#texts from castlevania

(708): I’m lost and stupid without you.

(306): Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

(518): I’m wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can’t say shit

(413): Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

(651): It’s like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.

(905): Sonia carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn’t get in a fight with her

(360): A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for “customer service”.

(231): Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word “Pickle” break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It’s ugly.

(314): The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch guy

(716): I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.

(516): I am not a stalker…i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

(770): Alucard about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.

(602): It was the cape. I can’t control myself when I wear a cape.

(847): I’m having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?

(773): Too tired to pretend that I care : (

(314): What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

(416): you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

(609): And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

(970): I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I’m not even ashamed. Happy Valentine’s Day to me.

(781): My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card … happy holidays.

(908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

textsfromcastlevania:

(423): Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting

(620): Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving

(954): I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey “see you thursday”. I seriously have issues

(512): We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

(856): i hate when i ask a girl what she’s being for halloween and the first word isn’t “slutty”

(425): So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

(303): Realized I’m still too drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here’s to responsible hang overs.

(204): This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children “don’t be that girl” in reference to me. I’m either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right

(360): DIN’T JUSGE NE.

(803): Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning

(416): I never had a problem I couldn’t slut my way out of.

(717): Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit

(1-717): It usually does with you

(707): This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL….