#sexual desire
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You had a secret foot fetish. You didn’t want anyone to know. You were searching for feet princesses you could get off to. You found my friend. You get off to her and the feet fantasies you pay her for. Unfortunately, she is married. She does a mental checklist of who would match perfectly with you. She knows of one that could be your dream girl — me. She gushes about you to me. She goes on about your gorgeous features and your “too-good-to-be-true-cuz-you’re-so-good-looking” personality. It was hard to believe as it is very rare to find a man acquire both good looks and an award-winning personality. She showed me your instagram and I was instantly wet. Your sparkling blue eyes. Your smile. That beard. I could get lost in your curly hair. That body. Loving the tattoos. I was interested to know more about you. She gave me your IG handle and I friended you. You accepted and friended me back. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to say or how to begin to say it. I talked myself out of messaging because I thought I wasn’t your type. I had let it go and thought I can just admire from afar.
Well, little did I know she was gushing about me to you. You were equally interested and curious. You messaged me and we began talking. We spoke about EVERYTHING. Family, backstory, aspirations, fantasies. I knew I wanted to be yours. I wanted to belong to only you. I fantasized what it would be like to go on our first date. What it would be like to have sex with you. How big you were. How freaky you are. You told me you love feet and tickling. I wanted to be whatever you desired. I wanted to be the woman that could make your fantasies a reality. You arranged for us to meet. I didn’t know what to expect. You love to cook so you decided we were going to have dinner at your place. You asked me what wines I enjoy so you could pair it with the entree. That night, I met you at your loft. We had sparkling conversation over an amazing meal. I had teased you about the way you said something. You dove into me and started tickling me with fury. I couldn’t breathe from laughter and uncontrollable pokes played on my ribcage with your fingers. Before I know it, you kissed me passionately on the lips and locked on for a minute. It just escalated from there. You lifted me into you and pressed my body in. We were making out full force while I was running my fingers through your delicious, curly hair and you were grabbing hold of my big ass. I was so wet that I felt my juices dripping down. I was ready for you. You laid me into your bed and removed my dress. You gently laid your playful tongue on my nipples and kissed them. You began planting kisses downward to my navel and my thighs. Then I felt the soft caresses of your fingers on my pussy. Making me moan softly. I’m completely drenched between my thighs. We couldn’t wait any longer. I wanted to feel your demigod, thick cock deep inside me and you wanted to feel my tight, little Asian pussy around your cock. You teased your tip around my pussy lips, making me wild with anticipation. I was ready to take every inch of you in. And you did. You pushed every inch deep inside me. I couldn’t help but moan and scream out how good you felt inside me. You put me in doggystyle position and I felt every inch of your hard cock. With every thrust, my pussy swelled up and sucked your cock back in me. I wasn’t expecting it, but you gave an explosive load deep inside me. Feeling every vein as you unload your cum into me. It felt euphoric. You wanted to still go at it and we fucked until you came a couple more times that night. What an amazing night. You are my dream cum true.
My libido is hard to keep up with. It’s difficult to find someone who is my equal. I could fuck all day everyday if I found a guy who could go rounds with me. Cum find me…
In long-term relationships, partners’ sex drives are bound to get out of sync from time to time. That’s normal and not a cause for concern unless it becomes a persistent issue that starts putting significant stress and strain on the relationship. When this happens, it’s known as a sexual desire discrepancy.
Desire discrepancies are common. For instance, a nationally representative British sex survey found that about 1 in 4 adults in relationships reported experiencing this issue in the past year alone.
So what can you do if you’re in a sexual relationship where you and your partner want drastically different amounts or types of sex?
I spoke with Drs. Lori BrottoandKristen Mark about this subject on recent episodes of the Sex and Psychology Podcast. Both of them are experts in the area of sexual desire. Here are some of the key things theytold me:
As a starting point, look at this as a couple issue rather than a problem specific to one partner. When partners start blaming and shaming one another for wanting “too much” or “not enough” sex, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. In other words, think of this as a relationship issue that you need to address together—don’t go it alone (in fact, Kristen’s research finds that couple-focused strategies are far more successful than individual strategies).
Next, identify any potential health issues or stressors that might be tamping down desire, such as chronic fatigue or bringing a new baby into the picture. Sometimes people need to address those issues before addressing their sexual issues because they may be inextricably linked. In other words, there might be value in speaking with your doctor, re-evaluating your work-life balance, or otherwise getting a handle on the factors that might be affecting your libido before anything else.
From there, communication is key. Our partners don’t necessarily always know what we like and want—so if we expect them to be mind-readers, they’re going to get it wrong sometimes. And sometimes that’s the thing that puts a damper on desire: our partners aren’t giving us what we want because we haven’t told them what we want.
