like an anchor has been wrapped around it and thrown into the sea. She knows cutting Kie out of her life was a shitty thing to do. Kie didn’t deserve that. None of them did. JJ’s actions broke her, not those of her friends.

Stevie knows she fucked up and though all she did came from a place of self-preservation and pain, it doesn’t make it any better

“Hey Turtle,” the blonde approaches Kie, eyes sad and hands shaking slightly from anxiety. She knows Kie has every right to deny her any reaction. To not accept her apology. She just doesn’t know if she can take the rejection.

“What are you doing here?” Kie asks, eyes still trained on the dishes, words sharp and cold like the sun on a winter morning.

“My mom is getting married this summer. I’m back to help her with the preparations and shit.”

“That’s right. Saw them move her stuff out of your old house and onto figure 8. Big ass house you’ve got now.”

“Mmh. Yeah, it’s pretty grand. ”

“Must be nice. Fuck off for 4 years and come back to a palace.”

It’s like a dagger straight to the chest. Kie knows and Stevie knows that it was deliberate. The words were meant to sting. Meant to hurt. But if it means Kie will get her anger out and maybe think about forgiving her, Stevie will take it.

“Kie, I’m sorry.”

“For what? Leaving and not even saying goodbye? Turning JJ into a mess for a while? Not ever texting or calling or anything even though we’ve been friends since forever? What exactly are you sorry about, Stephanie?”

“Oooh hitting me with the whole name? Look Kie, I’m sorry about everything. What I did sucked. That was horrible and you guys didn’t deserve that. I should’ve stayed in contact and I wish I did.”

“Then why didn’t you? What happened with JJ and you that was so bad you forgot about us?”

Their mess is no one’s business but their own. She doesn’t want to talk about it, the wound might not be open anymore but the scar still burns. It’s something she needs to discuss with JJ first before anyone else. If anything.

“Look Kie, it doesn’t matter. But I need you to know that I never forgot about you. I kept up with everything you did and I am so proud. Every fundraiser you set up I donated to. Every petition I signed. I buy every magazine or newspaper that talks about your nature conservation efforts, multiple times. Fuck, I even made a fake insta to follow you. I never forgot about you. Ever.”

Tears are shining in Kie’s eyes as she places the wet plate down and looks up at her blond friend for the first time in 4 years.

“You’re a real bitch, you know that.”

“Yeaaah. I know that. You think you can forgive me anyway?”

“I think I can be persuaded if you promise me an entire day, just us. No boys. No drama.”

“I think I can do that.”

And just like that she’s wrapped up in the arms of her best friend and life feels a little more right again. She feels a little more like herself again.

The night is filled with laughter and nostalgia. A picture of what should be. A snapshot of what is. For one sweet moment, one fleeting night.

Things won’t stay this way forever. The end is looming just around the corner.

But for now, they can let their hearts rest and relish in the glow of an infinite summer.

The air inside the car is thick with words unspoken and feelings that still brew beneath the surface. Never really forgotten. Always there.

JJ asked to drive her home and though she told him there was no need, he insisted.

“I like your new car,” Stevie exclaims. She thinks her voice sounds strained and awkward but maybe that’s just her nerves speaking. Lulling lies in her ears.

“Thanks. Was a pile of rust when I bought it. Used the money I earned from the Shack to build it back up.”

He smiles with a pride she’s not used to seeing in him. Sure, he always had an ego and a big mouth but most of his pride was but a shield to shelter him from pain. Being vulnerable was not an option to him back then. Not when your own home is a battlefield.

“That’s so cool. John B. told me about the Shack. That’s amazing, JJ. So proud of you.”

“Yeah,” he says and shrugs his shoulders, eyes trained on the road before them, “ thought since you went out and made something of yourself I should try and do the same.”

“JJ, I know you never liked me saying it, but I’ve always been proud of you.”

He doesn’t say anything. He never liked talking about his insecurities and the feelings he tried to shove to the furthest, darkest corner of his heart.

“You don’t have to say anything. Just wanted you to know that.”

They continue driving for a few more minutes in a silence that is tiptoeing on the rope between comfortable and awkward. The one that comes with having known someone so well, so intimately, and then not having talked for a long time. What if the boy she used to love isn’t there anymore. What if this is a stranger?

Judging by the tiny smile pulling at the corners of his lips, the boy she knew is still in there somewhere. Hidden and changed but not entirely gone.

“Holy shit,” JJ exclaims as they pull up to the house. “That’s a fancy-ass place, Stevie.”

“Full kook.”

“Hell yeah.”

Her heart grows heavy as her mind reminds her of something. A little Manila envelope. One that doesn’t weigh anything really but metaphorically it weighs as much as the entire fucking world.

Maybe she can become the kind of person to rip the band-aid off. A band-aid that’s been there for 4 years already. Maybe once it’s off, the scar won’t be so noticeable, so prominent, so painful still.

“JJ um - can you wait here for a second. I got something I need to give you.”

“I - yeah sure. No biggie.”

She nods, words forsaking her as her heart beats too fast, too loud and her tongue feels as heavy as lead.

Not once do her hands stop shaking as she makes her way to what’s her room at the moment, pulls the envelope from her suitcase, and rushes back down towards JJ.

This might kill their summer. Their friendship as it is being rebuilt. This might change everything. But things have been broken ever since that night 4 years ago. Ever since he chose to do what he did.

“Here you go.”

Her voice is timid, hardly more than a whisper as she hands him the envelope through the open car window.

JJ regards it with confusion and uncertainty clouding his beautiful blue eyes. “What’s that?”

“Take one big breath. Just one. And then face your life, all of it. As the waves try to pull you under.” Her mantra from earlier in the day ghosts through her head.

And so she takes a breath. And looks up at him. And speaks.

“JJ, they’re our divorce papers.”