#year in review

This year, in hindsight, was a real write-off. I had grand plans for it, and while I ushered it in in a very low-key manner since I was recovering from the flu, I’d expected things to look up. Well, you know what they say about plans (RIP, my trip to Europe). I got very, very sick in early February, and I’m not entirely sure it wasn’t COVID. Since March, the days have been a carousel of monotony: coffee, run, work, cook, yoga, existential spiral, sleep. My Own Private Year of Rest and Relaxation, if you will. Of course, life has a way of breaking through regardless; I attended protests, completed my thesis, graduated from grad school, took a couple of road trips upstate, and celebrated the accomplishments and birthdays of friends and family from a safe social distance. It was all a bit of a blur, and not ideal circumstances to re-enter the real world, or whatever this COVID-present is. 

Throughout it all, in lieu of happy hours, coffee dates, and panel discussions, I’ve turned even more to culture and cuisine to fill the the negative space on my calendar where my social life once resided. However, since a global pandemic ought not to disrupt every tradition, here’s my year-end round up of what made this terrible one slightly more tolerable. 

TV

After an ascetic fall semester abstaining from TV in 2019 (save for my beloved Succession), I allowed myself to watch more as the year wore on, and especially after graduation. I caught up on some cultural blind spots by finally getting around to The Sopranos, Ramy, Search Party, andGirlfriends.I wasn’t alone in bingeing Sopranos, it absolutely lived up to the hype and then some; this Jersey Girl can’t get enough gabagool-adjacent content, pizzeria culture is my culture!

Speaking of my culture, there was also a disproportionate amount of UK and European shows in my queue. Nothing like being in social isolation and watching the horny Irish teens in Normal People brood. I’m partial to it because I share a surname with the showrunner, so I have to embrace blind loyalty even though there was, in my opinion, a Marianne problem in the casting. Speaking of charming Irish characters with limited emotional vocabularies, I belatedly discovered This Way Up a 2019 show from Aisling Bea and Sharon Horgan. And while Connell and Marianne are actually exceptional students, I found the real normal people on GBBO to bring me a bit more joy. Baking was abundantly therapeutic for me this year, and watching charming people drink loads of tea and fret over soggy bottoms was a comfort. I also discovered the Great Pottery Throw Down, and as a lifelong ceramics enthusiast, I cannot recommend it highly enough if you care about things like slips, coils, and glazing techniques. GPTD embraces wabi sabi in a way that GBBO eschews flaws in favor of perfection, and in a time of uncertainty, the former reminded me why I miss getting my hands in the mud as a coping mechanism (hence all the baking). Speaking of coping mechanisms, like everybody else with two eyes and an HBO password, I loved Michaela Cole’s I May Destroy You; though we’ve all had enough distress this year for a lifetime, watching Cole’s Arabella process her assault and search for meaning, justice, and closure was a compelling portrait of grief and purpose in the aftermath of trauma. Arabella’s creative and patient friends Kwame and Terry steal the show throughout, as they deal with their own setbacks and emotional turmoil. Where I May Destroy You provides catharsis, Ted Lasso presents British eccentricity in all its stereotypical glory. At first I was skeptical of the show’s hype on Twitter, but once I gave in it charmed me, if only for Roy Kent’s emotional trajectory and extolling the restorative powers of shortbread. For a more accurate depiction of life in London, Steve McQueen’s series Small Axe provides a visually lush and politically clear-eyed depiction of the lives of British West Indians in the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Lastly, how could I get through a recap of my year in tv if I don’t mention The Crown.Normal People may have needed an intimacy coordinator, but the number of Barbours at Balmoral was the real phonographic content for me.

Turning my attention across the Channel, after the trainwreck that was Emily in Paris, I started watching a proper French show, Call My Agent! It’s truly delightful, and unlike the binge-worthy format of “ambient shows” I have been really relishing taking an hour each week to watch CMA, subtitles, cigarettes, and all.

Honorable mention: The Last Dance for its in-depth look at many notable former Chicago residents; High Fidelity for reminding me of the years in college when my brother and I would drive around listening to Beta Band; and Big Mouth.

