From time to time, villains hire Mitigators in order to help them with different issues and at today’s auction Y/N was accidentally designated to The Joker. Although on vacation, Harvey Dent’s girlfriend will have to put up with The Clown’s demands for one night because he paid half a million dollars for her services.

“I have plans for us,” Harvey shares his goal for your much anticipated vacation. “Once you arrive at the cabin we’ll have dinner, then we can skinny dip in the lake, then we’ll relax by the camp fire; afterwards madam, I must underline clothes are optional.”

“Optional?” you laugh at the quirky proposal.

“Precisely,” Dent reaffirms with such conviction there is no room for doubt. “A lady always has the option to say no to whatever she doesn’t agree with. And I’m going to respect that!”

I mean, how can you not love this guy?! A gentleman in the streets and a beast in the sheets: definitely a keeper in Y/N’s books.

“I think I’m in, senator. I don’t foresee any… any… … Hold on,” you frown. “I think I heard my name!”

“What?!” Harvey gets impatient. “You’re on vacation!”

“No kidding! I’m only here to collect my money for the past month! I’ll call you back, babe!” you abruptly finish the video conversation with your boyfriend and get up from the couch in order to address Scarecrow which always presides over auctions involving mitigators.

“Jonathan!” you shout.

“Yes?” he turns towards you and notices a very displeased Y/N.

“Did I just hear my name announced on the stage?!”

“You sure did. I said: assigned to Mister Joker for half a million dollars.”

“I’m on vacation, Jonathan!!! I came for payment on my last mission, nothing more!”

Crane mentally checks your sentence before admitting he messed up:

“Dammit, I forgot! He offered 500 thousand dollars for tonight though,” he blurs out anticipating a tantrum from your part. “Technically, according to the rules, you’ll only provide him services until 12:01am. It’s 7:07pm. Less than 5 hours, Y/N! Forty percent of the cash is yours! Tempting for less than 5 hours worth of work, hm? Come on, Y/N, I totally failed to remember you’re off duty. The Joker specifically requested you; I can’t ask for a reassessment now, can I??!!He’ll go ballistic!”

“I’m familiar with how much mitigators earn and how His Majesty acts when he doesn’t get what he wants!” you bitterly growl. “This is bullshit!” you conclude and storm out of the warehouse in a hurry, unwilling to catch up with your employer.

You might be reluctant, yet there he is: ready to climb into the SUV parked on the west side of the building.

Why is Frost helping The King of Gotham enter the car?… Dang, if Jonny would show the same enthusiasm in pushing The Clown off a cliff, your life would be better. Unfortunately, he’s too loyal thus here you are.

You approach J’s crew and barely muster the will to greet.
“Hi, Mister J.”

The green haired threat grumbles a bunch of unpleasantries while adjusting his stiff body in the back seat of the car, finding it imperative to alert his mitigator.

“Y/N,we have a problem.”

Figures.

That “we“ again: each time he hires you, J likes to make his issue yours also. It’s very annoying: you’re aware you have to do your job but it doesn’t mean he suddenly becomes the center of your universe.

That spot is already taken and his name is Harvey Dent. Plain and simple.

In a few seconds you’re next to The Joker, wondering what the heck he’ll bring up to the table.

“Ride with me. After we’re done, one of my people will bring you back to your car.”

*****************

“Where are we going, Mister J?” you strut alongside the grouchy Clown and he guides you to the gym situated on the bottom floor of his penthouse.

“You’ll need something to hold on to, those monkey bars should work,” he utters and starts unbuttoning his shirt.

“May I remind you, sir, mitigators don’t provide sexual favors of any kind no matter the circumstances,” you hiss at his impertinence.

J rolls his eyes, unable to rotate his neck in order to gaze at you, still he decides to taunt:

“What about Harvey?”

“I’m a mitigator, Mister Joker, not a saint,” the honest answer makes him grin.

“Fait enough, Y/N!” and you kind of jump when he lets his body thud to the ground on the mattress below the monkey bars. “Humph!” he grunts in pain.

“Are you ok, sir?” you approach to aid because his behavior is weird; stranger than usual to be specific.

“Nope, broke my back last night. I reckon on numerous occasions Harvey praised his woman to be an excellent masseuse. He said you work miracles with your feet. So hop on my back and make it better.”

Ahhhhhh, that’s why he couldn’t move. Mystery solved. I guess if he wants to spend a fortune for a massage… it’s his money. Aka money he certainly stole from someone else but you’re not the one to dwell on such trivialities.

You remove your stilettos and cautiously step on J’s back, immediately perceiving a strong crack.

“Wow, this is pretty bad Mister J.”

“Told ya’!!!” he struggles to speak with the sharp pain knocking the breath out of him.

You realize you’ll regret digging dipper into it but you can’t avoid inquiring:

“What happened, Mister Joker?”

Some huffing and puffing as your circular motions make his bones pop, then The King begins to narrate the story of how he winded up in this state.

“As you know, I’m quite adventurous in bed.”

Note to self: you already regret it.

“I heard about this new position called The Inverted Screwdriver and I had to try it.”

Yikes, it’s worse than you thought.

“Hmm, doesn’t sound familiar,” you pucker your lips, intrigued.

“Exactly; I had to experience it for myself and see what the hype is about. Holy crap!!!” J yelps when his muscle shift under the skin, giving his shoulders much needed relief.

“Better?”

“A little bit,” he moans while you continue to hail for a swift outcome of your present appointment. “Oh, maaannnn,” The Joker sighs, “you do have magical feet.”

“After I’m done, try not to move for 30 minutes, sir. Just lay here, then take a hot shower and relax in bed until morning time. Ok?”

“U-hum.”

“And please don’t retry The Inverted Screwdriver,” you point out. “What the heck is it anyway that messed you up so badly?” Y/N has nothing better to do than to appeal to The Clown’s pride.

“I’ll show you,” he makes an extra effort to reach for his pants and pulls them down, underlining the next scenario. “You have to help me with the boxers.”

“Huh???!!”

“Pull my boxers off, then squeeze under me, I have to be on top. Although it may result in further injury, I’ll make an exception and demonstrate the difficult maneuver.”

Is he…for real???!!! Maybe you shouldn’t hope Frost will push The Joker off a cliff, you should do it yourself.

“Mister Joker!!!” you hiss. “I’m not going to have sex with you, understand???!! Just tell me what the move is about, there’s no need to display your skills!!!”

“How dare you yelling at me?!” the vexed King scolds. “You were the one snooping around in my private affairs, I merely tried to satisfy your curiosity!”

Wow, he truly lost his marbles!

“Sir,” you accentuate each word, “I didn’t ask for anything intimate, if you want to tell me verballyit’s fine; if not, I’m leaving and you find someone else to fulfil this petty task of massaging your screwed up back. Deal?”

“You can’t abandon me!” The Joker mumbles with the face buried in the mattress. “Even if it’s not the usual errands, I paid for your expertise. Just do it! I’ll verbally tell you,” J mocks. “Serves me right trying to perform a very altruistic public service,” he mutters as you reprise your massage. “If it was Hervey, you wouldn’t fuss about it!”

Well duh! Of course not: Harvey treats you like the princess that you are.

You didn’t pay attention to Dent’s charm until one of your friends, a mitigator also, had to mention the obvious:

“I’m a firm believer Dent has a thing for you.”

“Pfft, I wish,” the clueless Y/N elbowed Amalia.

“He does! You know how I know? Each time someone else calls him Senator, he gets pissed because he doesn’t like to be reminded of his past. When you call him Senator, not a peep out of him. He’s coming our way; quickly, test my hypothesis!”

You don’t know why you listened to her, still you opened your mouth and exclaimed:

“Good morning, Senator!”

“Good morning, Y/N!” Harvey smiled and rushed towards the warehouse where the weekly auction was taking place.

“Love is in the air,” Amalia chuckled at her friend’s baffled reaction.

Turned out she wasn’t far from the truth: at that auction, Harvey purchased your aptitudes for an entire week. You though he must’ve had quite the project but you were wrong.

“I actually don’t have anything going on,” he informed while you were walking together in the direction of the parking lot. “I know you are always busy and you deserve a vacation. I’m going to my cabin by The Red Lake; if it pleases you, you’re welcomed to come and check it out; I’ll text you the address. If not, enjoy your days off regardless.”

“You spent a ton of money for me to do nothing??!!”

“I think it was money wisely spent,” Dent winked and left a perplexed Y/N in the parking lot, weighting in on his suggestion.

When you didn’t show up at his property in the first day, Two Face was more than disappointed. When you didn’t show up the second day, he felt the universe was against him: bad stuff happened for so long he desperately wanted something positive to materialize in his life.

It was late evening when Harvey went for a swim in the lake and as he was returning to the shore, he gasped noticing Y/N waiting for him.

“Nice place you have here, Senator!” you shouted so he can hear you. “How’s the water?”

“Warm!”

You took off your sandals, stepped in the water with your short summer dress and swam until you were so close you wrapped your arms around his neck.

“I got a cramp in my leg,” you crinkled your nose and he bought it.

“Let’s get out of here; hold on to me!” the concerned Dent tried to swim but you stopped him.

“Let’s float here for a while. It’s beautiful outside.”

It was complete silence for a few seconds, then Harvey articulated with such vehemence it instantly piqued your interest:

“When I was DA and running for office, I had a great speech about how to protect the environment and save natural habitats; my whole campaign evolved around it.”

“Did you?”

“One of the best I ever wrote.”

“Can I hear it?”

“Now?!”

You nodded a yes and genuinely got pulled into the vivid discourse that lasted for about 20 minutes.  

“Are you bored yet?” Dent laughed and Y/N held him tighter.

“Not at all. I would vote for you.”

“Would you?” the pure happiness on his face made you kiss him.  

How many can relate to being turned on at a first date by a political speech? Not too many.

But Y/N can. That’s why Harvey is special.

Unlike The Joker. If only someone would toss him off a cliff…

**************

Three days later

“Jesus!” your boyfriend protests as you snap one of his muscles in place.

“Shit!” The Joker wheezes when your foot presses on his messed up back.

You’ve been massaging both for the last half hour, irritated your night is ruined.

Why?

Well, you told Harvey about The Inverted Screwdriver and what it did to The Clown so you can both make fun of his misfortune. It was hilarious until he decided to try it and BAM! Out of commission.

On the other hand, J didn’t listen when you warned him not to attempt the accursed position again, thus his stubborn ass ended up at your house. His team loaded J in a truck and brought him over so you can perform your miraculous massage on him.

Perfect timing because Dent is also a victim of his own ego: pfuuuu!!! You’re so mad at them!

Goddamn Inverted Screwdriver!

“More wine?” The Joker’s girl pours the red liquid in your glass, offering much needed compensation for your troubles.

You halt and guzzle down the alcohol, firmly keeping your balance on top of the guys that hate each other’s guts, yet have no choice but to be nearby due to this unprecedented occurrence.

“I’m sick of glaring at your ugly mug!” Dent admonishes The Joker.

“Likewise!” J switches his position only to hear more complains:

“That’s even uglier!”

“Oh my God!” you stomp on both their backs on purpose, screams of pain following your revenge. “Can you please shut up?!”

“Yeah, zip it!” Cianna reinforces your request: she’s not thrilled about the situation either.

You have no idea why she stays with The Joker or what she sees in him; he’s the epitome of obnoxiousness.  

“After I’m done, try not to move for 30 minutes. Lay here, then take a hot shower and relax in bed until tomorrow morning,” you report the small group.

“I’m not taking a shower with him!” J argues out of the blue.

“Nobody suggested that!” Harvey tries to shove his nemesis further from his body.

“And I’m not sleeping in the same bed with him!” The Joker continues to spit out nonsense.

“What is wrong with you?!” Two Face yells and you hop off their backs, fed up with the bickering.

“I’m taking Y/N away from here,” Cianna scoffs. “We’re going to have dinner downtown! You two can’t do too much anyway and she deserves a break.”

“Have fun, honey!” Dent grunts while crawling away from The Clown.

“I forbit it!” the latest has the opposite reaction to a girls night out.

“Nobody cares, Joker!” your man’s words are heard before exiting the house.

“They’re driving me nuts! I don’t understand this obsession with The Inverted Screwdriver!” you bitterly growl.

“Tell me about it,” Cianna agrees. “It’s literally so lame! It does nothing to me!”

“Same!” you dig in your pocket to make sure you have the car keys. “Completely useless!”

“God, sometimes I feel like throwing J off a cliff!” the frustrated woman vociferates her hardships and she doesn’t comprehend why you suddenly look delighted.

That’s because brilliant minds think alike.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

You adopted this strange hooman about one year ago. How did that happen? It’s pretty simple: although you never wanted to be near people, something prompted you to change your mind, thus The Joker ended up with the spunkiest cat in the world and you ended up with one of the worst individuals on the planet. Absolutely puurrrfect.

You’ve been hanging around a remote cabin in the woods until it turned out it was actually one of The Clown’s hideouts.

You thought it was weird when there was suddenly movement around the property:  a bunch of people securing the area plus the patio door finally opened prompted the curious cat you are to gather the courage and explore the house. You sneaked inside, immediately freezing when you saw the green haired man digging in the fridge.

After a few seconds the hooman noticed you also and slowly walked towards you, reaching his hand out but that didn’t go well: you rushed under the couch, wondering if inspecting the cottage was a very bad idea.

“Hey kitty-kitty,” The King of Gotham kneeled in order to see you and you backed out more. You weren’t sure what he was up to when the man suddenly disappeared, only for you to discern he left a bowl of milk in front of the sofa a minute later.

Oh, wow! You didn’t have milk in forever!

“Get out of there, kitty,” The Joker encouraged you. “Don’t you wanna eat?”

Mmmm…maybe?…

“Aren’t you fluffy!” J exclaimed at the sight of the furry cat. He patted your head and you didn’t like it.

“Not now, hooman!” you hissed and he snickered, amused.

“Feisty pest,” he scolded and watched you scarfing down the milk which was done pretty fast. Then, you went to examine The Clown. You sniffed his shirt, then your whiskers touched his fingers while he scratched under your chin. Wasn’t too bad because you jumped in his lap and purred, completely taken aback when the hooman made similar sounds.

The ears going straight up made him smile.

“What, you think you’re the only one that can purr?”

J checked you out, searching for a collar but there was none.

“Do you belong to anybody?”

“Meowwww.”

“Probably not, hm?” he grumbled at the tangled fur. “Do you have fleas?” The Joker checked.

“Yes, hooman and I love to share them,” you licked your front paws and meowed again, spending a lot of time on his knees.

A couple of hours later The Joker and his team decided to return to Gotham and you were placed in this fancy, purple car with leather seats. J didn’t have a cage for transportation, yet he figured you will sleep in the passenger’s seat for the length of the trip.

Yeah…no!

While he was busy spewing orders before departure, you clawed the leather a million times, adoring the feeling of tearing apart every inch of it.

The Joker was speechless when he laid eyes on your masterpiece in all its glory.

“My…God!! What have you done?! Bad kitty!!!” The Clown reprimanded and hopped in the vehicle, proud of your achievement. “Great job! I wanted to change the seats anyway,” he petted the audacious cat that was preparing to run in order to avoid punishment.

As far as you remember, that was the instance when you decided to adopt the hooman: he was different and encouraged misbehavior since he welcomed mayhem in his life. Perhaps that’s why he named you “Chaos”; you ended up with this beautiful gold collar encrusted with diamonds: one side has your name on it, the other states “property of Joker.”

I mean, you let him have it: poor delusional King, he thinks you’re his property when in fact it’s the other way around.

After enduring cleaning, grooming and shots at the vet, he wouldn’t expect you to put up with anything else, right?

Nothing is truly safe, including the Christmas tree. You glared at the beautiful lights and ornaments forever, marveled at the sparkly objects. J was excited at your reaction: he took eight videos of his kitty mesmerized with the shrub and the exact moment you attacked is immortalized on his phone.

“Here we go!” The Joker cheered at the menace climbing the huge tree, shattering several crystal ornaments and breaking a few flimsy branches on its way to conquer the giant.

His crazy laughter echoed in the penthouse, obviously thrilled at what he was witnessing. Anybody else would have been livid, but not J. That’s why next day you brought him a present: a dead bird you caught on the terrace straight into his bed early in the morning.

“For me?” he calmly inquired and squished you in his arms against your will. “You’re such a rascal. Good job, I have to wash the sheets anyway,” The Clown kissed your nose and you struggled to escape his embrace until you broke free.

He watched you in awe bringing his sleepers over to the bedside.

“Hurry up, hooman. I gave you my bird, I’m hungry!”

Meow, meow, meow, meow he heard and rolled out of bed.

“Sheesh, hold on, I’m coming!” The Joker complained yet he followed you.

You have to admit you did a decent job training him: he’s not perfect, still… he’ll get there.

The same thing can be said about the woman that keeps coming over; you adopted her too. You had no choice, they are both quite helpless.

And they fight a lot.

Thanks goodness you’re around since she uses you as an excuse to visit after she storms out promising she’s done with him!

You’re also the reason why Francesca was worried sick after you disappeared. She broke up with J for the millionth time, then she found out you were gone and wanted to help find you. That’s how J and his girlfriend reunited again. How did that happen?

The Joker took you to the cabin again and let you roam around freely, only you didn’t resurface at night fall. Oh boy, The King of Gotham was ballistic! You were gone and he organized a humongous search party to comb the entire land without any success. You just vanished!

They looked everywhere without any success, thus eventually the crew had to give up and leave the premises.

The Joker had a hard time adjusting to his post-Chaos life, he couldn’t stand not having the mischievous fluff ball in his home. He often returned to the cottage, upset the cat was gone until one day a miracle occurred.

He stepped out of the car and who darted out of the woods and ran by his side?

U-hum!

“Where were you???!!” The Clown frantically squeezed the pet he didn’t see in months, kissing the soft fur every few seconds. “I was sure we’ll never cross paths, you little monster!”

“Why would I leave?! I spent weeks training you!” you replied and he perceived a bunch of meowing. “I went deep in the forest, I missed it,” you explained although J didn’t understand. “Where were you, hooman?” you cuddled to his neck and The Clown Prince of Crime didn’t recall the last time he was totally happy like he was in that moment. “I have to show you something!” you sled off his hands and guided him at the shed situated on the west side of the cottage.

“Holy crap!” The Joker wandered at the six tiny kittens guarded by their father.

“Maaawww!”

“That’s why you abandoned me, huh?” J grabbed the male cat and held it at eye level. “Are you responsible for this?”

Jax (that’s what the green haired individual named him later) is a mellow dude, that’s why you like him.

“Meowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww,” the cat yawned and you told him:

“This is my hooman, the one I told you about!” Chaos rubbed her body against The Joker’s leg, actually pleased to meet him again.

“Mawww, mawww, mawww,” Jax whined and he was put down in a hurry, the mad man trying to avoid scratches inflicted by the new cat Chaos brought into his life.

Yup, the great King didn’t have another choice besides brining home the other animals.

Jax also got a collar and a cozy bed to share with Chaos and their small kittens, yet he’s not impressed with The Joker to the present day.

“This is our place,” the male cat points out. “Why do we have to share it with this hooman and his girl?!”

“We adopted them,” you stretch, careful not to wake up the babies. “We can’t just kick them out of the penthouse!”

“I know, but this is my territory! Ours!” he corrects himself when you snarl.

“They’re so vocal,” Francesca elbows The Joker in a faint attempt to patch things up after they had a horrible argument today. “What do you think they’re talking about?” she scoots closer to him.

“Dunno…” the grouchy Clowns replies. “Cat stuff…”

“Aww, look how he takes care of her,” she giggles watching Jax licking your head. “I wish you’d let me take care of you,” Francesca touches his busted lip: J got into an altercation last night and it didn’t go very smooth.

You guys should see the other person!

“I don’t need anybody to take care of me,” The Joker bitterly pushes his girl away and she’s on the verge of crying.

“Oh no,” you shrug. “The hooman is messing up again. Quickly, help me get the kittens in their bed.”

“Why?” Jax questions your proposal.

“We adopted these people and we’re responsible for them, that’s why! I have an idea.”

Francesca sniffles, her attention diverted by the older cats bringing the little ones in the big bed.

“What’s going on?” J brushes his fingers on top of the soft furs, pretending not to notice Francesca “accidentally” keeps touching him while petting them too.

“Not sure, but this is very cute,” she giggles and wipes her tears, distracted by your strategy.

“Go cuddle with him, I’ll cuddle with her,” you urge Jax and he protests:

“No, I don’t like him!”

“I said now!” you yawl and Jax is fast to obey.

“I think the babies will get cold,” Francesca takes advantage of the situation as you hoped, closing the gap between her body and The Joker’s. “We have to keep them warm.”

No other sounds coming from The Clown so she tries one more time:

“You know who you resemble right now?”

“Who?”

“A crazy cat lady.”

No reaction for a split second before The Joker bursts into laughter, genuinely delighted by her remark.

“Awesome,” he nods in agreement and you have to acknowledge it is awesome indeed: thank heavens you adopted the hooman, otherwise he would end up worse than being… a crazy cat lady.

Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

Mister J’s girlfriend escaped from a high security prison two days ago and the authorities have no idea how it happened: the truth is the outgoing investigation has reached a dead end. This highly classified matter can’t find a reasonable explanation for the prisonbreak following a series of baffling events.

The Vault

“Yes?” the CIA inspector Daniels wiggles in his chair at the faint knock, aware the individual requested for today’s classified briefing is on the other side of the door.

“FBI Special Agent Kane is here,” the secretary announces before letting in the impeccable suit.

“Sir!” he greets while the woman makes herself scarce because she knows they won’t talk until she’s gone.

“Lock the door,” the inspector growls before inviting Kane to take a seat. “Did you read the file?” he immediately goes straight to the point.

“Yes, sir. I did.”

“The reason why I called you…Mmmm…there are several aspects of this situation we did not include into the original report.”

“I figured,” Kane’s answer prompts the inspector’s urge to share the extra information he’s eager to pass along. “You’re familiar with The Joker’s plans to rob Gotham National Bank three months ago went down a different path than expected.”

“U-hum,” the FBI agent acknowledges.

“The seif was equipped with a sensor enabling an explosion to take place as soon as someone stepped on at least 5 pressure plates leading to the main vault: there is no way to get to it unless you walk on them; a secret feature only the bank owner, Bruce Wayne knew about and security team leader that installed this feature. Wherever The Joker got his info, of course it didn’t include any of this: there’s no blue print mentioning such trigger. Obviously, after the fact, now we know about it,” Daniels sighs, frustrated. “The blast was meant to seal the exit, trapping thieves until cops were able to apprehend them. Something went wrong because the detonation messed up half the vault also: The Joker got caught in the explosion and died from internal injuries while his girlfriend survived since she was further inside the metal box.”

Kane wonders if new details will emerge soon thus he pays attention to the projection screen displaying images behind the inspector.

“This is where the SWAT team found The Joker and Y/N,” the inspector indicates the north corner of the vault. “She managed to pull him from under the rubble and he was pronounced dead at the scene: head resting in her lap and still holding her hand. They had to break his fingers in order to separate them. Y/N was in shock, didn’t react in any way besides uttering the words: ‘ I would have… eventually.’ Since in custody, she’s been into a catatonic state, didn’t say a word besides mumbling the same phrase a few instances.”

“What does that even mean?” Kane frowns.

“Probably nonsense,” the inspector types on his laptop in order to show the FBI agent intriguing facts that baffle him.” What you are about to see defies any explanations we came up with so far, that’s what we need the FBI input on the whole affair.”

“Certainly,” Kane agrees, wondering about the video depicting you sitting on the bed in your cell dated 3 weeks post incarceration.

“The medical assistant was trying to collect a blood sample,” the inspector narrates. “As you can see, he’s quite rough, not exactly the standard procedure.”

“Holy…!!” the FBI agent exclaims when the nurse unexpectedly flies over the room, violently crushed against the bars one second later.

“Six broken ribs, fractured shoulder and a twisted ankle,” the aftermath is presented to Kane. “Y/N didn’t move, she didn’t react in any way. What do you think caused that?”

“I’m… I’m not sure…” Kane mutters in disbelief.

“There’s more,” the inspector clicks nexton the video file and continues: “This occurred 2 weeks after the incident in the middle of the night at 12:07am. Y/N’s prison gate suddenly unlocked and she got up from the bed, walked outside and roamed the East corridor until the personnel seized her.”

“Was this maybe an inside job?”

“Nope, tripled checked and everyone was cleared; it wasn’t an inside job. She got moved to a more secured area, same thing happened,” the camera footage displays Y/N cell door suddenly opening in the middle of the night and her walking out. “And she got moved again… voila!” Daniels puckers his lips at yet another puzzling circumstance of the detainee strolling outside her cell, shortly recaptured afterwards.

“Did you scan for hardware or software malfunctions?” Kane asks, although he’s confident they did.

“Over and over; the equipment is the best quality, no errors encountered. So you understand our dilemma. And the night she escaped… that’s the cherry on top!” the inspector takes a deep breath, replaying the video that bothers him more than anything else in his entire career. ”The segment you’re about to witness is the burden of my existence for the moment,” the 51 years old huffs. “Two days ago, at 11:08 pm, the gate to her cell opened. In the same time, the ambush created by The Joker’s henchmen trying to breach security in order to get her was in full bloom,” the screen split in half illustrates the carnage simultaneously unfolding with your breakout.

“What is that?!” Kane gestures at the images, fascinated.

“You noticed?” the inspector bites his lip at the disturbing revelation. “It appears there’s someone in front of her and she follows. This is a thermal picture: only Y/N; you switch to normal transmission, it seems there’s a person guiding her through the maze of hallways in order to avoid being captured. This is infrared: just her, you change to normal view… I’m positive you can conclude for yourself.”

“I’ll be…” Kane leans over on his chair, totally absorbed into the mystery. “What the hell are we looking at?!”

“Beats me, that’s why we require FBI’s aid on this rather delicate matter until we recover the fugitive.”

************

I would have…eventually

They were actually The Joker’s last words, the last sentence he ever said to you. Authorities might believe what Y/N kept repeating was a bunch of gibberish, yet for her it meant something: a phrase related to J’s stubbornness and his unwillingness to comply with the simplest request.

“I know you love me, you don’t have to say it,” you’d lecture an indifferent boyfriend.

“Here we go,” The King of Gotham would acknowledge his ordeal, listening to your tirade nonetheless.

“It’s obvious you do, don’t try to deny it!” you would get so worked up it amused him. “If you don’t want to articulate three words, fine! But what you can do is draw a stupid heart next to mine,” Y/N’s finger would eagerly scribble a heart on the steamy mirror after taking a shower. “Then I’ll be 100% assured of your affection.”

“Who?!” J teased as he was drying his hair with a towel. “And why are we having this conversation in the bathroom?!”

“I’m trying to make it easy for you, ok?” you would hiss, annoyed. “It’s a fair compromise!”

“Very easy,” The Joker grinned. “Let me see…” he cracked his neck like he was preparing for some elaborate workout routine. “Hm…” J debated and shortly there was a little obscenity next to your masterpiece.

“Really?!” the angry woman stomped out of the bathroom with The Clown shouting:

“Come on, Pumpkin. I need practice!”

He needed practice alright; you gave him numerous chances for him to make it up to you. Did he? Naaaahhh.

After weeks of him refusing to fulfill your demand, you gave up on the idea because it was useless: J was a stubborn mule and he wasn’t going to participate in your mind games out of pure spite. You stopped the ritual and of course, The Joker had to underline his affliction:

“How come you don’t bless the steamy mirror with your heart, Princess? I couldn’t wait to exhibit my skills each day!”

“Yeah, with crap! Pretty clear to me you don’t take it seriously. I’m done!” you brushed him off although it was upsetting The King of Gotham was a jerk regarding an issue that was very important to you.

“I would have…eventually,” J found it wise to justify his cockiness. “You’re the one that quit, it’s your fault our art project won’t come to fruition!” he blamed you for his failure to yield.

“Do you think it’s easy to encounter love and keep it?” Y/N inquired and that’s when he realized you seemed hurt.

“Why do you keep on brining this up, Pumpkin?” it was his turn to bite. “I tolerate you, that should be enough.”

“Tolerate me?!” your voice trembled. “You tolerate the weather, J! You tolerate allergies, spicy food, a holiday you can’t stand, you name it! I’m your Queen and at least you should admit you have some feelings for me. God forbids you do that though!”

“What feelings?” the sarcastic Joker puffed.

The slammed door made him roll his eyes.

“Tough crowd,” his majesty maliciously chuckled, super excited he made you snap out of your silly scheme to admit a truth he believed was an aberration.

**************

Heart
You stretch your legs under the comfortable blankets, the reality slowly settling in.

6am… so early… but you can’t sleep any longer. It’s quiet at the hideout you were hauled to after the gang came to break you out of the high security prison three days ago.

Weird things happened and your brain has difficulty processing some events; most of days you spent incarcerated were numb, dull and repetitive due to being stuffed with meds supposed to help with your frail mental state.

J was gone… How could anything replace him?…

And then Frost didn’t make any sense when he disclosed the guys were dumbfounded when they bumped into you on the 1^stfloor; you told them one of them guided you towards the exit but Jonny insisted nobody made it that far inside the building. The squad forced their way in and it wasn’t easy to make it where you met them: the prison was a fortress!

Plus…you were the only one knowing the passwords for a lot of online accounts and locations for The Joker’s stash, so they had to organize an ambush: your men wanted to get paid and continue to get paid regardless of their boss’s demise. As long as Y/N is alive, the show can go on. The problem is that the show sort of halted for The Queen, no desire to continue with anything. At least for now…

“Are you awake?” Frost makes his presence known.

“Yes, I’m awake,” your nose emerges from under the covers and Jonny reckons you look exhausted.

“Barely touched dinner,” he points at the take-out box left by your bed the previous evening.

“I’m not hungry…”

“You have to eat, Y/N,” Frost settles a new container with breakfast from your favorite restaurant on the nightstand, deciding to test the waters. “If you don’t eat, you’ll…”

“…Turn into a monster,” you finish what J used to tell you on a regular basis: he always insisted that you have to munch on food because he didn’t want to deal with your temper while having an empty stomach.

The sad smile on your face gradually vanishes, giving way to tears and Jonny hands over the Kleenex box he spotted on the floor.

“Do you want me to get rid of some of his things?”

“No,” you shake your head, blowing your nose in the tissue. “His things stay.”

“As you wish.”

“Any updates on what they did with him?” you sniffle and unfortunately Jonny doesn’t have a clue.

“No, nothing yet. We are trying hard to discover if he was cremated or buried in a cemetery.”

“Do you believe he’s in one of those freezers they have in morgues?” the devastated Y/N searches for a comforting answer and Jonny has a hint on why she’s so restless: The King of Gotham hated being cold.

“I hope not…”

“Me too,” you keep wiping your eyes whilst the subject is redirected towards an interesting twist.

“We’re all over the news. The authorities are trying very hard to find you and they offer 1 million dollars to anyone that has any valid information on your whereabouts.”

“Screw them,” you dismiss Frost’s attempt to cheer you up. “I think I’ll take a shower and then I will spend the day in bed.”

“Don’t forget breakfast,” he takes the hint and makes himself scarce as you whisper:

“Yes, dad.”

Y/N drags her feet on the carpet, the objective of enjoying a hot shower on a chilly, early morning constituting the highlight of the day: not too much to be excited about with everything that transpired following The Joker’s death during the heist.

You turn on the water and sneak behind the glass panels, the droplets quite invigorating and you surely need the boost of energy.

A faint clatter noise makes you scout the bathroom.

“Frost? Is that you?”

No reply. It wouldn’t be Frost anyway, he’s not the type that would invade your privacy unless there’s an emergency.

You come out of the shower, the thick steam concealing what you are about to find; as your fingers reach for the toothbrush, you finally notice it: a heart on the foggy mirror.

You’re uncertain how to react since logic defies any interpretation you could come up with about how the drawing ended up here. Unless…

“J?… …” you hesitantly scribble a similar shape before bursting into tears.

The truth is The Queen might not know where The Joker’s body is, but one thing is clear: his heart is where it belongs.

Next to hers.

 Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker’s son has an unrequited crush on Bane’s daughter and no matter how many times he tried to get under her skin she just didn’t show any interest. Kase is not the one to be discouraged by such insignificant details, plus a recent turn in events might aid stir things towards a better outcome.

“Hi Y/N,” Kase greets you while you try to move boxes with smuggled artefacts Bane and The Joker decided to share after a joint heist last month.

“Hey,” you keep it short hoping he will sort of make himself useful and disappear.

“Once we’re done here, wanna go for a coffee or ice cream?” the twenty year old tries to nonchalantly bring it up.

“No, sorry. I’m busy,” you pass by him in order to get to more crates in the pile. “Are you going to help?”

“Sure,” he sulks and bends over to reach the biggest container since he wishes to show off. Grunting, exertion, some mumbled cussing and mild sweating point out the simple fact he won’t be able to achieve his goal.

“Don’t break your bones, Casanova!” Bane shouts as J watches you lift the huge box without any effort and can’t help it:

“Would you look at that! Goddamn bulldozer!”

Any other parent will flip hearing such nonsense, coming from the Joker is definitely praise and your father is aware.

“She has good genes,” he huffs, proud at his daughter’s achievements.

“My son has to marry your daughter,” The King of Gotham teases the agenda to his business partner. “I’m all in for a partnership like that.”

“She’s eighteen!” Bane frowns, starting to get annoyed because The Joker mentions it on a regular basis.

“For heaven’s sake, not now! In a few years!”

“I’m happy you have it planned, but Casanova can’t even score a date,” your parent has the humongous satisfaction of pressing J’s buttons.

“Oh, he will! He has my charm, it’s bound to happen,” the smirk unraveling those uncanny silver teeth makes Bane roll his eyes.

“U-huummm, suuuure. How can he fail possessing such unmeasurable capabilities?” the brute sarcastically tramples on The Clown’s affirmations.

In the meantime, you carry another heavy item on your shoulder towards one of the trucks and have to stop in front of Kase: he’s ogling you, his mouth slightly opened with admiration. You place your index finger under his chin and close his jaw together, willing to perform a public service:

“So flies won’t get in,” your explanation makes the young man burst into laughter.

You have more to say but you notice a detail regarding The Joker: Bane abandoned him by the SUVs and J is glaring at his new shoes, then at the car Frost parked on the other side of the field, at his shoes again.

Oh no… you know what that means: trouble. Why?

Last night’s storm left a bunch of muddy puddles behind and The King will soon decide to walk into them, which will result in a complete disaster: he’ll get pissed his shoes are ruined, then have a tantrum followed by him randomly punishing henchmen, heads will roll. Your dad will be mad and the conflict is already lined up. Might as well avoid it before it blows out of proportions.

“Hold the fort!” you address Kase and wander off to rescue his dad. “New shoes Mister Joker?” you ask whilst he mutters a faint yes. “Want a piggy back ride?”

“Supposedly,” he doesn’t reject the offer thus you encourage his majesty:

“Hop on, Mister J!”

Bane happens to turn the corner beyond the cars situated north the parking lot and halts at the sight of his daughter fetching J across the meadow.

“Not again!” he sneers and yells: “Y/N!!! What are you doing?! He has two legs, doesn’t he?!”

“I don’t want to get dirty!” The Clown vociferates his main concern.

“Almost there!” you hurry so Bane won’t snap. “Here you go, Mister J,” you discard the burden by his vehicle. “I have an extra pair of rubber boots in my trunk, you can borrow them if they fit.”

“How can I wear rubber boots with this outfit?” J scrunches up his face and you definitely have no tolerance for a fashion speech.

“Ok then Mister J, I’ll return to my task. Holler if you require further assistance.”

“He doesn’t!” Bane cuts you off, irritated. “Quit taking advantage of my kid’s strength!” the threat has no effect on The Joker.

“I’m not taking advantage! She’s the one that offered!”

“I did, it’s fine!” you attempt to diffuse the quarrel and now it seems Kase is fiddling with his hearing aid which prompts you to rush over to him. “Problems?” Y/N inquires although she guessed the reply.

“I think the battery is dead,” J’s son informs.

“I have some in my car.”

“Hm?”

“I have some in my car!” you raise your voice since he can’t hear well: Kase is almost deaf in the right ear due to a misfortunate event that happened when he was a baby. A rival gang attacked The Joker’s convoy while the infant was in one of the cars, not that it mattered to the assholes. They used grenades trying to kill The Clown and as far as you could gather from your father, Kase is lucky to be alive because one explosion blasted the vehicle he was in upside down.

“Oh, these are special batteries, really tiny,” J’s son explains and you signal him to accompany you. “They go by hearing aid model number. Mine is R705.”

“I know, you told me before, remember? I have them!”

“You do?!”

“Yup,” you open your car and search the glove compartment, handing the product to Kase moments after.

“Thanks! That’s awesome!” the sweet smile flourishing on his lips makes Y/N grouchy.

“Don’t think anything of it, got it? I have your stuff because you’re never prepared. You should be more responsible!”

Kase changes the minuscule battery then puts it back in his ear.

“Let me see!” you tuck his long hair behind the ear for a better view as he’s gathering his locks in a man bun. “I think you’re good. Can you hear me?”

“Yes, perfect!”

“Issue solved,” you snatch your phone from the passenger’s seat and inspect for messages.

“Y/N, wanna hang out with us at the cabin?” the text from Scarecrow’s offspring pops on the screen. “The others will be there also. Don’t tell Kase, he’s not invited!”

“I’ll be there tonight,” you type. “Not a peep out of me,” you giggle at the thought the guys don’t want Kase there for once. It’s nice to take a break from him hanging out in the same circles you prefer. “What are you doing?” you glimpse at the twenty year old munching on the trail mix clusters he just found in your car.

“Sorry, I’m hungry. I should’ve asked first,” he apologizes yet that’s the last concern you have.

“Can’t you read what it says on the bag?? It contains peanuts!”

“… … Shit!…” Kase utters in between coughing since he’s highly allergic to peanuts; wheezing intensifies, his cheeks red from the effort of trying to breathe.

“Do you have your EpiPen with you?!” Y/N frantically scouts her backpack before The Joker notes. Why?

The pattern never fails: J doesn’t know how to handle stress when it comes to his son; he’ll panic, scream at everybody, then he’ll randomly shoot henchmen, heads will roll. Your dad will get angry and the dispute could have a very ugly outcome. Might as well nip it in the butt.

“EpiPen?” you insist and Kase barely whispers a no when you finally find it. “A-ha!” you exclaim and retract it from your rucksack, the lifesaving medicine injected into his thigh within seconds. “Better?” you help him sit on the hood.

“Y-yeah…” he coughs some more, his breathing still a bit chaotic.

“Everything alright?” Frost approaches the two young people, suspicious at their behavior.

“Don’t tell his dad,” you plead when Jonny spots the EpiPen in your hand. “He’s past danger. Deal?”

You don’t have to beg for Frost’s silence; he’s fully aware of the repercussions if his boss finds out.

“If he’s OK… I won’t.”

“He’s perfect, aren’t you Kase?” you elbow the patient and he confirms:

“Stellar!”  

Jonny is distancing himself from you so he won’t attract anymore unwanted attention, thus J’s son interrogates.

“Why do you have an EpiPen? You’re not allergic to anything, are you?”

“Nope. Someone has to keep an eye on you because you’re completely careless!” you scold and leave him to recover, certainly determined to finish with the crates in order to drive to the cabin for some fun.

*************

2:04 am, The Cabin in Sherwood Forest

You wiggle under the blanket, squeezing one of the pillows in your arms. The ruckus escalates: cars honking, a bunch of vexed remarks and fighting, heavy steps and your name being called out makes you finally wake up from your sleep.

“Y/N!!! Y/N!!!!”

“Where are you?”

“Y/N!!!” you distinguish your father’s deep tone.

“Daddy?!” you roll off the bed and the door suddenly being kicked in makes you jump.

“She’s in here, sir!” Tony directs Bane towards the bedroom upstairs where you are.

“What’s going on?” you ask yet he doesn’t have a chance to respond: Bane barges in, and to say he’s livid would be an understatement. Even if he has the mask on, you know his moods and you can tell he’s passed his threshold.

“Are you ok, honey?”

“Yes. Why?… What’s wrong?” you demand a justification and he snarls, displeased.

“Apparently a stupid prank if such an aberration can be called a prank!”

“What prank?” the confused Y/N doesn’t get a commentary because Bane’s cell rings and he immediately answers.

“Crane!!!” he shrieks. “Do you know what junior and the others are up to??!!!”

“Dad?” you tap on his military vest and Bane exits the premises, gesturing towards the garden.

“Find Kase, he’ll tell you more,” then he starts lashing out at Scarecrow while striding with you following him.

What’s Kase doing here? you think as you descend the stairs; the living room is swarming with your parent’s crew members, although you also recognize some of The Joker’s subordinates. So strange!

The patio’s doors are wide open thus you march on the porch, stunned: more henchmen plus a multitude of cars flooding the driveway up to the paved road. Scarecrow’s son and your friends are gathered under a tree, avoiding making eye contact with anybody.

Further near where the trails begin you spot Kase standing by your vehicle; he seems lost in thought, intensely gazing at the grass under his sneakers.

“Hi,” your short acknowledgment shakes him out of trance.

“Y/N! Are you alright? Did they do something to you?” he checks you out worried.

“Who’s they?” the puzzled girl realizes Kase is referring to your friends. “No, it was the usual: we hang out, watched movies and gossiped. After the girls left I decided to spend the night so I did. Why?”

“I got this on my phone earlier,” he shows you the message from Andy Crane and at last you’re enlightened about the mystery: there’s a picture of you napping in the tank top and shorts you are wearing now, but the caption makes you shiver.

“Quite a nice tush I’d say. We put sleeping pills in her water, she’s totally out. We’ll take turns soon, want us to wait for you so you can go first? I know you like her.”

“What the hell is this??!!” you stare at him understanding why there’s an army at the cabin: the moronic prank or whatever they intended for it to be didn’t perform as expected. Stupid move from your pals considering wars between gangs have started for far more less than a very distasteful joke.

“I feared they’d actually do such a thing, so I kept on calling them and you. Nobody picked up and I told my dad, then I contacted yours also,” Kase touches his freshly busted lip.

“How did you get this?” you brush your thumb over the fresh wound.

“I got into a scuffle with them,” he hatefully gestures at the six boys staring back at you two.

The Joker shouts sentences you can’t comprehend, he’s too far from your position and it makes you wonder what it took to drag him at this place in the middle of the night for a matter that doesn’t concern him.

“Wait for me!” you decide to confront the boys and stomp where they assembled given the circumstances. “Andy!!!!” the resentful Y/N calls him out. “What’s with the message, huh?”

“Calm down, would you?” he growls. “It was a hoax!”

“A hoax??! And what did you hope will happen? That Kase would show up to be the first in line? And use that against him? Or what? What was the purpose?”

“Why are you so mad? Nothing happened,” Harvey Dent’s son pouts.

“You’re a bunch of idiots!” you prepare to bail when Andy gets on your nerves.

“You actually care for the psycho? Is that why you’re angry?”

Oh man, this is the last drop: whatever the heck is wrong with The Clown is not hereditary and such an accusation attempting to distract you from the real mess doesn’t work.

“You sneaked in my room and took a picture while I was sleeping! That’s fucking creepy, Andy!! Who do you think the psycho is in this scenario?!” you hiss and that doesn’t go well with him or the rest.

The Joker discerns the noise and can’t hold in an entitled grin watching Y/N’s fists creating serious damage within the group that dared disrupt everyone’s peaceful night. It’s clear you don’t need any help kicking ass that’s why Kase nor anybody else bothered to intervene.

“Goddamn bulldozer! Plowed right through them!” he shows your father. Bane scoffs, irked at the whole charade and J’s obnoxiousness adds to the fire.

“Who’s gonna pay me for coming here with my men, hm?”

“I didn’t ask you to come!”

“I wasn’t going to sit idle while my future daughter-in -law is in grave peril!”

“Would you give it a break??!” Bane loses patience for The King’s shenanigans. “Go home!”

“Pfft, tough crowd,” The Joker sucks on his teeth, forgetting he’s about to go ballistic at your parent’s insinuations. “What did I tell you? He has my charm!” he triumphantly praises his son when he sees him getting in your car.

“Ugghhh,” Bane removes himself from J’s vicinity, fed up with the useless yapping.

****************

“Thanks for giving me a ride,” Kase sighs.

“Sure, I’m going the same direction. I’ll drop you off.”

“I appreciate it,” that sweet smile of his lightens up the atmosphere. “I know you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You don’t?” Kase suspiciously inquires.

“How should I put it? Every time I look at you, I feel like punching you in the face.”

The Joker’s son is more than delighted at the confession.

“So you like me!”

“Oh my God, don’t make me regret giving you a ride!” Y/N wiggles in her chair, the glove compartment suddenly unlatching when she takes a sharp corner. The bright, pink neon writing on your snack bags makes your companion scan through the items.

“Contains peanuts. Do not put in your mouth!” he chuckles, recognizing your hand writing. “No peanuts - safe to eat,” he reads aloud and you don’t want him to get the wrong impression.

“You always grab food and eat without paying attention. I can’t have a guilty conscience!”

Why does he have to smile like this?! He’s so aggravating.

“I’m free for lunch tomorrow,” you slowly blink, not believing you just uttered such crap.

“Are you?!” Kase fumbles with his hearing aid in case it’s malfunctioning and he misheard.

“Pick me up at 12, ok?”

“OK,” he agrees and if The Joker was there, he would probably say the miracle happened because of the charm genes he passed to his son.

Luckily, he’s not there to brag otherwise it might ruin things for Casanova.

Also read:Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Joker x Reader - “Deadpool” Part 3

You’re out of town for a couple of days and Wade is bored out of his mind, thus he figured wooing The Joker into hanging out should take care of his blues. Your boyfriend can’t stand Deadpool but that’s not something that’s going to stop Mister Wilson, especially since he’s on a mission to rekindle their inexistent bromance.

Part 1      Part 2

“O sole miooooooo…” Wade keeps serenading The Joker, perfectly aware The King’s in the jacuzzi on the terrace above ignoring him on purpose. Another deep breath ready to belch out more notes when finally J pops up, annoyed.

“Bro!!!” the red suited menace lifts his arms in the air, excited. “Let’s hang out!”

“Get lost, Swimming Pool!”

“Come on, man! I know you’ve missed me! I’m so bored without Y/N!!”

“Shut your trap!” The Joker threatens. “Emma’s taking a nap!”

“Shit, sorry,” Wade lowers his voice. “To show you I mean business I brought your favorite pizza and grape juice,” he points at the tokens displayed on the grass in front of him. “Can I come up?”

“No, disappear!”

“Breaks my heart to see you’re playing hard to get!” Deadpool sighs. “But it’s a fact you love me, don’t try to downplay our bromance!” your best friend doesn’t give up.

“I actually hate you, Swimming Pool! There’s no bromance!”

“Bullshit! I’m your favorite dude on the planet!” Deadpool takes his cell out of his tiny belt pocket and dials J’s digits. “Pick up, I need to tell you something important, I can’t be too loud since the little angel is sleeping!” he urges The Clown Prince of Crime.

The Joker puckers his lips more and more irritated, figuring that after he answers the phone he’s going to try and murder Wade again. You not being around for the moment is the perfect opportunity after all. Who cares if he can’t die? Satisfaction guaranteed anyway.

“What?!” The King snaps at Deadpool insistence.

“I just called…to say… … I love you…” the familiar tune reaches J’s ear and before Mister Wilson continues with the next line the recipient of his undivided attention hangs up. “I have a whole repertoire prepared especially for you! Don’t you wanna hear it?!” Wade announces aloud his plans and The King figures it’s better to give in for the moment otherwise Emma will wake up from the ruckus. Maybe blowing up Wade to pieces and then scatter him around town will do the trick. Probably not… but it’s worth a stab!

Literally.

By the time Deadpool gets upstairs J is back in the jacuzzi; your best friend is so hyped at the opportunity to shake off monotony he can’t contain himself.

“Let me strip and join you,” Deadpool places the pizza and drinks by The Joker and starts taking off his red attire.

“What are you doing?!” The Joker growls, aware Wade usually goes commando under the suit.

“Don’t worry, man. I came prepared,” J is reassured and soon enough he’s graced with the view of a very skimpy, glittery pink speedo. “Don’t judge, it was on clearance,” Deadpool defends his choice. “I’m broke so I can’t afford to be picky.”

“You’re such an idiot,” The Clown sneers while munching on the pizza. “If I’d had your superpowers, I’d be a billionaire. Why don’t you steal a bunch of money? Actually, zip it! I’m not interested in your logic,” he realizes offering an opportunity for more yapping is a catastrophic mistake.

Wade immerses his body in the soothing waters, happy to relax next to his pal.

“Can I massage your shoulders?”

“Nope,” The Joker rejects the proposal without any hesitation.

“I can guarantee I have magical hands. I mean, they’ve been places and massaged lots of stuff if you get my drift,” Deadpool winks as the water around him begins bubbling up. The jacuzzi is not turned on which means…

“Sorry bro, my bad,” Wade apologizes. “I ate two bean burritos before I came here.”

More bubbles.

“Oh crap,” he apologizes. “I think I had an accident!!”

J runs out of the hot tub, appalled at the atrocity unfolding under his roof.

“Goddammit, Swimming Pool! What the hell is wrong with you???!!”

“Lots of things,” Wilson admits. “Can I use your washing machine to clean my bright pink panties?” he pouts and moves around. “Hold on…hold on… Whew, false alarm,” the relieved loud mouth concludes. “It’s safe to get back in, man.”  

“I don’t think so, Swimming Pool,” the pissed Joker retaliates. “I’ll take a nap on the couch and you’d better be gone by the time I wake up. If you soil my jacuzzi you’d better buy me a new one or beam yourself in outer space once and for all!”

“Bro, com’on now, it was an honest mistake. I shouldn’t have eaten those burritos; I’m sorry, ok?” Wade instantly repents for his transgression yet J had enough. “Pizza’s getting cold, want me to keep it warm for you?”  

Since Deadpool is being ignored, the latest figures is better to let The Joker cool down then reprise their date. But The King is not ignoring Wade: his overactive brain is already plotting a way to dispose of your best friend without arising your suspicions. Plus, Emma’s home too and doesn’t have a lot of room to wiggle. A mastermind such as your boyfriend though doesn’t give up so easily.

*************

The King of Gotham fell asleep on the couch by the hot tub and now it’s so nice that you’re next to him because he likes cuddling with his girl.

“That’s sweet, bro,” Wade wiggles a bit. “I love spooning. Can I get a smooch on the forehead or is it too much to ask?”

The Joker’s eyes instantly open when he realizes it’s not Y/N he’s squeezing in his arms.

“Ahh,” wade whelps in pain when he gets punched in the face. “Mother of shitpile on a stick! That’ hurts!!! Hold on, hold on! Do it again!” he blinks really fast. “I think I saw Wolverine naked!”

“It will be my pleasure!” another ferocious punch lands on Deadpool‘s mug.

“Wowwwww, he looks sooo good! Spooning with Logan would be a dream come true,” Mister Wilson gushes whilst The Joker pushes him out of the couch and drags him by his legs towards the end of the terrace. 20 feet above the ground, the balcony doesn’t have a railing, thus J has a goal.

“Nooo, don’t kick me out!!!!!!!” Wade keeps fake crying while attempting to hold on to whatever furniture he can. “I wanna hang out! Ple-he-heeeseeeeeee! I promise I’ll only spoon with you, ok? No Wolverine! I’ll sacrifice my dream for you! Wa-wa-wait! I think I twisted my ankle!!” your best friend whales and J immediately hisses.

“Did ya’ Swimming Pool? Allow me to help!” The Clown lifts Wade in his arms.

“Oh my God, I feel like a Pink Princess!” the scarred menace snuggles to J’s neck while being carried bridal style. “Dude, you smell soooo nice,” Wade inhales J’s scent unaware of what’s in store for him. “I’m going to add you to my man crush list.”

Wade has more to blabber about yet he doesn’t have a chance to do so: The Joker drops him right on top of the huge cactus situated below the terrace. It was actually a gift from Deadpool to remind the royal couple of him: spiky on the outside but fabulous and nutritious on the inside.

It made sense to Deadpool.

“Holy balls of fire, cracking whips and flying turds!!!!!!!!!” Wilson screams in pain.

The Joker tosses his red suit also, content to have accomplished something noble then goes back to relaxing in the jacuzzi possessing the most demented smirk to grace his lips lately.

“Bro, I’m stuck!” Wade begs for assistance. “Never mind, I got it!” he finally manages to roll off the cactus and crawls around the mansion in order to reach your daughter’s bedroom. The patio door is opened and he sneaks inside, slowly tapping on your daughter’s blanket.

“Emma… Emma… It’s uncle Wade.”

The eight year old turns on her side, stretching.

“Hi uncle Wade.”

“I’m very sorry to wake you up my little angel; I need your help.”

Emma snickers, energized by his presence and gets on her elbow, intrigued.

“What are you doing on the floor, uncle?!”

“It’s a long story, honey. Do you have any pliers?”

“No, uncle.”

“Fuck!” he blurs before he can stop it.

“That’s a bad word,” Emma grabs the infamous “Uncle Pool’s swearing Jar” from the nightstand, eager to get 100 dollars in there. Wade knows he’s not supposed to utter cussing words in front of your offspringand he has to give her money in if he breaks the rule. This jar for the month of August is half full from Deadpool’s last visit.

“Oh my God, my brain is blurry from the thorns. I forgot! Can I get a free pass?”

“You used your free pass last week uncle, when you said the F word 5 times in a row.”

“Riighttt, rightttttttttt,” Wade mumbles and negotiates. “I don’t have any money with me, can I write I owe you notes again?”

“Sure uncle.”

“Awesome,” he barely makes it on Emma’s bed face down. “Do you have any tweezers?”

“No, but mommy does,” your daughter giggles seeing thorns coming out of Wade’s sparkly speedos.

“That should work.”

***************

After 1 hour

The Joker stands by the sun chair on the terrace, quite pleased with how things turned out.

“Guess who,” he feels a soft peck on his dragon tattoo and you didn’t expect to be kissed like he didn’t see you in two years. He’s also clingy and showing signs he’s ready to take you to the bedroom.

“Aren’t you affectionate,” you caress his hair and wonder what happened because when he’s sexually frustrated it means something’s going on. “I thought you’d be happy with me returning sooner… What’s wrong?” you immediately dive into the subject.

“Swimming Pool is here,” J sulks.

Ahhh, that explains his behavior.

“Where is he?” you have an outburst of exuberance due to your best friend’s presence on the premises.

“He’s in surgery,” the mischievous grin puzzles you.

************

“My goodness, what happened?” you rush inside Emma’s quarters as your daughter plucks thorns out of Wade’s behind.

“Mommy!!!” she runs in your arms and you cover her in kisses. “Uncle Wade had an accident.”

“What happened?” you inquire and Wade grabs your fingers which he keeps captive to his chest.

“Aren’t you a blessing for a sore butt,” he forcefully exhales.

“What happened?” you insist and Deadpool gives you the resume.

“Me and my man here, we were horsing around and I fell over the balcony right on the cactus bush.”

Hmm… The Joker doesn’t horse around unless he’s in bed with you, thus…

“J?” you suspiciously interrogate.

“What he said,” The King points out at Deadpool.

There’s a pile of I owe you notes in front of Wade: the spikes getting pulled out of his skin is a painful process and he’s not able to control himself. He says bad words and continues to write his money away to Emma’s fund.

“I think I lost my sack of nuts,” your best friend grieves, exasperated.

“You had a bag of nuts, uncle? I can go look for it,” the innocent kid offers.

“NOOO!” both parents yell in the same time.

“Wade, can you not talk like this???!!” you admonish and The Clown barks through his clenched teeth:

“Don’t make single sound, you moron!”

“I’m so sorry, I’m delirious from the agony; my butt’s a strainer,” Deadpool complaints and kisses your wrist as a sign of good will.

“That’s my woman, Swimming Pool!!” the jealous-for-no-reason Joker immediately goes ballistic, totally irritated he can’t rip Deadpool apart since his family is present.

“What are you wearing, Wade?!” you bring it up in order to distract everyone because it’s impossible not to notice the pink attire.

“Don’t judge,” Deadpool implores. “It was on clearance.”

Yup, one shouldn’t judge indeed: at least he didn’t go commando.

Also read:MASTERLIST

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.

The Invasion happened over night without any warning: strange vegetation and eerie beasts engulfed the planet, fastly expanding their dominion throughout the world. The surviving humans used every resource possible in order to find a solution enabling mankind to avoid total extinction: The Dragon was the only successful experiment which fused alien and human DNA together, giving much needed hope in very dark times.

The General perceives the knock at the door and he shuffles the maps scattered on his desk before mumbling a displeased “Yes?”

One of the guards enters the office followed by the guest freshly transferred from the New York Fortress.

“Sir, Dixon Halifax is here!”

The latest tries to salute the honored leader but General Harris immediately stops him:

“At ease, captain; we don’t care about that stuff anymore around here,” he signals the security guy to leave.

“Of course, sir,” Dixon complies to the order and hands over a thick folder. “My paperwork,” he explains although General Harris is acquainted with the standard procedure.

“You’re aware of the reason why you’re here?”

“Yes, sir!” the captain straightens his back.

“I’m sure you heard a few that attempted to ride The Dragon with her failed miserably; the beast can’t suffer anybody else besides the woman. It killed all of them and now there’s not a single person wiling to attempt the impossible. Yet we just can’t have Y/N being in control; it’s too risky. So I must underline we appreciate you volunteering for the mission.”

“It’s an honor, sir!”

“U-hum…” the general grumbles. “I hope you succeed. How old are you, son?”

“38, sir.”

Harris glares at the man in front of him, debating on the briefing he’s about to present to this either insane individual or hero; depends on how you look at it.

“You’re familiar with the fact they used criminally insane inmates for their tests until they were able to successfully merge alien DNA with human DNA.”

Dixon nods in agreement thus the general continues:

“The Joker was the only one that survived the procedure. If you can call that survival,” he scoffs at the twisted reality. “I mean, certain ethical concerns were raised but who the hell cares about ethics when we’re on the verge of extinction??!”

“I totally agree, sir!” Captain Halifax finds it wise to express his opinion. “Although probably The Resistance has a different take on the matter.”

“Ugh, those lunatics,” the general sighs. “God knows why they believe we should let nature take its course and we shouldn’t attempt to save ourselves. Facing the end of the world is not enough for some to snap out of their crazy ideas! As long as they stay away from us and what we struggle to accomplish I say they can fuck off!” Harris can’t hold in a sour remark.

“What about the woman, sir? I heard rumors…” Dixon changes the subject.

“Well, after we had The Dragon it was pretty much useless since the monster didn’t let anyone close; she showed up one day conforming she knew the man inside the creature. I find it fascinating we didn’t know what we’ll end up after the trial was completed; there was no way to predict what shape the symbiont will take. Not that we were picky… The Joker’s genes bonded so perfectly with the alien chromosomes that the final result took the form of the dragon tattoo on his back.”

“You’re kidding me!”

“I wish I was kidding, son,” the 60-year-old scratches his chin. “We live in very strange times.”

“Is it true Y/N is The Joker’s ex-wife?” Captain Halifax pushes for information.

“As far as we gathered, yeah. We didn’t have another option except allow her to go near The Dragon. It worked: the beast didn’t kill her. We wondered if it’s because The Joker actually recognized her. If he did, I suppose he didn’t detest her that much,” the general concludes.

“Is he conscious?”

“No,” Harris shakes his head. “He’s in a state of a permanent induced coma; he’ll never wake up.”

“Where can I find Y/N, sir? I’d like to speak to her before I venture close to The Dragon.”

“Unfortunately, there’s where you’ll find her: she stays with the creature mostly the entire day and night. She comes in to get food, shower and whatnot, then she goes back to it. She doesn’t like people and nobody here likes her. Yet we tolerate her presence; despite our efforts, we don’t have an alternative for the moment.”

“Do you trust her, sir?”

“Not really. She’s a weird woman, gives me the creeps.”

Captain Halifax reckons that if a seasoned army expert such as the general utters this type of statement, it must be true without doubt.

“Her assignment is to fly The Dragon across the jungle and mark spots on the map that she finds clear of alien flora or fauna, this way we might expand our outposts and reclaim land. You know electronics don’t work around the jungle; the electromagnetic field is just too strong. Plus, going on foot throughout the wilderness would be suicide: can’t fly anything above it except the creature.”

“Are you certain she’s marking the oases correctly, sir?”

“That’s why we need someone else to go with Y/N: who knows if she’s hiding things or maybe she has her own agenda? Who’s to say at one point she won’t take off with The Dragon and never return?”

Both parties are silent for a minute until the general stands up from his desk urging Dixon to follow.

“Let’s take you to her. I’ll tell you more details on the way there.”

****************

No training in the universe could have prepared Captain Halifax for the uncanny view in front of his eyes; still… there he is gazing at the huge Dragon occupying most of the inner courtyard of the Los Angeles Fortress. The monster’s scaly skin is semi-transparent so the courageous volunteer has the privilege of noticing the human trapped inside its viscous body: The Joker’s asleep, without clothes and curled up in a fetal position.

Dixon gulps at the thought that maybe he didn’t have the best plan by offering to help, yet he cautiously drags his feet on the grass, careful not to aggravate the monster: he was told not to make any sudden moves and he has taken the advice to heart.

You bite your apple and watch him approach, deciding to ignore the visitor just as you do with the rest of the crew.

“Afternoon ma’am,” the captain greets the woman dressed in an old military attire relaxing her back against The Dragon. She rips another mouthful of fruit while giving him a mean stare. “My name is…”

“Slim Shady,” you sarcastically mutter but he actually distinguished the pun.

“The good old days music, huh?” Dixon smiles at your hostility, making sure to at least appear friendly.

“What do you want?” you cut him off and take a few steps towards him. The Dragon is immediately alert, sniffing the air with contempt.

“Umm…” he lifts his hands in surrender. “If possible, I would like to ride with you today.”

“It is possible,” Y/N sneers. “Presumably unsurvivable,” you pet the creature’s long neck as it coos at your touch then growls at the unwelcomed company.

“Can you ask it to allow me to come with you?”

“It’s a mindless beast,” you smirk. “It does whatever it wishes.”

“With all the respect, ma’am, you and I know that’s a load of baloney.”

Wow, the douchebag has a lot of nerve!

“What’s your name?” Y/N stirs the conversation away from the current topic.

“Definitely not Slim Shady,” he finds it amusing to emphasize. “I’m Captain Dixon Halifax ma’am.”

Captain Douchebag! instantly pops in your brain and he takes the faint chuckle coming from you as a positive sign.

If only!

You already hate his guts.

The resentment is perhaps reciprocal and it doesn’t bother you; Y/N doesn’t care about the morons swarming the LA base no matter where they might be come from and whatever ranks they have.

“Well, Captain D,” you suck on your teeth since you’d love to address him as Captain Douchebag. He believes you call him D from Dixon and I guess that works out in quite an ironical way. “I can’t stop you from coming with me, but if The Dragon throws you from the saddle and kills you I’m not responsible: he loves to stomp all over those that fall,” you laugh in such a sinister way it hints Halifax you more than likely enjoy the carnage.

“So it’s a he?”

The Captain can literally discern the joy vanishing from your face as you bark:

“My ex is in there! Hence I consider The Dragon a HE. Any other dumb questions??!” you can’t stop a bitter comment.

Entitled bitch, the captain judges the former Queen of Gotham; he would entirely savor giving her a piece of his mind but given the circumstances the guy decides it’s wiser to shut up.

“No ma’am, no extra dumb questions,” Halifax forces a grin upon his mug.

“Great!” you toss the apple in the grass and invite him to climb the rope ladder hanging on the right side of The Dragon’s massive frame. “After you, Captain D!”

You ogle him mount the beast and shortly after he’s on top of it.

“Jesus!” he cringes as The Dragon roars so load the buildings around the area tremble.

“You’ll get used to it!” you shout over the deafening noise, placing yourself in front of him. “Hang tight!”

The enormous wings flap in the air and the monster ascends high in the sky with the two humans on its back.

“Ma’am!!” Halifax gets your attention.

“Huh?”

“Does The Dragon spit fire?’

“Bahahaha!!” you crack up at his inquiry because it’s funny to hear such aberration. “This is not a fairy tale Dragon, Captain D! He does not spit fire!”

Y/N’s mockery is not well accepted by the man riding behind her.

“I was simply wondering,” he frowns at your teasing.

“Nah, don’t feel bad. They don’t disclose the lack of fire ability to the volunteer flyers,” you caress a couple of feathers on The Dragon’s shoulder fluffed by a gush of wind.

****************

“General Harris sir,” one of the soldiers barges in the office. “Sorry to interrupt; I have General Smith from the New York Fortress on the radio communication line. He says it’s an emergency!”

“I’ll take it, thank you,” the commander waits for the soldier to vacate the room before picking up the receiver.

“Harris here. What can I do for you, general?”

“I called to apologize for the delay in sending Captain Halifax over there. He spraint his ankle last evening and he’ll be out of commission for at least 3 weeks. I know we promised he’ll be in LA soon, but his current predicament…”

“Say what now?!” Harris doesn’t comprehend the severity of what he’s deciphering. “Dixon is here already!”

“What do you mean?! I’m actually at the barracks next to him; he’s bedridden.” 

“Bedridden?! I just talked to Halifax, I have his paperwork on my desk!”

“General Harris, I don’t know who you got there, but that’s not Dixon Halifax!” Smith is getting anxious about the dialogue.

“… … Shit! Shit!!!” Harris jumps from his desk, running on the corridor to alert the soldiers. “I need someone to contact Y/N!”
**************

The radio transmitter keeps going off and you have no burning desire to answer since in your opinion they are a bunch of fools.

“Come in, Y/N. This is the Fortress. Come in, Y/N. This is the Fortress.”

“Ma’am, are you gonna take that?”

“Ugh, I supposed so otherwise they won’t quit!!” you detach the device from your belt and press the green button. “Yes?”

“Y/N, return to base immediately. This is an order!”

“Why? We barely left.”

“Return to base immediately, it’s an emergency!” the static noise makes it difficult to understand. “I repeat, return to base. This is an order!”

“What’s going on?” Dixon taps your reins.

“We have to go back,” you exhale, annoyed. “Emergency going on,” Y/N leans forward and raises her voice. “J, turn around! Turn around!!” you yank the scales near the saddle and the impersonator is disgusted you nicknamed the monster after the psycho confined within it. The Dragon makes a big loop and obeys the request; it smoothly glides towards the fort while you enjoy the short expedition nevertheless.

“Look at all the people,” you get close enough to notice soldiers rushing at the spot where you usually land with the beast. “Are they…” and you gasp in pain when the sharp blade unexpectedly pierces your abdomen.

“You goddamn freak!” the imposter tightens his embrace and stabs you again as you fight to escape another imminent attack. “The Resistance says hi!” he twists the knife in the flesh and violently pushes you off the saddle.

The Dragon hears the scream and turns its head only to see you’re not there anymore: the fake Halifax still holds the blade while he frantically tries to set up the grenades attached to his gear, this way he can kill another enemy opposing to the natural order of things.

The beast starts wiggling while trying to catch up with Y/N and suddenly thousands of long spikes exit throughout its skin: this Dragon might not spit fire, yet it surely has other capabilities. The impaled Residence member is killed without any mercy and as the spikes retract, the monster flies upside down in order to dispose of the corpse.

The winged devil would enjoy the aftermath of ripping the intruder apart, but for the moment Y/N is more important. Where is she?

The Dragon agile gaze detects her on the ground inside the fortress: some trees diminished the impact, but it wasn’t enough to reduce the severity of her wounds. The military personnel is already gathering around Y/N trying to give her first aid as an explosion is perceived in the distance: The Resistance member fell in the Jungle and his grenades went off at once, not the crew is really paying attention to it.

“How is she?” General Harris hovers over your convulsing body and the doctor shakes his head in denial.

“She sustained serious injuries, sir; she’s in shock. There’s nothing I can do…”

“Crap!” he grumbles, exasperated. “Who’s going to control The Dragon?!” he voices the only concern he has for the moment being; the life fading on the pavement is definitely not one of them.

“Sir!” the doctor points at the sky. “The Dragon is coming!”

“Clear the area!!!” Harris yells since it’s a well-known fact the beast will not bother to avoid trampling the crowd.

They back out and The Dragon arrives at the sight with a huge thud, snarling at everybody as they retreat in order to ensure safety for the team.

The monster smells Y/N’s bloody clothes as she struggles to talk, the erratic breathing making it impossible for her to make any sounds.

“Holy…!” the General utters in disbelieve as many flinch observing the same thing: there’s movement inside The Dragon!

They see The Joker getting up inside the monster and taking a few hesitant steps after he didn’t walk in six years, but what’s equally astonishing is how easily he passes across the Dragon’s skin barrier.

A few soldiers aim their rifles at the abomination as The General halts their action:

“Do not shoot! Do not shoot!”

Your former husband comes and picks you up in his arms, hatefully glaring at the souls mortified by his presence before entering The Dragon again.

You wheeze louder, the dense atmosphere inside the monster making you choke: it gives you the sensation you’re drawing.

“It’s ok, breath it in,” J whispers in your ear. “It will help you heal.”

The Joker positions you in the same place he rested until minutes ago, swiftly laying down next to you.

“Go to sleep, Y/N,” his lips brush against your forehead. “You’ll feel better afterwards.”

The Dragon lets out a terrifying cry, its wings reaching out towards the clouds as it prepares to fly.

“How is The Joker awake, sir?!” Harrison’s deputy stresses a disturbing issue they all share. “What the hell did we just witnessed??!”

The General has no valid explanation besides a simple word summarizing his thoughts:

“Evolution.”

 You can also read: MASTERLIST

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Wattpad and AO3 under the same blog name: DiYunho.

“Curses That Don’t Exist” happens to be one of Y/N’s favorite books and despite the title indicating the maledictions aren’t real, something weird occurred: the hex she wished upon her former boyfriend came true. The woman might not be a sorceress, yet her broken heart turned The Joker into the unlucky recipient of his own self-made hell.

Which curse you wished to come true you ask? It’s very simple: the jinx enabling the one that broke a heart to be incarnated into unhuman life forms 7 times while awaiting atonement. If the cursed person won’t feel any remorse for what they have done by the time he/she reaches the 7^th metamorphosis, they will forever be trapped as that last creature.

For The Joker it happened 3 days ago: he was chased by cops after a bank robbery went wrong downtown Gotham City and found himself surrounded on the bridge passing Yukonison River. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide so the unique solution was for him to abandon the vehicle and jump into the treacherous waters.

J never emerged from under the waves because the hex kicked in: he found himself trapped in Y/N’s gravitational field and knowing how much guilt he feels for anything, quite doomed to have his fate sealed by the curse.

1.  Skunk

Oh my God, did you panic or what?! You were watering the flowers in the backyard when you saw the skunk charging your way; you threw the hose away and rushed inside, slamming the patio door closed. The animal kept screeching at the entrance, relentlessly clawing the wood frame; it made you wonder if it had rabies or something. The Joker was actually shouting your name, not that you understood:

“Y/N!!! Y/N!! It’s me, let me in! Something eerie is going on! Y/N! It’s J!!! Y/N!!!!!!”

Since you lived near the woods outside Gotham City, you fed a few cute skunks often venturing on the property but that particular specimen didn’t seem familiar.

“Y/N!!! Y/N!!!  It’s me, please let me in!” J kept begging and stopped for a few moments. “What the hell is that odor??!!” he sniffed the air towards his tail and gasped. “Holy crap, I stink!!!”

The revelation was quite a shock for the usually very groomed and nice smelling Clown Prince of Crime, thus the 3 baby skunks showing up to see if you left food for them didn’t help.

“Dad!! Dad!!!” they clung to him and The Joker got pissed at the little ones.

“Get lost! I’m not your dad!!! Y/N!! Y/N!!!! Disappear you pests!” he tried to bite them when the real parents scouting the yard for their youngsters saw the scene and attacked J because they perceived him as dangerous.

He split immediately, unwilling to fight the couple already scolding their children:

“What are you kids doing?! I told you not to talk to strangers! We only trust the nice lady that leaves food for us!”

“Sorry dad, we were just messing around…” the oldest apologized and their mom shrieked at their father:

“This all your fault, you spoil them too much!”

In the meantime, J sped up towards the fence and the hex decided he was too far from you, thus he was pulled back by Y/N’s malediction.

2.  Spider

This one was really short lived.

You were quite startled by the crazy animal’s behavior, yet it was gone. Thank goodness!

You span on your heels with the brilliant idea of chugging some water from the fridge when your heart skipped a beat: the biggest, nastiest spider you ever saw was moving its creepy legs on the wood floor, swiftly intending to get to you.

“Y/N!!!! Y/N!!!!!” The Joker yelled. “I’m freaking out!!! What’s happening? Help me! Help me, Y/N! Wait, wait! It’s me!!!!” your ex panicked when you grabbed the closest object from the coffee table: your “Curses That Don’t Exist” book. “Hey, don’t! DOOON’T!!!!”
Bam! you dropped the tome on the unfortunate recipient of your rage.

“Aaaahhh!” you screamed, appalled. “Take this!!!” you stepped on the publication to make sure the monster won’t escape from under it. “Ha-yaaa!!!” you did it again for good measure, then carefully lifted the book and there was nothing to see.

“Shit!” you bit your lip while searching the premises for the culprit. You could have sworn you got him!

You got him alright, but his body disintegrated as a result of the curse and J woke up in the backyard transformed into another avatar.

3.  Snail

Took The Joker two hours to move 3 inches; although the grass wasn’t tall that wasn’t the point. He saw you gardening among the flowers and vegetable patches and strained his tiny lungs to the maximum during a hopeless race with the curse.

“Y/NNNN!!! Help me!! Y/N!!! I’m over here!”

You were minding your own business, totally immersed into your task when you noticed the minuscule creature barely advancing on the ground.

“Hey buddy, what are you doing in the sun, hm?” you picked J up and gently placed him under the apple tree. “Stay in the shade.”

The King of Gotham attempted to get your attention to no avail; Y/N was distracted by the deers emerging from the forest bordering your house.

“There you are; I’ve been waiting for you,” you giggled and snatched the basket filled with apples put aside for them. They all approached waiting for their usual treats as The Clown protested his fate.

“Y/N!!!! Please don’t go! Help me!!! Umph!” he yelped when the crow resting on the branches above spotted the delicious snack which shortly ended up in its beak. “Let go you pile of germs!” J admonished as the bird flew with the prey and the jinx didn’t allow any delays: when the bird was too far from you, puff! The snail vanished.

4.  Dog

You just finished the apples for your cute visitors and the crow that wanted to eat the snail landed on your shoulder, cawing up a storm about the ordeal of losing its afternoon feast.

“What’s wrong?” you caressed the velvety feathers since the raven did this on a regular basis: you found him in the forest two years ago with a broken wing, thus you took him home and nurture him until he was healthy. You set him free, but the raven kept returning, often bringing shiny gifts stolen for his savior. You have a box filled with treasures: coins, jewelry, buttons, keys… Even bones.

In time, more crows gathered around the property which is nice because they take care of rodents. Plus, one could say you have your own murder of crows. How neat is that?

The crow split once the barking was heard from the other side of the fence. You snickered at the bird’s reaction, loudly inquiring:

“Rex, is that you?”

The German shepherd belonged to your neighbor two miles up from your residence and loved to wonder off to see Y/N a few days a week.

Actually, it wasn’t Rex barking: it was The Joker as a curly poodle imploring for assistance.

“Y/N!!!! Help me please!!! I’m not sure what the heck is happening! Y/NNN!!! Do something!! Stop sniffing my butt, weirdo!” he snapped at Rex who was actually there also, taking interest in the newcomer. “Squirrel!!!” J detected a fur ball in the acorn across the street and couldn’t hold in in: both canines dashed to catch the menace.  

Unfortunately, that meant he was too far from you and whoosh! he disappeared, heading towards his next reincarnation.

5.  Squirrel

J materialized in your pine nut tree, assiduously shoving seeds in his mouth without realizing.

He watched Rex enjoying the food and water you offered, then he came to his senses.

“What the fuck am I doing??!!” he spat out the seeds then crawled down, making a run for it. “Y/N!!!!Help me!!! Y/N!!!!”

Rex’s ears went straight up and he shrugged at the sight of a nuisance he liked to chase.

You laughed while the dog chasing the fluffy squirrel all over the place; you wouldn’t have probably been amused by The Joker’s screams though.

“Y/N!!! Quit it, you stupid dog!!!First you sniff my butt and now this??? Y/N!!! I have to talk to you!! Y/N!!! Help!!”

The King didn’t have an opportunity to get close to you; the solution was to jump over the shed and scamper into the forest. When he was to far… puff! Gone and back to Y/N.

6.  Mosquito

“Poor baby,” you caressed Rex’s big head, giggling. He kept whimpering, upset he lost his toy. “You should leave the squirrels alone, they don’t want to play with you.”

Bzzzzzzz, you perceived the sound, yet you didn’t see J. Bzzzzzzzz….

“Y/N, I’m completely flipping out!!! You gotta help me!! Y/N!!”

Everything you discerned was a bunch of bzzzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz… the insect landed on your wrist.

“A-ha!” you slowly moved your fingers from Rex’s soft coating. Slap! you caught the offender and when you gazed under your palm… zero, zip, nada. How strange…

No doubt you managed to seize the mosquito: that only meant J’s incarnation was done and he hopped into the next one.

7.  Cat

This morning you found a cute gray cat on the patio, meowing at the sliding door until you opened it.

“Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,” the pet sneaked inside the house, sniffing the air. The Joker was whining about his hardships to a woman that didn’t comprehend nor was aware of whom he was.

“Hey kitty,” you bent over and scratched its side.

“Maaaawwww,” the cat yawned, super exhausted after such eventful adventures.

“Who do you belong to, hm?” you searched for a collar and there was none. “Com’ere, “ you lifted J up in your arms and he touched your mouth with his left front paw.

“Y/N, it’s me!!! It’s J!”

“Aren’t you friendly?” you kissed the pink cushions, smiling. “Let’s see if any of the neighbors lost their cat. You don’t look familiar,”’ you concluded because you’re acquainted with all the pets in the area.

“Maaaw, maw, maw.”

Also a meowadded for the hell of it.

“You’re talkative. What are you saying?” you chuckled and picked up the phone, dialing the numbers of all the people residing around you. Nobody reported any new pet or male cat missing.

The King almost fell asleep in your embrace but something got his attention.

“Oh my God!” he gasped and darted on the kitchen table when he saw a slice of Y/N’s Scrumptious Royal Apple Pie on a plate. How he missed the taste of his favorite desert! His ex-girlfriend was an excellent cook and baker– pretty much everything she prepared became his favorite. She made the recipe before they were together, yet once they were an item she added a crown made of dough for The King of Gotham right in the middle of the pie. That’s how Y/N Scrumptious Apple Pie became Royal too.

There was no trace of a crown now and hasn’t been for the last 7 months, not that it bothered J.

“No kitty, no!” you reprimanded and tried to separate the cat from the food. “I don’t think that’s good for you!”

The deep growl coming from the impromptu visitor warned he won’t put up with it.

“Fine, suit yourself. If you get sick it will be your fault.”

You supervised the beast scarfing down the pastry, then once his belly was full The Joker stretched and was instantly removed from the table.

“This was an exception, mister. You’re not allowed on the kitchen table, ok?”

“Meooow,” J got cozy in your arms again.

“You’re a handsome fellow, aren’t you?” you studied your new protégé. “Such blue eyes! My former boyfriend had blue eyes…” Y/N pouted and grumbled. “And a PHD in bullshit.”

“Maaaww,” the sharp teeth sunk in your skin.

“Ouch! Hey! No! Bad kitty!” you squeezed the furry cat and he released his hold. “Mister, I’m having seconds thoughts about keeping you for the moment!”

“You asked for it, Y/N! I don’t have a PHD in bullshit! I’m purposely being perfect, understand?…Ugh, I didn’t mean to bite you! You have to help me! Please Y/N!” The Joker lamented and you found it adorable the animal reached for your face until the whiskers tickled your cheek.

“Aren’t you vocal?” the smirking woman untangled her white hair from the cats’ claws.

Y/N’s hair turned white in her early twenties and never dyed it; she said some people pay money to have silver locks thus she kept it natural.

“Are you thirsty?” you carried your companion across the living room towards the bathroom where you turned on the water in the sink for him. “I’ll get you a dish, ok? This is just temporary.”

J licked the water in a frenzy as Y/N abandoned him and went on the couch to watch a movie and relax. He found you sipping on your coffee so he curled up in your lap, exhausted.

“Comfortable?” you pated the blue eyed monster purring on your knees. “At least you like my thighs, unlike my ex,” you frowned at the memory. “I caught him staring…I think he hated my thighs. They’re not exactly small…”

“What?” J was suddenly alert. “No, I liked your thighs; that’s why I was glaring!”

“You’ll like sleeping on my tummy too. I definitely don’t have a six pack. I think he detested my tummy,” the increasingly annoyed Y/N raised her voice. “Well, he can enjoy his perfect Bianca! If he didn’t like me the way I am it’s his loss!!”

“What are you taking about?!” the meowing wouldn’t stop. “I liked your tummy! When did I stated otherwise?!”

The truth is he didn’t say a word about it either way which later translated into you believing he detested your body each instance you noticed him averting his eyes when caught staring.

“It’s my cousin’s fault!” you huffed, irritated to the maximum.

Richard aka Panda has been on your shit list since you and J broke up because he always bragged about what an amazing cook you are, thus his boss had to find out for himself. That’s how it all started then it ended up in flames. Definitely no glory.

Y/N seized the cell phone next to her, snarling in the mike:

“Siri, remind me to strangle Richard!”

Siri happily obliged:

“Reminder set.”

“Maw, maw, maaww, maw, maw, maw, meeooowww, meow, meow!”

“You need to go outside?” you asked at the excruciating noises.

The Joker fought your decision; nevertheless, he was left on the porch without too many options besides mooching nearby waiting for you to let him back in.

Meanwhile, a flock of sparrows landed on the trees close to your house, chirping questions for the deers walking on the path leading to the apple shrub:

“Hey, hey! Can you tell us if this is the place where the witch lives?”

“U-hum,” the majestic buck with huge antlers replied at more wildlings being drawned to her.

“We made it, she’s here!” the flock joyfully chirped and one of the small fawns was curious about the conversation:

“Dad, is the lady that gives us apples a witch?!”

The buck bowed his head in sign of respect, explaining to the little ones:
“Of course she is. She just doesn’t know it yet.”

 Also read: Masterlist

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.