Reciprocate III: The After

Reciprocate[ 1: Raven ,2 : Damian] 

Reciprocate 2021 Version[1: Raven,2: Damian]

~.~.~.~.~.

It took two years and almost a half for Raven to finally wake up from her coma. When she woke up her first reaction was to freak out. She jumped off her bed thinking that she had to go somewhere. 

 But Raven didn’t recall where she ought to go and what it was she had to do. 

 She knocked over a vase of flowers when her feet gave way and she was confused  as to why her legs felt like jelly. 

 She knew however that she had to check her surroundings and her current state. She was fortunate enough to not have injured herself with the shards of porcelain on the floor. She held onto her bed weakly, knowing that she had to go somewhere– but where?

“Raven!” A man had called out as he burst into the room banging the door loudly. She looked up at him with no recognition but the name he uttered was familiar to Raven however she couldn’t figure out why. 

The tone in his voice was filled with so much worry that she could not help but feel anxious too.

She observed him quickly scan the room until his eyes finally met hers. She was mesmerized by his green eyes and a strong sense of familiarity hit her. 

His uneasy state was greatly calmed when he saw her. When he sighed, she did too, and she shared the relief he felt too. He slowly approached her with a gentle expression as she remained on her spot, greatly leaning on her bed for support.

“Raven.” He whispered when he was two feet away and she realized that she was Raven– that was why the name was familiar. 

It was her name.

He picked her up and carried her in his arms and even though she did not know him, she wrapped her arms around his neck. She was at peace in his embrace– in his presence, she felt safe. And she did not make a fuss even when she didn’t know the identity of this man.

The strong sense of need then engulfed her, there was a name at the tip of her tongue that she felt she had to call out.

She struggled to form the word and then, “Damian.” She whispered as she squeezed him and sighed in relief. He had not corrected her so he must be Damian and she felt at peace knowing this.

She rested her forehead on his shoulder, as he carried her back to her bed. He set her down gently as he pulled away. She grabbed his right hand as she sat up as she studied their hands.

“It feels so perfect.” She gently told him, and Damian was startled by her words. A smile slowly formed on his lips and he found himself chuckling. And she found herself enamored by his soft laughter as a faint flutter settled in her chest. A strong sense of knowing came to her: that this man rarely smiled or laughed.

“I’ve been here almost every day, holding your hand. Maybe your hand molded into mine—” He shook his head in disbelief. “Or maybe the other way around.” Hearing his words ignited her anxiousness. 

What did that mean? How long has she been unconscious? And more importantly, who was he to her?

It occurred to her that there was nothing but blankness in her mind. These questions she couldn’t answer. She didn’t even know anything about herself. 

Why couldn’t she remember anything about anything?

Even so, Raven knew she had to at least try and stay calm.

“I—my memory is kind of fuzzy,” Raven said as she laid back in bed as she tried to calm her nerves simultaneously, but the realization that she didn’t recall anything bothered her. However, this man, named Damian, gave her a calmness that was indescribable. 

She knew him somehow. She trusted him without a doubt, even when she wasn’t sure of her name a moment ago– she knew she could trust him.

“But I know you, I remember you.” Raven continued on as she connected the dots that were vaguely on her mind. “I heard you so often, it became so scary when you weren’t there.” She knew him, she finally recalled, his voice that haunted her and the fear she felt when he said he would let her go. 

She did not want him to let her go, she recalled her dread and she clenched his hand. 

Aside from him, she was uncertain about everything else, and she was afraid to know the reasons and the hows or what, but she found herself drifting into sleep. 

Raven wanted to fight the drowsiness because she was so aware that she had just woken up, but there was a part of her that wanted to go back to sleep. If she woke up and he wasn’t there at least she can pretend that this encounter was just a dream, at least then it would hurt less. She held his hand tightly until she fully fell into slumber, to which her grip finally loosened.

Damian took the opportunity of Raven falling asleep to call the doctors and scientists to inform them of her recent development.

When Raven awoke again, she was afraid, even more than when she had awoken earlier that day. She was afraid that the one she called Damian would have really left her like he had said before. Those words that haunted her dreams for who knew how long she was asleep.

“I have decided. I am moving on– I am letting you go.” Those were the words that kept ringing in her head. The fear that came felt like an assault on her soul. It was unwelcomed and it hurt, but she did not know where to find solace.

When the thought of Damian not being there with her crossed her mind, the fear felt like it was about to burst out of her. Even Raven, with her non-existent memory, could tell that her fear was more than just hearing him tell her that he can’t wait for her any longer. It was like she couldn’t breathe even though the air was just there. She could feel that the fear was very deeply rooted into her and she wondered why it is so, why or what could have caused this suffocating feeling.  

What caused this fear to be this strong that it felt like he was life itself?

She jolted up on her bed, ready to jump out to look for him, but then she saw Damian and a tear slipped down her right cheek as a loud exhale escaped her lips. She found herself breathing again, as if the fear of losing him never attacked her in the first place.

It was like air was given back to her lungs, and life was given meaning.

Damian was talking to a doctor and a scientist, but to Raven she thought that he was talking to two doctors in a lab coat. Seeing strangers made her nervous. She started to breathe heavily and with Damian’s sharp hearing, he turned to her instantly and with long strides was already by her side.

“I’m right here.” He told her as he touched her shaking hand and she grabbed his hand with strength she didn’t know she possessed.

“Who are they? What do they want?” She asked giving him a death grip. Damian was surprised by her reaction and tried to soothe her in a gentle tone.

“Raven,” He looked at the doctor and scientist. “They are the head of their department that helped me keep you safe.” He continued on but he noticed the confused look she had on her face when he said head of their departments. 

Raven opened her lips but Damian cut her off, “It’s best if I don’t explain to you your medical history, it would only cause you stress.” He cupped her cheek and caressed her face gently, wiping the stray tear away.

“I– I understand.” She replied as she glanced at the two people in their lab coats. They looked at her like she was some kind of miracle but mostly like a specimen. It was another question added to her list: Why did they look at her like that?

“You two may leave, I will contact you later.” Damian ordered in a soft manner as he glanced at the two in lab coats. His tone was controlled to not freak Raven out. 

The pair look at one another for a moment and then, “We understand.” One said and they left quietly.

“See, those people are completely harmless.” Damian said, turning around to look at Raven like coaxing a child, but he was surprised to see her teary eyes. He couldn’t help but suck his bottom lip inside his mouth as he tried to look as neutral as he could, but he was suddenly wrapped in her embrace, her small back shaking. 

“Everything is fine.” He told her as he slowly wrapped his arms around her. Raven suddenly burst into sobs.

“I thought you were gone!” She wept, hugging him as tightly as she could in terror as she caved in. Hearing this, Damian felt his heart ache and the next second he was convincing himself not to keep his hopes up.

“I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” He comforted her in a low voice and she froze. She pulled away to look at him, staring directly into his green eyes as if seeing right through him.

“You said that too, I heard you. But– but–” A tear slipped down her eyes as she blinked. “You then said you were going to leave me.” The words barely got out of her mouth, as her lower lip quivered. Raven found that she could not hug him again, instead she buried her face into her hands as she wept. “You promised.”

He was frozen hearing this, he heard her? How long had she heard him? Did she hear everything?

“I–” He shakily said but Raven cut him off.

“Don’t lie to me!” She glanced up quickly at him and then sobbed back into her hands.

“No. I wasn’t going to lie.” He said and she stopped crying and looked up at him with doubtful eyes. He cupped her face in a solemn expression. “I just– I couldn’t see you like that anymore.” 

She wondered if he was lying, and he wondered the same too. Raven silently gave him another hug as she silently cried. After minutes passed, Raven finally stopped crying, but he continued to hold her for a few more minutes before pulling away.

“You need to gather strength, you need to eat a lot, and train your legs.” He told her in his best soothing voice while wiping away her tears and caressing her face. He wondered if this would be the first and only time he could hold her and touch her in such a manner. 

She nodded profusely in response. “Okay.” She agreed instantly.

“Okay,” He said as he stood up and she looked at him with slight fear. “I’m going to get a damp washcloth to put over your eyes.” He said in the same tone he had been using this whole time– gentle, tender, caring and perhaps even loving.

“Alright.” She said with a small nod and pressed lips as she slowly lay down in bed. He nodded at her and slowly left the room. She kept her eyes on him until he was out of sight and kept her gaze by the door waiting for his return. She patiently waited even though her anxiousness was growing louder as his absence grew longer. 

When Damian finally returned she sighed at the instance she saw him. He had a bowl with water and a face towel inside soaking in the water.

A thought crossed her mind, Raven felt like she was the cloth and Damian was the water, she couldn’t but absorb him into her and want to keep him with her, the basin ensuring that the two will always be together.

“Relax, I’ll be here unless you tell me to leave.” He sat down on the chair beside her bed and she frowned at what he said. “I’m sorry, I’ll be here, always.” He corrected himself and she nodded firmly, closing her eyes. Damian takes that as a gesture that he may place the cloth over her eyes. He twisted the cloth in order for the excess water to leave it, and she placed the damp cloth over her eyes.

He looked at her with grief, certain this time would pass as she was merely just confused. She didn’t actually need him, Raven will surely find Garfield again.

The next day came and when Damian went inside her room Raven was already awake on her bed. Her head turned towards the door and their eyes instantly met.

“You’re already awake.” Damian was surprised as it was still quite early in the morning. In fact, the sun had just risen a few minutes ago. 

When she saw him, her eyes watered and he came running to her side.

“What’s wrong? Are you in pain? Should I–” He turned around ready to call a nurse, but a cold hand over his hand stopped him. His head spun to look at Raven with an ashen expression and Raven wiped away her stray tears with her free hand.

“I just wanted you here.” She confessed in what was barely a whisper. Hearing that made Damian kneel before her as he clenched her hand and brought it to his forehead which was lowered. This had been a habit he had developed over the years he spent waiting for Raven to awaken.

“I’m sorry.” He apologized as a tear slipped away from his eye. “I–”

“You’re not going to leave me, right?” Raven’s voice broke as she asked but she still held onto her resolve to look strong. He looked up at her with green eyes that held terror at the thought. She thought that this was an image she never knew he would show, and yet she was uncertain why she thought so.

“I swear Raven, I will be here throughout your recovery. No matter what.” Damian swore tears pooling in his eyes. She withdrew the hand against his forehead and reached out to his temple, he closed his eyes as she brushed her thumb gently under his eye.

“I will hold you to that.” She replied, pulling her hand away.

“I can’t tell you how you got this way– I can tell you your medical condition– granted not in full, in order not to add stress to you.” He said his tone back to a gentleness she was certain wasn’t his norm. 

Raven placed her hand over his again and nodded in understanding. Even if something was telling her this wasn’t how he normally acted, she still embraced it, maybe only because it was only for her that he was acting like this and no one else. And she kind of hoped that this version of him was indeed only for her, even if it was a selfish thought.

“Okay, so good news is: because of your magical origin you didn’t really lose weight. In fact, because of your magic you were able to survive.” Damian noticed the confused look on her face, and he found himself rather alarmed. 

“What is your latest memory Raven?” His tone on edge, she just looked at him blankly and then eventually frowned.

“I don’t– I don’t recall anything.” She replied and Damian inhaled a sharp breath.

“Yesterday was the same?” Damian tried to confirm even though he did not want to know the answer and she nodded in reply.

“It’s just a blank haze.” Raven mumbled with a frown. 

“Okay, okay– no it is fine, okay?” Damian mumbled although his eyes were shifty. Raven squeezed his hand to try and calm him and reassure him. It was odd how she naturally wanted to comfort him over anything else– over the fact that she has known since she had awaken– that she knew nothing at all.

“I’m in no rush to get my memories– as long as– that is, you are here.” Raven looked at him with calm ease. But his expression did not look pleasant, and a blanket of fear settled over her heart. “I realize– I don’t know how we are related– you must have someone–” The tension in her voice was stifling and Damian immediately cupped both her cheeks forcing her to look at him, making her forget her unreasonable fears.

But were they really unreasonable?

“There is no one else I’d rather be with than with you.” Damian said, leaning his forehead against hers, and she sighed as she closed her eyes, cupping his cheeks in return. She didn’t want to break the silence, and she felt– she was certain he felt the exact same way. Raven couldn’t explain why she knew that but they bask at the silence and their warmth for as long as time would allow.