Music

My Spotify wrapped this year was a bit odd. I don‘t think “Chromatica II into 911″ is technically a song, so it revealed other things about my listening habits this year, which turned out to remain very much stuck in the last, sonically. I listened to a lot more podcasts than new music this year, but there were some records that found their way into heavy rotation. While I listened to a lot of classics both old and new to write my thesis (Paul Simon, Leonard Cohen, Prokofiev, and Bach) the soundtrack to my coursework, runs, walks, and editing was more contemporary. Standouts include: 

• Saint Cloud by Waxahatchee, which makes me feel like I’m breathing fresh air even when I’m stuck inside all day 
• La Bella Vita by Niia, which was there for me when I walked past my ex on 7th avenue (twice!) and he pretended that I didn’t exist 
• Fetch the Bolt Cutters by THEE Fiona Apple, because Fiona, our social distancing queen, has always been my Talmud, her songs shimmering, evolving, and living with me every year 
• Shore by Fleet Foxes, for the long drive to the Catskills 
• Women in Music, Pt. III by HAIM, because these days, these days…

Musicians have been reckoning with tumult this year as much as the rest of us, and the industry has dealt with loss on all fronts. I’d be remiss not to talk about how the passing of John Prine brought his music into my life, and McCoy Tyner, who has been a companion through good and bad over the years. 

Honorable mention to: græ by Moses Sumney; The Main Thing by Real Estate; on the tender spot of every calloused moment by Ambrose Akinmusire; Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers; folklore by you know who; and songs by Adrianne Lenker. 

Reading

What would this overlong blob be without a list of the best things I read this year? While I left publishing temporarily, books, the news, and newsletters still took up a majority of my attention (duh and/or doomscrolling by any other name). I can’t be comprehensive, and frankly, there are already great roundups of the best longform this year out there, so this is mostly books and praising random writers. 

Last year I wrote about peak newsletter. Apparently, my prediction was a bit premature as this year saw an even bigger Substack Boom. But two new newsletters in particular have delighted me: Aminatou Sow’s Crème de la Crème and Hunter Harris’ Hung Up (her ”this one line” series is true force of chaotic good on Blue Ivy’s internet). Relatedly, Sow and Ann Friedman’s Big Friendship was gifted to me by a dear friend and another bff and I are going to read it in tandem next week. 

On the “Barack Obama published a 700+ page memoir, crippling the printing industry’s supply chains” front, grad school severely hamstrung my ability to read for pleasure, but I managed to get through almost 30 books this year, some old (Master and Margarita), most new-ish (Say Nothing, Nickel Boys). Four 2020 books in particular enthralled me:

• Uncanny Valley: Anna Wiener’s memoir has been buzzed about since n+1 published her essay of the same name in 2016. Her ability to see, clear-eyed, the industry for both its foibles and allure captured that era when the excess and solipsism of the Valley seemed more of a cultural quirk than the harbinger of societal schism.  
  
• Transcendent Kingdom: Yaa Gyasi’s novel about faith, family, loss, and–naturally–grad school was deeply empathetic, relatable, and moving. I think this was my favorite book of the year. Following the life of a Ghanaian family that settles in Alabama, it captured the kind of emotional ennui that comes from having one foot in the belief of childhood and one foot in the bewilderment that comes from losing faith in the aftermath of tragedy.  
• Vanishing Half:Similarly to Transcendent Kingdom, Brit Bennett’s novel about siblings who are separated; it’s also about the ways that colorism can be internalized and the ways chosen family can (and cannot) replace your real kin. It was a compassionate story that captured the pain of abuse and abandonment in two pages in a way that Hanya Yanagihara couldn’t do in 720.
• Dessert Person:Ok, so this is a cookbook, but it’s a good read, and the recipes are approachable and delicious. After all the BA Test Kitchen chaos this summer, it’s nice we didn’t have to cancel Claire. Make the thrice baked rye cookies!!!! You will thank me later.

Honorable mention goes to: Leave The World Behind for hitting the Severance/Station Eleven dystopian apocalypse novel sweet spot; Exciting Timesfor reminding me why I liked Sally Rooney; and Summerby Ali Smith, which wasn’t the strongest of the seasonal quartet, but was a series I enjoyed for two years.  

