This message is mostly for my fellow Romani, and I’m putting it under the cut instead of answering through asks because it could be triggering.
I usually let this stuff go because I don’t want to feed the trolls, and I don’t want to give outsiders a bad impression. But. Just.
I’m sick to death of getting harassed.
TW for under the cut: general cruelty, biphobia, anti-white-passing rhetoric (is there even a real word for this?)
I’m sure you thought the harassment that forced this post would come from gadje. In some ways, I wish it did.
I’m definitely too Roma for the racists, particularly the MCU fans.WandaVisionstans have me listed on hate accounts. I don’t even bother sharing that nonsense because I’d have no time to sleep. I haven’t posted anything on AO3 in a year because I stillget racist messages on my stories there, particularly my Avengers WIP.
I’m also not nearlyRoma enough for the Romani traditionalists, which… I’m sorry, but that’s absurd. I’m full-blood Roma. We were raised with romanipen. But the moment I admitted I was white-passing, a small (but vocal) group of Roma decided I’m not Romani enough for them.
I recently responded to a Twitter thread about me that I acknowledged was mostly respectful. I stand by that. It’s hard to stay good-natured about posts like that, though, when I’m simultaneously receiving shit like this. It comes from the same line of thinking.
I want to be understanding with Romani who don’t agree with me online, but you guys seriously suck sometimes. I regularly get links to posts and tweets and reddit threads where people debate my right to “call myself Romani.” Like it’s something I need to earn? By more than just being born to two Romani parents? Do you need mypermission to be Roma? I don’t think you do.
But it’s not really about that, is it?
You don’t like me, and you want to hit where it hurts. You want to invalidate what I say by invalidating me. By gatekeeping (yes, you are fucking gatekeeping) my entire family! You’ve never even met us!
You need to keep my kids out of this. For real.
What. Is. Wrong. With. You?
If you think I have no right to speak to you, you can literally leave. You can click away. You can block me. No one’s forcing you to read this. I don’t get paid a fucking dime to do this, and it’s often completely miserable to be here.
(I’m also not straight, but yes: I’m married to a cis man. Ha ha ha. Biphobia is hilarious.)
If you are white-passing, know that you are valid.
BIPOC don’t owe anybody their DNA tests. You don’t owe anybody else the “right” skin tone, the “right” interests, the “right” romantic partner, the “right” language. You don’t have to prove yourself. Anybody who asks you to do so isn’t worth your time, frankly.
I also hate the parts of our history that make this seem acceptable, even necessary. I do get it. I keep reminding myself that this is an anonymous platform, and we’ve been burned by so many Natalie Winters before. It’s why I continue to give you guys grace while you debate whether or not I even exist.
I’m taking a break. I have to step back again. Sorry to my followers, who are mostly very nice people trying to support each other. Sorry for losing my temper, I hate doing that. But my kids aren’t white, you asshole. Neither am I.
I’m not a “fakeass lgbt,” and I’m not “fakeass poc,” and you need to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish by shutting me down. I have never, not even once, sent something like this to any of you. I wouldn’t.
I initially responded to this ask in the middle of last night.
In the morning, I felt my response was too harsh. This was just one of so many similar asks, and certainly not the rudest. It just hit at the wrong time. A couple things were going on, and I’m always wordy so I put the second half under the cut.
1)Lots and lots and lots of people were calling me white on Tumblr. Some of them came at it sideways (“it’s giving White Savior,” “passing people might as well enlist,” “did your brown rub off in the shower lol”), but plenty more just straight-up called me a white person.
I’ve been really open about white-passing on Tumblr over the last year, because I feel that’s an important disclosure to make when I talk about Romani issues. I experience a lot of bigotry because of it. A lot. As in, at least one new asshole every couple weeks. I get deluges of it any time I post about something controversial.
I’m not white. I don’t have a “white side.” Both my parents are Romani, as are all four of my grandparents. It’s veryracist to call me a “white person” just because I don’t look the way you expect a POC to look. Not to mention, none of you actually know what I look like.
I assume, in my kinder moments, that people think they’re punching up. You can’t really punch up at a Roma anywhere in the world, okay, but many Americans don’t understand that. I have some privileges. I breathe through it and move on.
Days like yesterday, I’m less charitable. It was too much.
2)I was answering a lot of messages and asks.
I did notexpect to get so many questions. People wanted advice on how to navigate conversations about the Oscars with white people in their lives. Some younger people already had upsetting conversations, and just wanted support.
(If you’ve sent me an unanswered message, I promise I will get back to you as soon as I can. If you sent an ask, be sure you come off anon so I don’t have to answer you publicly. I don’t want you to see a rude comment before I can take care of it.)
I know that the Tumblr consensus was that everything I said in my post was “common knowledge.” I experienced first-hand that it is not. I left the post up as long as I did because it really was helping people. They felt safe to contact me, and talk over things that made them vulnerable. Several of them started their messages by telling me they felt stupid, and that sucks! They aren’t stupid! It was hard to watch so many BIPOC imply that everyone should know how white people will react, so it’s infantilizingto say the quiet part out loud. Not everybody has your life experience. Not everybody has your social awareness. It doesn’t make anyone an infantbecause they need this stuff explained to them.
I’ve tried very hard to be a safe place for people to come online, and that’s why I took down my original response to this ask. I rarely lose my temper on here. I just let myself get stretched too thin.
Was my post “necessary?” I don’t know. What would make it necessary? Is it enough that some people found a sympathetic ear, and some advice from stranger who won’t judge them for asking?
