#spoonies in school
I feel like I am using my chronic illness as an excuse to for doing bad at school but it really is hard for me. I’m working to get accommodations for the first time and I think they will really help me but my friends and family just think that it’s cause I don’t want to do the work all the time. Why do I feel guilty for trying to get accommodations? I know I fit the requirements for them and I’m not just doing it for the sake of fucking around.
I’m always afraid I’m over sharing in my disability lit class, but it’s because nobody else has explicitly identified as disabled. Nobody in my class uses mobility aids, and a lot of people seem to assume that everyone in class is abled. So screw it, I’ll use myself as a case study and go off about the treatment of invisible disability if I dang well please.
they always make me feel like shit for taking a break like i took a weekend with no exercise for the first time in over six months and my mom yells at me because she says im going against doctors recommendations even though she knows how much pain im constantly in. ive told her time and again that im only getting worse and she wont let me change what im doing, i blacked out in class the other day because i havent taken a break in so long. i dont know what to do. no one ever tells me theyre proud
How many times can I say something’s wrong and that I’m in pain before I’m heard? Teachers, therapists, friends, they all agree and suggest I go to a neurologist or rheumatologist but my mother insists I’m just inactive and need to exercise more– even as I’m so fatigued and in so much pain that the two miles home from school leave my legs in so much pain I can barely bend them without wanting to cry. I’m just given vitamin d pills and iron pills because she swears I’m just deficient, even as my migraines last 4 days and are so bad I can’t open or close my eyes– the light hurts and my eyelids put too much pressure on the eyes.
But sure. It’s normal. I’m dramatic, even when I’m so fatigued I need a brace to keep my hands up because they’re just too heavy and I haven’t been able to do schoolwork or hobbies at all.
I wish she’d listen to me so I can find out what the hell is wrong with my body. I just want an answer and help, why can’t she stop blaming me for it and start helping me.
everyone says to stay positive but i’m a 16 year old in so much pain that i can’t even go to school or hang out with friends. i’ve only managed to keep one friend throughout all of this because friendships rely on putting in effort to communicate and being able to talk to/see each other. i can’t be a reliable friend and it makes me feel like a bad person. i hate that all of the plans i had as a kid were ruined. i wanted to get straight A’s and graduate early. i wanted to get a job as soon as possible. i wanted to go to some fancy college and become an author or something. i wanted to move out at 18. but instead i’m barely passing online school, i might not be able to go to college ever, i won’t be able to get a job, and i’ll probably live with my parents for the rest of my life. oh, and i’ll be in pain for every second of the rest of my life.
My entire life has been defined by sicknesses without names. Incredibly serious illness that knocked me out for weeks? Unnamed “Virus.” Nausea that had me carrying around a bucket for a literal year (thank heaven I was homeschooled)? Growing pains. I’ve just grown to accept that no matter how serious whatever I have is, I’ll never have the comfort of an impressive name I can rattle off. It sounds so stupid when I put it like that, so petty, but I’m so used to minimizing and delegitimizing.
