xno-chill-memesx:

When I first listen to Les by Donald Glover

First date, I’m fucking nervous

Date: “Are you nervous?”

Me to myself: you gotta act self confident!

Me (self confident): “No, I’m Sara.”

Once I fix my sleep schedule, start eating healthy, get physically fit, beat depression, stop procrastinating, learn how to do taxes and get mentally strong enough to make phone calls, then it’s over for you bitches!

The human brain is a fascinating organ. It starts working the day you were born and won’t stop until you’re in the middle of that fucking math exam and all of sudden everything you remember is the chorus of Cotten Eye Joe.

*puts earphones in*

*plays music*

*puts earphones out to check if the music plays loudly*

As well as in other situations I’m having great trust in myself and my ambitions!

I’m always trying to be super effective when I pick the order to do things & I have to verbally say ‘bitch just do SOMETHING’ before I sit & avoid everything bc I dk which to do first.

me: i wish someone would express interest in me

someone: expresses interest in me

me:

Today I’m thinking about…

…I skipped yesterday cause I was still thinking about the same 4 seconds of Hualian A/B/O on infinite loop but I had some insomnia last night and had a new nugget.

Rating: Mature

Modern AU. Liushen. Mentions of Bingliushen. Warnings for misgendering, mildly dubious consent due to alcohol, internalized homophobia, and “Liu Qingge is too tsundere for his own good.”

WAIT I JUST REALIZED: Call this one May Trope Mayhem day 8: In Vino Veritas!

*

Liu Qingge is straight. Very, very straight. Absolutely the straightest. And if occasionally he thinks of a dude when he’s…doing stuff…let’s just normal. Lots of dudes do that. Think about other dudes, right? Still the straightest. After all, he has never dateda man…he never woulddate a man…

You get the idea.

Anyway!

A friend from the office invites him to a Halloween party and he thinks - why not? It’s something to do, and someone else is paying for the booze, and maybe he can find a one-to-five-night stand. (Okay, if he’s honest with himself, he thinks he’ll hate it, but he knows he’s supposedto like to do things like go to parties and get smashed, and again, at least this time someone else will be paying.) He dresses up as a lacrosse player, because…he actually is a lacrosse player…so everything is already in his closet…and heads over at a fashionably late hour entirely on purpose even though it grates on him not to be punctual.

The night instantly gets infinitely better, though, when he meets a nice girl not long after arriving. She’s…she’s pretty great? Funny, with the sleekest long black hair, and Liu Qingge didn’t know they made “sexy cucumber” Halloween costumes but he supposes he shouldn’t be surprised. She laughs at his jokes, too, and he knows he can be pretty dense but even he can’t miss the eyes she makes at him.

They end up going to a hotel together (she’s clearly reticent to go to his place, doesn’t want to go to hers cause - Liu Qingge guesses - that’d mean getting her address - and fuck it, Liu Qingge is on the far side of tipsy and she’s hot as fuck and he can absolutely afford a splurge to get his rocks off with the gorgeous party chick who actually seems interested in him - not that it’s rare for him to meet women who are dtf, but it IS rare for him to meet women who seem maybe interested in MORE than that? But she does appear to be.

It’s not until they’ve been making out for at least ten minutes in the swank room he’s gotten them that he makes the discovery that “sexy cucumber” has aptly chosen her…his???…their…costume, when his burgeoning erection bonks into…Cucumber’s burgeoning erection.

And, if he were a smidge less drunk, or the night had been a smidge shittier, or Cucumber was a smidge less enticing, or, or, or…well, he MIGHT have called it right then. Had a huge freak out. Probably made an ass of himself.

But instead, he thinks - oh, fuck it…he’s fantasized about being with a dude how many times?? And he’s found a dude he wants, and who appears to want him, and it’s a one night stand, and they’re both drunk enough that the consent is probably dubious except that it’s so obviously not (anyway, they were definitely flirting long before either was even slightly gone) and she’s…he’s…(would it be weird to ask pronouns right now? it’d be weird, right???)…Cucumber’s got their hands on Liu Qingge’s cock and the body beneath that ridiculous costume is absolute perfection and Liu Qingge is, in fact, extremely dtf.

