guys i’m basically getting to the point where I just want to leave like everyone says they want me here but actions speak louder than words and I’m just scared that I’m staying here for basically nothing besides the occasional time that someone decides they need me and that sucks because like that hurts and I might just move across the state when my parents leave because fuck this at least I know they want me around
Hoy se cumple exactamente una semana desde que me has dejado de hablar, y no hay un sólo día, ni una sola hora en que yo no revise mi celular esperando ver al menos una notificación tuya… Veremos cuánto tiempo más dura ésto…
I’m fucking jealous of everyone who is living my dream of studying abroad. Because my plan just blew up in my face. And i am jealous. i am jealous. fuck. i never though i would be here.
Daily dose of my unsolicited opinion that no one asked for:
“Toru” as Gojo’s nickname/pet name is stale. It just sounds whiny and weird to me when I say it out loud. I will call that motherfucker “Tofu” to make fun of him. -11/10.
“Satou” is superior. Sounds more natural, less whiny, more straight forward. 9.5/10. The .5 is knocked off because I hate him.
But “buttmunch” “crotch goblin” “dickweed” are the absolute supreme nicknames for him. 10/10. I implore more people to use them in fanfics.
I’ve not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I’m struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can’t imagine how my 12 year old self must’ve coped up with it.
When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.
I don’t know if it’s my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.
I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I’m 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.
I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don’t know what people love about their childhoods. Why they’d want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I’m so grateful I did. I can’t wait to be financially independent.
I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don’t know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called “reputation” and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?
I don’t know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don’t want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can’t catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.
Also, in my observation I’ve found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn’t want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.
Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I’ve spent, being there for my parents when they should’ve been there for me instead. I’m so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.
You know what sucks the most? When you’ve been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don’t know what’s easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.
@ fucking BLANQUER ISTG like how can you fuckkkk upppp an ENTIRE COUNTRY’S EDUCATION SYSTEM SO BAD
Dude’s like oh im minister now so to get myself re-chosen by the next president imma start a whole ass confusing system and start it without immediately even tho the ‘21s were preparing for the old exam muhahahaha yes
PLUS he HAS THE BALLS TO KEEP E V E R Y O N E in the dark SO NO ONE KNOWS WHAT S COMING AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH I
I really wish I could go back to when shit was easy when I wasn’t in college when I wasn’t so stress because work and school and when my social wasn’t so complicated and confusing
No one is fucking talking about it but another black man was killed by the same police department that killed George Floyd they killed him 9 minutes after entering his apartment. No knock warrants are fucking bullshit. He was wrapped in his blanket he was innocent they had the wrong address there is body can cottage you cannot fucking deny this bullshit.
This is being hushed up and covered up and I cannot believe it took me until TODAY, SIX DAYS AFTER IT HAPPENED to find out about it.
Everyone should be talking about this shit.
All the BLM protests and here we are again. We cannot let a single one of these slide because that’s how nothing changes and that’s how innocent people are being killed at the hands of assholes who are happy to pull the trigger without hesitation. I’m so fucking upset right now and so should you be.
As a black woman, I’m personally at a loss for words. I hope his family and his community will be able to find some peace. And I hope that one day we can all finally live in a world where these things can stop happening.
I should also mention that in my original post I said 9 minutes when I meant to say 9 seconds. He was shot after 9 seconds of them entering the apartment. Heartbreaking.
Also some other information:
- the cops that did this were denied a no-knock warrant in their own precinct so they went to another precinct not very close by to get it. Intent was had.
The cops involved have a very dark and unsettling past.
I will reblog this version of the post with some more information since the post I made with information is getting zero traction.
Briefly want to mention that this case should not be confused with the murder of Isaiah Tyree Williams, who was killed in almost the exact same way on January 10th.
