#tarot exchange

I’ve not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I’m struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can’t imagine how my 12 year old self must’ve coped up with it.

When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.

I don’t know if it’s my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.

I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I’m 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.

I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don’t know what people love about their childhoods. Why they’d want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I’m so grateful I did. I can’t wait to be financially independent.

I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don’t know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called “reputation” and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?

I don’t know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don’t want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can’t catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.

Also, in my observation I’ve found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn’t want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.

Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I’ve spent, being there for my parents when they should’ve been there for me instead. I’m so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.

You know what sucks the most? When you’ve been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don’t know what’s easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.

I’m sorry for the vent, I needed an outlet.

#Rant

I hate how some tarot readings don’t make me feel content. They feel very dry, even generic if you will and very repetitive, containing the same information in say 10 sentences. The same information rephrased over and over again. Some are overly stretched and unnecessarily extended while some are too short, not descriptive at all.

This rant has been a long time coming because I put so much effort in my readings and there are people who come back for multiple readings with such dry readings, no reciprocation at all. It’s so fucking annoying because honestly? What the fucking fuck. Going out of the way to put energy into a reading for someone and being taken for granted? I hate it.

I guess, my lunar libra is a little too nice to such people. In an attempt to leave my people pleasing tendencies behind, I shall not go forward with any tarot exchange with anyone who wants to get a detailed reading but reciprocates poorly. I do not give this opportunity to anyone to exploit my time and energy. I value myself and my intuition enough to take a step back when I sense an ungrateful bitch like that.

Going forward, I also expect to receive the readings first so I can match the energy and length of the reading since that’s what most of y'all believe in too. It’d be nice to give people a taste of their own medicine. Yes, that’s my Scorpio placements talking.

A big fuck you to anyone who’s done me dirty.

It feels so relieving to not have any pending exchanges to deliver. Can chill for a bit and be more discerning before I take up exchanges :P

On that note, would anyone be up for a third party exchange reading? (I need one, I know most of you don’t offer one, please reach out if you don’t mind doing it, this is the first and hopefully, the last time I’m asking for it because anxiety is eating me alive :3)

Thanks in advance!

If I haven’t delivered any exchange (I might be wrong, who knows) feel free to hit me up :)