Podcasts

I’m saving my most enthusiastic section for last: ever since 2018, I’ve been listening to an embarrassing amount of podcasts. Moving into a studio apartment will do that to you, as will grad school, add a pandemic to that equation and there’s a lot of time to fill with what has sort of become white noise to me (or, in one case, nice white parents noise). In addition to the shows that I’ve written about before (Still Processing, Popcast, Who? Weekly, and Why is This Happening?), these are the shows I started listening to this year that fueled my parasocial fire:

• You’re Wrong About: If you like history, hate patriarchy, and are a millennial, you’ll love Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes’ deep dives into the most notable stories of the past few decades (think Enron and Princess Diana) and also some other cultural flashpoints that briefly but memorably shaped the national discourse (think Terri Schiavo, Elian González, and the Duke Lacrosse rape case).
• Home Cooking: This mini series started (and ended) during the pandemic. As someone who stress baked her way through the past nine months, Samin Nosrat and Hrishikesh Hirway’s show is filled with warmth, banter, and useful advice. Home Cooking has been a reassuring companion in the kitchen, and even though it will be a time capsule once we’re all vaccinated and close talking again, it’s still worth a listen for tips and inspiration while we’re hunkered down for the time being. 
• How Long Gone: I don’t really know how to explain this other than saying that media twitter broke my brain and enjoying Chris Black and Jason Stewart’s ridiculous banter is the price I pay for it.
• Blank Check: Blank Check is like the GBBO of podcasts–Griffin Newman and David Sims’ enthusiasm for and encyclopedic knowledge of film, combined with their hilarious guests and inevitable cultural tangents is always a welcome distraction. Exploring a different film from a director’s oeuvre each week over the course of months, the podcast delves into careers and creative decisions with the passion of completists who want to honor the filmmaking process even when the finished products end up falling short. The Nancy Meyers and Norah Ephron series were favorites because I’d seen most of the movies, but I also have been enjoying the Robert Zemeckis episodes they’re doing right now. The possibility of Soderbergh comes up often (The Big Picture just did a nice episode about/with him), and I’d love to hear them talk about his movies or Spike Lee (or, obviously, Martin Scorsese).      

Odds & Ends

If you’re still reading this, you’re a real one, so let’s get into the fun stuff. This was a horrible way to start a new decade, but at least we ended our long national nightmare. We got an excellent dumb twitter meme. I obviously made banana bread, got into home made nut butters, and baked an obscene amount of granola as I try to manifest a future where I own a Subaru Outback. Amanda Mull answered every question I had about Why [Insert Quarantine Trend] Happens. My brother started an organization that is working to eliminate food insecurity in LA. Discovering the Down Dog app allowed me to stay moderately sane, despite busting both of my knees in separate stupid falls on the criminally messed up sidewalks and streets of Philadelphia. I can’t stop burning these candles.Jim Carrey confused us all. We have a Jewish Second Gentleman! Grub Street Diets continued to spark joy. Dolly Parton remains America’s Sweetheart (and possible vaccine savior). And, last, but certainly not least: no one still knows how to pronounce X Æ A-12 Boucher-Musk.

gingerhaze:

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My NYE reflection post is usually a summary of the people I’ve fucked, the sexual discoveries I had, and the humorous and memorable dates I went on. Not so much this year.

I’m going to keep this year’s thoughts a bit shorter, but for my own sake, I want these memories and reflections recorded.

• My resolution for 2020 was to begin seeing a therapist again. And HOLY FUCK, I have never been more thankful for a new year’s resolution. 
• While many spent spring complaining about their roommates and families not giving them enough space, I was challenged with the opposite. The days were spent in the small walls of my apartment, endless isolation, and swallowing the fact that I was thousands of miles away from nearly everyone I loved. 
• There was a 4.5 month period where I did not seeanother person beyond the cashiers at the grocery store. I think that was the worst of it. 
• I’ve said it before, but 2020 was a year focused on survival for me. My sexuality took a backseat as I tried to figure out how to stop my anxiety from taking over my every thought. The only reason I took my box of sex toys out of the closet was to take photos for you fine folks. 
• L cared for me through the worst of it as best as he could. Grateful.
• L and I struggled. We continue to struggle. There is a border that separates us, and a global pandemic is an extraordinarily bad time to be in a multi-country LDR. So often I want to give up. 
• I made progress despite it all. I cut out a lot of toxic people. Stopped allowing people into my life as back-ups in case of failed love and loneliness. I learned to better control my anger. To think before I snap. I started to be content in my own presence. I made commitments to my decisions and followed through. 
• I made some pretty big life changes. Changes that give me a bit more hope for the future and for myself. There’s no quick fix to anxiety, depression.. or a global pandemic, but I feel a little less lost among the chaos than I did in May. 
• Forgiveness was the focal point of my year. Forgiving myself on the bad days, forgiving L when he hits his breaking points, and forgiving everyone I come across who is probably struggling as much as I am. 
• In conclusion:I was not sexually touched by another person for the entirety of 2020. File under things I did NOT think I’d be saying in my 20s, but YA KNOW WHAT? I ALSO DIDN’T THINK I’D BE LIVING THROUGH A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
  

