#chronic-confessions

Every evening for the past week, I suddenly get an almost violent migraine-like attack, that lasts from 2-5 hours, and then abates. I feel nauseous, my head feels like it’s going to burst, my chest burns and every sersory input hurts so so bad. It even gets a little hard ot breathe, and I have to put on my cpap just to feel like I’m getting enough air. It’s so new and terrifying, and I don’t know what to do :((

I’m so tired of my own mother not taking my health seriously. Shes my sole source of income right now, and she uses it to get me to move heavy objects (I have mystery weakness in my legs and back) clean out dusty rooms (Ive recently developed some moderate asthma) and be my older siblings caretaker (I have chronic fatigue to the point where sometimes simply sitting up is too much) . Don’t forget tricking me into eating food I’m allergic to, and guilting me about medical costs!!!

I wish I wasn’t so dependent on my amazing partner. For so long I’ve been in excruciating pain, and all the things that come with that. But I don’t want someone to do everything for me, I like to do things myself and sometimes the most frustrating thing is to want to be free, and to feel like chronic pain and disabilities are just chains holding you back from living the life you want to live.

I feel like I am using my chronic illness as an excuse to for doing bad at school but it really is hard for me. I’m working to get accommodations for the first time and I think they will really help me but my friends and family just think that it’s cause I don’t want to do the work all the time. Why do I feel guilty for trying to get accommodations? I know I fit the requirements for them and I’m not just doing it for the sake of fucking around.

I have this intense chronic pain, muscoskeletal, I don’t have a diagnosis yet since I live in the province and everyone is like “ohh, actually I don’t know what’s wrong with you, there’s something wrong though thats for sure.” Anyway I literally just realized this month, that not walking on my hurt leg or not carrying anything with my hurt arm and supporting them makes them hurt less. Like, this sounds absolute common sense but I never tried or realized it since I didn’t want to look like a limping fool and everyone always told me quite literally to walk off the pain. So baffling.

I don’t even know how I manage to look normal while in extreme pain.

I’m always afraid I’m over sharing in my disability lit class, but it’s because nobody else has explicitly identified as disabled. Nobody in my class uses mobility aids, and a lot of people seem to assume that everyone in class is abled. So screw it, I’ll use myself as a case study and go off about the treatment of invisible disability if I dang well please.

I can’t handle extracurricular activities anymore and it makes me hate myself. I just want to be normal.

5467 here. I’ve scheduled a doctor appointment. No, it’s not an emergency. I just decided I shouldn’t have to live like this. I would want a loved one to get care if they needed it. If a loved one felt like I feel, I would drive them to every doctor it took. So I’m going to prioritize my health the way I would want someone else to.

they always make me feel like shit for taking a break like i took a weekend with no exercise for the first time in over six months and my mom yells at me because she says im going against doctors recommendations even though she knows how much pain im constantly in. ive told her time and again that im only getting worse and she wont let me change what im doing, i blacked out in class the other day because i havent taken a break in so long. i dont know what to do. no one ever tells me theyre proud

Another birthday is another reminder of how much my chronic conditions have derailed my entire life. They’ve robbed me of pursuing anything I once dreamed of. I HATE my birthday. 15 years ago, I never thought I’d feel this way.

I have a billion allergies, even more intolerances, textural issues, and even more issues with food. And to make it worse? I have an ED. Eating is a minefield and I just want a break so bad, but I can’t because if I’m not hyperaware I’ll die, but when I am hyperaware it worsens the ED and is extremely exhausting. For once I’d like to see ableds actually think about the consequences of their actions for disabled ppl when it comes to food and food service and “free food” at meetings and events

I’m glad my high school didn’t do a ten year reunion because all I’ve accomplished this decade is not dying, and I wasn’t even very good at it.

How many times can I say something’s wrong and that I’m in pain before I’m heard? Teachers, therapists, friends, they all agree and suggest I go to a neurologist or rheumatologist but my mother insists I’m just inactive and need to exercise more– even as I’m so fatigued and in so much pain that the two miles home from school leave my legs in so much pain I can barely bend them without wanting to cry. I’m just given vitamin d pills and iron pills because she swears I’m just deficient, even as my migraines last 4 days and are so bad I can’t open or close my eyes– the light hurts and my eyelids put too much pressure on the eyes.

But sure. It’s normal. I’m dramatic, even when I’m so fatigued I need a brace to keep my hands up because they’re just too heavy and I haven’t been able to do schoolwork or hobbies at all.

I wish she’d listen to me so I can find out what the hell is wrong with my body. I just want an answer and help, why can’t she stop blaming me for it and start helping me.

