This time last year, there was a persistent thought that visited me in the most random times of the day and stayed with me until late at night. It always stirred feelings of doubt, discomfort, and dissociation. No amount of self-help podcasts, hours upon hours of work, or essential oils could suppress it.
Facing it meant tearing down things I just started to build. Facing it meant spending more time in my head - which isn’t always a nice place to visit. Facing it meant admitting that I had cultivated a false sense of security and stability in the past months. And it wasn’t going to be pretty.
But for the first time in a long time, I let myself become vulnerable. It was a painful decision to make because I knew the risks and what I was inviting once again. True enough, there were moments of loss, anxiety, and anger but I learned that they were also necessary for me to gain clarity of mind. Grow through what you go through, as they say. I needed those moments to ultimately decide to leave my job, to become more involved in the world around me, to embrace my intense will for freedom and creativity, and to simply find my way back.
2019 was incredibly formative and I will always look back at it with fondness and gratitude. As of today, I am in the place of crossing the threshold between knowing and taking action, and all I can hope for is that I’ll have the courage and resilience to keep moving forward. :)
Some things that made the year extra special:
My undergraduate research won first place in a national competition! This eventually opened up opportunities for me to share my findings at an international conference and to some of the heads of the company I worked in.
Visited Bangkok, Thailand! I certainly miss taking my midnight strolls, getting lost in the city, trying all kinds of food, and immersing myself in their art and culture. This was the first time I was able to go around on my own in a different country, so I learned a whole bunch of things about myself along the journey. Tbh, a lot of things changed for me after this trip! (But that’s something I’ll talk about in another post, maybe)
I got promoted at work and loved the account I handled. Most of all, I loved working with the college kids and being there for them throughout their internship with the company. Even though things were always happening so quickly, those moments taught me to adapt, make good decisions and solutions, and hold on to my humanity.
Reconnected with art after months of being preoccupied with my day job. And I hope I won’t lose touch with it again because it really felt like a part of me was missing. :((
Fell in love with new music, movies, and TV shows. (Browse through my faves on SpotifyandTV Time!)
My art summary for 2021! Had some busier months than others. But all things considered, I’m so proud of the work I’ve made this year and my artistic growth.
Surprise, Tumblr’s 2016 Year in Review will be on Fandometrics
This year’s all-new rankings will be going up on @thefandometrics on December 5 (last year’s all-old rankings will stay right here on @yearinreview). Follow along, let the nostalgia roll in, reminisce, enjoy, mwah.
Wait, what’s that? You don’t want to wait a whole year to know what’s dominating the discourse on Tumblr? That’s what @thefandometrics is for. Follow it for new rankings every Monday, pithy writeups on Wednesdays, and the occasional special feature (like this one).
2019 is coming to a close, and you know what that means—time to review the year! This is our seventh stint, and we’re doing things a little differently this time around. The biggest change is in how we collect data: this year’s lists account for a full 365 days, from October 21st, 2018 through October 20th, 2019, meaning this is the first time we’re taking data from December into account. Welcome to Year in Review, December!
This year, you’ll be treated to 36 lists and five editorial posts that dive a little deeper into certain communities. We’ve expanded a few lists (hello, 100 K-pop stars!) and added some new ones (Movies, Anime, and TV characters!) for your viewing pleasure.
It’s all here, all December, all for you. Here’s to another year. For now, here is a master guide to this year’s posts:
I try to do an end of year post each NYE, and this year was a difficult one. That being said, here’s what made 2019 memorable for me.
(First of all, Tumblr did the NSFW ban in December 2018. So we fucking knew that 2019 was going to be a ROUGH for the sluts of the world. That’s called foreshadowing, kids.)
Started off my year strong by being ghosted by B, who I had completely and utterly fallen head over heels for over the course a year and a half. I had never been ghosted before, had rarely been heartbroken, and was completely hated myself for not being enough for him. I had no idea what to do… so I got on the apps and started dating.