Even more amazingly, when he wakes up the next morning, a buck-ass naked dude sharing a bed with another buck-ass naked dude, he doesn’tfreak the fuck out.

(At least not immediately).

It helps that said dude - Shen Yuan, he says his name is, surprisingly shyly? - is easily the embodiment of every wet dream Liu Qingge has (DEFINITELY NEVER) ever had. He’s a little short - well, at least compared to Liu Qingge - and he’s slim, just muscled enough to look toned, just soft enough that Liu Qingge is positive he could man-handle him (literally, figuratively, in whatever way Shen Yuan will allow, though only by consent!). No, so far from panicking, Liu Qingge instead is extremelyglad that Halloween was on a Friday night.

“So, um, do you want me to go?” asks Shen Yuan, as if he (yes, it’s he/him, Liu Qingge has checked now) expects the answer to be “yes,” as if he’s so used to the answer being “yes” that he’s already tensing to roll out of bed and pull back on his cucumber costume and do a walk of shame back to wherever he lives.

The urge to answer by rolling over and atop Shen Yuan, shimmying between his legs, slipping a tongue between his lovely lips and a cock between his lovely ass cheeks, is intense, but Liu Qingge is sober now, and sober!Liu Qingge is boring as fuck and also keenly aware that while he wantsto assume that Shen Yuan’s tone is plaintive and hopeful, it might actuallybe “desperate for escape,” so instead he answers,

“If that’s your preference, absolutely,” he says with all the sincerity he can muster. Shen Yuan’s expression falls and he starts to rise. Liu Qingge resists the urge to grab his hand, but does add, “but I’d far prefer you stay. The room is ours until 11…”

With a dazzling smile that has Liu Qingge even more smitten than he already was, Shen Yuan flops back onto the bed, and Liu Qingge has the perfect opportunity to enact his first “answer.” Shen Yuan is hot, eager, opening his arms and legs and mouth and hole like he can’t imagine anything he wants more.

But, self, I’m fucking a dude!

Yeah, dumbass, and it’s fucking amazing. Amazing fucking? Fucking fucking. Whatever. It’s good, isn’t it?

He can’t disagree with himself there.

They spend the whole morning fucking.

At noon, the hotel concierge calls up to demand they vacate.

Instead, after a quick “conversation” with Shen Yuan communicated entirely with facial expressions, Liu Qingge re-books the room for the next night, even paying the premium for doing so at such a late point.

They spend the whole afternoon fucking, too, with only a brief break to get food.

The whole evening, too, aside from dinner and a shared shower that ends in blow jobs.

Liu Qingge has never come this many times in a 24 hour period.

Shen Yuan admits, voice blurry with exhaustion, lips swollen from kisses, ass dripping with Liu Qingge’s come, that he never has, either, but he’s definitely interested in seeing if maybe they can break this record the next day.

Liu Qingge is about 80% sure he falls asleep with Shen Yuan still riding him, though they’re both so exhausted he can’t even say for sure. Maybe he just dozes off and segues immediately into a wet dream that still features Shen Yuan?

Maybe this has all been a dream…

…but no, he wakes up the next morning, and Shen Yuan is still there, still asleep, still beautiful, still very much a dude…

…andnowLiu Qingge freaks out.

He at least has the grace to do so quietly?

And he pays for the room, leaves the tip for housekeeping, even makes sure that breakfast is waiting, hot and delicious looking, for Shen Yuan, but he can’t bring himself to stay. His entire chest is tight, his mind repeating an endless litany of I fucked a dude - I’m straight - maybe I’m not straight? - no, I’m straight, I have to be straight - fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck–

He hates feeling like he’s running away.

He’s absolutely running away.

And that would have been that, if not for three things:

1. He cannot, cannot, stop thinking about Shen Yuan. He’s got eyes for no one else. He masturbates remembering how it felt to thrust into that spectacular body while stroking that hard cock and kissing those rough lips. He compares literally every potential sexual partner to Shen Yuan and finds them wanting. Even worse…he misses Shen Yuan - which is fucking insane, they hardly knew each other! Yet somehow, anyway, he misses talking with him (then fucking him), laughing with him (while fucking him), eating a meal with him (after fucking him)…okay, yeah, he’s got it kinda bad. And it’s a shock, because he’s neverfelt this way with a woman. No-strings-attached sex has always been easier - the only kind of sex he found appealing. But apparently, that’s not what he wants now. He wants Shen Yuan. But that’s impossible, because Liu Qingge has fucked everything up.
2. Somehow his sister finds out? And she gives him one hellof a talking to, “as if anyone who has ever metyou think’s you’re straight!” and it’s enough to leave him deeplyashamed, questioning everything he thought he knew about himself. As if he wasn’t alreadyquestioning everything he thought he knew about himself.
3. And somehow some rando finds out? And shows up at Liu Qingge’s apartment? And says his name is Luo Binghe?? And that he’s there to kick Liu Qingge’s ass??? Because Liu Qingge made Shen Yuan cry???? And it’s not like Liu Qingge will back down from a challenge. He’s a badass and he knows it. Which makes it all the more shocking when Luo Binghe does, in fact, kick Liu Qingge’s ass.

Ow.

And Shen Yuan cried over Liu Qingge?

Double ow.

And Liu Qingge has cried over Shen Yuan?

No, he hasn’t, he definitely hasn’t, he never would, he’d never…

…anyway, getting his teeth kicked in actually ends up vaguely weirdly helping, because Liu Qingge ends up laid up in bed for two days after he loses to Luo Binghe, and during those two days he has nothing to do but watch shitty daytime TV and think.

And no matter how hard he tries not to, he thinks about Shen Yuan.

And by the time he can move without wanting to cry again (because of the pain, for no other reason, okay?) he’s ready to eat humble pie enough to go ask his sister how the fuckshe found out about any of this.

Liu Mingyan, for her part, looks at him like he’s spontaneously become a moron.

(As if she hasn’t known he was a moron all along.)

“The party…was at Shang Qinghua’s house?”

Yes, Liu Qingge was well aware, Shang Qinghua was the branch manager at his office, and yeah it was weird for the manager to invite him to a Halloween party more appropriate to a fraternity, but whatever. “And…?”

“And Shen Yuan is like…his best frenemy?”

“What the fuck is a ‘frenemy’?”

“Don’t pretend you don’t know,” she scoffs. “I know you watch chick flicks when you think no one is looking.”

“I do not!” He so does.

“AndShen Yuan is Shang Qinghua’s drag daughter?”

“What does thatmean?” This time, he actually doesn’t know.

She doesn’t tell him anyway.

But she does roll her eyes, heave a long-suffering sigh, pull out her phone, frantically type something, and stare him down for the few endless-feeling seconds between when she puts the phone back in her pocket and Liu Qingge’s phone pingsin his own.

He takes it out, answering her eye roll with one of his his own, and reads her text.

3142 Halloway Ave., 8 PM Friday night.

Liu Qingge has no idea what that’s supposed to mean or what it has to do with anything.

(Maybe it’s Shen Yuan’s address?)

Nevertheless, he will be there come hell or high water.

(He hopes it’s Shen Yuan’s address.)

It’s not Shen Yuan’s address.

It is, in fact, a bar…a very, very gay bar/gastropub called “The Bear & Stag” flying a trans-and-rainbow pride flag out front. A flier outside when Liu Qingge shows up at 5-of (punctual, damn it!) promises a drag show to start at 8, tickets $20.

Drag show.

Drag daughter? Has something to do with dressing in drag, maybe?

That…must mean something…though fuck if Liu Qingge knows what…but he pays the cover, orders a wheat beer (he wants to be sober for whatever the fuck is going on), hunkers down by the bar, and waits the few minutes for the show to start.

Shock 1: the person who opens the show, clearly acting as Emcee and naming themself “Airplane Shooting Toward the Sky” is definitelyShang Qinghua in really fucking impressive Pan-am-flight-attendant-circa-1985 drag.

Shock 2: Luo Binghe is the bouncer, and is glaring murder at Liu Qingge from the other end of the bar.

Shock 3: that cucumber costume wasn’t just a Halloween costume; Shen Yuan comes out as the announcer, about a half-hour into the show, shouts, “Next up - Peerless Cucumberrrrrrrr!” and the crowd goes nuts and Shen Yuan gives them all a saucy wink and goes into a pole dance that has Liu Qingge on the verge of coming in his pants.

Oh.

Ohfuck.

Liu Qingge is definitely, definitelynot straight.

(Spoilers, Liu Qingge is actually bisexual/homoromantic, though it’s gonna take him a longtime to work that out.)

It’s a small blessing, he supposes, that Shen Yuan doesn’t spot him.

Shock 4: during intermission, Shang Qinghua approaches him, mutters, “make this right or I’m firing you,” and slinks off shooting winning smiles to all the fans in the audience who ask for autographs, utterly innocent and irreproachable like he hasn’t just engaged in flagrant blackmail.

Shock 5: when Liu Qingge tries to get backstage to offer some fucking apologies like a fucking grown up, Luo Binghe blocks him with a wordless growl, arms as thick as Liu Qingge’s thighs crossed over his chest.

Stuck between a goddamn rock and a fucking hard place.

The image that conjures in Liu Qingge’s mind has absolutely nothing to do with geology and absolutely everything to do with “Luo Binghe = rock,” “Shen Yuan = hard place,” “Liu Qingge = sandwich filling,” and that sounds like about the hottest fucking thing he’s ever imagined and wait how did he everthink he was straight?

(He always knew he wasn’t straight but fuck did he desperately want to be.)

(Looking back on it now, he can’t remember whyhe wanted to be.)

Regardless…he’s so fired.

At least, so he thinks, but he’s determined to drink his sorrows away, and proceeds to try to do so as quickly as he can. Maybe if he downs enough gin-and-tonics he can drown? No, probably not, but he can probably fuck his liver up something fierce and that’s a nice option two given how much of a masochistic fuck up he is.

All of which is to say, he’s three sheets to the wind and feeling extremelysorry for himself when, sometime after midnight, Peerless Cucumber his/herself comes out and takes the stool beside him at the bar.

“You’re a real asshole,” announces Shen Yuan, with all the cocky attitude he showed during the party, all the confidence that vanished once he was naked and exposed and lying at Liu Qingge’s side and a tear definitely does not fall down Liu Qingge’s face as he remembers vividly how nicely it felt to wake up with Shen Yuan beside him.

“Yup,” Liu Qingge agrees with a forlorn hiccup.

“What are you doing here?”

My sister made me, he almost says. My boss threatened me, he almost says. I just felt like it, didn’t even know you’d be here, he almost says. But, no, he’s too drunk and lonely and sad for those lies - even the true lies. Yeah, maybe his sister made him, maybe Shang Qinghua blackmailed him, but really they needn’t have bothered. Liu Qingge had only needed one piece of information to induce him to come to The Bear & Stag, and that is…

“I came to see you,” mumbles Liu Qingge, and it’s a good thing Shen Yuan isn’tsmashed, because otherwise given the intensity with which Liu Qingge makes that confession to…the surface of the ice cubes in his current tumbler…Shen Yuan mighthave been confused.

“Well, I’m here.” Fortunately, Shen Yuan is notconfused.

“Shouldn’t be,” grumbles Luo Binghe, walking by with apparently casually timing far too perfect to actually be an accident.

“Fuck you,” counters Shen Yuan without any heat.

“Why?” Liu Qingge forces himself to look at Shen Yuan; he’s changed out of the cucumber dress and is instead wearing a sun dress, the curvy lines of it presumably the result of padding beneath the clothing, and he’s so gorgeous Liu Qingge wants to kiss him senseless then drag him to bed.

“Why am I here?” Shen Yuan shrugs. “Where else would I be?” Liu Qingge stares at him incredulously. Shen Yuan shrugs again.

