#sims story

“I can’t come and get you, Mother. I have to leave here in twenty minutes to pick up the children from school,” says Georgina.

“Why don’t you get that…that goonyou live with to pick them up?” says Bunty, her voice prickly with irritation. Georgina closes her eyes and counts to ten. Behind her Vinnie is tucking into a slab of apple pie with noisy relish.

“You know, it would make more sense if Vinnie came to you,” Georgina says.

“Georgina, I’d rather drink a bottle of anti-freeze than be forced to endure more than a couple of seconds in that ghastly man’s company-“

“Please stop being so melodramatic, Mother. I’ll tell him to bring his tools. He’s a wonderful mechanic. He’d probably be able to fix your car straight away.”

This gives Bunty pause. She is always willing to push aside her value judgments of a person’s character if they can be of some use to her.

“Very well,” she says with a haughty sniff. “But only because you have left me with no other choice. And if he robs and murders me and dumps my body in a ditch, it will be all yourfault, Georgina!”

Vinnie: Mmmmm, something smells good….

He presses his mouth to Georgina’s bare shoulder and in one deft move hoists her on top of the counter, covering her face and neck in kisses as he slides his hand between her thighs. Georgina’s phone starts to ring just as he’s unbuttoning her jeans. She groans. 

Georgina: Are you kidding me? It’s Mother. God. Of course it’s Mother.

Vinnie: Go on, answer it. You know she won’t leave you alone until you speak to her.

Georgina sets her jaw and does up her jeans while Vinnie wanders off in the direction of the apple pie.

Georgina: Hello, Mother. Is everything alright?

Bunty: No, things are definitely notalright, Georgina! My car engine’s overheated in the middle of nowhere and I need you to come and get me! Now!

Today is Wednesday and Bunty has spent the morning ‘Wardrobe Wrangling’ with a group of farmers’ wives in the nearby hamlet of Butterfield, an hour’s drive from Appaloosa Plains. The poor things have no idea at all about layering, a critical life skill in Bunty’s opinion. She advises them to play around with proportions and textures, and now that the colder weather is coming she suggests they experiment with wearing two coats together to create ‘a warm and edgy vibe’ while milking the cows and feeding the livestock. They could also wear fishnets or neon tights under their dungarees for a ‘fun, playful look’! As always, the ladies seem stunned by her knowledge and expertise, and Bunty leaves feeling as if she has truly made a difference in their lives. Volunteer work is so satisfying and fulfilling!

A soft rain is falling as Bunty zooms along the town’s perimeter and towards the intersection that will take her back to Appaloosa Plains. She turns left and has been driving for ten minutes when she notices with a stab of dread a red warning light flashing on the instrument panel. Why do these annoyances always happen when one is in the middle of nowhere, with no garage for at least ten miles! Bunty pulls over and kills the engine, noticing that it has stopped raining. She gets out of the car and tries to call Ian, but he isn’t answering his phone. She leaves a terse message then calls Douglas. Douglas isn’t picking up either. Honestly, the men in this family are like waiters- neveraround when you want them!

“So did you do your assignment yesterday?” Phoebe asks Anya. “Or did you end up doing Roy instead?”

“I didn’t see him at all yesterday. And I handed in my assignment first thing this morning,” says Anya.

“Can you not smile while you’re eating?’ says Phoebe. “It’s creepy.”

“Sorry,” says Anya. “It’s just…he rang me last night and told me he’d bought us tickets to Broken Simlish’s concert. In three months’ time. In Paris.”

Phoebe’s eyebrows converge beneath her heavy black fringe. Anya slows her chewing.

“Do you know what’s happening?” says Phoebe. “You’re being love-bombed.”

“No I’m not,” says Anya. “Roy’s just a very generous person, that’s all. And he has money, so it’s probably not really that much of a big deal to him-“

“Your very first date with him lasted twenty-four hours,” says Phoebe. “You’ve already met his kids. And his best friend! And his ex-wife! Doesn’t that tell you something?”

“It tells me that we enjoyed each other’s company,” says Anya. “A lot. And I’ve only met two of his kids-“

“It should have told you that things are moving too quickly,” says Phoebe. “What’s going to happen tomorrow? Is he going to ask you to move in with him?”

“Oh, come on,” says Anya. “Seriously-“

“Buying tickets to a concert in Paris is just way too over-the-top. It’s another red flag. So is assuming that you’re still going to be together in three months’ time. He’s starting to sound like a narcissistic arsehat.”

“He is not. He’s a kind, generous person, that’s all,” says Anya.

Her phone dings. Phoebe’s eyes narrow triumphantly.

“Let me guess,” she says. “A text from the Love Bomber, telling you how much he loves you and can’t live without you.”

Anya stares at her screen. Phoebe is right about it being a text from Roy. She feels a dopamine-laced little bubble expand in her chest as she reads. She places the phone gently on the table and picks up her grilled cheese sandwich.  Not even the expression on Phoebe’s face can dampen her elation.

“Roy just asked me to be his date for the Sports Agent of the Year Awards on Friday night,” she says.

“That absolutefucker,” says Phoebe.

Anya and her best friend Phoebe are having lunch in the school cafeteria. Most days on the cafeteria menu there are special dishes cooked by students of the Culinary School, available for a discounted price. Phoebe is more adventurous than Anya and likes to sample the specials. Today she is trying the fried lentil and chili sausage bowl. Anya is nibbling a grilled cheese sandwich. They enjoy looking around the room and observing their fellow students while they eat.

“I can’t with Carolina’s jacket,” says Anya.

“Oh my God, it’s soooo two months ago,” says Phoebe.

“And did you notice Erica’s jeans? I mean, there’s cute boyfriend jeans, and then there’s… boyfriend jeans.”  

“Right?” says Phoebe. ”She always tries way too hard.”

“Is she talking to you yet?” says Anya.

“Nope,” shrugs Phoebe. “I don’t understand why she’s so angry with me, to be honest. I mean, I’d want to know if something I was wearing made me look fat. Wouldn’t you?”

“Totally!” says Anya.

Roy: Hey, you. I wasn’t sure if you were going to answer. Have you finished  your assignment?

Anya: Ugh, no. It’s probably going to take me another two hours at least. But I desperately needed a break, so…that was really good timing. What are you doing?

Roy: Just lounging around, listening to music, thinking about your, um…your beautiful personality.

Anya: Ha. Mypersonality. Sure.

Roy:Look, I don’t want to keep you from your studies for too long, but I just wanted to let you know that the music I was listening to was Broken Simlish’s new album. And I have to admit they’re not bad. Some of their songs are a bit too experimental for my taste, but I totally get why they’re your favourite band. I mean, their lyrics are really awesome. And the lead singer has an incredible voice. Though how she can sing at all with all those facial piercings is beyond me - 

Anya: You actually listened to Broken Simlish’s new album? Oh my God! ROY!! I’m so happy you like them! 

Roy: I love ‘em, babe. Anyway, I looked on the internet and they’re playing a concert in Paris in a few months’ time so I bought us a couple of tickets. Front row, naturally. It’s during school holidays so hopefully it won’t interfere with your studies too much. We can work out the deets later. Anyway, I’d better let you get back to your assignment. Ciao, bella!

“I think I’m in love with Anya,” says Roy.

“You thought you were in love with Saoirse,” says Joël. “…and look how thatturned out.” 

“I was in love with the ideaof being in love with Saoirse,” says Roy. “And with her freckles. I still miss her freckles. She had freckles everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Plus she introduced me to the greatest sex act ever known to man, so for that I owe her an enduring debt of gratitude. But even though the sex was awesome, there was still something missing. It was always…I dunno. I never felt she was committed 100%.”

“What about Naomi? You were totally in love with Naomi,” says Joël.

“Naomi cast some sort of spell over me,” says Roy. “I was powerless to resist, dude. She’s like one of those mythological sirens who used to lure sailors to their deaths. Or Satan. Every time I kissed her, an angel would have an aneurysm, I swear to God.”

