pro tip “he freed his erection” is the most useful phrase in any smut writer’s arsenal because it means never having to figure out a dude’s pants situation. how did he do it? were there zippers? buttons? some kind of bizarre lacing situation? maybe he cut off his pants with scissors. maybe it was a wizard. maybe it busted out like the hulk busts out of his shirts. no one knows. no one cares. his dick is out now and that is all that matters. thank you helpful dick wizard.
Gotta love how the mass media version of being progressive is to make yet another series about Tudor-era English royalty but casting black people in it. Why the fuck aren’t we simply getting stories from early modern Africa ? Who even gives a shit about Ann Boleyn at this point ?
Netflix studios will dig into historical documents to find some random knights aide from 1071 to made a serial about while the empire of Mali is right there complete with an evil sorcerer king with sandals made of human skin like the shit might as well write itself.
SEE ??! I want to learn about a guy fighting a wizard with necronomishoes !
Broke: “this english king is sad sometimes”
Woke:Shaka Zulu defeating an entire modern dutch colonial army with nothing but spearmen and superior tactics
Bespoke: Queen Nzinga of Ndongo and Matamba ending portuguese colonial rule using nothing but wits and diplomacy.
I want a series about the lead up and battle of Alcacer Quibir from the Moroccan point of view.
Period drama about being a struggling textile merchant in Cairo when Mansa Musa rolls in on the haj
Ibn Battuta’s road trip, only filmed from the POV of his eye-rolling travel companions, because wow he was a bit of a condescending twit and always telling the foreigners how they were Doing Things Wrong (to the point of being kicked off one of the islands where he was somehow set up with everything he needed and annoyed everyone into driving him away)
Queen Amanirenas was a buff, one-eyed queen of Kush who captured Roman forts in Egypt, and returned with a severed bust of Cesar Augustus’s head and buried it beneath the steps of a temple in Kush so everyone would walk on him.
Epic battle movie about King Menelik the second and the kingdom of Ethopia kicking the Italians collective arses at the battle of Adwa. Or King Tewodros kicking British arses.
Alternatively, how about a historic travel documentary about the journeys of Ibn Jubayr full of scenery and architecture from Egypt, Muslim Spain and the Middle East.
Ea-Nasir sitcom
Ea-Nasirworkplace sitcom
(will also accept Mansa Musa era textile merchant workplace sitcom)
peter parker, expressing his affection as any teen would: thor i would die for you :)
thor, gripping his shoulders with the intensity of ten thousand burning suns: i would never let that happen
peter parker, later that week: i would die for you loki
loki, looking him dead in the eye: you will.
drax: [really bad joke]
peter parker: mr. drax? I would die for you
drax, with a pause spent determining that peter is probably joking and then a hearty guffaw: but my muscles and fighting power is several times your own! your death would be meaningless!
peter parker, in the middle of battle with no regard for his own safety: i would die for you
t'challa, who has lived with shuri long enough to know exactly what answer peter is looking for: then perish
Harry and Louis are neighbours, who are maybe a bit too close, and a bit too in love. Things get intense when on the 1st of December Louis has to go to Doncaster, when his mum’s appendix ruptures and she is forced to stay in a hospital. The Christmas in the Tomlinson’s household suddenly may not happen, since there is no one to prepare the dinner. Harry, being the lovesick idiot that he is, decided to take on the challenge.
i don’t want an obi-wan kenobi miniseries, i want 25 seasons of obi-wan anakin ahsoka abject grief conga. is that too much to ask
anyway since disney is committed to just giving us bits of content loosely connected with the narrative equivalent of chewed bubblegum, here’s my wishlist for this show:
heated argument with ghost qui-gon where obi-wan is like they TOLD you anakin shouldn’t be trained they SAID it would be dangerous but NOOO you wanted your precious Chosen One ‘ooh obi-wan you must promise me to train the boy it is my last dying wish obi-wan’ fuck OFF!!! and qui-gon is like you realize this is a people in glass houses type of situation
5 times owen lars chased obi-wan off his property with a stick (+ 1 time he tried to shoot him in the kneecap for good measure)
confirmation that vader figured out like 2 months in that luke was his kid and was perfectly happy to just let him live an ordinary boring life as long as he didn’t get dragged into galactic politics, but then obi-wan had to go and do The Utmost
the 5 stages of grief but instead of acceptance it’s spite
adventure of the week episode where obi-wan has to rescue 7 y/o luke from some predicament and then deliver him home safely, which leads to him realizing kids are fine, like, as a general concept, but he’s not cut out for dealing with them 24/7 (also owen threatens to shoot him again)
the bit where another jedi survivor is like your name is very. um. conspicuous? have you considered changing it for personal safety reasons? and obi-wan is like ur right and changes it from obi-wan kenobi to ben kenobi
all the other times obi-wan dismembers someone at the local pub until people just get used to it and anytime someone new in town asks they’re like oh yeah, mad ole ben the hermit, he does that. yeah, he’s got a jedi lightsaber. no, we don’t ask for reasons of he’ll cut off your arm with it