He told her that she was special and in an almost round-about manner that she was related to a powerful being, whose name and identity shall be omitted to ensure she will not be overwhelmed. And because of this entity, she was born with magic which then aided her rather impossible recovery. If she wasn’t this special, he feared the worst, and Raven knew what that meant.

She could have died.

 ~.~.~.~.~

 Almost two weeks had passed and Raven was utterly frustrated. She wanted to remember something– anything. She wanted so desperately to know him.She couldn’t sleep because of it.

“I know you are having a hard time remembering, so I understand why you are restless in an unfamiliar place, but you need to get some rest.” Damian urged Raven quietly with arms crossed. She looked at him with furrowed brows, she was on her hospital bed that was elevated for her to sit.

“Haven’t I rested enough?” She wondered aloud and he shook his head.

 “You know that is not what I mean.” He replied to her.

 “I just can’t sleep.” Raven confessed in a quiet voice as her eyes dodge around the white walls anxiously.

 Damian took a step closer to her, “Why?” He asked in a gentle manner and her eyes fell on him. The gentleness in his voice is almost associating to his default tone– almost.

 “I’m afraid.” She replied with watery eyes, and her hands started to shake a little. He couldn’t help but press his lips, he did not know what to say. He was supposed to show her how firm he could be but he could see that she had become weary because of exhaustion.

 “Why?” He simply asked as if talking to a child, and she suddenly held onto his wrists.

 “What if, when I wake you’re not here?” She said nervously, her eyes darting to the door momentarily. In fact, she would refuse to eat some meals if she had not seen him for the day.

 “I already don’t know much about you.” Raven looked back at him, her eyes visibly shaking. “What if– what if–” Her stare seemed to unfocus behind him which worried Damian.

 “What if I wake up and I don’t remember what little I know about you?” Her violet eyes suddenly looked at his green eyes which startled him. The fear and the distant gaze made his heart ache and made him equally worry. “I already don’t know anything about you.” Her breathing became ragged and he felt guilty.

 “But what if you remember?” He asked simply in a soft voice as he looked down, he did not want to acknowledge it, but it had to be said.  

 Suddenly Raven held his shoulders and was so close to his face that he was left startled again. Her eyes filled with terror that Damian almost mirrored the same thing.

 “What if I don’t like what I remember?” She asked as she exhaled in an almost wheezing manner. Damian’s heart sank hearing her words. 

 “But– what if you do?” He heard himself barely whisper. He was certain that the first thing she would remember was Garfield and all the happy memories they shared. He had not thought of Garfield in the past weeks, but it made him realize how he had to tell Garfield that Raven was now awake. 

 Damian looked at her with the most indifferent expression he could muster, and cupped her cheek and sighed. But the indifference in his face made her scared. He had told Dick not to tell anyone she was awake for now, as to not have any visitors that could overwhelm Raven, but it is probably time to introduce her to other people. 

 “You know, I think if I introduce you to people you knew before the accident, it can help you.” Damian said slowly, not even looking at her face. Raven’s eyes widened in sheer terror, and her shaking hand reached out to Damian’s jaw to make him look at her. She couldn’t even make him turn his head to her because she had no strength in her body left at his suggestion.

 “Please, don’t make me.” Tears fell down her cheeks as her voice broke. Looking at her like this made Damian feel a different kind of guilt that stayed heavy on his heart. 

 “Okay, okay, okay.” Damian scooped her up into his arms. “I won’t force you.” He comforted her as he rubbed her back. She wept for a few more minutes and then pulled away.

 “But you have to promise me that you will try and get proper rest.” Damian added gently and she pouted. 

 “If you sleep with me.” She replied in a serious tone, but the words shocked Damian to his core, he almost wavered and gave in to her request. Damian knew he shouldn’t.

 He sat there frozen, which made Raven frown. “I can’t do that.” He said standing up, his tone uninviting as he turned his back against her. Raven pressed her lips but did not try to persuade him. She laid back down on her bed, and stared at his back.

 “Fine.” She agreed silently. “I don’t want visitors yet.” She added in a slightly louder tone as she observed Damian nod his head.

 “Let’s just focus on your recovery first then.” Damian turned around to look at her again, but this time with a smile and Raven felt that she had no choice but to pretend to not be hurt at that moment.

~.~.~.~.~

The days passed which then turned to weeks, the doctors and the scientists were surprised with her incredible recovery. 

 In less than two weeks Raven had already found strength in her legs to hold her body. She was still frail, but she could walk a couple steps, albeit with trouble. However, they attributed her speedy recovery from her origins, her magic that she must have been unconsciously using all this time.

Damian had once mentioned to Raven that she could heal herself and be back to normal in a matter of seconds. But her response, which also frightened him, put a stop to any attempts of convincing her to heal herself– Raven simply said she didn’t know how to.

Damian’s heart ached at the implication of Raven not knowing how to do something she was currently unconsciously doing. It could mean she was never using her magic to heal herself, and surviving or waking up was sheer luck. Or perhaps she won in the gene lottery because of her father. If it wasn’t magic that got her this far, perhaps the different composition of her father’s blood in her had helped her somehow. And if that was the case, it would still boil down to sheer luck for Raven to live this long.

The implication was something that he hated. 

Luck was intangible and as untrustworthy as his own mother. If luck was the reason Raven was still here, then he was so close to losing her for all eternity. This was something he could not accept.

“I don’t understand why she can’t recall anything.” Damian asked from outside Raven’s room. Raven was leaning against the wall by her bedroom door. She had initially wanted to go out to meet him, but his worried voice from outside just made her pressed her lips instead. 

Raven felt bad that she couldn’t remember anything, but she also liked the pace she and Damian had. There was a fondness in the fact that their moments together were completely theirs and no one else’s, Raven purely enjoyed this.

“We theorize she doesn’t want to remember.” A voice replied which she recognized as the head scientist.

“Well, aside from obvious trauma.” The doctor added and she pressed her lips again. Raven decided she did not need to hear what they had to say next, as she slowly walked across the room, lost in her thoughts.

“I can’t make these kinds of decisions for her.” Damian had said in a faintly pained voice. 

The door to Raven’s room is eventually opened by Damian as he walks in quietly. Raven was standing by her window as she gazed at the lawn outside. 