So in some cases, partners need to spend time sharing their desires and teaching each other what does and doesn’t feel good. It’s normal to not want sex that isn’t meeting your needs—but if you can improve the quality of the sex you’re having, that can help stimulate desire for more.
As you communicate about this, do so in a healthy and productive way. For instance, if you’re feeling sexually frustrated, being confrontational with your partner can ultimately make things worse. You might end up pushing your partner further away and, in the process, making the desire discrepancy even bigger. In short, be careful not to escalate the conflict.
Something else that can help is scheduling sex or having regular date nights. I know planned sex doesn’t sound sexy to everyone because many of us think that sex is “supposed” to be spontaneous. However, planned sex has some advantages over spontaneity. For one thing, you have time for anticipation (and arousal) to build. For another, you have time to get in the right headspace so that you can fully enjoy yourself. When sex is on the schedule, we can plan the rest of our lives around it so that we have less interference and fewer distractions.
Planned sex also affords the opportunity to build your partner’s arousal. You can flirt for hours—maybe even days—in advance. This can help increase the odds that you’ll both be in the mood when the time comes.
While sexual desire discrepancies are common and may, at times, feel hopeless, it should be reassuring to know that there is a lot you can to do manage these situations in healthy and satisfying ways.
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
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Virtual reality (VR) pornography is a small but growing market in the adult industry. As the cost of this technology comes down in price and becomes more accessible to a wider consumer base, its growth is only likely to accelerate. However, as VR porn becomes more widespread, we’re also likely to hear more and more questions raised about how it impacts people, and whether its impact is similar to or different from two-dimensional (2D) porn.
Currently, only a small handful of studies have explored the impact of VR porn, so there’s a lot we don’t yet know. However, a recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that the psychological impact of VR porn is quite distinct from 2D porn.
For this study, researchers recruited a group of 50 heterosexual men aged 18-60. All participants watched two videos, each on a separate day. One was a VR video, while the other was in 2D. Both videos were the same length and depicted the same sex act: a threesome involving one man and two women from the male first-person perspective.
Participants completed a survey during and after the film about their feelings of sexual arousal and desire. Saliva samples were also collected before and after the films to test for levels of oxytocin, a hormone that plays a role in feelings of bondedness to others.
It turned out that the VR porn was perceived very differently from the 2D porn. Specifically:
Levels of sexual and bodily arousal were higher when watching VR porn.
Feelings of sexual desire for the actresses were higher in the VR condition.
Participants felt more connected to the performers and had more desire to interact with them in the VR condition. They also felt more desired, flirted with, and that the performers were looking them in the eye when watching VR porn.
VR porn was seen as less boring and participants felt more like they were the male actor.
Both types of porn were linked to greater oxytocin release, but levels did not significantly differ based on type of video. The researchers had expected to find that VR porn would be linked to more oxytocin release, but that wasn’t the case. This was particularly interesting to me because I’ve long wondered about oxytocin release during porn viewing—and whether it might play a role in why some people feel very bonded to specific performers. Do people who develop attachments to specific porn performers tend to release more oxytocin? This would be an interesting question to explore in future research.
Lastly, greater oxytocin levels at baseline (prior to watching porn) were linked to perceiving more intensity of eye contact in the VR condition, which suggests that there is some role of oxytocin in how people perceive and experience VR porn.
This study offers a preliminary look at the psychological impact of VR porn and has several limitations, including the fact that only heterosexual men were studied and participants did not get to select their own porn (and therefore could not customize it for their tastes). Further research is needed to better understand how different groups of people experience this kind of porn.
That said, these results suggest that VR porn is indeed perceived quite differently from 2D porn in terms of creating a greater illusion of intimacy. Whether that is considered positive or negative will be hotly debated.
Some will argue that feeling intimacy from porn is yet another way that technology will ultimately push us apart. Likewise, some may see porn that produces more feelings of intimacy as a bigger relationship threat, meaning they might be more likely to categorize it as cheating/infidelity. However, others will point to beneficial or potentially therapeutic applications—for example, could this type of porn help people learn to deal with sexual performance anxiety by creating intimacy without fear of rejection?
What do you think? Weigh in with your comments below!
Want to learn more about Sex and Psychology? Click herefor more from the blog or here to listen to the podcast. Follow Sex and PsychologyonFacebook, Twitter (@JustinLehmiller), or Reddit to receive updates. You can also follow Dr. Lehmiller on YouTubeandInstagram.
To learn more about this research, see: Dekker, A., Wenzlaff, F., Biedermann, S. V., Briken, P., & Fuss, J. (2020). VR Porn as “Empathy Machine”? Perception of Self and Others in Virtual Reality Pornography. The Journal of Sex Research.
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Remember that attraction and desire are separate things. And having a desire for sex or romance doesn’t make you any less asexual or aromantic.
