#phaedra
Books I’ve read in 2021: ’Pandora’s Jar’ by Natalie Haynes | Myths and Legends | 5/5
“What Pandora brings to mortals is complexity. And that is true of all the women in this book […] Their stories should be read, seen, heard in all their difficult, messy, murderous detail. They aren’t simple because nothing interesting is simple.“
The poppy that my heart was,
formed to blind all mortals,
made to strike and gather hearts
like flame upon an altar,
fades and shrinks, a red leaf
drenched and torn in the cold rain.
‘Phaedra’,Hymen, H.D. (Hilda Doolittle)
(1921)
A/N: Phaedra piece for @disneyvamps I hope it’s like you imagined! I tried my best.
People who see this probably don’t have the TW’s (Suicide) tagged, but I still advice viewer discression. Phaedra’s story is not a light one and I stuck to the source material. Nothing physical happens between her and Hippolytus.
For I am not a weapon to be wielded
When Theseus first told me of Hippolytus, I was outraged. After having left my sister to rot and taken me as his bride instead, after leaving time after time to hunt for even more fame and glory, after welcoming him in my arms when he came back regardless, I still wasn’t enough for him. He needed yet another poor woman to satisfy his needs.
I composed myself, knowing that Hippolytus couldn’t do anything about it. I was his stepmother and I should act like it. Stewing in rage never made anything better.
When I met him, he told me he was named after his mother Hippolyta, queen of the Amazons. You could see which parent raised him. He was strong, kind, respectful, and everything else Theseus wasn’t. Except for stubborn. From day one, I could see he was incredibly stubborn.
I tried to tell myself the reason I kept visiting him was because he was like the child I never had, but after a few months, I had to admit that that wasn’t it. I felt sick to my stomach the first time I let myself think that I could be in love with him. A stepmother falling in love with her stepson was unheard of, and the gods would never let it go unpunished.
I couldn’t control myself. I had to go back time and time again. When I didn’t, I couldn’t sleep, my head spinning with thoughts of him. If I got so exhausted I did sleep, I would see his face in my dreams.
The day he went away with Artemis I was equal parts distraught and euphoric. It meant he was unavailable. The comfort that gave me lasted only a few days, before the restless nights began again.
When Hippolytus came back for a visit, he brought with him the rumour that Theseus had upset Aphrodite. Apparently, he never brought her the correct sacrifices after she handed him the key to defeating the minotaur. I immediately understood that it must have been the goddess who made my sister fall in love with Theseus. What took longer was the realisation that maybe, just maybe, the same goddess was now influencing me. Except I wasn’t a tool to help Theseus. I was a weapon to punish him.
Hippolytus took his vow to Artemis in front of the whole court. Theseus took personal offense to it. He called his son a traitor, a bastard, an ungrateful child who didn’t know what he was doing. He whined about needing someone to continue the family line. At this point, I had grown numb to his endless begging for heirs.
It ended with a fight. A huge fight. Maybe it was all of the emotions, perhaps love saw her chance, but my desire rose too. I cursed Aphrodite, both silently and out loud, but a reaction didn’t come.
Running to Hippolytus’ room with the intent of begging him to take me away and marry somewhere far from Athens was an impulsive decision. Stopping right before I threw open the door wasn’t.
If I went in, I would give Theseus the punishment that I was intended to give him. The punishment of being shamed before the whole world by not just an unruly son, but an unchaste wife, too.
Being the good string puppet someone up above intended me to be was the last thing I wanted.
It physically hurt to take my hand away from the door, but I did it. My mother, my brother, my sister. They had all been pawns in a greater scheme. I, as the only one still left, would be the one to cut our strings.
I began to whisper while I walked down the hallways: ‘I, Phaedra of Crete, daughter of Pasiphae and sister of Ariadne and Asterion, won’t be a punishment.’ Was it praying if I was disobeying the gods? It felt like praying. ‘I won’t beg Hippolytus to marry me. I won’t be lusting after him anymore. It isn’t what I want, it’s what I am ordered to do.’ I began walking to the side exit of the palace, the one that led to the sea. ‘I won’t allow anyone to control my family any longer.’ You wouldn’t survive a drop into the sea from this point, was one of the first things I got told when I came to Athens. ‘For I am not a weapon to be wielded.’ I’d get to see if whoever said it was right.
|
Ariadne sat down on the dock, her shoulders hanging. Quietly standing behind her were Artemis and Dionysus. ‘I need to do the rites. Somehow. She must get a chance of getting into the Underworld.’
Dionysus laid his hand on her shoulder. ‘She will get more than a chance.’
Ariadne nodded absentmindedly. ‘I think she might have seen it as the only exit from Aphrodite,’ she whispered. ‘Which…’ she clasped her hands in front of her face. ‘I felt the same way. I thought of it a few times, and so did my mother. We just never pushed through.’ Ariadne began to cry, glad that the tears made their way out. ‘We need to make sure Theseus doesn’t freak out. He might start a hunt for… I wouldn’t know, but he’ll use someone as a scapegoat. That’s all he ever did.’ The silence of the gods almost made her break. ‘So he already did.’
There came no apology, no defense. Just a silent confirmation. ‘Then let me pray it’ll be over soon.’
|
I find a coin and am allowed to cross the Styx, even though I have no idea how or why. The thought of the other side scares me, but I can’t hang out on the banks forever. So I go.
It isn’t much different than the journey from Crete to Athens, anyway.
Something tells me I don’t have to be afraid. I don’t know whether to trust the feeling or not. I am, after all, a shame to everyone who knows me. The Fields of Punishment is the only thing I expect to get.
No matter what awaits me on the other side, at least I am not a pawn in someone’s strategy anymore. For someone in the clutches of death, I have never felt more free.
A/N: I think Phaedra could be infertile. She and Theseus never had children as far as I know. Which, that’s strange in greek mythology, where every couple who touched hands had a baby.
It didn’t really fit in the text, but I like to think that in this version, Hippolytus understands how the gods are involved.
Originally, the first line was going to be ‘I don’t even blame Aphrodite for what happened.’ It was a killer line, but I couldn’t do anything else with it through out the story.
Get help if you’ve got suicidal thoughts. Tagging a masterpost of hotlines right here. It’s not a joke.
I’m in love with this!!!
Anthony Perkins, Melina Mercouri, and director Jules Dassin. Phaedra (1962)
