Forewarning. This will probably get rambly. Expect it. I’m tired as hell and I got shit I want to say. It might not be worded as poetically as you assholes want, but at this point I’m done caring.
Anyway.
You know. I love how exclusionists automatically assume just because, yeah, aspecs actually HAVE gone through some shit and we’ve been harmed for being associated with the queer community, that we’re trying to push the idea that it’s been to the same extent. Yeah. Most of the backlash against us from straight people has come from the thought that “not being het” = “gay”. You’re right there.
And we know. What we go through is not the same extent. A lot of times (though there are things, and I’ll get to that) it’s not just because we’re aspec. We’ve said that.
Hear me out here before you start squawking. And for the love of all that’s good left in the world, don’t start up with the slur thing. There’s a dozen other posts on that. You don’t want to be called it? Great. My bi ass will. Cause we fought for that shitty word when there wasn’t anything to call ourselves, and you’ll give it back to those bigots after you pry it from my cold, dead, fingers.
Anyway. There’s this thing that’s called “generalized prejudice”. AKA, the notion that bigotry can be generalized across similar groups. Anything with any suffix of sexual besides hetero is automatically Wrong and Gay and Unnatural and Dangerous. You’re not straight? You’re not normal.
Parents who would send their gay, bi, pan, and trans kids send their ace kids to conversation therapy as well. Corrective rape is a BIG thing. That it does happen shows that there’s something in the mindset. Due to this, aspecs are, in fact, harmed and submitted to violence.
I know for myself I certainly didn’t get the best reception when I told my family. Luckily it wasn’t violent for me, but you know that thing you guys do with the “I’m sure Christians love you”.
Yeah. No. Because, and I quote here “God made man for women, and expected them to be with each other. And in marriage be open to each other’s needs. If you can’t give that to someone you shouldn’t marry. Because that’d be a sin.”
(First off, asexuality doesn’t mean you can’t have sex, even though I personally don’t want to have it. It’s just a lack of attraction (not libido. That’s something else.) Second of all, thanks for letting me know not to tell you about the bi thing. Don’t worry. Not opening up about this shit again.)
And there are others who’ve gotten worse. You’re right. Mine wasn’t as bad as a lot of you get, but can we all just agree it really hurts and sucks to be told you’re shit for your sexuality? Can we all agree that attitudes like this tend to cause bigger, more violent problems? Especially as more people become aware of it being a thing? That this has been a big issue and fucked up a lot of people?
“You weren’t there like we were in the start. You don’t deserve to be here after all the shit we went through. It’s because they think you’re gay, like you said! It’s homophobia, not aphobia!”
First of all we were here. We just weren’t under our own name, because we didn’t have it. Pansexuals were here as well, and so were nonbianary people. Most of us, knowing we weren’t straight but only having a select number of things to align ourselves with, dispersed under other groups. Lots of us ended up under the bisexual umbrella. Hell. A lot of us still do before we realize this is a thing.
“Well, I don’t like the opposite gender. So maybe I’m gay?”
“Okay, I don’t seem interested in any, but that would mean…maybe I’m interested in others equally? Am I bisexual or pan?”
Like. Shit. Just the sheer amount of it happening today where the aspec identities ARE a thing that’s known should give a hint of how common it would be earlier when it WASN’T known. Plus, we know we were around, because we were described. Even by some prominent leaders in the community.
A few overall examples. From the article for those who don’t want to wade through it:
“The earliest use of the word ‘asexual’ which I have been able to find (up to now), is in a 1896 pamphlet called “Sappho und Sokrates” by Magnus Hirschfeld, an influential German sexologist and activist for LGBT emancipation.”
“Ralph Werther – Jennie June was an outspoken transgender person who wrote extensively about his life and the New York LGBT scene at the turn of the century. He uses the word ‘anaphrodite‘ to describe people who are “not suffused with adoration for any type of human” and who “shudder violently at the very thought of any kind of association grounded on sex differences”
“Researchers like Magnus Hirschfeld and Alfred Kinsey did notice and describe asexuality. It is rather remarkable that some of the most well-known sexologists make mention of asexuality, and yet we have been woefully understudied over the course of the last 150 years.”
“We are present in the works of LGBT pioneers like Magnus Hirschfeld and Ralph Werther – Jennie June (see above). It’s worth investigating how we fit into their circles: turn-of-the-century Berlin and New York. Then there are phenomena like the Boston marriages – relationships of which the main features are not just lesbian, but also asexual – and the description of asexuality as a subcategory of homosexuality in the 1978 study ‘Homosexualities’.”
