And for what it’s worth, not a single vote in here has your name on it.
This is a historic tribal council. Most idols ever played at a tribal – three. Most people ever safe at a tribal – five. And the most significant and devastating part of tonight’s history-making tribal for you, Cirie, is you become the first person in 34 seasons to be voted out simply because there literally is no other choice. There’s no need to revote.
“If you drown, allow yourself to feel the depth of the ocean. And then resurface when you know that’s the deepest you can ever go. And promise to never to go beyond that.”
The First @ReclaimYourVoice Event || Planning the event was easy enough. I booked a room through the Toronto Public Library system and promoted it on Facebook. Most of the people I was connected to knew me only as a photographer so I’m sure they were surprised to see me promoting an event for people who’d been abused, but the response was incredible. 76 people not only confirmed their attendance but also left comments on the event page, applauding this initiative and saying how excited they were to attend. Their enthusiasm gave me another boost of confidence and I couldn’t wait for this to happen. When the big day came, my friends and I set up the space, laid out an abundance of refreshments, opened the doors and waited…and waited…and waited. But none of those 76 people showed up. Painful. I felt deflated. For so many people to have promised their support and to have none of them keep their word really hurt. I delayed the start of the event as long as I could, thinking that perhaps those 76 people were just having trouble finding the place, but after 45 minutes went by it became clear that they weren’t coming. Despite the crushing disappointment I felt, I had to put on a brave face and start the event. I went to the front of the room to welcome the 20 people who were there, all friends of mine and the other speakers, when suddenly my lifelong, paralyzing fear of public speaking resurfaced with a vengeance.
I hadn’t addressed a room since making presentations in high school and several years had passed since then so I simply assumed that I didn’t have stage fright anymore. I was completely wrong. Simply standing up to greet the small group filled me with absolute terror. After I welcomed everyone, I took my seat and one by one the other speakers shared their stories beautifully and gracefully while I sat waiting with my heart pounding, overcome with nerves. When it was my turn to tell my story, I went shakily to the front of the room and began to read from the speech I had prepared. When I got to the part about LO abusing his animals I started to cry and my whole body trembled. I paused to take a few deep breaths in an attempt to regain my composure but it didn’t help. As I fought my way through the torturous 15 minute speech, I repeatedly paused to breathe deeply hoping desperately that it would help calm me down, but it was of no use―I just had to power through. Interestingly, it was when I arrived at the part of my story where I finished speaking about the abuse itself and began talking about my healing that I finally calmed down. I stopped trembling and the tears ceased as well. To be completely honest, I didn’t feel good when the event was done. I felt low and gloomy, partially due to all the uncomfortable feelings that had arisen when I spoke (which I later learned is common after revisiting and releasing painful memories and not necessarily a bad sign) but also because of all the people who said they would show up but didn’t. I felt that maybe hosting this event had been a mistake. But my friend Cher, who had also shared her story that day, gushed to me about how amazing it had been. She once again caught me off guard with her positive view of this event and showed me that despite the heaviness I was feeling, something powerful had happened that day.
Planning the First @ReclaimYourVoice Event || For our first event, I decided to invite three speakers to share their stories. I planned to share my own story as well because I couldn’t ask anyone to do anything that I myself was unwilling to do. I approached three incredible women I knew who had each experienced some form of abuse. Although I strongly believed in this idea, my nerves began to kick in when it came time to ask if they’d be willing to share their stories publicly. I was worried that my proposition might come across as intrusive or insensitive, but all three of them caught me off guard by immediately agreeing to share their stories. @cher.bear8 was one of the women I invited to speak. I knew her through my photography work and had photographed her many times over the course of 10 years. Her excitement about speaking at this event surprised me completely. When I asked her why she seemed so eager to share something so deeply personal with a room full of people, she said that the only opportunity she’d ever had to share her story was within the cold and unfeeling confines of a courtroom while a defense attorney picked apart every detail of her disclosure and did everything he could to make her doubt herself. At our event she would have the opportunity to share her story―her truth―in a room full of supportive people without being interrupted, questioned or contested. I had a lack of knowledge and experience in this field, but Cher’s enthusiastic response to this opportunity strengthened my confidence in this idea, and started to give me a sense of how complex and multifaceted trauma and healing was. I recalled a quote from Mother Teresa that said, “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me.” I’d been learning more and more about the importance of choosing words that focus on the outcome one hoped to achieve instead of on what one did not want, so I made the decision that this event was to be held not in the name of the war against abuse, but in the name of peace and healing for all.
This was taken years ago, when I went into my doctor to get checked out after being assaulted. I took photos, as I always do, to enforce my control over the space where I would be examined; where I would go over what happened and determine whether or not I’d come out with more injuries than I already guessed. I never shared it because some things are for me, and I did not want to give it away. I’m sharing it today because so many of us have survived, and will keep going. We are here for each other, and don’t need to cut ourselves open to receive support. Our strength is flexible, and looks however we need it to look. You are not doing it wrong as long as you stay alive. I wish none of us had to go through this. — #HospitalGlam #violence #tw #sexualassault #ptsd #invisibleillness #invisibledisability #survivor #metoo [#imagedescription: I’m disheveled, on the edge of a medical bed in a gyn exam room, gripping the light above me. I am looking into the lens.] https://www.instagram.com/p/Bom7SJpHufx/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1nypcx87plyn3
#HospitalGlam: Same day, different providers. In the top photo I’d been arguing with techs and staff for 45 minutes before an invasive procedure, and this photo was taken while a tech was staring at me, with the hospital’s legal & corporate departments on the phone. We are always fighting for care, even in vulnerable states. The bottom photo was immediately after that appointment, in another doctor’s office, who gave me test results that weren’t the best but we could meet where we both were emotionally, in this world, right now, and breathe. Every day is hard and weird but there are pockets of hope in the people around us. Let them hold us. // [#imagedescription: horizontally split image showing me in two separate clinical spaces: in the top one it is me sitting on a gurney in a hospital gown prior to a bilateral breast ultrasound, paying more attention to the speakerphone discussion than the image. In the bottom, I’m sitting on a medical bed in a bright exam room, cross legged in a long black dress, animatedly talking to a doctor, off camera. The mood is very different between the images, as it was between appointments.] / #chronicillness #disability #disabledandcute #ehlersdanlosgrrrls #selfadvocacy #invisibleillness #survivor https://www.instagram.com/p/BokKAeqHSWL/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=q4uegdvsrq5o
Ford paid tribute to Miller for Time magazine’s 100 Next, a list of 100 rising stars published Wednesday.
Chanel Miller embodied courage long before writing her powerfully moving book, “Know My Name,” Ford wrote. She recounted how in 2016, Miller, then anonymous, confronted her assailant, Brock Turner, in court with a victim-impact statement that immediately went viral.
Earlier this year, Miller revealed her identity in her memoir “Know My Name,” seeking to reclaim her narrative and tell her full story.
