#richard i

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aethelfleds:

I have ingested nyquil so I am doing this

Alfred the Great: buys just enough canned food and duct tape to the point where you’re not overly concerned but you are pretty sure he’s a doomsday prepper

Aethelflaed: fills three carts with snack cakes, those church basement paper cups, and generic brand soda because no one can negotiate a surrender on an empty stomach

Athelstan: that is far too much coffee 

Aethelred the Unready: just buying every single item on his wife’s list. This is the fourth store he’s been to because Emma is very specific.

Cnut: only came here for all his Special Haircare Products

William the Conqueror: fills up a cart and just leaves without paying. just fucking books it to the parking lot I hate him

Matilda: comes in with three rowdy boys, tells them to not ask for ANYTHING, buys an armload of 5-hour energies, leaves with two rowdy boys

Henry II: walks around the store eating a bag of grapes he has not bought while Eleanor does the actual shopping

Richard I: will find a way to talk about his study abroad last year with the deli guy if it kills him. Is also texting his mom to ask what groceries he needs to buy because he has no idea

John: verbally berating everyone in customer service because they won’t let him return a dented can of peas that expired 7 years ago

Edward I: tries to use a 24 year old coupon to buy lentils in bulk (he doesn’t even like lentils?) and knocks over an elaborate pepsi display in a fit of rage 

Edward II: has his card declined and demands to know why the cashier had to be so loud about it

Edward III: says “guess it’s FREE THEN HAHAHA!!!” when an item doesn’t scan right away. several items do not scan. Gets a veteran’s discount.

Richard II: that’s uhhh… a lot of advil there buddy 

Henry V: also has his card declined but drops the “DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS” line, is dressed like lucky luciano 

Henry VI: begins to panic when Margaret leaves him in line for two minutes because she forgot eggs. the line is moving quickly…so quickly

Edward IV: he has one cart filled with wine. Elizabeth Woodville has another filled with kid cuisines. 

Henry VII: pulls out the fattest binder you have ever seen and it’s filled with coupons. His transactions usually take 2 hours and he tsks the entire time. 

Henry VIII: buys bags of charcoal and dog food just so he can pick them all up and be like “yeah this isn’t even heavy to me I don’t even feel it” also buys condoms and laughs nervously 

Edward VI: literally just buying root vegetables even though he’s 9 because he is so weird

Mary I: just coming in for her weekly supply of “praying for you” cards, always gives exact change thank you mary 

Elizabeth I (if these even count as medieval anymore): no longer allowed to do her own shopping after the sweet n low incident. Now a personal shopper gets her groceries for her. it is robert dudley 

lochiels: History Meme: 01/- Today in History | The Treaty of Jaffa: 2nd of September 1192In Junlochiels: History Meme: 01/- Today in History | The Treaty of Jaffa: 2nd of September 1192In Jun

lochiels:

History Meme: 01/-Today in HistoryThe Treaty of Jaffa: 2nd of September 1192

In June 1192 Crusaders under the command of Richard the Lionheart marched on to Jerusalem, but they were turned back. The Crusader efforts were seriously hampered by the Muslim’s leader Saladin’s scorched-earth tactics, which denied the Crusaders food and water during their campaign. The Battle of Jaffa came soon after wards becoming a decisive encounter. The battle illustrated the determined spirit of Saladin and the courage and tactical skill of Richard. It ended up being the final battle of the Third Crusade and led Saladin to negotiate. The Treaty of Jaffa was signed on the 2nd of September in the year 1192 and had put an end to the hostilities of the Third Crusade. The negotiation was clever, Christian pilgrims were granted special rights of travel around Palestine and in Jerusalem. Richard had also managed to capture the cities of Daron, Jaffa, Acre, and Ascalon - an improvement over the situation when Richard first arrived, but not much of one. Although the Kingdom of Jerusalem was never large or secure, it was then still very weak and did not reach inland more than 10 miles at any point. Later in October 1192, King Richard returned home to England. The Third Crusade had ended.
(inspiration)


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This badass here was the coolest woman of the Middle Ages. She was the daughter of William X, duke o

This badass here was the coolest woman of the Middle Ages. She was the daughter of William X, duke of Aquitaine and Count of Poitiers. When she was fifteen, her daddy died and she inherited his lands. She married Louis VII and became queen of France. She accompanied her husband to the Holy Land on a crusade, where she is rumored to have cheated on him (possibly with her uncle Raymond of Poitiers). Her and her ladies dressed as Amazons and were badasses, but the Second Crusade was a disaster. Louis was not only a boring lover, he was also at the time an ineffectual military leader. Under the pretext of consanguinity (they were third cousins) and the wife’s supposed inability to bear sons (they had two daughters together), Eleanor was repudiated. She said kthanxbye and bounced with her lands. Some dude tried to kidnap her and force her to marry him but she was like HELL NO. She married Henry, Duke of Normandy, who was eleven years younger than her (what a cougar! and she might have had an affair with his father prior to their wedding). Two years later, Henry became king of England. Throughout their marriage, she gave him five sons and three daughters (in your face, Louis!). She supported her sons in their rebellion against their father, so Henry imprisoned her for sixteen years. When Henry died, Eleanor’s favorite son, Richard the Lionheart, became king and released his mommy at once. Aged approximatively 67 at the time of her liberation, she became queen dowager. She died at 82 years old! She is, to my knowledge, the only woman to have ever been queen of France and of England. Three of her sons ruled over England (Henry, Richard and John), and two of her daughters were also queens (Eleanor and Joan). Throughout history, people have accused her of every vice (notably to have poisoned Henry’s mistress, the Fair Rosamund) but such allegations are false and were only invented in attempt to discredit a queen who, in a time where so little opportunities were given to women, displayed great fierceness and power.


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