We were there then. At the start. Right from the beginning. All of us who knew we weren’t straight, but didn’t have a name. Maybe we’d label ourselves as gay. Or bi. Or trans. But we were there, even if we weren’t properly labeled. We fought too. We fought alongside you and died alongside you, but we didn’t have a group to call our own. We were scattered and unseen. And because of this we don’t know a lot of our history, or figures in the movement who could be asexual. We may never know beyond speculation. But I assure you we were there.
Since then our community keeps growing. Why? If y'all really knew your history you’d know why, and you’d know just how much this community has evolved just in the past TEN years. Even less. History isn’t static. Growth happens. Change happens. It is happening. That’s not a bad thing.
Anyway, why?
Because these groups that were looked over or lumped into others are finding each other when before it wasn’t really possible like it is today, with the internet helping us connect. Because even if things aren’t as bad, there’s issues and as a community we’re striving towards equality and getting rid of violence towards non straight sexualities. This community was founded for resistance. For sanctuary. For solidarity against violence that we faced every day.
And this opening up has grown the community and our movement. It’s provided more voices to speak and more information to spread. We’ve had gatekeeping throughout our history, and every time it’s proved detrimental. To all of us. Gatekeeping in our community was why and is why many trans activists have taken longer to be recognized. Why bisexuals are still EXTREMELY underrepresented in this movement’s history.
Anyway, that article? There’s another for the 21st century. And a few more quotes to make my point, because anyone who knows me can tell you how much I love my quotes. Examples make it a lot easier to get my thoughts together. Very useful…
You say we should get our own community? We have. It still gets invaded, and we haven’t even had it long. Again. We hadn’t been able to.
“The time the first asexual communities appeared was around the start of this century. As the very beginning, you could take the article called “My Life as a Human Amoeba” by Zoe O’Reilly, which was published in 1997. Over the years, the comment section of that article filled with comments of other asexuals, telling their life stories and connection with eachother over their shared asexual experiences for – as far as we know – the very first time.2 From that article and its comment section, we have an extraordinary development into a self-assured, worldwide community that’s present on multiple online platforms as well as offline meeting groups. We are hosting conferences, marching in pride parades and we have successfully lobbied for the depathologization of asexuality in the DSM, one of the leading psychiatric manuals.3
The way we think and talk about asexuality has changed as well. Our identity and the concepts that come with it didn’t plop out of thin air. We come from a place where we had little to no concepts or words to describe our experiences. Aces have done some large-scale worthsmithing and we have come up with new words so we can name our experiences. On top of that we have created a lively discourse to make sense of ourselves and our experiences.4″
I do have to let out a chuckle at that last sentence.
“Oh, but what if they’re heterosexual aros or heteroromantic aces??? I don’t want our oppressors in this community!”
Tough shit. For many of us we’re already sharing a community with our oppressors.
Black women put up with all kinds of shit from white women. Especially when it came to queer feminists.
Transgender have to share a space with us cis people when, again, they got walked repeatedly over.
(TERFs, I’m not dealing with your shit today. Also, has anyone else noticed how many ace exclusionists are TERFs, and how many nonTERF exclusionists get uncomfortable when this gets pointed out? Yeah. I have too. And it’s bullshit.)
I, a woman, have to share a space with dudes. I, disabled, have to share a space with the abled who I’ve lived quite a bit of my life being looked down on from.
Anyone remember that “A stands for Ally” fiasco? I do. People were wanting straight allies over us. The excuse?
“Well, you see, that’s ACTUALLY there for closeted individuals to be in the community without outing themselves. ╮(╯▽╰)╭”
Sure. Okay. Yeah. Here’s where I found that funny. Even if the A didn’t stand for Ally, they could still say they’re allies and, should they be going to pride or something, say they’re supporting a friend. Or, if it’s so delicate, not say anything to anyone if they feel unsafe. Because it’s likely a family that’s bigoted towards the community would hate them giving their support as well.
“Well…they’re questioning! ╮(╯▽╰)╭”
Great. The Q is for questioning and queer.
“They’re taking our resources! (*´>д
What resources are in such limited supplies that you have to worry about this shit???????
Asexuals aren’t harming you. The only reason they’re “in the spotlight” is because you stir up all this shit and put them there.
“But here’s some aces being homophobic and gross and they’re all horrible people who somehow support pedophilia!
Here’s links to MORE being cringy and acting like they’re better and pure and shit!
IF WE LET THEM IN EVERYONE WHO’S ~~QUIRKY~~ WILL WANT IN TOO! KINKS AND FURRIES AND PEDOPHILES!!!! ヽ(｀Д´)ﾉ”
What. Even. The fuck. And yes. I heard this. More than once.
Addressing this in chunks:
Okay. Don’t know where that pedophile thing comes from. At all. I don’t understand it, and I kinda am scared to. I might lose my last shred of faith in humanity. I THINK, since I’ve heard this much at least, it has something to do with that:
“We can’t talk to kids about asexuality because then we’d have to talk to them about SEX. With the others we can just talk about the romantic aspect, but oh my goodness. The kids will be so messed up!”
Am I the only one seeing the irony in this? First off. A lot of kids can feel sexual attraction by the age of eight. Most by the age of ten to eleven. I’m twenty and I’m still getting that “well, maybe you’re a late bloomer” shit. I’m TWENTY. Almost TWENTY-ONE. Shit. If I realized this wasn’t normal sooner…well. That would have been really nice.
Homophobic: Most of what I see here are young teens and preteens screwing up their wording and getting attacked. Or relying on misinformation, because they’re young. But really. Many of you are grown adults. Stop attacking kids who clearly misspoke or are ignorant. Shit. Most of us have been there. Getting death threats in your ask doesn’t help.
And not everyone is nice. Yeah. There’s gonna be some shitty ace people. Just like there’s transphobic community members. And biphobic. And so on and so on and so on. Because sucky people exist everywhere. What a concept.
And no. That’s not comparable to that “gay people can be heterophobic” shit. Please. Stop. Aces are not straight. Heterophobia does not exist. And straight pride month should not be a thing. Did I get that covered? Great.
Also, the asexual community has a high percentage of autistics, myself included. You know what one common thing is with autistics? We tend to have trouble getting across our meanings. If you all could just ask “Hey, is this what you really meant by this? If so that’s kinda messed up. If not, can you explain?” that’d take out a whole lotta drama. Cause then we can go “Actually, no. I meant X. Let me make that more clear. Thanks for pointing that out to me!”
So much easier. So. So much easier.
Most of the other offensive shit seems to stem from tweens in their cringe phase (really. Most of us were there. Stop sending hate mail to ignorant middle schoolers), parody blogs, or, *gasp*, other exclusionists making fake blogs to purposefully stir up trouble. Geez. The sheer amount of those blogs. Find better things to do, damn it.
Then again. These are the same people who flood the Ace tag with dozens of hate posts about how shitty we are and how the community doesn’t want us, and do that:
“Boo hoo. Aren’t I so discriminatory? We get killed, bitch. Stop you’re whining. SOME of us have more to worry about then claiming to get bullied on Tumblr. Stop being a snowflake.”
It really shouldn’t be that surprising at this point. And yes, that too is something that’s almost word for word of another post. Because the discourse is shitty.
Okay. You see, kinks aren’t a sexuality. Pedophilia isn’t a sexuality and phedos actively pray on children and children can’t give consent, so they’re fucked up. Furries…yeah. Why? What logic would lead you to believe letting in asexuals is a gateway for furries?
Please. Stop. I’m tired. This month is supposed to be about celebrating our history and the people who fought to bring us where we are. Just for one month can we stop being petty assholes to each other? Just one month? I mean. I’d LOVE to say forever, but I realize that’s just not realistic.
A few last notes to cover my ass and make my thoughts clear about the normal shit storms that usually follow these kinds of posts.
First off. If one more person starts whining about “having their identity” used as a tactic by inclusionists, I’m gonna lose it. It’s not a cheap tactic. Inclusionists come from all backgrounds you assholes.
I’m not harboring some inner biphobia for connecting events from one part of my identity to another. The trans women inclusionist isn’t transphobic for talking about it. The lesbian inclusionist isn’t a “traitor” for pointing out how ridiculous you’re being. Stop being assholes. It’s not just your identity. It’s the identity of people on both sides and you need to stop trying to shit on people. Yeah, I spoke about more than just bisexual. Because I’m not the only one saying this. In fact, most of those points I got from others. Who were trans, and pan, and lesbians. I got followers who talk about it. It’s not just me talking here and they need to be respected for the points they’ve made as well.
Two. If I hear anyone talking about that ridiculous “corrective rape is a lesbian term” you’re going to get a real history lesson on its origins. Because you’re 100% wrong and I’m tired of uninformed bullshit.
I’m tired of this shitty discourse. Aspecs are not hurting you. Aspecs are not hurting you. Aspecs are not hurting you. Inclusion does not harm the community. Inclusion does give resources to kids who could be in harmful situations.
For one month. Just take a break from being hateful assholes. One month. Just…just one freaking month.
Anyway. Happy pride.
To my lesbians. Your flag looks great. Sorry Tumblr staff forgot you guys. There also isn’t much on Google. Tried to find some variety. :(
To my gay bros. Remember the meaning your colors represent.
To all you pans. Keep being punny, and spread the love. You’re all great.
To my trans friends. Don’t let the TERFs get you down. Trans women are women. Trans men are men. You are not predators. You are not dangerous. You are fully yourself.
To my bi peeps. We’re amazing. You’re not “half straight” or “Half gay”. Doesn’t matter if you’re in a same or opposite sex relationship. You’re still full on bi. Don’t take shit.
To my aces. You’re not straight. You’re not broken. You’re not less. You are always welcome. Exclusionists on Tumblr do not represent the wider belief.
To my aros, I’m sorry people forget about you so much. And remember that there’s many different types of love. You’re not gross for not feeling romantic love. You’re not cold. You’re not predatory for those of you wanting sexual relationships without romance.
For those who are both aro and ace, you’re not devoid of emotion. You’re not subhuman. You’re individuals and love can be expressed in so many ways. If you’re in the grey area, that’s fine too.
I love all of you. I couldn’t really find much for nonbianary and genderfluid, but you all rock as well.
We are a community, and we need to hold each other up if we want to continue moving forward. Division hurts us all.
Also, for my friends who are also black, muslim, disabled, female, Native American, Hispanic and in other groups that are struggling with additional fear this year with all the shit going on. Keep your head up. Keep fighting.
Holy shit @shadowkat678, I officially dub this the most awesome and prideful pride 2017 post I’ve seen yet!! What an amazing and well written journey, thank you so much.
Everyone, please signal boost this far and wide!!
I just wanna add that as I was reading this I was literally chatting with OP and sending them my thoughts and opinions about nearly each paragraph. It was a serious emotional journey because I can identify with almost all of it. However, I don’t have it in me to repeat all those thoughts and I don’t think you all wanna read it anyway bc this is a long enough post as it is.
But as a phd student and criminologist (& cis, panromantic, demisexual), I would like to just provide a short-ish quote that explains fairly well how “generalized prejudice” works, and does in fact lead to aphobia:
Our findings are in keeping with Herek’s (2010) “differences as deficits” model of sexual orientation, where sexual minorities deviating from the norm are considered substandard and deserving of negativity by the majority. This model is gradually becoming less applicable to homosexuals and bisexuals with changes in societal norms (Herek, 2010), consistent with our findings that homosexuals (and in some cases bisexuals) were viewed as equally or more human than the heterosexual ingroup. However, we posit that asexuals fit well within the “differences as deficits” framework. Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. In keeping with this interpretation, themes relevant to maintaining the status quo and group dominance (RWA and SDO, respectively) proved consistently important in predicting antiasexual attitudes, whereas concerns with positive ingroup identity and religious fundamentalism were less uniquely important.
Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. Future research can address the mechanisms underlying this tendency. [emphasis mine]
And while this study definitely has its problems (e.g., it compares asexuality & sapiosexuality and defines asexuality wrong, which i argue is more evidence of anti-ace bias bc society and those studying us can’t even get a handle on “what” we are…) it’s still important bc it shows us that there is in FACT a systematically enforced anti-ace bias. Bc if it wasn’t systemic it wouldn’t be an identifiable & measurable social pattern!!!
Plus, ppl willing to discriminate is literally a large part of how discrimination and oppression work. When people literally say how and why they would hypothetically discriminate against a whole category of “different” people, you need to take that clearly stated BIGOTRY seriously and stop talking down to & over us, and telling us to just shut up about it.
A thin line has been casted by those who deliver overwhelming power.Abused and bruised we face a hue of blues that leave us bruised over difference of hues. We constantly hear the murmurs of hashtags over fallen soldiers and mistakes to a system that was made for the oppressors ,and anything but the different shades that cover the easel. We as minorities, Blacks, Latinos, Indians, Native Americans sing different songs but share similar steps to the same blues. What are we to do? Why not ban together for this spiritual warfare. Or is that to bold and big of a line to cross, Are we too different by faith, by creed, by color to understand? Is it a bridge too far to visualize and understand? Are we to be nomads and fallout to the glitch or are we to play the game and rpg this shit till our fallout so that our generations can withstand and ballout with love and freedom of consciousness? Iono…just thinkin…!