Loosely “dated” a guy who 1) had seen many aliens, 2) was chased by the men in black, and 3) grew up in a haunted house. He had the best dick I’ve ever played with and therefore 1-3 could be forgiven… along with the rest of his insane existence apparently. Sucked his cock so well that he passed out.
Got very involved with a submissive partner. Spent a lot of time exploring the dominant side of my sexuality - fucked his butt, made him clean my home, played with prolonged indefinite chastity… and asked him to hold me while I cried. A lot. He helped me survive the worst of it.
Went on dates with two professional athletes. Really weren’t that great, but I’m stupidly proud of the fact.
Played with partners that didn’t deserve me because I wanted to feel loved, valued, and I desperately needed to feel dominated. However, as a shock to no one: random partners didn’t make me feel loved. D/s dynamics are not powerful with someone you don’t respect. I did not actually enjoy myself. At all.
Tried to convince myself to fall in love with my best friend who had been in love with me for 10 years because it was a safe option.
HAHAHA, met up with a guy from Tumblr for FRIENDSHIP REASONS. End up having the most insane sexual chemistry and he cheats on his girlfriend with me, tells me that he’s going to break up with her, I’m a fucking clown and believe him, I get super emotionally invested, and THEN HE CALLS ME AND IS LIKE LOL NEVER MIND I’M STAYING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. FUCK ME HAHAH.
To summarize up to this point: spent the first half of the year hating myself and questioning why I wasn’t enough for B. Tried to ignore those feelings by attempting to fill his void and being slutty
Met L. Everything changed.
Well, not everything. I continued to struggle with self loathing, doubt, and insecurity. I questioned everything L told me as we started to get to know each other. I assumed the worst in him, assigned him the role of the liar and manipulator. I told myself that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again… I’d be a stupid, stupid girl if I refused to learn from B.
And through my anger, accusations, and massive emotional breakdowns… L stayed. He listened. He comforted. He supported. He relentlessly assured me that I’m not crazy. He helped me understand that I wasn’t at fault. He reminded me that I’m worthy of so much love.
And then I fucking fell for him.
And I kind of got a bit boring lol. Less slut time, more healing time. With L’s encouragement, I’m taking time to address the pain I’m feeling and how to work through it, versus ignoring it and trying to fuck my way forward.
I found a partner, a lover, a (sane) Dom, and a best friend. I am fulfilled every single day as an entire human being - he embraces my power as a woman, laughs at (most) of my dumb jokes, encourages me be daring enough to create a life I love, and cherishes my submissive surrender.
He also objectifies and degrades me so perfectly. IT IS EXREMELY HOT.
Also I bought a ton of new sex toys and lingerie.
In conclusion: 2019 was bumpy and weird. But, I think we say that at the end of every year. Growth. That’s the important thing. As long as I grow each year, I can look back on the last 365 and be thankful.
Thanks for continuing on this journey with me. The number of you who read my many, many thoughts and feelings each day will always astound me.
As I start to feel confident again, I’m hoping that 2020 will be filled with healthy naked time, many more almost nude photos (fuck you tumblr), excessive lingerie, and so much time being covered in cum. I hope you stick around for the next 365.
It’s that time again - the last day of the year and the day I post my thoughts for the year past. Honestly, I didn’t know how to approach this post for 2021 and I still don’t. But here’s my best shot.
It seems to be a popular opinion, but 2021 felt like an extension of 2020 and 2020 sucked lol. 2021 was a hard year for me. Like, really fucking hard.
Hard in ways I hadn’t experienced before. My motivation left me, my inspiration ran dry, and I think posted about 4 new photos of myself all year. The will to make beautiful things disappeared. The ability to see the world as a beautiful place… I struggled.
I made some huge changes to my life in 2020 and convinced myself those changes would ease my sadness and the perpetual tightness in my chest from anxiety. But, I don’t think it was enough.