I’m spending New Year’s alone, but I’ve gotten better at being alone this year. I hope you’re okay, getting fucked if you are lucky enough to have spent the year with a partner, eating good food, feeling the sunshine on your skin, and smiling at the small things. 

There were times this year that this blog and the people it connected me to gave me the comfort I was desperate for. Thank you for that. Sincerely.

For the love of god, I better get fucked in 2021. 

2012 went by much too fast. 

 I can still vividly remember sitting in my friend’s apartment in Amsterdam last December writing out my “2011: Year in Review,” and now I’m sitting here in Dallas, Texas thinking back on 2012. 
In lots of ways the years mirrored one another:  in both I visited more than 20 countries- travelling enough to circle the globe twice! (this year 50,000 miles - last year 45,000), I studied abroad for another semester, spent too short of a time with family, completed a project with Trail of Seeds, and all the while went to school. 

But the years were very different.  In 2011 I was becoming the person I want to be.  This year, I was being that person. 

So, without more introduction, my top 10 moments of 2012- in no particular order, but divided by personal and professional:

Personal:

1.      Hugging Serena- seeing my new niece

The newest addition to my family, my niece Serena, was born December 29^th, 2011.  Unfortunately, I was in Europe at the time, and wouldn’t get to see her until she was seven months old.   I had just taken over a day traveling to Texas from India, and though I was exhausted, all I could do was smile when I saw this beautiful little baby who I had thought of so often.  She didn’t fuss as I held her all the way out of the terminal and the next few days we spent a lot of time playing together.  Sadly, my moving around made it another five months before I saw her again, but as I write I’m watching her play with all the new toys she got from her 1^st birthday party, yesterday.

2.      I Giorni by Ludovico Einaudi- 1^st Piano Recital in 10 years

I come from a long line of musicians- there are photos of my great-great-grandfather playing in a quartet, my grandfather had a Masters degree in music at the age of 16, and another relative supposedly played in Sousa’s marching band.  That said, my generation has somewhat dropped the ball. I used to play the piano for a few years when I was much younger, but since then I’ve only dabbled with the keys.  This Fall however, I decided to take a two-credit course of private piano instruction.  I told the teacher that my favorite song was Ludovico Einaudi’s “I Giorni”, but that I assumed it would be too difficult to learn.  But when I got the sheet music out, I saw that though a challenge, it was possible.  So I  worked hard , every day for months, and when it came time for the recital, I did mess up once, but was incredibly happy sitting there, thinking of my grandfather, as I performed this beautiful song.

3.      Hangover 3- Spring Break in Bangkok

I’ve loved Spring Break.  I’ve spent my past few in New York, Mexico, Argentina, Antigua, the Bahamas, and celebrated my last with my best friend in Bangkok, Thailand.  To me, Spring Break is all about experiencing new places, basking in the glory of being young, and maybe doing one or two stupid things.  Well, Bangkok encapsulated all of that and more.  One night in particular, which we refer to only as Hangover 3 (because the movie, Hangover 2, took place in Bangkok), will forever go down as a night to remember but to never be discussed. 

4.      Lion, Snails, and Burger- Alex in New York

My parents and sister dropped me off my freshman year in 2009, but other than that, I haven’t had a long visit from family (my grandparents came once for lunch).  But this November, my sister, Alex, came to visit me for three days.  I decided to make it a trip to remember, so I surprised her with tickets to the Lion King and took her to a famous restaurant in New York known for their $32 hamburger that started a trend of luxury burgers in the City.  She also tried escargot, visited the office of the President of NYU, went for a night stroll in Central Park, and walked across the Brooklyn bridge.  It was so fun to show her where my life has been for the past few years and to share some of my favorite parts with her, and she enjoyed some time away from Texas, relaxing in the best city in the world.

