#lets face it
[At Disneyland on the teacup ride]
Remus, Molly and Kingsley: *spinning calmly, enjoying their ride in peace*
Sirius, Arthur and Tonks:*flying past them, spinning as fast as they can, screaming*
I have decided that my only true Star Wars headcanons are those I developed when I was seven years old and watched the original trilogy via grainy VHS tapes of poorly-cropped TV edits.
To wit:
- Darth Vader is not a human in a suit. He is a beetle-like alien and his “armor” is his natural exoskeleton. (Except for the cape. The cape is because he is also a vampire.) This makes it much more startling that he is Luke’s father. When Luke takes Vader’s helmet off at the end, he looks all gross underneath and dies shortly thereafter because this is basically like taking a turtle out of its shell.
- The Emperor is not a deformed human named Sheev Palpatine or Darth Sidiuous. He is another species of alien who naturally looks that way, and his only name is The Emperor.
- Han is an alien too. You can tell because he has a vest.
- Stormtroopers are not clones or even really intensively trained; it’s just a uniform and a job title. The reason they don’t fight very effectively is because they’re basically suburban cops; until the Battle of Yavin, they spent their time doing space DUI checkpoints and space noise complaints, not dealing with armed rebellion.
- Yoda is a native of Dagobah and has been living there in his swamp for all 900 of his years. He developed all his wisdom and Force powers because living in a swamp that long makes you philosophical. Obi-Wan Kenobi knows him because he came to Dagobah to train with Yoda the same way Luke did. Dagobah Boot Camp is a routine step in Jedi training.
- Leia having Force powers means that she’s going to become a Jedi after the series ends. Like full-on she’s going to get a lightsaber and a robe and do flipkicks. At some point she’s going to Dagobah to train with one of Yoda’s colleagues. (There’s loads of Jedi-trainer-Kermits all over that planet and Yoda is just the one Luke happened to get referred to.)
- After the second Death Star gets blown up, this really does bring lasting peace to the galaxy and all the planets return to being locally governed and all the Rebels make themselves a new home on Endor and spend the rest of their lives relaxing and having fun. Sometimes stories can just have happy endings.
