#tw sexual violence
A Story Like Mine
Poem by Halsey at the NYC Women’s March
#tw rape/sexual violence
When she said the words, “What do you mean this happened to me?!”, there were no dry eyes anywhere.It’s 2009 and I’m 14 and I’m crying
Not really sure where I am
But I’m holding the hand of my best friend, Sam
In the waiting room of a planned parenthood
The air is sterile and clean
And the walls are that…not grey, but green
And the lights are so bright they could burn a hole through the seam of my jeans
And my phone is buzzing in my pocket
My mom is asking me if I remembered my keys
‘Cause she’s closing the door and she needs to lock it
But I can’t tell my mom where I’ve gone
I can’t tell anyone at all
You see, my best friend Sam was raped by a man
That we knew because he worked in the after-school program
And he held her down, with her textbooks beside her
And he covered her mouth and then he came inside her
So, now I’m with Sam
At the place with the plan
Waiting for a medical exam
And she’s PRAYING she doesn’t need an abortion
She couldn’t afford it
And her parents would like…totally kill herIt’s 2002 And my family just moved
And the only people I know are my mom’s friend, Sue and her son
He’s got a case of Matchbox cars and he says that he’ll teach me to play the guitar…if I just keep quiet
And the stairwell beside apartment 1245 will haunt me in my sleep for as long as I am alive
And I’m too young to know why it aches in my thighs, but I must lie, I must lieIt’s 2012 and I’m dating a guy
And I sleep in his bed And I just learned how to drive
He’s older than me And he drinks whiskey neat
And he’s paying for everything This adult thing…it’s not cheap
We’ve been fighting a lot Almost 10 times a week
And he wants to have sex And I just want to sleep
But he says I can’t so no to him This much I owe to him
He buys my dinners So I have to blow him
He’s taken to forcing me down on my knees And I’m confused because he’s hurting me while he says “please”
And he’s only a man and these things he just needs He’s my boyfriend so why am I filled with unease?It’s 2017 and I live like a queen
And I’ve followed damn near every one of my dreams
I’m invincible and I’m so fucking naive
I believe I’m protected ‘cause I live on a screen
Nobody would dare act that way around me
I’ve earned my protection, eternally clean
Until a man that I trust gets his hands in my pants
But I don’t want none of that, I just wanted to dance
And I wake up the next morning like I’m in a trance
And there’s blood
Is that my blood?
Hold on a minuteYou see I’ve worked every day since I was 18
I’ve toured everywhere from Japan to Mar-a-Lago
I even went on stage that night in Chicago when I was having a miscarriage
I mean, I pied the piper, I put on a diaper
And sang out my spleen to a room full of teens
What do you mean this happened to me?
You can’t put your hands on me
You don’t know what my body has been through
I’m supposed to be safe now
I earned itIt’s 2018 and I’ve realized nobody is safe long as she is alive
And every friend that I know has a story like mine
And the world tells me we should take it as a compliment
But then heroes like Ashley and Simone and Gabby, McKayla and Gaga, Rosario, Aly
Remind me this is the beginning, it is not the finale
And that’s why we’re here
And that’s why we rally
It’s Olympians and a medical resident and not one fucking word from the man who is President
It’s about closed doors and secrets and legs and stilettos
From the Hollywood hills to the projects in ghettos
When babies are ripped from the arms of teen mothers and child brides cry globally under the covers
Who don’t have a voice on the magazine covers
They tell us take coverBut we are not free until all of us are free
So love your neighbor, please treat her kindly
Ask her story and then shut up and listen
Black, Asian, poor, wealthy, trans, cis, Muslim, Christian
Listen, listen and then yell at the top of your lungs
Be a voice for all those who have prisoner tongues
For the people who had to grow up way too young
There is work to be done
There are songs to be sung
Lord knows there’s a war to be won
Post link
[tw: assault, rape mention]
If you’ve been around here for a bit, you probably know I’m a survivor of sexual assault, rape/coersion and all that jazz.
I feel like I’ve done a LOT of work in building up trust, trying to like, be in charge of my sexual experiences, learning to trust my body again and feel safe in it, etc. etc.
So. the best way I know how to say this is that I was recently assaulted by my fiancee. We both have a history of sexual trauma, for me that mostly looks like having issues with receiving sexual things/problems with boundaries and saying no, embarrassment and worry about sex and my body. For him that looks like shame and embarrassment about sexual feelings, not initiating, having trouble being assertive and communicating. Also, he knows that I have problems with dissociation, which I’ve worked on in therapy, and he also knows that I used to dissociate during sex. Like, it was a regular thing with the partner right before him.
We’ve spent years building up trust, and communicating with each other and have done kink stuff and have always checked in with each other– if something wasn’t clear, or one of us got quiet, we’d stop and check in, and then usually have the go to continue, or take a break, or stop if we needed to.
In this instance, this did not happen. I started dissociating hardcore bc my body went into ‘freeze’ mode because it got signals that I was not safe, and AFTERWARDS he said it was weird, and he didn’t like that I wasn’t responsive– but I was Not Okay. And he did not stop or check in or ask or anything, which is VERY UNUSUAL. Also, he was apparently nervous and having issues with staying hard – that’s normal! It is fine! nonconcordance is a thing and there are other options available! – so his answer to that was to just be super rough in an attempt to like, help him? Feel things better?
From what it sounds like, he could have been dissociating a little, too? His mental state was definitely not good. But he didn’t stop or say, hey can we do something different, NOTHING. There were visual and auditory clues BEFORE I dissociated completely– during oral I almost threw up (that happens occasionally because I have a little bit of a gag reflex, and we always pause), I was obviously not enjoying it, AND I was trying to pull away to make it less intense, which he would not let me do, and afterward, I said “Hey, that was a bit too much, like too rough”
Which he apparently did not hear or notice. Apparently he was also unaware of me pulling away or having any issue. So, after that, it does travel into rape territory.
I was super upset about not stopping it or doing more to stop it, and was blaming myself. Then when I explained it to my best friend, he asked if I was dissociating during, because it sounded that way, and, lo and behold, I was. (He’s only recently learned about dissociation and a lot of my trauma stuff, so he asks about it fairly often to check in with me/understand it better).
I only told two people about it after it happened (this happened on the 16th, like 2 and a half weeks ago). I suppressed it for a while because I had a lot of stuff to do for the end of September, but this last week I’ve actually had time to start processing things, and it is not great. The one friend asked about pressing charges, or if I needed to see a doctor, but I didn’t have to go to the hospital or anything and I wasn’t bleeding as far as I could tell, and I didn’t really want to (I figured it would be more harm than it was worth, esp ‘proving’ the assault), and I wanted to like, move past it.
Which was difficult because I was sore for over a week. My voice was messed up and my skin was like raw.
A lot of past stuff has come up, and I don’t know. I don’t trust him any more. I feel sick and scared when he hugs me.
We’ve only talked about it once. In which I said. “If I can’t trust you to not assault me because you’re having an issue and you’re stuck in your own head, I can’t trust you.”
We had sex once somewhere near the end of September, the 25th or something, and it was okay. I was trying to like, have things go back to normal. After that I think things started to sink in and I’ve withdrawn a lot. I sleep in a different bed and I don’t like changing in front of him (which is something I would do in front of friends).
I’m super upset and really want like, safe physical contact, but I don’t even know where I could get that from that it would feel safe and not be read as some kind of romantic thing. My best friend would, but he’s a guy and I think that would freak me out right now.
If anyone has any advice, at all, on how to talk to my fiancee about this, or things I could do to feel safer, or you’ve been through something similar, or ANYTHING, please help. I am at a loss, and I think this might be the end of the relationship.
Also, feel free to PM me or reply to this or reblog with a reply. Whatever.