5.      Ugly Sweater Party – seeing old friends in Indiana

It was 19 months between visits to my hometown of Evansville, Indiana, but when I returned and saw lots of old friends, it was as if I had never left.  It was great to catch up, hear all of the exciting things people are doing now, and to reminisce about old times while making new memories at the same time.  One night in particular, at an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party, I got to see a group of friends I used to spend every summer swimming and lifeguarding with.  At one point as we were all talking and laughing, I looked around and said, “I think I forgot how much you all are my family.”  It was a very nice feeling to see them again, but sad that it was only for one night.

6.      Dead to Red – running with friends

While studying abroad in Abu Dhabi I got the awesome opportunity to join a team race running 242km (131miles) in Jordan from the Dead Sea to the Red Sea.  It was a grueling 18 hour adventure that the ten runners and four staff completed in great moods and showing wonderful teamwork.  It was a beautiful course, through the deserts and down to the sea, and the team grew close through the challenge.  I especially got closer to two of my friends who I ended up completing a team triathlon with a couple months later.  It was definitely a moment of realizing the incredible things our bodies can do when we keep our heads up and maintain a smile.

Professional

7.      First exposure to consulting

I got really lucky in Abu Dhabi and through the kindness of one of my friend’s mother and the director who put trust in me, I was given an internship at a firm for the semester.  I had thought that consulting was something I wanted to do, but working there, with such a great team and on fascinating issues, I knew for sure it was my goal for after graduation.  Though it made my schedule crazy, working 30 hours a week, overloading on credits, and making new friends and being in a foreign city, I am so grateful for that experience and all that I learned.

8.      Dream internship

In last year’s review I wrote about meeting with and interviewing for my dream company- a consulting firm that focuses on economic development and social impact.  Well, this year, I interviewed a couple more times and ended up being offered a Summer position in India.  I spent 10 weeks working on incredible projects, with great co-workers, and again solidifying my desire to do management and strategy consulting full-time.  It was unbelievable to be in the office and on global-calls with the firm I had dreamt about for so long- and it gave me many new things to think about moving forward.

9.      Dream job

In consulting there is one firm that stands above the rest, and I’m fortunate enough to be joining it in a few months.   After weighing all my options from the two great firms I worked for in the past, I knew that this firm would best prepare me for the future and be the place where I can make the kind of impact that I most desire.  

10.  Trail of Seeds Rd. 2

In August I embarked on the second project for Trail of Seeds.  This time there was a team of seven students, five carefully though through workshops, and a nice grant giving us a good amount of fund to disburse to the community.  It was great to be with friends in a new location, doing work that we know is effective and beneficial, and watching the organization grow.  We did a few things wrong, but lots of things right, and going into the future, I think this experience will teach us a lot about how to be a better organization with a stronger impact.

Looking ahead:

With 2012 being so amazing, it might seem hard to live up to, but I know that 2013 will be my best year yet.  I’ve always told myself “every year will be better than the rest” and thus far I’ve done pretty good by that.  So, what isin store for 2013?  Well tomorrow Trail of Seeds’ third project will start in St. Kitts and Nevis, there will then be a spin-off of sorts with student who have learned our approach doing a project in South Dakota, and we are planning a project in Socotra, Yemen for next August, as well as workshops to teach more students about Culturally Sustainable Development and further our impact. After St. Kitts, I will spend seven weeks traveling through Southern Africa- being with a friend for the first month and then spending the last three weeks taking some time to myself, reflecting on where I’ve been and where I’m going, and preparing for the next steps in life.  I will then start my position in Abu Dhabi in March, and the next nine months will be full of traveling to client-sites, setting up a new life in the UAE, and improving on new things and mastering the old! 

I’m most excited about 2013 because I feel like it is the start of the third part of my life.  The first being growing up in Indiana until the age of 16, the second being the past six years at boarding school and university- traveling around the world, and now the third being out as an adult in this crazy world, making my own money, having my own home, and progressing into the future!

a weird year