#sexual attraction
Physical attraction is linked to heightgenes
Scientists have discovered that who you find attractive is partly down to the genes affecting your height.
In a study of more than 13,000 heterosexual couples they found that 89% of the genetic variation that controls a person’s height also influences their height preference in a partner.
Generally people are attracted to partners of similar heights to themselves.
Did you know that our choice in partners can have important consequences for human populations? This study brings us closer to understanding the complexity of sexual attraction and the mechanisms that drive variation in humans.
Images: Susana Fernandez, Boris SV
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Sexual Attraction: “I want to do the sex with you.”
Romantic Attraction: “I want to date you and be cute and maybe cuddle and kiss you.”
Aesthetic Attraction: “You look hella great and I appreciate your face.”
Remember that attraction and desire are separate things. And having a desire for sex or romance doesn’t make you any less asexual or aromantic.
You might be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You think sexual thoughts about the person out of nowhere
- You feel aroused upon seeing the person outside of a sexual setting
- You find yourself wondering what the person is like in bed and what their genitals look like
- You want to have sex with that person because your body is screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- Seriously though if you’re already horny and that person is there you will feel all hot and sexually aroused and might drool a bit and fantasies of doing X-rated things to that person will fly through your mind and your body will literally be screaming for that person to take you or for you to take that person. Even just thinking about that person while horny can do this to you.
- TMI but if you get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, the orgasms can be absolutely mind-blowing and may even give you leg cramps.
- You really do “just know.”
You might not be sexually attracted to that person if…
- You make a conscious effort to fantasize about sex with that person, mainly to see if you actually want to
- You feel aroused during a sexual situation, but that arousal has more to do with the activities instead of the specific person. Alternatively, you just don’t feel aroused at all.
- You feel aroused at random, but it’s directed towards no one
- You want to have sex with that person because you want to make them happy or are just horny and want to get off with a partner or want babies or want money or literally any other reason aside from your body screaming for sex with that one person in particular.
- TMI but if you try to get off while fantasizing about you having sex with that person, you may get bored and start thinking of other things. Or, you may start fantasizing about that person doing sexual things that don’t involve you in which case aegosexual might be worth looking into.
- You just don’t know.
If the “you might be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly asexual.
If the “you might not be sexually attracted” list boggles your mind, you are possibly not asexual.
If you can relate to the “might not be sexually attracted” list, but also feel like you’ve experienced some of the things on the “might be sexually attracted” list, it may be worth checking out some acespec identities.
(Disclaimer: This is strictly based off of my own experiences as acespec and is meant to be a guide for people questioning sexual attraction. Overall, you know yourself best and I’m not gonna tell you what you’re feeling or how to identify.)
These types of lists are always so helpful!
A big one too, I think is, you may fantasize, but the people in your fantasies are never YOU. They’re fictional characters or your OCs but they’re never you specifically. And if they are it’s an idealized version of you.
That top list makes me realize I’ve never experienced any of that, it’s kinda like when I stumbled into an ask Reddit about what sexual attraction felt like and I went “yeah, I have never felt THAT way and whatever I feel isn’t sexual attraction”
here it is, the info I’ve always wanted to see, breaking down attraction vs not-attraction in intense, analytical detail
Here’s a few more for aces who do experience aesthetic attraction and who aren’t repulsed, because goodness knows these are the ones that confused me when I was figuring things out.
If you have sexual fantasies that involve things being in a certain situation or having things done to you, but you aren’t visualizing anything or imagining specific people, you might not experience sexual attractionIf you’ve ever had the thought “masturbation is better than sex because it is more efficient and skips the boring bits,” you might not experience sexual attraction.
If you find someone attractive, but the thought of seeing them with their clothes off isn’t more attractive, it probably isn’t sexual attraction. (A naked body is just a naked body. But people are so lovely when in a look they’ve picked out to express themselves.)
If you occasionally notice body parts considered sexual and think they look nice, but do not want to do anything sexual related to those parts, it might not be sexual attraction. (I will occasionally think someone has nice boobs or a nice butt, and I assumed that was sexual attraction for a long time. But I’ve learned that for allo people, thinking those things leads to them having a response of “therefore I want to tap that” which is absolutely baffling to me. Also, again, those thoughts don’t lead to “and therefore I want to see them without clothing.”
If your response to something that seems to be making others horny is very similar to your response to those videos of “oddly satisfying” things, it might not be sexual attraction.
…..oh.