“So what’s the deal with Anya?” says Joël. “Apart from her physical attributes.”

“Being around her just makes me feel good,” says Roy. “And she’s just so cool and down to earth. It didn’t even seem to bother her that first night when I couldn’t- ”

“Couldn’t what?”

“Nothing. And she was amazing with Henrietta, Henrietta loved her and you know what Henri’s like, she thinks everyone’s beneath contempt. And she’s affectionate, dude. I fucking love that. And it’s like she knows exactly what I’m feeling about stuff without me even telling her. Like we have this connection, you know? I’d always heard people talking about their connection and I always thought it was a huge wank but now I know exactly what-  

“When you couldn’t WHAT?” says Joël. 

“Dude, it was her father’s fault! He rang her just after we got back to my place and told her to make sure to use a condom. So, yeah. That was it. He got in both my heads, the evil fucking bastard-”

“So the first night you spent with Anya, you couldn’t get it up,” says Joël. “Dude.”

“Listen, Dropkick, I more than made up for it last night,” says Roy. “But the whole point of the story was, it didn’t even matter. Like we just really enjoyed each other’s company, somehow she still made me feel like a total baller-”

“Erectile dysfunction’s a growing problem,” snickers Joël.

“Ha-fucking-ha.”

“You could start a club. Except it would probably be a flop, and nobody would come.”  

“Glad you’re enjoying yourself at my expense, dude.”

“Yeah, it’s not hard,” says Joël.

Roy: Hey dude! What did you think of the pic? I was trying out a new angle. Do you think it’s better if I emphasise girth more, or length? I mean, I’m equally blessed in both departments, so-

Joël:I don’t know and I don’t care. Jesus. What the hell is wrong with you? STOP WITH THE DICK PICS, YOU PERVERTED SICKO.

Roy: That’s offensive. They’re not just pics for one thing, they’re art. They’re dick masterpieces, dude.

Joël: I’m too tired to have this conversation right now. Hey. When are you going to give me my car back?

Roy: When I get my car back, duh. Which might not be for another couple of days. What’s the problem? You can drive Anita’s car.

Joël: I don’t like Anita’s car.

Anita’s Chrysler belonged to Jim, Anita’s deceased ex husband. Joël yells at Brutus who is digging a hole in the lawn. Brutus ignores him.

Roy:Tough titties. Hey, speaking of titties, did I tell you how Anya has the most perfectly symmetrical areolas? And they’re like this amazing pale caramel colour. Everything about her’s incredible, dude.

Joël: So you’ve told me about a million times. Why don’t you send her your stupid dick pics instead of annoying me with them?

Roy:Because she’s supposed to be doing some assignment that’s due tomorrow and obviously if I send her dick pics she’ll be too distracted and horny to be able to concentrate.

Joël:Obviously.

Roy: Besides, her pyscho father would be just the type to go through her phone. If he saw I’d sent her dick pics he’d probably try and have me arrested or something.

Joël: Have I mentioned before how well I think I’d get along with Anya‘s father?

Roy:Shut up.

Joël:Youshut up.

Roy:I think I’m in love with Anya.

Joël: No, YOU shut up.

Joël: I’m sorry, what did you just say?

Joël takes Brutus outside and scrolls through his phone while he waits for the dog to do his business. The sun is setting, the garden slowly bathed in a golden pink light. Lots of people have texted him their congratulations and best wishes on the birth of his daughter. (His daughter!) He is suffused with warmth and tenderness, and feelings of hope and kindness and beneficence towards his fellow man.

Until his phone dings again to announce a picture text from Roy. 

Sunday 5.39 pm

Anita: You know, unless I’m actually looking at her or touching her, I can’t believe she’s real. Do you know what I mean? How did she get here? How did she actually come to exist?

Joël:Well, when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very, very much-

Anita: Darling, please don’t make fun of me! I’m too emotional at the moment to handle it!

