it started out as a random edit and̸̰͚̞̎̀̽̋͠ ̶̖̚͜t̵̲̖̩̑͊̑̋̆̚̚͜u̷̠̱̠̠͌̀̎̈́̃̚r̵̼̥̗̎͠͠n̵̢͇͙̣̯̱̈̽̑̈́̽͒͘e̵̡̝̭͋̀͗͑d̶̮̺͓̙̳͔̃̑̍́̇͐̿ͅ ̷̨̡̖͕̠̪̬̘̬̀͝ï̷̺̯̳͍͖̝̥̿͂̈́̀̽̃̾̿ͅn̷̢̢͍̺̮̯̗̭͍̊͑̒̄̊͌̾͌̅̑̂͑̓͑͌͝t̴̨͍̤͉̘̥͍̒͆̂̾͐͗̕͝o̴̧̮̬̺̦̗̜͔̗̗̒̅͗̇ ̶̧͎̻̝̯̩̜̬͙̹̮̯́̀̾͐̽̍̍̈́͜s̶̢̛̛̛̳͚͈͎̄́̂̀̂̎̽̓̔̈́̄̇́̓̃̄͌̀͋̋̉̚͠͝͝͠ǫ̷͖̩̘͉̹͉̙̣̗̻͇͚̱͚̼͔̱̣͚̻̆̒͒̇͗̃̑̈́͊̊͂̏͌̇̀̀̍͜͝m̸̢̧̯̩̩̹͓̦̤̫͇̺͙̞͖͚͎̜̅̿̇̂̏̔̔͗̃̈̄̅͐̄͑͒͒͒̀̆̾̈́̀̊͌̋͆̚̚͘͝ę̷̡̛̛̦̪̥̪͙̠̻̝̭͕̙͖̱̖̝̣͖̮̩̦̺̰͎̹̙̰͇͍͚͚̭̘̼̘̟̬̲̳͚̤͈͇̖̈́̉͊͊̀̈́̈́̄͌͒̊̊͊̋̋̅̓͗͐͆̾̿̀͆́͆͗͘̕͘̕͝͝͝t̴̘̖̼͔̓͒̾̊̓̈̄͆̆̿̋͊̎̋͒̈́̅͌͂́̄͛̇͆̽̕̕͜͝͝h̸̨͇̟̞̤͉͍̠̺̫̠̤̭̪̣̳̯͕̦͌̈̔͂̌́̌̚ï̷̢̧̨̹̜̗͓̙͚̦͕̞̮̟̱͔͇̹͖̺͔̝̭̹̰̰̗̟͓͓͍̫̘̜̝̯͙̂ͅͅn̸̳̯̬͙̻͙̝̮̖̹͉̹̙̣̱̪͔̫̪̖̳̠̉̋̈̑̾͌̃͐̔͋̂̐͆́̾͌͂͆͐̾̒̌̀͑͗̀͒̅̂͘͘͘̚̕̚͝g̷̢̡̢͙͓̱̻̫̭̝͕͙̯͎̲̘̝͓̦̬̭̞̱̤͈̹͉̭̞̈́͌̀͆̒̔͂̓͂̐͒͂̒̎̆͒̃̒̾͂͗̈́͆̓̎̇͊̔͑̇̿̈̍͌̈́͒͌͌͛̏̚͝͝͝ͅ ̶̨̡̨̨̛̞͍͍̰͇͇͖͉̘̟̥͓̯̰̙̥̘̝̲̹̭̖̳̭̫̟̫̭͚͙̪̲̪͔̤̫̭̗̤̭̭̇̐̑̒̽͊̍̀͌͑̄̈́̇̂̈́̆̐̋̓̆̔̅̾̓́̅͆̆͐̽̾̾̽̇̏́̀͒̕͘̕ͅͅh̶̛̲̫̊̿̿̃̂̐͆̇͌̓͊͑͂̽̎̊̀̓̅̌̀̿̇̓͑͘̚͘̚͝͝͠͝͝ͅö̵̢̳͓̻̝̱͈̰̖̫̫̭͇̟̺̱̫͉̰̤͎̝͖͍͕̟͓̣̫̥́̀̒̍͌̈͐̾̏͛͜͝ȑ̵̡̨̢̨̢̰̭̦̦͓̣̰͇͈̱̯͇͍̩̻͇͔͚̹͔̼̲̘̹̅͂̒̈́͛͗͋̓̿́ͅͅr̵̢̛̦̜͙̲̦͉̮̱̱͉̙͚̪̯̦̻̻̗̞̼̙̈́̀̇̉̽̅͂̈́̽̍̉̄̔̈́̄͂̂͋͊̈̀̐̏̒͗͊͌̐̄̃̎̕͜͝͝͠͝͠i̵͔͇̩͙͓̇͐̔̀̈́͐̒̅̓̐͆̏̉̄̀̆̇̾̎̀̎͂̑̽̔̊̎̍͛̚̚̕̕͘͝͝͠͝b̷̢̡̧̞͇̞̤̥̠͎̝̼͈͔̠̯̪͎̞̹̩͕̦̒̿̈́́̃̀̐̍̓̾̒̓́͂͂̍͌̆̎̃̔̿̈́̽͋̽̽͊̚͘ͅḻ̶̝͎̠̻͉̠̝̦̱̰̲͉̲̍̐̾̆̉͜ͅͅḙ̶̡̩̺̋͂̓̾̾̅̌͛́̈́̀̐̂̀̈́̾̾͐̾̈́̔͠͠
I’m doing this because I’m currently working on chapter four of Memories and I just want to show a very smallpart of what I’m doing :D
———————————————————————–
Saiki misses how easy it was—and oh, how he hates that it was— to be himself around Akechi, how the blonde never treated him any differently after knowing about his powers, how he treated him like anormalperson despite admiring his abilities, how he made him feel like normal person even if just for some seconds. He misses how Akechi could read him like an open book, how he could be his stoic and admittedly cold self without worrying about hurting his friend’s feeling by accident, because Akechi knew he cared, he misses that he could act the way he wanted and show emotion the way he wanted knowing that his friend didn’t care if he wasn’t expressive, didn’t care that he didn’t show emotions like others, didn’t care he wasn’t like others, he misses howeasily Akechi simply accepted him, no idealized version of himself that just exist on his mind, no wishful thinking that someday he would be more bold or affectionate, no whish of changing anything about him. He misses how Akechi understood how difficult it was for him to show his care, his feelings and how he never pressured him.
Now he has to be careful, again, to not let Akechi know about his powers yet, now he is still treated like a normal person, but now Akechi doesn’t know and now he is also treated like a stranger, now Akechi isconfusedbecause people tells him he and Saiki were close, but the boy he is getting to know is distant and stoic so he doesn’t know how they were close, he is confused because now he doesn’t know that despite seeming distant and cold Saiki cares, he doesn’t know that Saiki’s short answers and apparent dismissals are his ways of showing emotions because is hard for him and is the only way he knows how to, now when he hears what may seem like a cold reply or a response to spare his feeling he takes them as such, because now hedoesn’t know Saiki, he can’t hear the true meaning behind his short or snarky answers. Now he doubts his closeness with Saiki because he doesn’t remember what he knew of him, who he is, the important stuff that made him understood Saiki like nobody else could.
He misses how genuineAkeci was, people has internal thoughts that doesn’t want to be heard by anybody, parts of themselves they hide under a facade, sometimes their entire being, sometimes they have hidden intentions, but Akechi has to be the most genuine person Saiki has ever met, his inner self was never too different from his outside self, he always made his intentions clear an very rarely he had second purposes, the only things he ever hide from the world were things that hurt him, things he tried to hide from himself too. He misses how Akechi simply was.
Now, don’t get him wrong, is not like Akechi isn’t genuine anymore, that hasn’t changed, but now his mind— despite being as fast as always and full of knowledge of so many things— is too preoccupied with trying to remember, to make sense of his new reality, he doesn’t have time to simply be, his thoughts are too full of questions, about himself, about his relationships, of doubts, of confusion, of fear, because no matter how calm he manages to look from the outside the truth is that all this is new and is scary, is too much, there are things he doesn’t understand, things that he feels but can’t for the life of him understand why he feels them because he doesn’t remember, and because this is Akechi— and of course this is of the few things that remains the same— he doesn’t want to be a burden more than he already feels so he hides his fear to not worry anyone, and this time he can’t just call him out of it because he can’t reveal his power, not now, and that is frustrating, because he knows his friend is also tired, is also hurting but he can’t do nothing to help and he hates it.
Saiki also misses Akechi’s Sunday visits, it’s funny how at the very beginning he would have payed to be spare of the blonde’s— at the time— unwanted visits, he didn’t take on account that with time he would get used to them, or so he thought because now that he doesn’t have a small blond making him company and playing silly games with him on Sundays he realizes he just didn’t got used to those visits, no, he actually came to enjoy them. He took them for granted and is kicking his own ass for it, because despite his distaste of emotions and his reluctance to show them hedoeshave them, and he can acknowledge that he has friends and that they are important to him and among all of his friends he can at least recognize that Akechi has a very important place, so he can accept he misses him on Sundays along with all the other things he misses about him.
Those all revelations were hard to have, because he never thought he would miss something about his friend, because he never thought he would lose him again, he has never felt that way, he has never experienced that kind of lost he did, when he left Akechi the first time but he refuses to think about it, he is not ready and he doesn’t know if he ever will, it took a while for him to accept it and when he did he was tired. So. Fucking. Tired.
Ugh, emotions are hard and too complicated.
He is also very sick of all the past tense statements about their relationship. He swears if he hears “Kusuo and youwerevery good friends” one more time he will snap something. Because every time he hears how theywere friends, how they used to be close, every time words that make it look like he isn’t important for the little genius anymore are spoken, he feels that heavy and painful thing on his chest appear and grow. Every. Single. Time.
He is sick of it, he is tired of it, he is tempted to go back in time and avoid all of this from happening, but his last attempt of changing the past reminds him that it won’t be an easy solution, that he could make it worse somehow. So he decides to take the long path, to be patient.
He is so fucking exhausted of being patient. They are all so fucking tired of being patient.
If Saiki were a selfish person, he wouldn’t be looking out for you.
If Saiki were a selfish person, he would avoid being with you to save himself from your problems.
If Saiki were a selfish person then he would ignore your fears and your constant imaginary scenarios where you are robbed or harassed. But it doesn’t. He cares.
If Saiki were a selfish person, he wouldn’t bother walking you home or making sure you got there safely when he couldn’t accompany you.
If Saiki were a selfish person he wouldn’t do anything when you are about to have a panic attack. You could take advantage of that to lose class hours. But he doesn’t, Saiki doesn’t sit idly by, he pushes away thoughts of the lack of air in the room and replaces them with good things. He reminds you that when you get home you can eat your favorite dessert while watching TV.
If Saiki were a selfish person, he would pretend that he doesn’t listen to your negative and self-destructive thoughts. But he doesn’t ignore you and makes one of your friends or classmates remind you that you are important and loved.
If you knew everything Saiki does for you, you would thank him and tell him that Aiura is wrong. He is not selfish.
I made a kofi so if you want you can help me by giving me a tip or asking for a commission: https://ko-fi.com/mai_dragoste