Was it “very stupid?” No. It was probably worded badly, but it was also true. If you don’t learn how to navigate situations like this from a relative or a friend, you’re going to learn it the hard way. It’s awful. I don’t want people to end up in awful situations.
Look, I’m a mom and an aunt. I know I bring some of that energy to Tumblr. So many of my followers are teenagers, and young adults. I always want young people to have the knowledge and the tools to make a choice, and to stand by that choice when it gets challenged. I want them to avoid some of the heartbreaks we had to endure.
There is no “common knowledge” when it comes to race relations, and it’s frustrating to see smart people act like it exists.
So, anyway, I took the post down because people were being both anti-Roma and anti-white-passing. That hurts. I can take criticism pretty well online, even when it’s en masse, but I’ll admit that this kind of bigotry wears me down. You can hate my post for its own sake. You don’t have to disrespect my race.
I struck a raw nerve, and that definitely wasn’t my intention. Honestly, I’m not sure why the post got so much traction. I apologize that it was worded in a way that made people feel talked down to. That’s my error. I truly don’t have an opinion on who was in the right/wrong at the Oscars, but I do know a lot about protecting yourself in white spaces. When we watched it happen live, in our living room, I knew immediately that ordinary people were going to get hurt. My inbox proved me right. So, I am very sorry for the way I said it. I’m not sorry for saying it.
I also apologize for bringing up spanking/smacks in the post, and I admit that I did notexpect it freak so many people out. Maybe that’s a function of my age/stage of life? Maybe where I grew up, or the culture I as raised in? I think it was triggering. That was in poor taste. I’m sorry.
There was criticism I agreed with, and will take to heart.
Umm, also, I’m annoyed, so here’s one extra thought to get pissed off at me about, I guess…
Having white friends is not the same as passing for white. It is not. That was kind of my whole point.
Fellow POC: Would your white friends say exactly the same shit to you if you, too, were white? I don’t know your friends! Maybe they would! From my personal experience, I doubt that’s the case.
Honestly, that’s for the best because people shouldtake your life experience into account when they speak to you. Shouldn’t they? It can be racist, true, but it can also be a way of respecting you. It can function both ways.
Best case scenario is that white people are just as kind and considerate and open-minded when we aren’t around. That would be great. It’s not the norm, though, which is shitty.
Sometimes, I’m in the room as the token Romani. Sometimes, I’m just another pale face. The room is different for me, depending.
White-passing is a completely different experience than having white friends. There are some obvious parallels to draw here, and you’re all smart enough to draw them. Don’t treat this like it’s the same thing.
I’m not trying to discount anyone’s opinion based on this bias alone, but it’s really bothering me. If you don’t believe me, ask a white-passing BIPOC that you know personally. See what they think. You might not like my opinions, particularly today, but I can’t let that weird take slide by unacknowledged.
Anyway, we’re so annoying. Like, as a class of people.
This is the shit I block, because looking white means I’m a white person. Right? Should I go on?
Umm, also, I’m annoyed, so here’s one extra thought to get pissed off at me about, I guess…
Having white friends is not the same as passing for white. It is not. That was kind of my whole point.
Fellow POC: Would your white friends say exactly the same shit to you if you, too, were white? I don’t know your friends! Maybe they would! From my personal experience, I doubt that’s the case.
Honestly, that’s for the best because people shouldtake your life experience into account when they speak to you. Shouldn’t they? It can be racist, true, but it can also be a way of respecting you. It can function both ways.
Best case scenario is that white people are just as kind and considerate and open-minded when we aren’t around. That would be great. It’s not the norm, though, which is shitty.
Sometimes, I’m in the room as the token Romani. Sometimes, I’m just another pale face. The room is different for me, depending.
White-passing is a completely different experience than having white friends. There are some obvious parallels to draw here, and you’re all smart enough to draw them. Don’t treat this like it’s the same thing.
I’m not trying to discount anyone’s opinion based on this bias alone, but it’s really bothering me. If you don’t believe me, ask a white-passing BIPOC that you know personally. See what they think. You might not like my opinions, particularly today, but I can’t let that weird take slide by unacknowledged.
Anyway, we’re so annoying. Like, as a class of people.
Umm, also, I’m annoyed, so here’s one extra thought to get pissed off at me about, I guess…
Having white friends is not the same as passing for white. It is not. That was kind of my whole point.
Fellow POC: Would your white friends say exactly the same shit to you if you, too, were white? I don’t know your friends! Maybe they would! From my personal experience, I doubt that’s the case.
Honestly, that’s for the best because people shouldtake your life experience into account when they speak to you. Shouldn’t they? It can be racist, true, but it can also be a way of respecting you. It can function both ways.
Best case scenario is that white people are just as kind and considerate and open-minded when we aren’t around. That would be great. It’s not the norm, though, which is shitty.
Sometimes, I’m in the room as the token Romani. Sometimes, I’m just another pale face. The room is different for me, depending.
White-passing is a completely different experience than having white friends. There are some obvious parallels to draw here, and you’re all smart enough to draw them. Don’t treat this like it’s the same thing.
I’m not trying to discount anyone’s opinion based on this bias alone, but it’s really bothering me. If you don’t believe me, ask a white-passing BIPOC that you know personally. See what they think. You might not like my opinions, particularly today, but I can’t let that weird take slide by unacknowledged.
Yo, I hope I’m not out of line since I am a light skin/white-passing Latino, but I feel so much comradeship with black people, even though we have very different experiences.