“Literally…anywhere?” mutters Liu Qingge. “Luo Binghe seems interested.”

“Naw, he’s just a big ol’ bear,” says Shen Yuan breezily. “In several senses of the word.”

“I don’t know what that means.” Liu Qingge wishes he didn’t sound so miserable. But, he sounds utterly miserable. (He isutterly miserable.) And he realizes - it doesn’t matter what it means. He doesn’t even care anymore. All he cares about is…is…is…look, he knows, but he can’t even bring himself to thinkit, much less say it, and fuck his life. Anger spikes suddenly through his melancholy, incinerating it, and suddenly sitting up straight, he snaps, “Look, I’m sorry, I’m a fuck up, I get it, but do you want to fuck again?”

There.

THAT he can say.

Good.

Except maybe not so good, because Shen Yuan just blinks at him once, twice, three times, then says slowly, “So you can have a Big Gay Panic and ditch me again?”

Oh.

Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

But–

“No,” Liu Qingge says and shakes his head, and oops, that was a mistake - the whole room swims, Shen Yuan blurring into a rainbow blob of the colors from his dress. “No, fuck it, I’m not gay, but I’m definitely something, guys are hot - you’re hot - and I fucking screwed up and I get that and I already said I’m sorry what the fuck else do you want from me?”

There’s another long pause.

Or maybe it’s only a moment, Liu Qingge doesn’t even know anymore, he’s way too fucking drunk for this.

Shen Yuan half-shrugs - why a dude shrug so much, what’s up with that? Maybe Liu Qingge should ask - and says, “I don’t know, maybe about 8 inches? Or was it 9?”

Liu Qingge swallows hard. “I’ve never measured,” he flat-out lies, suddenly hoarse. (It’s just under 8. Not that he’s going to say that. Anyway, it’s the girth that counts.) “So, we doing this?”

“No,” replies Shen Yuan. Confusion sweeps away other emotions. Man, being drunk and trying to have a serious conversation sucks. “Not tonight.”

“But…” Now he’s whining, god, doing any of this was about the worst decision Liu Qingge has ever made. (Wait, no, fuck that, if “any of this” includes Shen Yuan…doing Shen Yuan was absolutely nota bad decision. Only everything sincethen, yeah, Liu Qingge demands–) “Do over.”

“Huh?”

“I want a do over.”

“And you’ll get one,” says Shen Yuan brightly. Okay, no, it’s not the alcohol, Shen Yuan is just that fucking confusing. “But first, you’re going to sober up, and then we’re going to talk - actually talk - about what you want–”

“You.”

“Sweet, but unspecific, and that’s my point. I thought you wanted me then–”

“I did!”

“–but then you left–”

“Because I’m an idiot.”

“–and now you’re here again–”

“And apologizing, don’t forget the apologizing!”

“–and if you’re gonna sober up and go all 'I’m straight’ again…I do notwant a do over of that. Once was plenty.”

“I won’t,” Liu Qingge says with all the sincerity he can muster, which turns out not to be very much. Mostly he just sounds like a blubbery drunk, and now his eyes are notswimming with tears, it’s just the booze. Just drunken blurry vision, nothing else! “Seriously, Shen Yuan. I fucking won’t. I’ve regretted it every day since. I just…want you back…”

“In your bed?”

“In my bed, on my arm, in my shower, at my dinner table, on a date night, at a movie…”

“Just to be clear…you don’t mean those are all places you’d fuck me?”

Liu Qingge almost shakes his head again, then stops short. Won’t make thatmistake again. Anyway, it’s not true…not exactly… “I mean…I would…” he mutters consideringly. Shen Yuan laughs. Oh, that’s the sound Liu Qingge has missed. “But, uh, deep-dicking optional? I just want someone to see a movie with.”

“Someone? Anyone?”

