#childhood trauma
Helpless - Kindle edition by Stoddard, Cheyenne R. Romance Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.
Here is the link for the first book in the Helpless series❤
Hi! My name is Cheyenne Stoddard. I’m a recently published author. I published the first book in a series I’ve been working on for nine years. This is the main blog for updates, links, questions and tf teasers! I am so excited about this series and cannot wait for the rest of the journey.
Talon Adams desperately wants to live in a world where his skin has no say in how he is viewed and how he is treated. Every day he is faced with fierce hatred and abuse at home and at school. His parents describe his birth as a curse. His teachers and classmates see him as a freak. Talon was born albino and he is demonized for it. He lives in a small Ohio village with less than 1,400 people. To them he’s evil and unnatural, even the system is against him. His twin brother, Tyler was born with “Normal” skin. He plays a big part in Talon’s mistreatment by constantly setting him up for failure. A new boy moves into town and to him Talon is the epitome of beauty. He works hard to gain Talon’s trust and affections, but he has secrets. Dark secrets that could scare Talon off. He tries his best to keep his past hidden, however certain people won’t let that happen.
My fault? When I tripped over because I didn’t tie up my shoelaces, that was my fault. When my favourite plant died because I forgot to water him, that was my fault. When I lost a friend because I kept putting off contacting them, that was my fault.
When you locked me in your room, when you tried to finger me under the tables in our science class, when you told everyone we had sex, when you made fun of my body and called me a whore, when you tricked me, when you groomed me, when you made fun of me for going to the police, was that my fault? You say yes, I say fuck you.
Those parts of me I’ll never have back, you stole that. There was no us, and there certainly was no me. You haunt me, when I see you my legs don’t work, and I want to run towards you, to embrace you, then thrust my knife into your back. Because that is what you did to me.
I see you laugh at me; I see you jeer. Whore, slut, skank, did you ever really know my name? Did you know what my favourite colour was? Did you know what show I loved the most? Did you even want me? Or did you want my body? You salivate, dripping drool like a dog with a gaping maw, you ate me, then spat me out when I resisted. You didn’t want me when I fought back.
You’re a monster, a lying cheating beast who prays on those who are smaller. You saw a rabbit, ripe, fresh and full of hopes, and you snapped its neck. For so long that rabbit lay there dormant, its neck hanging like a loose rope. I loved you once, at least I thought I did, I was 12 when you started attacking me. You said you love me, then proceeded to treat me like a toy.
You won, you won finally, I broke. 2 times I stood on a ledge, 2 times I choked myself with a rope. I turned, naïve, thinking maybe you’d see what you did. You were laughing. Mouthing “jump”. So, I tried, and 3 angels held me down, took me to the hospital and tried to fix what they could. They mended my physical wounds and tried to fix my brain. They had to remove the TV remote chord, I tried to die again.
I haven’t seen you since, and that brings me great joy. Every time I hear your name, see you active online, I laugh. I’m not fixed, not yet. I don’t think I ever will be. There’s no way to fix what you’ve broken, but that doesn’t mean that it will always bring me down. One day I know I’ll be able to stop the flashbacks, look past the trauma and know it wasn’t my fault. Until then I just must play it day by day. One day you’ll be scared of me, like how I am with you. And on that day, I will have won.
Hey y’all did you know that just because you had a shitty childhood doesn’t mean you have to guilt trip and project your trauma and insecurities on other people? So when someone posts a funny video with their dad or talks about a nice gift their mother gave to them maybe instead of saying “wow imagine having parents that love you” or “haha my mom gave me nothing for Christmas after I turned 8” you can scroll past the video without being bitter and miserable.
People shouldn’t be your enemy for just having nice things. If they’re being spoiled, ungrateful brats that’s far different but someone being happy about something nice that happened within their family or a gift/experience they got? Yea, no one needs to know that you weren’t fortunate enough for that. Read the room. It’s not always about you and your trauma. And before you come at me, my life of far from perfect. I’m one of you.
None of your trauma is your fault. ♡
eldest daughter syndrome and gifted kid syndrome are some great examples of phrases used to talk about specific kinds of trauma that the internet has taken and turned into “boo hoo these people arent special anymore so theyre lashing out!!” it was never about that you fucking cunts
eldest daughter sydrome is about a very specific trauma that comes with being expected to parent for younger siblings and even your parents as a literal child and how badly it fucks you and your perception of yourself and what you’re capable of doing up. gifted kid syndrome is about how a “smart” label is slapped onto kids at a horribly young age and then they are repeatedly denied help forced to do more and more work never taught socialization or study skills and then berated and treated like a disappointment when they’re human beings instead of little intelligence machines. god.
i was fucking right about this honestly. most phrases like this are about certain kinds of trauma people have faced not about some kind of fucking superiority complex
image descriptions in alt text
more thoughts: facebook post•instagram post
For a list of some alternative resources to A.B.A check out the Autistic Self Advocacy Network’s article: “ASAN Resources on Coverage for Autism-Related Services”
The Men Around Me
All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.
