Even though I’m aroace, I recognize that I have the passing privilege of an allohet. In the vast majority of scenarios, I don’t get harassed, threatened, or “corrected” for my orientation. There are some who aren’t as lucky as me. Especially because I’m romance-favorable. I can’t relate to the “ew love” of aro meme culture or the “love makes you complete and human” from allo culture.
It’s like a firepit to me. I want to make a campfire to roast some marshmallows, but my lighter works differently. It’s not broken or bad, just doesn’t make fire often. I strike it over and over, but it rarely makes any sparks, and a spark doesn’t mean the log will catch flame. I look to my left; there are loads of people with fire and toasted marshmallows. I look to my right; there’s a smaller group who don’t have fire, but some don’t want marshmallows and others think marshmallows are gross, so they don’t need a spark. I know that I don’t need toasted marshmallows to live, but it would be nice to have.
It’s reading romance negative posts online and simultaneously seeing the image of a “whole” person with a partner that sometimes makes me think I don’t belong anywhere.
As promised, Anon, here’s a VERY quick and dirty rundown of disorganized attachment and the role it plays in the development of dissociation. Sorry it took so long ;–; This doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I hope it at least gives people a basic understanding.
Please remember, this is so incredibly brief and barely scratches the surface. It’s a really interesting field of research, and it has a lot of important (and good!) implications to therapy techniques and models. I highly encourage people that are interested to look through some of the below resources, or make a request for any specific aspects you want discussed further. Apparently, left to my own devices with a broad topic, I fail to be coherent.
What is disorganized attachment (DA)?
There are technically 4 types of attachment between a child and caregiver, differentiated by response patterns. The first 3 types (secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent) are considered forms of “organized attachment”, despite the negative behaviours associated with it, because even if they’re not “secure”, the behaviour patterns are still organized and, more importantly, consistent. In other words, in all 3 types of organized attachment, the child knows exactly what they need to do to meet their emotional needs, and the patterns in their behaviour are considered organized.
In DA, though, the child is confused, and there’s no pattern to their behaviour. They’re torn between wanting to flee to, and flee from the caregiver. When a caregiver is unpredictable and traumatizing, the child has a difficult time establishing a consistent view of the caregiver, and of themselves. In other words, the caregiver is both needed, and someone to be avoided, and the child may not understand what makes them a “good” or “bad” child, as the caregiver’s behavior is often confusing and unpredictable.
It’s summed up quite well in this image:
What causes disorganized attachment?
All the same standard things you would already know about. Abuse, neglect, behaviour that’s frightening, intrusive or insensitive, and disrupted affective communication, but it really boils down to, “A parent’s consistent failure to respond appropriately to their child’s distress, or by a parent’s inconsistent response to their child’s feelings of fear or distress.” And this happens in childhood. The way a baby or very young child form attachments are the base building blocks that a child will use to build their relationships with people in the future.
It’s important to note that it’s not just abuse that can cause a child to form DA. Sometimes loving caregivers who have experienced trauma themselves can behave in confusing ways toward the child, especially if they are suffering untreated PTSD or DID themselves. This happens because of the caregiver’s own inability to control their emotions. Traumatized parents can have a difficult time managing their emotions and providing a sense of security for the child even though they are not abusive or neglectful. Anger or fear can erupt unexpectedly and traumatize the child.
As well, “Disorganized attachment is often the result of intergenerational parenting patterns. This means parents are responding to their children in the same unhealthy ways their own parents responded to them when they were children.”
What role does disorganized attachment play in dissociation?
This one is… A bit tough. There’s a lot of factors in play and so much ground to cover.
First, when discussing dissociation, it’s talking about it in a general sense. Everyone is capable of dissociating, and it’s simply when you become detached from reality in response to trauma– at any age, for any kind of traumatic event. It’s also important to note that without a secure attachment style, an overwhelmingevent is more likely to be perceived as trauma. Basically, though, dissociation is a general symptom in this regard, not specific to any single disorder. DA is linked to dissociation, and from there, combined with othersymptoms someone may be experiencing, it can become problematic and be assigned to specific mental disorders.
So, the child needsto maintain a relationship with the caregiver– they have no one else to turn to, so the child can develop dissociation as a way to make sense of themselves, and to maintain a child-caregiver relationship. They may “forget” the abuse, or deny it. “It is an adaptive and defensive strategy that enables the child to function within the relationship, but it often leads to the development of a fragmented sense of self.” This fragmented sense of self may or may not develop into something worse– namely, BPD and DID based on severity, frequency, and whether there was any sense of reprieve (i.e. a child can avoid the worst of dissociative symptoms if one of their parents was more supportive, because it helps them build some positive attachments).
Children with DA and suffering from abuse “are likely to generate two or more dissociated self states, with contradictory working models of attachment,” in order to handle their confusing relationship with the caregiver. From there, “It is proposed that the propensity to react to traumatic events with dissociation is related to disorganization of early attachment and its developmental sequelae.” This is fundamentally the basis of why DID can’t form once the child creates an integrated sense of self. It is theorized that DA and dissociative disorders are inexplicably linked together. You can have DA and not develop DID/OSDD, but you can’t have DID/OSDD without DA.
A lot of new research is suggesting that it’s not so much trauma as we know it (physical and sexual abuse) that is linked to dissociation, but that traumais something that is far more discrete and insidious (longterm inconsistent and confusing parenting styles linked to DA) and that it’s only part of “a complex web of environmental, societal, familial, and genetic factors that are all likely to interact in ways that we have only begun to understand.” This is something I firmly believe in and attribute to a lot of the endogenic claims of having no trauma (and under this theory, “overwhelming events” also constitute trauma).
Interestingly, it’s theorized that different types of attachment are linked to different mental disorders. “Attachment insecurity can therefore be viewed as a general vulnerability to mental disorders, with the particular symptomatology depending on genetic, developmental, and environmental factors.” Going back to the 4 types of attachment, the 3 insecure types can be linked to basically all types of disorders. They are all linked to depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, eating disorders and suicidal tendencies, but those with anxious attachment are more likely to develop things like DPD, HPD and BPD and are drawn to co-dependent relationships. Those with avoidant attachment are more likely to develop things like SPD and APD and form addictive habits, and those with disorganizedattachment are more likely to develop DID/OSDD.
If you’re a schizoid who feels like “the walking dead”, this might mean you dissociate. A lot. And apparently, for schizoids, that’s common.
Others might not know what dissociating is, or might think “oh I dissociated” the moment they miss one point during a meeting. (Yes, that’s dissociation, but not to the extent a schizoid experiences it.)
Dissociation is a way to protect us from harm and strong emotions, but it also makes our lives bleaker. Dissociation is like living in a house where the temperature is always steady, but because of this, you do not know what hot or cold is. Or even worse: when it suddenly does get hot or cold, it’s suddenly a disaster because you never experienced it, and you go through some panic because of it and dissociate again as soon as you are possible.
Today’s blog post is about this common aspect of SPD and the goal is to explain what it is, where it comes from, how Schizoids vs. Neurotypicals might experience this, what can be done to dissociate less. Finally, it poses the question whether this is a blessing or a curse. I’ll also be giving a personal example of a recent time I was about to dissociate and was able to catch myself in the moment (thanks to therapy.)
Dissociation! It’s really hard to define, and it’s even more difficult to notice when you’re doing it. Everybody experiences it just a little bit differently, but it’s something that can and should be managed with a little bit of mindfulness (noticing how you’re feeling without judging yourself for your feelings) and practice. I’ll make another post soon with a few clips from movies and tv that have characters dissociate since they’re great examples. Check back soon! :)
In this video I’m talking you through two forms of dissociation: Depersonalization and Derealization (also known as DPDR). In looking at depersonalization disorder and derealization disorder we’ll explore: what it is, the symptoms and coping skills. If you’re looking for DPDR symptoms or DPDR recovery or just depersonalization recovery or derealization recovery, then make sure you to pay attention as we take a closer look.
I’m back with another form of Dissociation: Dissociative Amnesia. You may commonly ask yourself why you can’t remember things? Or do you have memory loss? These could be signs of dissociative amnesia, a common type of dissociation that differs from other types like maladaptive daydreaming, depersonalization and derealization. In this video I’m talking you through what is dissociative amnesia, types of dissociative amnesia and treatment of dissociative amnesia. What is Dissociative Amnesia & and what are the treatment options? Frequently I am asked questions like this: Why can’t I remember my childhood? What does it mean that I don’t remember? Does trauma cause memory loss?
Online Therapy - I do not currently offer online therapy. My sponsor BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist, please visit: https://betterhelp.com/kati
In this video I’m talking about one form of Dissociation, Maladaptive Daydreaming. Recently, I made the video 5 General Types Of Dissociation & How To Deal With Them (linked below) and many of you asked for me to do deep dives into each type. This first video is part of a series and I’m speaking to Maladaptive Daydreaming. Is Maladaptive Daydreaming bad? Is it good for you? Maladaptive Daydreaming help, how to best manage it, and so much more. Make sure you wait until the end to see how to best manage this form of dissociation. And let me know in the comments which form of dissociation you want to see a deep dive on next.
Online Therapy - I do not currently offer online therapy. My sponsor BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist, please visit: https://betterhelp.com/kati
In this video I’m talking about the 5 types of dissociation AND how to deal with them. I’ll speak to these 5 common types: maladaptive daydreaming, dissociative identity disorder, depersonalization, derealization and dissociative amnesia. I’ll also talk about what dissociation is like. So whether you’re wondering what is dissociation ? or what is dissociation like ? or dissociation help ? or what types of dissociation , I am here to answer your questions.
me depressed: maybe i’ll just cut myself so i’m not sad anymore and because who cares
me manic: Maybe!!! i’ll cut myself so thaaaaat i can prove I Am Alive and do some homemade scarification tattoos!! that’ll keep the demons away!! i hope my Friends think i’m Cool and not Crazy bc im for sure Both!!!!!
ahh ! hey ! so, uh, this week has been. kind of wild. it seems that im. part of a system ? (not 100% certain due to psychotic factors but its looking like it).
jay (alter) made contact this week, though at the beginning i mistook it for me developing an attachment to his source due to psychosis. this idea was kind of scratched given the fact that he’s a different person, has his own feelings and thoughts, and has been attempting to front for multiple days. we also have another, nonhuman alter, who’s less communicative but more knowledgeable of the inner workings.
so, anyways, i learned that antipsychotics can interfere with a systems ability to communicate and switch, and due to the fact that i’ve been on antipsychotics for multiple years, and only recently switched my dose and the type of medication (im now on an extended release version of the same medication) we’re thinking that thats what fucked up our system. most of my early symptoms (of what we’re leaning towards as being osdd-1b) are from before i went on my meds, and ??? struggled a lot the last time they fronted (which was last year).
we’re thinking that im front stuck due to the meds since jay isn’t able to front (and trust me, we’ve been trying) and even ??? (our gatekeeper) was pretty confused until we discovered the medication thing.
any advice on how to get un-front stuck without going off my meds (because i really need them, and they work for what they’re meant for)?? we’re all struggling to normalize due to how much we’ve been dissociating and the inability to switch.
have u ever had a depersonalization moment when you look at yourself in the mirror and think wow this person is me and i have this body and this life and everything feels so strange why am i me and not someone else