“Raven, when did you wake up?” He asked her, the pain in his voice gone and was replaced with a stifling gentleness that she recognized as unfamiliar and yet that was how he had been talking to her since she woke up– gentle, tender, caring and almost so very, very loving.

“It’s odd…” She mumbled, looking out the window and then glanced at the windowsill. “ I am certain you normally don’t talk in such a manner.” She brushed her fingers on the windowsill as she heard footsteps go to her. He stopped a little behind her, and she shifted her gaze out the window again. 

“And yet, I have no memory to supplement–” She raised her hands and gazed at her palms. “This knowledge.” Damian looked down on the ground unsure on how to comfort her or reassure her without having to lie. 

“I just know… you’re not this gentle– but–” She turned to look at him. “I also feel that you are only ever gentle with me.” Raven noted his fluttering eyes which then quickly avoided her, she cupped his cheek making him look at her.

“You still refuse to tell me what we really are to each other.” She said, and she noted how he closed his eyes.

He sighed, “I don’t think you’d want to know.” Was his reply as he slowly opened his eyes to look at her. “We are–”

“I believe you.” She cut him off in a firm but gentle tone. She didn’t want to know, but she wanted to live in this moment. “I believe you’re right when you say that I don’t want to know.”

Raven’s gaze at him was patient and unhurried, she didn’t want to know especially when he said she wouldn’t want to. She smiled at him softly and he stared back at her, hiding the pain he felt. 

Damian concluded that he couldn’t get lost in this moment because when the bubble burst– when she recalls, he knew who she would run to first and it was obviously– it couldn’t be– him. No matter the small hints dropped, Damian had to believe it was unintended because she was merely confused with the missing memories.

He will endure this pain until she chooses Garfield all over again. It was always Garfield– it was never him.

 ~.~.~.~.~

 A few weeks passed by and Raven was finally walking without a problem, she had ventured through the villa and knew every room as if it was her home. Damian had just convinced Raven to take walks outside the villa and she begged him that he had to be there whenever she did go for a walk outside the building. 

They went down the stairs, but being self-aware that she was expected to walk out of the building scared her. She knew she wasn’t ready and she squeezed the hand that held hers firmly. Damian’s green eyes looked at her trying to hide the worry, but she saw through it. 

Raven knew that she had to be strong for him at least, that alone was enough to bring her to the end of the staircase. She knew he asked this of her for her own good. She knew he was worried how she had locked herself inside the villa. She knew these even when there were no words that were said directly to her. 

Raven knew and she did not know why, but she knew all of these.

Damian would ask her if she wanted to know more about her, but she would just shake her head, rejecting his offer. Raven then would tell him that she was content with what little she knew of herself. And she knew and could feel his turmoil as if it was hers, but she would not delve into the matter any further.

She didn’t want to know more about herself. Raven simply wanted to know more about Damian.

Damian guided her to the main entrance, a door she would more often than not pass by as if it did not exist. There were a couple of times she would glance at it and rarely stare for more than two minutes and then proceed to ignore it. She found she had no interest in the outside world, she liked it here, inside this huge mansion with Damian. That was more than she needed. She wanted to be with him– the man holding her hand.

Raven squeezed his hand again as they stopped in front of the door. 

Damian had reached out for the doorknob with his free hand but feeling her squeeze his hand again made him turn to her.

“Do you want to do this?” He asked sympathetically, and she tried to smile to comfort him but her uncertainty had become bigger than her. She squeezed his hand again as she forced herself to nod. 

Damian took a deep breath and opened the door and as it swung open and revealed the green grass, Raven’s legs buckled. An image in her head overlapped with the green grass. And she no longer saw the tranquil lawn outside– instead she saw destruction.

Raven’s breathing became heavy as the image remained in her sight. Cars littered everywhere, smoke and flames, and then there was–

Raven screamed as her palms covered her face. She had fallen on her knees screaming as she wept.

“Raven!” Damian yelled as he dropped to his knees to hold her in his arms. She screamed as she held onto him.

“No, no, no!” She repeated as she held onto his shirt as if she’d ripped it from how strong her grip was. “Damian!” She screamed his name in so much terror his heart dropped to his stomach and he hugged her tightly.

“I’m here, I’m here.” He repeated but her repeating words of no was louder. He called her name but she didn’t respond, just sobbed and called his name in a broken whisper. He forcefully pulled her away from his chest, and she struggled in his arms not wanting to let go. 

“I’m here Raven, I’m here.” He  forced himself to say as he kept her at a distance so she could see his face. She continued to scuffle at him, her eyes unfocused as tears streamed down her face. “Raven!” He called her name as loudly as he could so his voice would not be drowned out by her voice. He sounded like he was about to burst into tears and his chest ached even more seeing her tremble in place at the sudden sound– at his sudden burst.

Raven’s eyes found his, her hands quivering, “Damian.” She hugged him and wept in silence.

“There, there.” He patted her back and they remained that way for a moment, he adjusted his hands so that he could carry her back to her room. “Let’s go back, let’s try again some other day.” He coaxed her quietly. He felt her nod against his collar bone. 

Damian squeezed her one more time and then found his footing in order to stand up. Raven continued to cry as he climbed back up to her bedroom.

When they arrived in her room and he settled her on her bed, she confessed to him how afraid she was that night of the accident. She was afraid she wouldn’t get to experience a life with him by her side. 

Raven initiated their first kiss, and in the confusion he kissed her back with the passion he held onto and had for her for years. Raven kissed back, slipping her tongue inside his mouth and she recognized his inexperience because of it and he confirmed it when he pulled away.

Damian couldn’t help but mention she had dated before, couldn’t help but say Garfield’s name and thus had to see her expression shift right before his own eyes. 

She longed for him– Garfield.

Raven was confused because she didn’t have any memories of Garfield, but her heart beats loudly upon hearing his name. Her expression could not help but mold into longing, and Damian saw all of this. She could vaguely feel his pain behind the turmoil that was brought about when Damian said Garfield’s name.

She still wanted to choose Damian even if her heart and body remembered this man named Garfield, even if she reacted in such an extreme manner. But the turmoil inside of her made her tired, she wanted to rest and yet she still wanted Damian.

Raven asked if they could try walking outside again tomorrow and he quietly obliged. She knew she had to tell him before her feelings got lost in translation– lost in words that were never said. 

Raven had to define what she wanted with him. What she wanted with Damian and no one else.

“I would like to date you, Damian.” Her words were sincere and certain even when she was clearly reacting towards that name– Garfield.

But Damian quickly shot her down by saying, “Your memory isn’t like what it was, Raven. I think it’s too early to say that.” She pressed her lips, she hated how he replied. She hated how he shot her down so quickly. But then, she also hated herself, what could she have done to someone this good to her, to reply that easily? To reply in such a manner?

Garfield, even though the name sparked a reaction to her physically, she didn’t remember her love for him. If someone told her that her heart was beating because of the love she had for Garfield, she’d tell them instantly: that isn’t the case. 

This beating was more akin to fear, she didn’t want to know anything about Garfield because to a degree she was aware it would affect her relationship with Damian. 

Now that was something she did not want at all.

But Raven will be patient, she had to be. 

If Damian wasn’t ready now, she will wait, and she will not have someone who she didn’t remember obstruct her. She knew she chose Damian on her dying breath and that meant something stronger than this person she didn’t remember, named Garfield. 

 ~.~.~.~.~

 Raven had stopped keeping track of the days but a week ago she was finally able to step out of the mansion. Previously they would stand in front of the entrance ranging from a panic stricken melt-down to a staring contest that could last a few minutes to hours and yet she could never step out of the building. 

The first time Raven struggled to go outside helped her remember something though– her accident. She had an inkling why she was afraid of going outside and now she knew her accident took place in an open space. 

Raven found this out the first time she attempted to step out and saw the fast field. Her legs gave in as she so vaguely recalled a scene that overlapped the green grass. It was an unpleasant memory which she had not informed Damian she recalled, even if so very faint. Even when he carried her up to her room and comforted her, she didn’t tell him the details of what she had seen and felt but now it was different.

Raven knew for certain that it involved the man who was always there as she recovered– Damian. 

She tried to calm her mind in order to find peace to try and put the pieces together. And that was how she knew, just a week ago, why she held Damian so tightly every time, why she had to see him, why it had to be him that accompanied her.

Today Damian promised he would go out and join her for a walk. If he wasn’t by her side she would refuse to even attempt stepping out of the safety of the building he provided for her. They stood in front the main entrance of his villa, Raven holding his wrist with both hands in a tight grip. Even though they have gone out over a couple of times, it still wasn’t an easy feat for Raven. 

Damian rested his free hand over her cold hands that were tightly wrapped around his wrist. Even when she was evidently shaking he never forced her out. But there were so many times where she would just faint out of pure fear which then would make him wonder: if Raven knew how painful it is to catch her like that, would she refuse to leave the villa?

Did he even have the right to be hurt when he is someone she didn’t love in that way?

“Damian?” Raven called in a small voice, her eyes worried as she looked up at him. He smiled at her faintly.

“I’m sorry, I was lost in my thoughts.” He admitted, no matter what, he cannot be delusional. It might have seemed like she held her hand out for him twice, but it could be that it wasn’t– no it isn’t the case. She could have been confused and thought he was Garfield. He sighed and closed his eyes tightly.

He recalled what happened weeks ago, where they had shared their first kiss, she said doesn’t remember Garfield but when she does recall her old flame, Damian knew he’d be left with a broken heart. She didn’t know any better, and he tried his hardest to pretend it never happened. He knew Raven could see through him and did not cause any trouble, instead she played along with his unspoken wish. 

Pretend like she didn’t tell him that she was scared to not experience a love with him, pretend she didn’t kiss him and he didn’t kiss back.

“Damian.” She called his name again, her voice sounding like she was at the verge of tears and he looked at her worriedly. “Do you know why I’m scared of going outside?” She thought that even if she just knew a few days ago of the reason why she found it hard to step outside, she had to tell him, even if– when her memories return, it might not be the truth anymore. 

Even when he was clearly pushing her away.

Damian didn’t look at her, he only looked down on the floor. He did not want her to continue. 

And it made her heart ache, it made her wonder why he would act like this. When her memories return, she would know why he is like this, she must have hurt him a lot before. And there was a part of her that hoped she wouldn’t have those memories back, because there was one thing she knew for a long time– she wanted to build a future with him.

She wasn’t sure she could if she really did something awful to him. 

Was she an awful person?

Raven pressed her lips together, but she still had to take a chance, “Whenever I get to hold your hand.” She pulled one of her hands off of his wrist and laced her hand with his. “It feels so perfect, when I get to hold you like this, it makes me feel so safe. Like I would never get lost, and I would never lose you.” She leaned against his shoulder as he remained quiet.

“Please don’t tell me that I will regret this when I have my memories back.” She softly added as a tear slipped her eye which she hid from him. And they remained silent as she found the strength to open the door and step out. 

And for the first time, it was her who guided him out, not the other way around. 

 ~.~.~.~.~

 Then the day she finally met Garfield came, Garfield called her name out and it made her freeze. The beating in her chest wasn’t out of fear, it was love and Raven hated it. She hated how she recognized his voice and when she turned to look at him– she remembered him. She recalled their happy memories. She instantly knew something about him and it scared her.

Raven had been so happy these past months because of the man beside her– Damian. And yet, this person– Garfield, decided to barge into their pleasant conversation. She still didn’t remember much about Damian other than being so terrified when she thought she was dying and couldn’t spend time with him.

But with Garfield it was like her life with him was flashing through her eyes, and she was feeling everything as if it was still happening. 

It was overwhelming her, she knew she loved him. She loved Garfield so much. 

Raven could feel Damian’s turmoil– his pain. She could feel Garfield’s joy at her being awake and his anger at Damian for not telling him. She could even feel the guilt of the man behind Garfield, whom Damian called Greyson. And she can feel the love she had for Garfield for nine long years.

Damian confirmed what he knew– in her eyes Garfield will always surpass him. But this moment also made Damian realize just how much he had allowed himself to sink into this make-believe life they built within the mansion. He wasn’t her boyfriend, and she didn’t have a space for him in her heart. 

The unexpected guest that Greyson brought was a much needed wake-up call.

“Get out.” Raven said firmly and as mean as she could but her words came out gentle and tired. Damian was surprised by this and turned to her instantly, but she turned around and looked out the window. “All of you.” 

Raven was combing the memories that felt more than an assault than anything else. It was her happy memories with Gar, she was sure of it, but she hated it so much. She crossed her arms over her chest refusing to talk to anyone and they left one by one, Damian being the last to leave.

When the hours passed by she felt better with more control over her emotions. Raven sat down by the windowsill thinking of what she could or would do with these new found memories. She knew firmly how she did not want to pursue Garfield even when her memories were playing tricks on her. 

Yes, tricks that is what these memories are– tricks. 

Raven knew who she wanted to be with Damian, it doesn’t matter how her memories of Garfield made her so desperately want to run to said person. She had made her choice, the night of her accident, that she wanted her future to be with Damian.

And yet, why was it that she was convincing herself over and over again of that choice?

When the door opened and she heard footsteps come her way, even when her back was facing the intruder, she knew it was Damian.

“He hasn’t left has he?” She asked even if she did not have confirmation that it was Damian, but the voice that responded was the one who had been with her since she woke up– no since she was in a coma. His voice always followed her.

Damian told her how Garfield refused to leave until he talked to her, but Damian didn’t come here to convince her to talk to Garfield, he came because she had to eat dinner. 

Raven agreed to eat dinner only if Damian joined her and Damian did not complain. He was rather surprised that she would want his company, perhaps this would just be like how they have been living so far, another stolen moment– a temporary happy memory. And yet, he still could not complain, he was still rather glad, even if it was temporary he was still being chosen– for this moment, for this hour, for this day.

Damian brought the food up for the two of them and they sat across from each other in silence. Raven was picking on her food and he remained quiet and patient. 

Raven sighed and then said, “It’s odd, when I saw him, it felt like I just realized the world was a puzzle with missing pieces, and his presence just made all the missing pieces appear on it’s designated places. He was familiar, he was someone I knew— love , maybe even… but something didn’t sit well with me. I didn’t want to approach him and I didn’t want him to approach me.”

There could have been more said after what Raven confessed and yet the pair knew there was nothing that needed to be said or done. They were completely fine with each other’s company. She recognized his pain and his suffering for all these years, and he recognized how upset and angry she was at how Garfield made her react the way she did.

But they said nothing to rely on what they already knew about each other and instead remained in silence which was a comforting embrace for them both.

 ~.~.~.~.~

 Three days passed when Raven finally decided she could meet Garfield. She had to face him sooner or later and she was mostly thankful for his unexpected visit as it became the firestarter for her memories to really come back to her.

It hurt and it was overwhelming, she knew she loved Garfield, but that was a version of her who has always known nothing but loving him. She saw clearly how bad they were together and yet the love she had for Garfield was like looking at the scorching sun directly in the eyes. No matter how bright the sun was, staring at it directly would pain one’s eyes.

It did leave her so utterly confused. But her decision hasn’t changed, it was still Damian whom she wanted to be with.

The day Raven saw Garfield was the last day she had seen Damian. She grew so very anxious, she had lost her appetite to eat or go out of her bedroom. She wondered if her refusal to eat would at least prompt Damian to visit her again. 

Why had he not visited her for days? Had he seen her with Garfield that day– out on his lawn?

She had to explain herself to Damian and then she would find herself standing by her bedroom door thinking of leaving, to look for Damian herself. But her body couldn’t, it refused to go out, she would find herself puking into her toilet instead. 

Her days without Damian passed like that, she couldn’t go out of her bedroom without him. But she wanted so badly to see him and talk to him because the fear in her chest was so heavy it felt like it was crushing her ribs. She didn’t realize until now how dependent on him she had become.

Raven was currently laying on her bed, looking at the ceiling as she tried to control her emotions. She didn’t count the days that she hadn’t seen Damian after the third day because she was afraid that he might never come and being that aware of how many days she hadn’t seen him pained her too much.

She wanted to cry, she was so scared, but she couldn’t even find her voice to express her fear and pain.

Raven got up and faced the door when she felt another wave of panic assault her. She covered her face as she caved in on her emotions. The memory of the night when she was attacked flashing before her eyes.

Was it too late to tell him? Will he never come?

She wanted so badly to be with him, the fear of not being able to– was choking her.

The door suddenly opened and she shot up on her feet, hoping it was him– she catched the familiar black hair and green eyes and that beautiful tan skin of Damian Wayne. Her feet moved fast with a sob as the distance between them only felt like two steps as she gave him a tight embrace. 

Raven was scared, she was terrified that maybe she was manifesting a fake Damian because of her desire to see him. But holding the warm body and familiar aura of the man who had patiently waited for her for years– she knew, it was undoubtedly him.

Damian was confused, but when she felt his strong arms gently returning her hug, Raven held onto him even tighter as she placed her eyes against his shoulder as she wept, refusing to let him go. 

“I thought you wouldn’t come back. I was so scared.” Her pleading voice made his heart ache. 

He didn’t know what to say, “I’m sorry for worrying you.” A soft reply as he tightened his hold on her and held her down so her feet would touch the floor. But she did not let him go and he did not either and so they held each other tightly for a bit longer.

Eventually Raven pulled away as she tried to collect herself. She wiped her tears as she looked at those emerald eyes. She instantly saw the confusion in his eyes and her heart skipped a beat in fear. She reached for his hands, afraid he’d suddenly turn around– deciding to leave her for good.

So she told him all the things that were running through her head. 

“When Gar came and guided me outside, I couldn’t find the strength to step through the door. All I could think about was that I need you. I need you to hold my hand as I step outside. While that night kept flashing through my mind. But he held my hand– and it felt so familiar. And all my fears just vanished.” Raven looked down on her feet, she could remember vividly how that day went. And if Damian had seen them at the lawn, how it must have felt for him to see such a scene.

“And I found myself outside– with him.” She added, sounding distressed, but she hadn’t finished and she found herself holding onto Damian’s hand tightly as if looking for strength to continue on. A broken smile was on her lips as the tears on her eyes slipped and fell onto the floor. She didn’t want to continue, but she had to. 

“I forgot the time I was injured, till the time before he held my hands. It felt like I could breathe again.” Her eyes suddenly met his green gaze and Damian was startled, he had to admit: he hated this conversation. “He will always be someone that matters to me, we will always have history. I have loved him for nine years, we shared so many memories– so many firsts. But I do not want to be with him. I want to be with you. And I know I am asking a lot, but if all these don’t bother you– I would love it, if you would date me.” She said as quickly and calmly as she could. Raven felt like she was just ranting and making a fool of herself now. And it was worse when there was only silence that greeted her.

“I want you. I want to be with you.” She softly added, thinking that maybe it would make a difference. But the silence continued and her confidence shrank even more.

“I don’t mind.” Was his soft reply that she didn’t hear, because Raven was convinced that he did not feel the same way for her. 

She indeed was such a fool.

“If that is an issue for you, then I completely understand.” She mumbled.

“I don’t mind.” He repeated, a bit louder this time.

“I know it’s been two years, and that there must have been someone you became interested in. Or maybe you’ve even dated a bit. I know we don’t talk about it, but I get that–” She tried to rationalize because it made sense. Damian wouldn’t wait for someone who broke his heart over and over again. And yet, it hurt so much, she squeezed her eyes trying not to cry at the truth. 

He didn’t want her.

But Raven’s tone gave her away, she was so close to sobbing. She was so scared of losing him.

“Raven,” Came Damian’s steady voice that echoed into the room, she found her eyes looking straight at him. His strong hand against her cheek, his green eyes steadily gazing at her in a tender manner. “I want to be with you.” She couldn’t find the strength to believe him.

“I’ve always wanted to be with you– I waited for you.” His words finally reached Raven’s soul, she felt his relief and her tears washed away her distrust over his confession. “I almost gave up, I admit that.” He looked away and she cupped his cheeks.

“If I were in your place, even I would waver.” She admitted as she tried to catch his gaze. 

When their eyes were finally locked at one another she added in a gentle tone, “Garfield will always have some meaning to me– his all I have known for nine years, even before sleeping for two years– my history with him is half my life. I was afraid. I thought he was the only one who could possibly love someone like me– I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I want my next memories and moments– with you. And slowly those memories I had, and my history with him, will just be a fraction of my life. I want you. I want every possible milestone with you, Damian.” She felt that she had to explain herself, had to make him fully aware that being with her would be a challenge, that it wasn’t going to be easy because of her ex. But God– Azar, this was all she wanted since she woke up. 

It was difficult to hold to the desire of wanting to be with Damian when her memories made her feel her love for someone else. It hurt so much and it was draining her, but she had to hold on because she had to see if she had a chance with him– with Damian.

He nodded and she wanted to cry in disbelief and happiness. He really chose her, despite everything and the challenges that had faced and they will face. She knows very well, first hand, how hard it is to hold onto the thought of a future with Damian.

“I never thought this day would happen.” A gentle confession from Damian as he leaned against her, resting his forehead on hers. The contact made her smile softly and they remained like that in silence.

It was Damian who would break the silence, “I was afraid to ask, or open up about this, especially since you were still recuperating– and your memories are fuzzy. But who would have thought you would catch me by surprise and open up the topic yourself?” 

Raven didn’t want to hear him talk anymore because to her ears, it was Damian confirming how closely she evaded not having him in her life. And Raven took another chance– she kissed him and she was surprised when he kissed her back shyly. 

Raven deepened the kiss, wanting to taste more of him. Her worries about losing sight of wanting to be with him are lost at the back of her mind. The kiss seemingly a symbol that anchored her to him. 

She pulled away when she recalled the last time they shared a kiss, his inexperience– the same kind that was now awkwardly against her lips.

“We will take it step by step. I might still remember more about Garfield, and I might get a little confused. But remind me that I chose you since that night.” Raven stood on her tippy toes and rested her forehead against his head. Their eyes locked at one another and she caught the surprise that flashed in his eyes for a moment and then he brushed his thumb against her cheek. 

“I finally caught up to you.” He whispered and Raven couldn’t help the small laughter that she tried to hide from coming out.

Raven felt that it was truly the other way around. It was her who finally caught him.

  ~.~.~.~.~.~

 Damian was asleep with Raven in her king sized bed and he awoke when he noticed the familiar frame that was usually resting on his chest turned to her side, away from him. His green eyes slowly opened, aware of the missing weight and warmth of his girlfriend. His eyes were still half open when he heard the shallow breathing of Raven.

“Raven.” He called out as he turned her to lay on her back, she did not respond but he noticed the sweat forming on her forehead.

“Gar…” She whispered between wheezes. Damian froze hearing her call for Garfield.

“Gar– Please.” He heard her stifle. “Don’t– please.” She turned her head from left to right. “Don’t leave me please.” She begged as tears streamed down her. 

“I love you.” She whispered and then wept, Damian felt like his heart was ripped away from him, but looking at her like that all sweaty and in tears– he couldn’t let his pain get ahead of himself. With shaking hands he wiped her tears with one hand and wiped her sweat with the other.

Raven suddenly jolted awake from the touch. “Gar?” Was the name that she called out first as she sat up and placed her hands on Damian’s chest. Damian’s expression remained as stoic as possible, but he couldn’t hide the slight widening of his green eyes.

“Gar– I thought– I thought–” Raven’s voice sounded desperate and Damian hated it. Her violet eyes were also filled with the same kind of desperation. 

Raven’s shaky eyes stared at Damian’s emerald eyes, but he could see and understand that his girlfriend was not seeing him. He saw how Raven’s gaze of despair slowly turned to pure confusion then fear.

To Raven she had seen Garfield’s green skin, but once she gazed at his eyes, she found that it was not the same shade or shape as Garfield’s eyes. And then suddenly the image of Garfield was replaced by Damian Wayne.

“Damian?” She asked in confusion, almost chokingly. “What are you doing in my bed? In my room?” She glanced around and realized she did not recognize where she was. “Where am I?” Her tone was pure fear and Damian could only press his lips in silence.

Raven stumbled as she got off the bed in her confusion, “Where– where am I?” she mumbled as she gazed at her surroundings again and she tripped backwards. Raven felt extremely hopeless, she placed her hands over her eyes as she wept.

“I don’t- I don’t.” She mumbled as she heard rustling from the bed. Damian got up and slowly approached her and knelt by her side. He was hurt, he was so hurt that she was still looking for Garfield. This wasn’t the first time he would wake up to her hysterics, but it did not make every single one after the first episode any easier. 

This started happening a few weeks after they got together and the intervals became closer as the time progressed.

He reached her hand and she heard her loud gasp as she looked up with wide amethyst eyes that showed both her confusion and fear. She felt guilty at how loud her own breath was.

“Damian?” She asked as she sniffed, there was recognition in her eyes and she hugged him as she wept. “I did it again, didn’t I? Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry.” She cried and he hugged her tightly.

“It hurts, I admit that much.” He whispered as he put his face against the nook of her shoulder and neck and there was silence from Raven as she held in her sobs by sucking in her lips. “But you are not going to get rid of me that easily. You made me promise, remember? To remind you that you chose me since that night.” 

Raven pulled away to look at him and cupped his face, the tears pooling in her eyes and she nodded as she tried to smile. 

“Yes, that’s right, I chose you. You– Damian Wayne.” She whispered her eyes searching for his pain. His thumb neared Raven’s left eye and she closed both her eyes as he wiped her tears. 

“You choose me, and I will fight whatever fucking monster I have to– to remind you that you chose me– until you don’t want me anymore.” Damian spoke gently as he rested his forehead against hers.

“Me? Not wanting you?” She repeated back, a concept she could not understand and she shook her head. “All I’ve ever wanted in my coma was you.”

Damian felt a warmth in his chest and he found a small hand rubbing against his sternum gently. Her eyes glanced at his chest for a  second.

“May this warmth bloom and grow bigger, I am not letting you go ever.” Raven then suddenly gazed at his eyes. Damian was startled by the firmness in her  eyes.

“Okay.” He couldn’t help but reply. He was more than alright with that. He smiled at her affectionately. 

Damian was always taken aback by her skills as an empath, especially on times like this; when Raven would reaffirm his affection for her by reminding her in small gestures that she can feel his love for her, and he never needed her to say that she loved him back because it was clear in her eyes, in her touch, in her voice– she loves him back wholeheartedly.

It wasn’t something  they questioned when their minds were in this kind of tranquility. 

 ~.~.~.~.~

 They had been officially dating for a couple of months and Damian could clearly see how positively this fact has affected Raven. She was laughing with him so much and she would look at him with such an endearing gaze; which was rather suffocating for Damian, only because he still couldn’t believe it himself– that they are finally together. 

Raven would run around with him through the villa like kids, and they would steal kisses from one another. Whenever he was here, the two would have so much fun. It was unbelievable that the two had been pining for someone for nine years.

When Damian would have to leave, and when his absence would be longer due to missions, he could see the fear and worry in her eyes and face. And it made him want to stay by her side, but he couldn’t do that, he was a hero, this was his job. The guilt and pain Damian felt when he had to leave Raven for long missions was worse now that they are dating.

The feeling of not wanting to leave was so strong that it made it hard for Damian to part from Raven with a tranquil mind. In fact every parting since they started dating had made the feeling even more stuffier; for a moment or two, he had considered leaving the team and Batman entirely.

The couple were in Raven’s bedroom, they were sitting on a new bed that the two had gotten to replace her hospital bed a long time ago. They even spent so much time renovating her entire space. When Damian would step into the room, he could now tell it was hers. She had a space in a house he had asked from his father for her. There was a level of permanency that could not be replaced and could not be described with this fact. He had finally grown and nurtured such an intimate relationship with someone.

However, Damian has to leave for two weeks and he can see it in his girlfriend’s violet eyes that she does not want him to be away from her.

“When you’re gone, now that we are together, your absence feels longer than it actually is.” Raven confessed, she was finally no longer lying on the hospital bed that she had slept on for years, it was oddly comforting. 

Damian was sitting across from her on her bed and he looked at her gently as he brushed her cheek, hoping he could brush off her sad expression.

“I will be careful.” He whispered, the moonlight being their only light within the room. 

“I know, it’s what you always say every time.” Raven answered back, and they stared at each other.

But this time it was different. 

Those were the words that the couple didn’t say aloud but knew was in each other’s minds and it was clear on their faces. 

But this time it was different. It is true, this time, it was different. 

To Damian this would be the first time he would leave her as her boyfriend for two whole weeks. To Raven, when he leaves she could no longer ease her mind by exploring the villa anymore, just so she would not think of the perils he would be in. She wished that she could do more, but she couldn’t remember how to use her magic or more like it wasn’t cooperating– working, even though she really wished it would.

“I need to go now.” Damian said with a heavy heart and they looked at one another. 

When Damian moved, Raven grabbed his shirt and he looked at her with a broken expression. He held her hands, squeezed them and urged her to let go by pulling her hand off of him. 

It was clear to Raven that he did not want to leave, but they both understood that he had to.

“Be safe.” She said, conceding to his wishes but he pressed his lips and Raven’s eyelid twitches.

“I will try my best.” Was his reply, and she closed her eyes, his hands no longer holding hers as he stood up. Raven stood up too and he looked at her one last time. She leaned closer to him and kissed him on his lips.

“Be safe.” She said again and for a second he rested his head against hers and then planted a gentle kiss on her lips and left her room. 

Damian refused to steal another glance; it never made leaving easy. He couldn’t be tempted into staying any longer. He knows his duties and she knows it clearly too.

Raven couldn’t lead him out of the villa, she was scared of seeing his figure out in the open at night. So she stayed in her room quietly, refusing to even take a peek outside the window to seek out his  figure. 

The thought that maybe this time would be the last time she would see him would overtake her thoughts often, tonight  was worse. Now that they are together, she couldn’t exactly not think of him on missions, she couldn’t distract herself by roaming around the mansion he got for her because all she would see was him and her now. 

They had accumulated so many memories within the mansion that it would be too difficult not to think about him at all.

What kind of dangers would he be facing? How close would he be to death’s door? What decision would save his life?

These thoughts often would haunt her mind when Damian left for missions. 

Raven gazed at her palms, wishing and hoping she would remember how to work her magic at that very moment.

She wanted to protect him. But all she remembered were things about Garfield, Damian leading them as a team– some instances with her team members and– that was all. 

When she tries to remember the night of her injury, she only recalled the fear of losing him. She recalle