So like, Martian Manhunter is a telepath and he’s said several times in Justice League comics that he doesn’t like getting into Batman’s head because it’s really unpleasant in there, and I always kind of rolled my eyes because at the time it was said, Batman was in his toxic masculinity/I’m so edgy stage. I thought it was a cheap way of going “oooh look he’s so grim and dark and cool even telepaths can’t handle him”
But taken with the modern “Batman has PTSD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder” this suddenly makes SO MUCH MORE SENSE because if there is a way to get a telepath to go “um no thank you” to some mental shenanigans it would be someone with constant obsessive intrusive thought spirals and massive trauma.
Like Martian Manhunter hooking up a mental link between Justice League members trying to screen out how Batman’s brain is screaming at him for the entire 12 hour mission about how Nightwing hasn’t stopped by the cave to switch out his costume for the new improved kevlar weave so he has definitely already been killed by a rocket launcher and oh god what is Batman going to say at the funeral
so after the mission is over Martian Manhunter has like, a telepathic hangover and has to call Dick up on his Justice League reserve communicator going “I swear to god, if you don’t get your ass to Gotham to switch out your suit I will come down there, phase into your body and WALK YOU THERE MYSELF. Which incidentally, IS ALSO SOMETHING BATMAN WORRIES ABOUT” and then has to crawl into bed for 3 days
[Tweet by Fran, @galacticidiots, saying, ‘Who needs therapy when AO3 is full of those 10-20K one shots where nothing happens except huge feelings and deep conversations that somehow make you feel the entire spectrum of human emotion.
End ID.]
I prefer both, of course. But there are many things that I’d never even considered COULD be related before reading about them on AO3, never mind connecting them to my own experiences.
I still go read hurt/comfort to figure out which trauma I’m currently ready to process. I read about stupid Batkids getting lost in their own undercover identities while trying to figure myself out. I read about abuse while trying to parse my self-hatred. I read about good parents and siblings while isolating myself. I read about trauma recovery … while I continue to recover from trauma.
It’s so confusing because I am constantly horny and my mind is dirty for most of the time right now, full of sexual thoughts but I only like the idea of sex, I am not interested in being sexually involved with other people, it’s just like I want to fuck myself. And what’s frustrating I am on antidepressants so it’s not even satisfying enough sometimes
Everyone is moving on with there lives, getting into relationships, moving out, getting engaged and having babies.. What am I doing? I’m stuck at home being ill waiting for the hospital to sort out my medication, stuck in a void.
I’ve not long finished redecorating my room, I’ve put a lot of butterflies in it because there proof that you can go through something ugly and still end up beautiful.
So I ran out of antidepressants/anxiety tablets a week ago and it feels like i’m awake for the first time in months, but I have however noticed that I have been struggling to sleep again and I am getting worked up about the silliest of things again. I’m unsure what to do, should I go back to the doctors or stay of them as I actually feel awake and not like some zombie that is just passing through the motions in life, so far luckily I haven’t had any major downers which is a plus but it will probley happen at some point Just really unsure on what to do.
Once again it has been a while since I have posted on here but I am hoping that now I have an actual computer, not a laptop that I keep dropping, that I will be posting a lot more.
Not much has gone on really, i’m still ill but not so heartbroken any more which is a good thing I suppose, finally think I may actually be getting over him. Still depressed and anxious plus ive gained weight due to being on steroids for a prolong amount of time. I keep trying to stay positive, but its really fucking hard too, I know things could be a lot worse but they could also be a lot better, I think what gets to me the most is the fact that there is just no end in sight with my illness, especially as none of the medication that they use for my condition works on me,
Heechul still visits him every day. Sometimes he brings Narae and sometimes he doesn’t. Kyuhyun is coming to wish he’d bring her everyday but he knows sometimes he can’t. Sometimes he can’t manage it. But Kyuhyun thinks it’s a positive that he wants to see her. He’s begun missing her too. He misses Heechul obviously but at first he only missed Heechul. Because he was convinced Narae wasn’t a real baby, so therefore he didn’t miss her. But he knows that she is now and he misses her. He knows that he should be with her and taking care of her and he’s honestly sad that he can’t do so. He wanted to have that period where he bonded with his newborn so badly and he didn’t get it.
Heechul keeps his promise. He comes in every day, even when Kyuhyun refuses to talk to him. He never brings Narae though. He talks about her a lot and shows Kyuhyun pictures. Kyuhyun won’t look at first. He doesn’t want to see and he definitely doesn’t want to be drawn into the whole plot again. He’s in the hospital, they’re putting medicines in him that he doesn’t trust or fully understand. He blames Heechul and to an extent Narae. Well, he doesn’t believe that Narae is real but he feels like she has a hold over everyone around him and he hates it. He hates that he’s here against his will and has been completely stripped of all control.
Late at night Kyuhyun realises it. He understands the plot now. It’s not just listening devices… it’s Narae. She is listening. She is a bug. He should have known it from the start. She isn’t real… that’s why he can’t connect with her. She never was real and yet, he’s the only one who’s realised it. Although he suspects that his friends are also in on it. They want to keep him compliant, make him think that he has to look after this thing when actually it’s just been spying on him all along.
Kyuhyun barely holds her. He can’t. He doesn’t want to think about all the negative feelings that come up when he does. If he avoids holding her and focuses on things like list making or planning then he can still look like a decent parent. Nobody has to know that there’s something going wrong inside.
Kyuhyun still feels guilty. He can’t stop himself. Everything he moves and the incision on his belly pulls he is reminded of how he couldn’t do it. He’s still happy that his daughter is here and he wouldn’t take her back for anything. He doesn’t resent her at all; he just feels disappointed in himself.
Labour is a natural process. Kyuhyun is young and healthy. He can’t understand why this is happening to him. People older than him and in worse health deliver naturally every day. Why can he do it too? Why can’t he bring his baby into the world like he’s supposed to? He knows these thoughts are irrational. Perhaps from being tired, frustrated and labouring for hours. Perhaps it’s made his brain fuzzy because he’s never really had anything against c-sections before. He’s been a bit unsure about having the epidural but was never actually against the idea. His line of thinking up until the point was that any way that gives them a safe, healthy baby is the best way.
Kyuhyun has come to realise that he’s not going to get any sleep until this child is out of him. It’s beyond miserable. He’s beginning to feel like he’s going a bit crazy with all the sleep deprivation. He knows that new parents are also sleep deprived and that he won’t be sleeping through the night with a new baby but at least he hopes he will be more comfortable in his own body. He hopes just to sleep well at least once. Maybe one night Heechul will let him sleep just to get his strength back. Kyuhyun doesn’t know, he just knows that the nights feel like eternities and he thinks he’s slowly going mad.
Heechul tries to stay up with him but always ends up falling asleep in the end. Kyuhyun can’t blame him, it’s natural for the body to want to sleep after all. But for Kyuhyun, whenever he begins to drift off he is kicked or gets a false contraction or just feels miserable from indigestion. It’s so frustrating that he wants to cry because he’s exhausted. He desperately wants to sleep, so, so badly but he just can’t. It’s torturous.
Kyuhyun finds himself more irritated at work than normal. At first he just felt achey, which isn’t abnormal for him so he decides just to push through. He’s his usual combination of hungry, cranky, tired and achy. He spends most days now looking at the clock, wishing it was time to go home already. He has a few more weeks before he goes on maternity leave. He could take some leave earlier but the longer he waits it out the more leave he’ll have once the baby is born. He thinks that he’ll want it more then. This sucks but he can make it work.
Maternity leave will be great though. He imagines being able to lie down during the day when he gets tired. Now he just has to sit at his desk and force himself to stay awake. If he has a poor sleep the night before he can try to make it up during the day. Maternity leave low-key sounds like paradise.
Kyuhyun is beginning to feel like all that he is to other people is just an incubator. Whenever people talk to him, at work, or on the bus or something all they want to talk about is the baby. And Kyuhyun understands that it is exciting, he sometimes just wants to have a regular conversation… he’d even take talking about the weather. It’s just that he has an identity outside of being pregnant. People used to see him as an individual, not a baby-carrier. Now he feels like that’s all he is to the outside world and it’s frustrating.
“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children”
-Eric Draven (The Crow)
___
I am not a mother myself and I don’t wish to become one, but I am a daughter and a sister, a child of a broken home, as many others, I’m someone who witnessed and endured several common mistakes our parents made with my younger sister and I, but also, someone who knows with complete certainty those mistakes weren’t conscious.
So, once again I’m trying to convey what I’ve learned through what this brave woman shared with the world, with the main goal to help others and prevent them from going through what she and some other mothers, fathers, siblings and families have suffered unnecessarily.
I firmly believe Sue isn’t guilty or responsible for the crime her younger son perpetrated 20 years ago, tho, I know she committed some serious mistakes, out of ignorance, about the struggles that young man was enduring right before his suicide.
That’s why I pictured here what she tried to be for him as for his older brother: just the best mom she could, maybe not a perfect one and not even the one her son needed at that time, but the absolute best she could and that’s something no one, not even him and what he did, can take away from her.