The following is an imaginary conversation.
“So, I’m grey-aromantic and demisexual. That means that I only rarely feel romantic attraction to people, and I only feel sexual attraction to someone after I form an emotional connection with them, and even then, it’s pretty rare.”
“But that’s just how everyone is. It’s totally normal to not get crushes on people that often, and I like to get to know people before I want to have sex with them, too.”
“Okay, you’ve brought up a couple different things here. First, there’s a difference between feeling sexual attraction and wanting to have sex with someone. You can feel attraction to a person and decide not to have sex with them until you get to know them. But I don’t feel that sexual attraction at all when I meet someone. Second, sure, it’s normal for me to not get crushes on people that often, and maybe it’s normal for you, too, but it’s not normal for everyone. Just look at all the movies that are about love at first sight.”
“That’s just fiction. That doesn’t really happen to real people.”
“Fiction can be sensational, but it’s inspired by reality. If it had nothing to do with reality, then people wouldn’t be interested, and it wouldn’t sell, and they’d stop making it. But, okay, let’s focus on reality. Real people talk about their crushes all the time. It’s basically all anyone wanted to talk about at my high school – who liked who, who was dating who, how much they loved this celebrity or that celebrity. Was it like that with the people you went to school with, too?”
“Yeah! It could get really annoying. But they were just exaggerating. Teenagers make such a big deal out of everything.”
“Ha! They do. I know I did. So maybe they were exaggerating about how strong their crushes were. But when someone tells me what they’re experiencing, I think it’s important to believe them. And if they’re describing something that doesn’t line up with my own experience, then it’s even more important to believe them.”
“What do you mean?”
“Okay, so, did you know that I don’t have a sense of smell?”
“Really?”
“Really. Born without. Never had it. You could fart right now, and if I didn’t hear it, then I wouldn’t know.”
“That sounds super convenient, actually.”
“It can be. The thing is, I have no idea what it’s like to smell. That’s not a part of my experience at all. So, like, you’re telling me that it’s possible for you to just walk into a room and know what’s for dinner? Without seeing it? You just know? From the air? Like magic?”
“It does sound like magic, when you put it like that.”
“I know, right? Sounds pretty sus! But if I’d gone my whole life saying that smell wasn’t real, if I told everyone that they were lying or delusional because they said they could smell… what would that make me?”
“A jerk.”
“Exactly! I’d be a real jerk. Stuck in my own head, unable to imagine that other people might experience the world differently. So, instead, when someone tells me that they feel something that I don’t feel, or that they feel it more often than I feel it, or more strongly, I believe them. And I hope that they extend me the same courtesy – that they believe me, too, when I tell them that my experience is different from what they experience.”
“But what you described before, how you experience attraction, that didn’t sound different than what I experience.”
“Well, being able to talk about this stuff means that it’s possible to find people who experience the world the same way that you do, or at least in a similar way. That’s why I like these labels so much. They help me find other aro-ace people to talk to.”
“Are you saying I’m aro-ace?”
“I’m not going to try to say what you are. I’m not inside your head. You get to describe your experience the way you want to. But if you find that these labels are useful to you like they’re useful to me, I’d be happy to talk with you about it, as much or as little as you want.”
Every expression of sensual attraction isn’t necessarily dependent on “romantic love.”
Expressions of romantic attraction shouldn’t come with an inherent expectation of sexual attraction.
One form of attraction should not be inherently interpreted as a precursor to another.
I wish attraction and wanting to have a significant relationship weren’t so inextricably linked together, and the latter wasn’t assumed to fail without the presence of the former.
If you’re tired of explaining your sexual/romantic attraction to others clap your hands
If you’re tired of explaining your sexual/romantic attraction to others clap your hands!
If you’re tired of explaining your sexual/romantic attractions to others when it’s really a topic that should be taught at a young age instead of being swept under the rug and made into this weird subculture that’s ridiculed and shamed by ignorant jackasses who don’t want to put in the effort to understand because deep down change scares them clap your hands!!
a question for my fellow demiromantics and demisexuals!
when you’ve developed an emotional bond with someone and the famous ✨attractions✨ are experienced: which comes first for you? romantic or sexual? both at the same time? Or has it happened that you only feel one and not the other with different people? Tell me all about your demirose experiences!!
Alloros and alloces can also reply too! As a demiromantic, do you experience sexual attraction first? And as a demisexual do you experience romantic attraction first? Tell me about it too!