If only I could blackmail, punish or sweet talk myself into doing The Thing (Of which there is a bakers dozen), but sometimes my brain is like no, your sitting on your bed, and feeling unsatisfied and unheard and not doing it

Smeone on here said “Signs of many serious medical events are also just part of my normal life” and if I did get one of those things happening I would not be even to tell or be taken seriously if it was

Between my terribad pitches and my executive dysufunciton its miracle I get anything done, ever ever ever, I wrote a list of all the things I hit a wall at even when I am 100% certain it would do be good to even start to do, like even when I beat down my anxiety, I get all “But how” about a dozen things I either used to be able to do or have curiouisity about trying or would make my life easier et fucking cetera

I’m having to jump through a bunch of hoops in order to get accommodations at work so that i can actually work successfully. But jumping through those hoops is so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausting that I’m running out of energy to both jump and work, and instead I feel like I’m just failing at everything.

So my IBS has reached a new level. I’m so embarrassed it’s awful. I pooped my pants! Luckily it was in the middle of the night at home, so no one knows but me. I still can’t seem to get over it, and now I’m super paranoid that every gas bubble (which with my IBS, there is a lot) will result in the same thing. I just keep hoping that it was a one time freak thing but idk. Do I need to bring this up with my doctor? Does this mean that my IBS is getting worse? HELP

I want to swear, be angry, throw things over, cry, fall on my knees and put my hands in front of my face. I want to hammer the cold floor with my fists and then collapse. But I just sit there, staring in the air and surrendering to my senseless fate

I guess me ruining my life cuz i couldn’t be bothered to clarify when I possibly misread the text on the net of people I liked, maybe plays on my mind a bit and make me anxious, I confess I confess, I’m a irresponsible anxious witch

Okay, I guess when I list out everything little mistake I ever did on accident using technology, It does make sense I have some anxiety sometimes about it, like it’s dumb but nobodys perfect and one day I shall attempt to let go of being weird abot it

I got a diagnosis for hypothyroidism. I was very excited to have an answer and that it was something that could be treated easily. Finally it felt like a chance for a normal life, when i felt so sick i felt like i could die. But now my insurance won’t help. I can’t even get coverage to see a PCP. Every doctor they set me up with is someone that cant help me because they’re an ER doctor only or a specialist. The one time they got it right he turned out to be a transphobe and dropped me.

The worst part is the stress this is putting on my boyfriend. We mean the world to each other and though we’ve only been together almost five months, it really feels like hes the one im going to spend the rest of my life with. But its hard seeing me like this, hes mentally ill like me and the stress of taking care of me on top of taking care of himself is more than he’s letting on. He hates when I talk this way but I’ve never seen him cry more than when my symptoms got so bad I couldn’t work. We were both so happy that it was over but as it turns out it isn’t. I really have the worst luck. Everything I do is always like this. I didn’t sign up for this. He certainly didn’t know what he was getting into. I finally found someone who gave me peace, everything finally felt right, and now I can’t even get out of bed, and my heart won’t even beat at a normal rhythm, and im so cold.

its not in my nature to give up, so i won’t, but this is just. very unfair.

everyone says to stay positive but i’m a 16 year old in so much pain that i can’t even go to school or hang out with friends. i’ve only managed to keep one friend throughout all of this because friendships rely on putting in effort to communicate and being able to talk to/see each other. i can’t be a reliable friend and it makes me feel like a bad person. i hate that all of the plans i had as a kid were ruined. i wanted to get straight A’s and graduate early. i wanted to get a job as soon as possible. i wanted to go to some fancy college and become an author or something. i wanted to move out at 18. but instead i’m barely passing online school, i might not be able to go to college ever, i won’t be able to get a job, and i’ll probably live with my parents for the rest of my life. oh, and i’ll be in pain for every second of the rest of my life.

The longer I’m chronically ill, the worse my financial situation becomes. The worse my financial situation becomes, the worse my quality of life becomes. The worse my quality of life becomes, the worse my depression becomes. I hate this downward spiral, but I can’t just magically become a healthy able-bodied person again.

Turns out one of my medications puts me at a greater risk for a specific type of cancer and this was never mentioned. I don’t want to overthink it but I’ve been losing a lot of weight, and like every freaking symptom that is a warning sign for this cancer has popped up fir the past 2 months. It could be other stuff and I’m falsely attributing it to cancer. But if this actually is I don’t know what I’m going to do

I’m autistic. Only a few close friends know. I don’t even know why I’m hiding it but I am and I don’t see that changing

My entire life has been defined by sicknesses without names. Incredibly serious illness that knocked me out for weeks? Unnamed “Virus.” Nausea that had me carrying around a bucket for a literal year (thank heaven I was homeschooled)? Growing pains. I’ve just grown to accept that no matter how serious whatever I have is, I’ll never have the comfort of an impressive name I can rattle off. It sounds so stupid when I put it like that, so petty, but I’m so used to minimizing and delegitimizing.

Well boys, I’ve done it. When my pain flares it officially qualifies as bad enough to warrant opiates being prescribed. On the one hand I’m thankful to finally have some pain relief that’ll actually work for when it gets really bad, but on the other hand I’m terrified. I’ve always been scared people will assume I’m drug seeking or that I’ll get addicted and I really don’t want that to happen. I don’t know how to feel about this.