All I’ve learnt is to obey,
I learnt that the hard way -
Don’t fight back, keep quiet
be a good girl now.
All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.
All I’ve learnt is to hide;
Underneath so many layers
I wasn’t sure I’d ever be seen,
But you did.
You saw me & I thought
I’d found a ‘Good one’.
But I’m starting to see
I’m just living life to repeat.
All the men around me
have taught me to hate,
taught me to be afraid.
i was so little
you can’t ask for that.
i would have, i should have, i could have
i didn’t know!!!
maybe??
i lost my boomerang on my roof and the next day when i went to get it, it was gone :(
Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.
Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.
Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.
Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.
I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.
Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.
But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.
Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.
Thank you thank you thank you bless this post ohmygod thank you
My fucking god! Maybe if I wasn’t taught that I didn’t have rights over who touched my body then maybe it wouldn’t have been so easy for me to be molested in the first place!!!! So fucking over this shit!
I hope one day I can silently just disappear out of people’s lives. At this point all I’m able to do is sabotage myself and drag people down with me. Time is just gonna pass by and I’ll just keep falling behind on everything. I can’t keep up anymore
The fact that I can’t remember like 90% of my childhood sometimes makes me wonder if I’ve ever even been a child. Maybe I haven’t and the blurry 10% I believe to remember are just random pictures and szenarios I made up to convince myself that I once was a child.
I’ve not been in a good place mentally. I find my mental health deteriorating day by day. There are too many things I’m struggling with. I feel so bogged down, constantly in my fucking head, I just want to jump off a cliff tbh. Childhood trauma really fucks you up like nothing else? It has been resurfacing and i find myself crippling and spiralling. I can’t imagine how my 12 year old self must’ve coped up with it.
When I was really tiny, I was extremely wise. I used to behave like a 50 y/o when I was barely 10/11, carrying the guilt, the shame and the baggage of my abusive family. I was often appreciated and praised for being mature. I was deeply conditioned to please all my family members. I would be patted whenever I gave into their decisions, let them choose for me and went with their choices. Everytime I spoke up for myself, took a stand, I was criticized.
I don’t know if it’s my Neptune and chiron in the 4th house or Lilith and Capricorn in the 4th house, but my childhood was a nightmare. It was so traumatic that my body panics even today when I think about it. As a family ritual, my family would engage in fights everyday where 10 people would yell at each other at the top of their voices.
I have always been a sensitive child with deep emotional wounds, I often found myself taking the role of a mediator, trying to calm them down. I could not stand conflict. I hate conflict. I hate fighting with someone. It triggers the fuck outta me. I feel so trapped and suffocated. I’m 22 now and nothing has seemingly changed.
I feel terrible looking back, knowing I was never allowed to live my childhood like other kids. I don’t know what people love about their childhoods. Why they’d want to be kids again. I would never go back if I had a time machine. I have always wanted to grow up, I’m so grateful I did. I can’t wait to be financially independent.
I slipped into depression after my family kept taunting me about wasting my university fee. I was called a disappointment and a waste of space. Why are people allowed to have kids when they don’t know how to raise them? Why am I surrounded by so many narcissists who rely on so-called “reputation” and would rather let go of their dreams to do what the society expects them to do?
I don’t know where to start healing. I am such a mess. I hate being here. I hate I ever desired to reincarnate in this household. Honestly? Give me my childhood back. I fucking hate this. I don’t want to be responsible. I grew up too quick. My mind can’t catch up to all the stress. I just want to be there for myself and do something that makes me happy.
Also, in my observation I’ve found that narcissists never change. I once told my mom I wanted to die and had a panic attack, I fell on the ground crying and begging her to talk to me. She was so numb. She told me I should stop crying if I didn’t want the neighbours to think my family was inflicting some kind of pain on me.
Words will never do justice to the sleepless nights I’ve spent, being there for my parents when they should’ve been there for me instead. I’m so bitter, hateful and vengeful. I will not forgive them for what they did. I will not forgive them for passing their trauma onto me. I will not forgive them for snatching my childhood away from me, for dismissing my PTSD, for treating me like shit when all I deserved was unconditional love.
You know what sucks the most? When you’ve been through so much and still choose to love, trust and fall for someone? But they end up repeating the same cycle, treating you like doormat, mirroring your wounds and taking advantage of you. Breaking you in infinite ways. Healing is so painful. Healing comes at a huge price. I don’t know what’s easier. Hoping to heal, or wanting to fucking die.
I’m sorry for the vent, I needed an outlet.
7.2.2020
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
it’s a night
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
You were supposed to protect me from him
i trusted you
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
Holy! Holy! Holy!
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
Sometimes Queenie knows just the right things to say
All it takes is for the memory to cross my mind and suddenly maggots are crawling down my throat and I can’t breathe
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
nothing is really real
DONT REPOST / okay to rb if you are a csa victim as well
Do you struggle with your attachment styles? Or do you have attachment issues? Perhaps you struggle with codependency or unhealthy relationships. Let’s dive deep into attachment styles explained, so we can better understand how to develop healthy relationships in our life. Perhaps you have a codependent mother, or an abusive relationship, an abusive boyfriend, or an unhealthy relationship, we have to look at our attachment styles to break unhealthy patterns in our relationships. In this video I will share with you the four attachment styles.
Learn more about attachment styles here: https://youtu.be/VAAmSqv2GV8
The Four Attachment Styles of Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23ePqRkOKtg&t=0s
Prompt #12
“If you feel good doing good, why do you look so miserable ?”
“Miserable ? What do you mean ? I’m not-“
“Oh save your breath, I can sense the internalized insecurities and depression from here, been through some shit - want to protect others because no one protected [hero] when they needed it the most,”
“….”
“How was that ? Did I hit just in the right spot ? Did I get it correct ?”
“You smug fucking bastard —“
“You didn’t deny it”
The Barkana has always been a project about disability activism. I navigate this world as an openly disabled and traumatized person. This project has been about service dogs, a type of assistance for disabled folks.
I wanted to share a few of the tarot cards from this deck that represent my journey with disability. Some was inspired by a blog written on marandaelizabeth.com
The 5 of Cups: Representing disappointment & grieving how you wished things have been, I think this captures the hardship of disability and trauma. I often wish I hadn’t been trafficked and hurt as a child. Grief over what my life could have been like sits with me every day, as I work to make peace with my reality. I do love who I have become, yet I struggle with this too–a feeling I’ve found many disabled folks share.
Death: Life as a disabled person is filled with change. There are many “little deaths,” accompanied by both hardships & joys. Death is such a neutral card all about change, and it highlights the undercurrent of unpredictability with disability, especially with dissociative identity disorder and how time and identity itself is constantly in flux for me.
5 of Pentacles: This card often represents illness, loss, and hardship…trudging through the cold weather in search for some warmth. Disabled people are frequently marginalized and outcast, and I feel this card represents the challenges of living with that identity. Yet, it also shows we are not alone, as we can find loving companions on our journey.
3 of Swords: This one features a disabled tripod pup, so I had to include it! It also represents trauma, invalidation, and silencing–something so many disabled folks experience. Our identities are erased, left out of activism, & we are gaslighted about our experiences.
It’s my hope, by talking about this, it inspires reflection on how you think about disabled people. Feel free to comment with your thoughts!
This deck is currently live on Kickstarter here!
Post link
Praise be to God
From the age of five I was instructed to take care of my Mum and Sister.
Why would anyone ask a child to take on such responsibility?
I wasn’t old enough to question the instruction, so did my best to adhere.
You see my Dad died when I was five, and at that time, my baby sister was barely one.
My Mum was constantly in and out of the hospital, managing an inherited red blood cell disorder.
I had no choice but to grow up, and do so fast.
Becoming responsible at such a young age was a gift and a curse.
I didn’t get a chance to enjoy my childhood, or my teenage years because I wasn’t considered a child.
Everyone who could, took advantage.
That being said, all my experiences prepared me for the many challenges I’ve been through and overcome.
I’ve always been wise beyond my years, and felt a sense of duty to care for my loved ones, before myself.
However, now I’ve established healthy boundaries.
I do things out of love not obligation.
I don’t allow anyone to emotionally abuse me or guilt trip me.
I don’t give anyone my hard earned money whenever they ask because they’ve been irresponsible with their finances.
I don’t allow anyone into my space if their energy isn’t right or aligned with mine.
I don’t wait for anyone’s appreciation, applause or approval, I don’t need it.
I don’t hold malice but where necessary I will keep my distance.
I don’t have any expectations so don’t get disappointed, just pleasantly surprised.
I’ve stop holding people to my standards, I know we are all different, and have different paths.
I’ve let go of all my hurt and anger
I’ve realeased all my past pain and embrace my present, while remaining optimistic about the future.
I love myself first
I prioritise my needs first and don’t apologise for doing so
I’m focused on my mental, physical and spiritual growth and that’s it.
I’m blessed and highly favoured
I let God guide my footsteps and walk confidently moving forward.
Praise be to God - Amen
Author - @iameriwa
Photography - @xander.foto
Model - @attrvcion
Hair - @tossedtresses
Stylist - @talyseanir_
