If you’re not watching WOLF HALL, you should be, and here’s why: Mark Rylance as Thomas Cromwell is the Supreme Ruler of Giving Absolutely Zero Fucks and you could learn so much from him.

Ithought I gave zero fucks.

After watching WOLF HALL, I realize I was wrong. I was SO goddamn wrong. I’ve been giving way too many fucks.

We are all but squires.

And Mark Rylance is William fucking Marshal.

Here he is, failing to find any fucks after doing a quick scan of the floor.

Sassmaster Cromwell, First of His Name, Father of Being 100% Done.

“What’s in this leather satchel? Oh, just my PhD in Giving Zero Fucks.”

Just doing a cursory check of His Majesty’s brocade vest to see if he left any fucks in there (he didn’t).

Looking directly into camera, attempting to locate any fucks a la Jim Halpert.

Trying, and failing, to find even one single fuck to give.

Foreground there just insulted him and he’s just like, “Bruh. You have no chill.”

“You were looking for someone who gave a fuck?”

The other dudes are giving all their available fucks away like candy on Halloween; meanwhile Cromwell’s all, “When will my fucks return from the war?”

“These are the books where I record all the fucks I give. They’re empty, FYI.”

Bonus Cromwell:

Were you also maybe looking for swagger? Well, you fucking found it here too.

Wolf Hall cover design! Are you team Thomas or Thomas?

Little Book Review: The Mirror and the Light

Author: Hilary Mantel.

Publication Date: 2020.

Genre: Historical fiction.

Premise: Thomas Cromwell, chief minister to Henry VIII, has once again given the king what he wants. Anne Boleyn is dead, Jane Seymour is queen, and the way is clear for Henry to father a legitimate male heir. Cromwell is more powerful than ever…and more imperiled. And also just kind of bummed out.

Thoughts: One of my favorite things about the first two books in Mantel’s Cromwell trilogy is the interactions between Cromwell, Henry VIII, and Anne Boleyn. Henry is, at that point, a golden boy. He’s Robert Redford in The Way We Were; he’s a jock and a poet. And he never, ever wants to be the bad guy. Neither Cromwell (a commoner) nor Boleyn (a woman) can afford to care about that kind of thing. He’ll do the king’s dirty work to further his own ambitions and get revenge for past wrongs, and she’ll fight and connive to be a politically involved queen, rather than an invisible mistress. They don’t like or trust each other, but they can relate.

I miss her, in all her acerbic glory. Mantel’s Cromwell must, too; at least, he must miss the lively challenges and possibilities that she created. In the face of the several difficulties of The Mirror and the Light–rebellion in the north, Lady Mary’s estrangement from her father, the ever-shifting status of Protestantism in England, Jane Seymour’s death and the search for a new bride, Reginald Pole’s treason, the sudden appearance of Cromwell’s out-of-wedlock daughter–Cromwell seems weary, even as he enjoys his growing power and becomes overconfident. He thinks more of his distant past, ruminating over the Lollard execution he witnessed as a child and other distressing events. He learns that Cardinal Wolsey (his late master, whom he made considerable efforts to avenge) might have felt betrayed by him. Even his easy-going son Gregory reveals some long-suppressed resentment; Cromwell has been an affectionate and proud father, but that sometimes translates to being overbearing. His dampened mood and diffuse concerns make for a slower, less energetic novel–it took me more than two months to read–but it’s still very rewarding, especially when you get the payoff of his sudden fall and execution.

Hot Goodreads Take: “Did not finish. These people were too conniving for me,” states one reader, not unreasonably. They’re pretty conniving!

ahh, to be engaged in deadly and fateful conversation with a former ally, who’s rise you had promoted. to threaten that you shall be the unmaking of them. to rightly fear that they may be the unmaking of you.