Shen Yuan mightbe teasing him. But…well, fuck it, Liu Qingge has already said more embarrassing touchy feely shit tonight than he’s said basically his entire fucking life before this and yeah he’s drunk so Shen Yuan might not take him seriously but from Liu Qingge’s internal point of view…he knows himself well enough to know he’s only talking at all because he’s smashed. Anything he doesn’t say now sure isn’t gonna get said once he’s sober, so better to air it all out. Hopefully, afterwards, they can get to the fun part (fucking, ideally) without having to do anymore of the unfun part (wording, ugh).

“You,” he says, clearly and bluntly. Shen Yuan breaks into a stunning smile. “I want you, Shen Yuan. I fucked up. I get that. But I won’t again. Will you…uh…” He swallows. He can do this. He can! “…be my boyfriend?”

“Can I take anything drunk!you says seriously?”

“Here–” And idea strikes Liu Qingge like a lightning bolt. Scrambling at his jean’s pocket, he tries to get his phone for a solid 8 seconds before he remembers he put it in his jacket. Finally taking it out, he passes it to Shen Yuan, who blinks uncertainly at him. “Enter your phone number for a text.” Shen Yuan taps at the screen then hands the phone back. Taking it, Liu Qingge types out Shen Yuan, Peerless Cucumber, will you be my boyfriend? and hits send.

Shen Yuan takes out his cell phone, sees the text, and shoots Liu Qingge a “what the fuck?” look.

“Don’t answer,” Liu Qingge explains eagerly. This is an awesomeidea. All the words when he can say them, all the resolution post-alcohol-haze when it’s needed! “Wait 'til I sober up tomorrow–”

“With how much you’ve drunk, you really think tomorrow’s gonna do it?”

“–wait til I sober up Sunday morning…uh…make that afternoon…then text me back. With a 'yes’ I hope, but you can go with 'go fuck yourself’ if you really want, it’s about what I deserve. And then - see how I react then. If I’m a homophobic jackass again, you never have to see me again. But if I’m not…”

When Shen Yuan opens his mouth to (Liu Qingge assumes) complete that thought, Liu Qingge expects him to say, “…then I’ll know.” That’s how Liu Qingge ended the sentence in his own head. Thus, he’s completely unprepared for Shen Yuan to say, “Then I’ll have a boyfriend!” with wonderfully enthusiasm.

Liu Qingge’s throat goes dry.

Liu Qingge’s dick tries, woefully, to get hard despite all the alcohol thinning his blood.

Liu Qingge’s brain switches to RED ALERT - PANIC mode.

He ignores it.

Because as fucking terrifying as that is…he wants it. He wants it, wants Shen Yuan, so badly.

“Yeah,” he manages to say. It feels more real, more safe, more right, once it’s out, aloud, in the world. “Yeah,” he repeats more confidently. “Then you’ll have…me.”

“Worst consolation prize ever,” grumbles Luo Binghe from fuck-knows-where.

“Shut up,” Shen Yuan replies brightly, then returns his focus to Liu Qingge. “I’ll have exactly what I want. Just - don’t fuck it up again,” he adds, waggling a finger way too close to Liu Qingge’s face. (Too close because all Liu Qingge wants to do his suck on it, and fuck, he is sointo men, why did he neverlet himself do this before?)

“I won’t. I really, really won’t.”

He definitely won’t.

Finally,finally, Liu Qingge knows what - knows who - he wants, and he’s never gonna fuck up again.

(Well…he’s gotta call bullshit on himself…but he’s never gonna fuck up this bad again…)

“Perfect,” says Shen Yuan.

“Yeah, you are.”

Shen Yuan lights up like the goddamn sun, without the accompanying eye-sear, which. Fuck yeah, awesome, magnificent, splendid, some other adjectives he can’t think of, absolutely ideal.

Oh yeah - Liu Qingge’s got this in the bag.

…oops this got so stupidly long. *sweat drop*

They fixed my account I’m so happy

What is wrong with me? I feel like no one needs me. I’m so lonely. I fuck up everything and everyone. I’m so useless and I’m sick of it.. Give me one reason why should l stay alive..

Bruh who made this

Moood

guilty

Lmfao

reid starts playing piano with sammy in s6 ep16

me: