What happens when the lines blur between fetish & need? Pain & pleasure?
When the migraine mornings aren’t so bad because you can put on a neck brace & oxygen and relax… When your shoulder seizes up, but a heat pack, brace & sling will make it feel better… When your sinus issues are raging and a nebulizer treatment soothes them…
Do you still know when the pain is real and the needs are legit? Or has the innocent playing turned into something more? You’ve always considered yourself a fetishist/kinkster or mayyybe a pretender/wannabe, but has that changed now? Because you’re using your ‘toys’ for more actual ailments now and wondering what it means to no longer be a ‘pretender.’
Are those braced mornings still recreational or have they become more of a necessity? You don’t have a chronic illness that’s ever been diagnosed, but it’s happening more often that medical aids & treatments are improving your quality of life. You’re using them now because you need to, not just because you wantto.
You ask yourself: are you okay with that? And you find yourself saying yes, because it’s helping, and it’s satisfying, and now you don’t have to only just pretend anymore. You don’t have to be ashamed of wanting to wear a brace or use a medical device because now you actually need it. You know you’ll feel better with it.
But the lines are blurry, and you still fight your conscience that says you shouldn’t enjoy needing these things; that there are sicker people than you, who need them more than you do, and who definitely don’t enjoy needing them to go about their lives… You still feel the shame. You still grapple with giving yourself permission to use what you need to. You still feel the stigma.
So for now you’re stuck in this limbo… in this purgatory… on the verge… of being ill, but not ill enough. You are. But you aren’t. You have needs… but do you really? Is it real… or is it all in your head? Can you accept this new normal or will the tightrope you’re now walking lead somewhere you don’t want it to? Or maybe… just maybe… it leads exactly where you’ve wanted to go all along.
HospitalGlam :; errors in framing. I like it anyway. Letting go of perfection has personally been my biggest obstacle with disability. It’s also been one of my greatest learning moments… To learn that absolutely nothing will go exactly as planned, or even expected.
That to seek perfection is to seek out futility. ///
PT this morning. At this point I’m only going for osteopathic management. Hopefully after I recover from surgery I can get back to strengthening.
Bracing for housework so I don’t have hand pain tonight.
This is super cool! What type of brace is this/where do you get it? Is it comfy for long term wear? What area of pain does it target? So many questions! Ahh but it looks cool and I’m glad is works for you.
