Y/N: There is not enough salt in the world to protect us from the hell you’re trying to unleash.

Wade: Oh Don’t be such a worrywart. The demon and I go way back!

^^

The Joker x Reader - “Deadpool” Part 3

You’re out of town for a couple of days and Wade is bored out of his mind, thus he figured wooing The Joker into hanging out should take care of his blues. Your boyfriend can’t stand Deadpool but that’s not something that’s going to stop Mister Wilson, especially since he’s on a mission to rekindle their inexistent bromance.

Part 1      Part 2

“O sole miooooooo…” Wade keeps serenading The Joker, perfectly aware The King’s in the jacuzzi on the terrace above ignoring him on purpose. Another deep breath ready to belch out more notes when finally J pops up, annoyed.

“Bro!!!” the red suited menace lifts his arms in the air, excited. “Let’s hang out!”

“Get lost, Swimming Pool!”

“Come on, man! I know you’ve missed me! I’m so bored without Y/N!!”

“Shut your trap!” The Joker threatens. “Emma’s taking a nap!”

“Shit, sorry,” Wade lowers his voice. “To show you I mean business I brought your favorite pizza and grape juice,” he points at the tokens displayed on the grass in front of him. “Can I come up?”

“No, disappear!”

“Breaks my heart to see you’re playing hard to get!” Deadpool sighs. “But it’s a fact you love me, don’t try to downplay our bromance!” your best friend doesn’t give up.

“I actually hate you, Swimming Pool! There’s no bromance!”

“Bullshit! I’m your favorite dude on the planet!” Deadpool takes his cell out of his tiny belt pocket and dials J’s digits. “Pick up, I need to tell you something important, I can’t be too loud since the little angel is sleeping!” he urges The Clown Prince of Crime.

The Joker puckers his lips more and more irritated, figuring that after he answers the phone he’s going to try and murder Wade again. You not being around for the moment is the perfect opportunity after all. Who cares if he can’t die? Satisfaction guaranteed anyway.

“What?!” The King snaps at Deadpool insistence.

“I just called…to say… … I love you…” the familiar tune reaches J’s ear and before Mister Wilson continues with the next line the recipient of his undivided attention hangs up. “I have a whole repertoire prepared especially for you! Don’t you wanna hear it?!” Wade announces aloud his plans and The King figures it’s better to give in for the moment otherwise Emma will wake up from the ruckus. Maybe blowing up Wade to pieces and then scatter him around town will do the trick. Probably not… but it’s worth a stab!

Literally.

By the time Deadpool gets upstairs J is back in the jacuzzi; your best friend is so hyped at the opportunity to shake off monotony he can’t contain himself.

“Let me strip and join you,” Deadpool places the pizza and drinks by The Joker and starts taking off his red attire.

“What are you doing?!” The Joker growls, aware Wade usually goes commando under the suit.

“Don’t worry, man. I came prepared,” J is reassured and soon enough he’s graced with the view of a very skimpy, glittery pink speedo. “Don’t judge, it was on clearance,” Deadpool defends his choice. “I’m broke so I can’t afford to be picky.”

“You’re such an idiot,” The Clown sneers while munching on the pizza. “If I’d had your superpowers, I’d be a billionaire. Why don’t you steal a bunch of money? Actually, zip it! I’m not interested in your logic,” he realizes offering an opportunity for more yapping is a catastrophic mistake.

Wade immerses his body in the soothing waters, happy to relax next to his pal.

“Can I massage your shoulders?”

“Nope,” The Joker rejects the proposal without any hesitation.

“I can guarantee I have magical hands. I mean, they’ve been places and massaged lots of stuff if you get my drift,” Deadpool winks as the water around him begins bubbling up. The jacuzzi is not turned on which means…

“Sorry bro, my bad,” Wade apologizes. “I ate two bean burritos before I came here.”

More bubbles.

“Oh crap,” he apologizes. “I think I had an accident!!”

J runs out of the hot tub, appalled at the atrocity unfolding under his roof.

“Goddammit, Swimming Pool! What the hell is wrong with you???!!”

“Lots of things,” Wilson admits. “Can I use your washing machine to clean my bright pink panties?” he pouts and moves around. “Hold on…hold on… Whew, false alarm,” the relieved loud mouth concludes. “It’s safe to get back in, man.”  

“I don’t think so, Swimming Pool,” the pissed Joker retaliates. “I’ll take a nap on the couch and you’d better be gone by the time I wake up. If you soil my jacuzzi you’d better buy me a new one or beam yourself in outer space once and for all!”

“Bro, com’on now, it was an honest mistake. I shouldn’t have eaten those burritos; I’m sorry, ok?” Wade instantly repents for his transgression yet J had enough. “Pizza’s getting cold, want me to keep it warm for you?”  

Since Deadpool is being ignored, the latest figures is better to let The Joker cool down then reprise their date. But The King is not ignoring Wade: his overactive brain is already plotting a way to dispose of your best friend without arising your suspicions. Plus, Emma’s home too and doesn’t have a lot of room to wiggle. A mastermind such as your boyfriend though doesn’t give up so easily.

*************

The King of Gotham fell asleep on the couch by the hot tub and now it’s so nice that you’re next to him because he likes cuddling with his girl.

“That’s sweet, bro,” Wade wiggles a bit. “I love spooning. Can I get a smooch on the forehead or is it too much to ask?”

The Joker’s eyes instantly open when he realizes it’s not Y/N he’s squeezing in his arms.

“Ahh,” wade whelps in pain when he gets punched in the face. “Mother of shitpile on a stick! That’ hurts!!! Hold on, hold on! Do it again!” he blinks really fast. “I think I saw Wolverine naked!”

“It will be my pleasure!” another ferocious punch lands on Deadpool‘s mug.

“Wowwwww, he looks sooo good! Spooning with Logan would be a dream come true,” Mister Wilson gushes whilst The Joker pushes him out of the couch and drags him by his legs towards the end of the terrace. 20 feet above the ground, the balcony doesn’t have a railing, thus J has a goal.

“Nooo, don’t kick me out!!!!!!!” Wade keeps fake crying while attempting to hold on to whatever furniture he can. “I wanna hang out! Ple-he-heeeseeeeeee! I promise I’ll only spoon with you, ok? No Wolverine! I’ll sacrifice my dream for you! Wa-wa-wait! I think I twisted my ankle!!” your best friend whales and J immediately hisses.

“Did ya’ Swimming Pool? Allow me to help!” The Clown lifts Wade in his arms.

“Oh my God, I feel like a Pink Princess!” the scarred menace snuggles to J’s neck while being carried bridal style. “Dude, you smell soooo nice,” Wade inhales J’s scent unaware of what’s in store for him. “I’m going to add you to my man crush list.”

Wade has more to blabber about yet he doesn’t have a chance to do so: The Joker drops him right on top of the huge cactus situated below the terrace. It was actually a gift from Deadpool to remind the royal couple of him: spiky on the outside but fabulous and nutritious on the inside.

It made sense to Deadpool.

“Holy balls of fire, cracking whips and flying turds!!!!!!!!!” Wilson screams in pain.

The Joker tosses his red suit also, content to have accomplished something noble then goes back to relaxing in the jacuzzi possessing the most demented smirk to grace his lips lately.

“Bro, I’m stuck!” Wade begs for assistance. “Never mind, I got it!” he finally manages to roll off the cactus and crawls around the mansion in order to reach your daughter’s bedroom. The patio door is opened and he sneaks inside, slowly tapping on your daughter’s blanket.

“Emma… Emma… It’s uncle Wade.”

The eight year old turns on her side, stretching.

“Hi uncle Wade.”

“I’m very sorry to wake you up my little angel; I need your help.”

Emma snickers, energized by his presence and gets on her elbow, intrigued.

“What are you doing on the floor, uncle?!”

“It’s a long story, honey. Do you have any pliers?”

“No, uncle.”

“Fuck!” he blurs before he can stop it.

“That’s a bad word,” Emma grabs the infamous “Uncle Pool’s swearing Jar” from the nightstand, eager to get 100 dollars in there. Wade knows he’s not supposed to utter cussing words in front of your offspringand he has to give her money in if he breaks the rule. This jar for the month of August is half full from Deadpool’s last visit.

“Oh my God, my brain is blurry from the thorns. I forgot! Can I get a free pass?”

“You used your free pass last week uncle, when you said the F word 5 times in a row.”

“Riighttt, rightttttttttt,” Wade mumbles and negotiates. “I don’t have any money with me, can I write I owe you notes again?”

“Sure uncle.”

“Awesome,” he barely makes it on Emma’s bed face down. “Do you have any tweezers?”

“No, but mommy does,” your daughter giggles seeing thorns coming out of Wade’s sparkly speedos.

“That should work.”

***************

After 1 hour

The Joker stands by the sun chair on the terrace, quite pleased with how things turned out.

“Guess who,” he feels a soft peck on his dragon tattoo and you didn’t expect to be kissed like he didn’t see you in two years. He’s also clingy and showing signs he’s ready to take you to the bedroom.

“Aren’t you affectionate,” you caress his hair and wonder what happened because when he’s sexually frustrated it means something’s going on. “I thought you’d be happy with me returning sooner… What’s wrong?” you immediately dive into the subject.

“Swimming Pool is here,” J sulks.

Ahhh, that explains his behavior.

“Where is he?” you have an outburst of exuberance due to your best friend’s presence on the premises.

“He’s in surgery,” the mischievous grin puzzles you.

************

“My goodness, what happened?” you rush inside Emma’s quarters as your daughter plucks thorns out of Wade’s behind.

“Mommy!!!” she runs in your arms and you cover her in kisses. “Uncle Wade had an accident.”

“What happened?” you inquire and Wade grabs your fingers which he keeps captive to his chest.

“Aren’t you a blessing for a sore butt,” he forcefully exhales.

“What happened?” you insist and Deadpool gives you the resume.

“Me and my man here, we were horsing around and I fell over the balcony right on the cactus bush.”

Hmm… The Joker doesn’t horse around unless he’s in bed with you, thus…

“J?” you suspiciously interrogate.

“What he said,” The King points out at Deadpool.

There’s a pile of I owe you notes in front of Wade: the spikes getting pulled out of his skin is a painful process and he’s not able to control himself. He says bad words and continues to write his money away to Emma’s fund.

“I think I lost my sack of nuts,” your best friend grieves, exasperated.

“You had a bag of nuts, uncle? I can go look for it,” the innocent kid offers.

“NOOO!” both parents yell in the same time.

“Wade, can you not talk like this???!!” you admonish and The Clown barks through his clenched teeth:

“Don’t make single sound, you moron!”

“I’m so sorry, I’m delirious from the agony; my butt’s a strainer,” Deadpool complaints and kisses your wrist as a sign of good will.

“That’s my woman, Swimming Pool!!” the jealous-for-no-reason Joker immediately goes ballistic, totally irritated he can’t rip Deadpool apart since his family is present.

“What are you wearing, Wade?!” you bring it up in order to distract everyone because it’s impossible not to notice the pink attire.

“Don’t judge,” Deadpool implores. “It was on clearance.”

Yup, one shouldn’t judge indeed: at least he didn’t go commando.

Also read:MASTERLIST

https://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

You can also follow me on Ao3 and Wattpad under the same blog name: DiYunho.