Out of Body - 22/25

Out of Body - Chapter 22 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Heechul still visits him every day. Sometimes he brings Narae and sometimes he doesn’t. Kyuhyun is coming to wish he’d bring her everyday but he knows sometimes he can’t. Sometimes he can’t manage it. But Kyuhyun thinks it’s a positive that he wants to see her. He’s begun missing her too. He misses Heechul obviously but at first he only missed Heechul. Because he was convinced Narae wasn’t a real baby, so therefore he didn’t miss her. But he knows that she is now and he misses her. He knows that he should be with her and taking care of her and he’s honestly sad that he can’t do so. He wanted to have that period where he bonded with his newborn so badly and he didn’t get it.

Out of Body - 21/25

Out of Body - Chapter 21 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Heechul keeps his promise. He comes in every day, even when Kyuhyun refuses to talk to him. He never brings Narae though. He talks about her a lot and shows Kyuhyun pictures. Kyuhyun won’t look at first. He doesn’t want to see and he definitely doesn’t want to be drawn into the whole plot again. He’s in the hospital, they’re putting medicines in him that he doesn’t trust or fully understand. He blames Heechul and to an extent Narae. Well, he doesn’t believe that Narae is real but he feels like she has a hold over everyone around him and he hates it. He hates that he’s here against his will and has been completely stripped of all control.

Out of Body - 20/25

Out of Body - Chapter 20 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Late at night Kyuhyun realises it. He understands the plot now. It’s not just listening devices… it’s Narae. She is listening. She is a bug. He should have known it from the start. She isn’t real… that’s why he can’t connect with her. She never was real and yet, he’s the only one who’s realised it. Although he suspects that his friends are also in on it. They want to keep him compliant, make him think that he has to look after this thing when actually it’s just been spying on him all along.

Out of Body - 19/25

Out of Body - Chapter 19 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Kyuhyun barely holds her. He can’t. He doesn’t want to think about all the negative feelings that come up when he does. If he avoids holding her and focuses on things like list making or planning then he can still look like a decent parent. Nobody has to know that there’s something going wrong inside.

Out of Body - 18/25

Out of Body - Chapter 18 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Kyuhyun still feels guilty. He can’t stop himself. Everything he moves and the incision on his belly pulls he is reminded of how he couldn’t do it. He’s still happy that his daughter is here and he wouldn’t take her back for anything. He doesn’t resent her at all; he just feels disappointed in himself.

Out of Body - 17/25

Out of Body - Chapter 17 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Labour is a natural process. Kyuhyun is young and healthy. He can’t understand why this is happening to him. People older than him and in worse health deliver naturally every day. Why can he do it too? Why can’t he bring his baby into the world like he’s supposed to? He knows these thoughts are irrational. Perhaps from being tired, frustrated and labouring for hours. Perhaps it’s made his brain fuzzy because he’s never really had anything against c-sections before. He’s been a bit unsure about having the epidural but was never actually against the idea. His line of thinking up until the point was that any way that gives them a safe, healthy baby is the best way.

Out of Body - 16/25

Out of Body - Chapter 16 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Kyuhyun has come to realise that he’s not going to get any sleep until this child is out of him. It’s beyond miserable. He’s beginning to feel like he’s going a bit crazy with all the sleep deprivation. He knows that new parents are also sleep deprived and that he won’t be sleeping through the night with a new baby but at least he hopes he will be more comfortable in his own body. He hopes just to sleep well at least once. Maybe one night Heechul will let him sleep just to get his strength back. Kyuhyun doesn’t know, he just knows that the nights feel like eternities and he thinks he’s slowly going mad.

Heechul tries to stay up with him but always ends up falling asleep in the end. Kyuhyun can’t blame him, it’s natural for the body to want to sleep after all. But for Kyuhyun, whenever he begins to drift off he is kicked or gets a false contraction or just feels miserable from indigestion. It’s so frustrating that he wants to cry because he’s exhausted. He desperately wants to sleep, so, so badly but he just can’t. It’s torturous.

Out of Body - 15/25

Out of Body - Chapter 15 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Kyuhyun finds himself more irritated at work than normal. At first he just felt achey, which isn’t abnormal for him so he decides just to push through. He’s his usual combination of hungry, cranky, tired and achy. He spends most days now looking at the clock, wishing it was time to go home already. He has a few more weeks before he goes on maternity leave. He could take some leave earlier but the longer he waits it out the more leave he’ll have once the baby is born. He thinks that he’ll want it more then. This sucks but he can make it work.

Maternity leave will be great though. He imagines being able to lie down during the day when he gets tired. Now he just has to sit at his desk and force himself to stay awake. If he has a poor sleep the night before he can try to make it up during the day. Maternity leave low-key sounds like paradise.

Out of Body - 14/25

Out of Body - Chapter 14 - GuineapigQueen - Super Junior [Archive of Our Own]

Kyuhyun is beginning to feel like all that he is to other people is just an incubator. Whenever people talk to him, at work, or on the bus or something all they want to talk about is the baby. And Kyuhyun understands that it is exciting, he sometimes just wants to have a regular conversation… he’d even take talking about the weather. It’s just that he has an identity outside of being pregnant. People used to see him as an individual, not a baby-carrier. Now he feels like that’s all he is to the outside world and it’s frustrating.