#too personal

I close my eyes much like the windows of my bedroom at night
Masking what neighbors might see with my bright screen

I fold the top half of my laptop, not too much, so it stays on
the luminous safety of the artificial world in the rectangular light

I think, for a moment, while my clock mocks me at this hour
who do I stay awake for? to keep my mind preoccupied?

I too, have physiological requirements, like them
yet I treat my sleep deprived hands hovering a cursor

I guess I’m not ready to close the assurance of an occupied thought
One that’s been thought of by someone else for me

I am too afraid to let the quiet nothing be the playground for memories
For incandescent orbs of what-if’s and should-have’s

I want to close my eyes much like the lights I turned off for sleep
But what I fear you all will see, a smaller spotlight on my face

I need to close my eyes

To sleep

To dream

To forget

Before I remember it all again tomorrow.

Do you ever get to the end of a year of trying to work out why your adhd has suddenly gotten so bad again only to realise you actually just developed depression and it also messes with concentration and memory?