Joël: Okay, I’m sorry. Yeah, I totally know what you mean. I’m still trying to process it too. The fact I have a daughter. It’s….it’s mind-blowing. It still hasn’t sunk in.

Anita gives him a tremulous smile then turns back to baby Alice. Alice stares placidly at the ceiling. Anita coos and waves.

Anita: Hello beautiful Alice! Hello gorgeous baby girl!

Brutus is making soft whimpering noises. Joël forces himself to climb up from the rocking chair and yawns and stretches. He hasn’t gotten out of his pyjamas all day. Poor Brutus hasn’t been taken for a walk. He supposes he ought to have a shower at some point and discuss dinner with Anita. It feels strange to be thinking about such mundane things after the miraculous arrival of his daughter. His daughter. His daughter! What the actual….he has a DAUGHTER!!!

“I think you’ve done this before,” says Roy as Anya struts past him and then strikes a pose, her hand placed coyly under her chin, hip bones jutting almost as sharp as her cheekbones, her breasts gently chiding him for last night’s uselessness. I’m so sorry, breasts! thinks Roy. I’ll make it up to you soon, I promise!

“I’ve modeled in a few fashion shows at school,” says Anya. “We all model each other’s designs. We can’t afford professional models, obviously.”

“You look very professional to me,” says Roy. He continues to try and communicate telepathically with her breasts.

“Do you want me to model anything else?” says Anya.

“What I want,” says Roy, “is for you to turn off your phone and follow me upstairs to the bedroom.”

“My phone’s out of battery. But I don’t want to go to the bedroom,” says Anya.

“You don’t?” says Roy. Heat is prickling across his skin, but no longer in a horny way. It feels related to the shame he felt last night, and also to the time he dislocated his shoulder and his hopes of a professional football career came crashing down around him. The rude, burning shock of life treating him unfairly, his expectations being dashed. He needs to get shitfaced drunk, that’s what he needs to do. He wonders if Crystal can slot him in tonight, if she’s by some miracle had a cancellation….

“Nah, let’s do it here instead,” says Anya, bouncing on top of him.

[muffled voices]

Phoenix: “… that doesn’t sound good.”

Phoenix: “Did he say sheriff?”

Jovian: “Come back.”

Altair: “I will.”

Jovian: “The last time I saw you this sure about something was when you left for Lancashire.”

Altair: “I guess so.”

Jovian: “There was a reason I didn’t stop you then. I won’t stop you now.”

Jovian: “… you’re sure about this?”

Altair: “I am. These people are dangerous, but most of their forces are still up at that house. If the sheriff can deal with them, we’ll be okay.”

Jovian: “And what about the danger where you’re going?”

Altair: “I have to go, dad.”

Vespertine: “… fine. What’s your plan?”

Lyra: “I need a map, and a star chart.”

Vespertine: “So yes, well done, having Altair was a bluff. But you realize that these islands are small, and it’s only a matter of time?”

Lyra: “If I can find it without magic, it’s a lot less risk to you, right? Because there’s no way to be sure that the magic you cast through me won’t stick around in my system. And me with magic is the last thing you want.”

Vespertine: “You don’t have nearly the amount of leverage you think you do, Labyrinth.”

Lyra: “You need me to cast a beacon.”

Vespertine: “I can cast the spell through you, whether you want me to or not.”

Lyra: “But it’s going to be a whole lot easier if I play along.”

Lyra: “No, it’s alright. And as long as I’m cooperating, you’re ensuring his safety.”

Vespertine: “We’ve been over this, darling. You hold up your side of the bargain, I’ll hold mine.”

Lyra: “And then after today we never to have see each other again.”

Phoenix:In other words, I’ve bought you a day.

Vespertine: “There’s your proof of life, happy? Now we have places to be.”

Phoenix: “Labyrinth…”

Lyra: “I wouldn’t say happy, but I’m satisfied.”

Phoenix: “Wait, hold on-“

Titan: “Alright, get up.”

Phoenix: “Whoa, wait, hold on, I did what you said-“