A friend told me that it felt like I disappeared this year. I agreed.
Then on Halloween, it got really really bad. And I finally started medication for depression and anxiety. And I want to normalize the fuck out of that decision because it’s been two months and I already feel.
I am feeling again.
After 11 months of bad, I made the last month of the year wonderful. I celebrated, loved myself, felt beautiful, smiled and laughed so much I made my throat sore. And I promise the tests said it wasn’t omicron. I ate good food, hugged my family, overflowed with love, and looked out my window at the world and was glad to be a part of it.
2021 decided to test me one more time and this past week has been a toughie due to some uncontrollable circumstances. And I didn’t have a panic attack. I didn’t fall apart. I managed, I felt empowered… and I was helped by the people surrounding me. And I realized even if I’m lonely sometimes, I’m not really alone. Ever.
So, shout out to all of you. When things were bad this year, you reminded me that I wasn’t alone. You embraced me at the worst even when I hadn’t yet realized I was unraveling. Thank you.
Things are looking up. The light in me in coming back. Slowly, but I know it’s there.
And so, as we go into 2022, here are some parting thoughts…
May we blow minds every time we blow cock.
Extra laundry is worth the effort when the mess is so delicious.
Invest in a Lovense.
Fingers in mouths are usually more fun than fingers in pussies. Don’t @ me.
When in doubt, naked is better.
Love fiercely. Every day.
Savor the sunrise each morning, but learn to find peace in the endless possibility of the night.
Love you all. Here’s to another year with all of you by my side. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
At the beginning of the year I didn’t have a tumblr, and now I have it back. I wonder how long it lasts or if everyone even comes back.
The year and decade is almost over, so it’s time to do a look back at some of my favorite works from each month. I’d say this year was probably my more experimental and I’m looking forward to what I’ll be doing in 2020.
I saw a lot of people doing this and decided to check mine out!
This year was great for my Tumblr art page!! gained 500+ followers and this motivated me a lot to keep drawing stuff :D Also almost all my fav fandoms are here, nice :d
not a stellar year for art on the whole, but had some great stretches of seeing pals and doing things with them! four things:
- fish pix - art for friends! - made a picrew - critters! (technically dec 2020…)
i had a fun time doing non-illustration stuff (a TTRPG, aforementioned picrew, stickers, etc) but i do miss illo & comics haha, will have to try and get back into it next year!
four things i did this year, presented as a 12-panel grid for consistency of form:
- meander! to date my longest comic–still pretty proud of this one! - bunch of objects, facilitating a backslide into “shading things” - places zine v2 - handful of 1-page comics for increasingly obscure fandoms
one thing i’m gonna do next year: what if instead of trying to draw people i just tried to get better at clothing/drapery
If you ask me to describe 2021 ten years from now, I’ll probably respond that it was a strange and blurry year. People love to talk about liminal spaces these days, and this year was a liminal space. It was the emotional equivalent of going to the beach that makes you old.
January was pretty much a nightmare for everyone, and February to May felt like a slog. Then I started a new job, returned to the pottery studio, and somehow, I looked up and it was Thanksgiving. I’ve felt like this is not really a year I want to reflect upon much, probably due to both fatigue and self-preservation. In some ways it was tougher than 2020, but a few pieces of culture made it more tolerable, and I want to share those:
TV
Remember whenHBO crashed because we all tried to watch Mare of Easttown? Honestly, the only TV that mattered to me this year was Succession season 3, and while it did not bring us an iconic Boar on the Floor scene, we did get Tom explaining Nero’s relationship with Sporus to Greg. We are not worthy of Matthew MacFadyen.
Also, Sex and the City is back and it’s like the tasti d-lite version of itself, but I will be watching all of it, lol.
Reading
I managed to read more books in ‘21 than last, a minor victory! I started the year leaning heavily on my hometown library, and then mid-year I finally became a BPL patron! I read mostly fiction this year, but my favorites were three nonfiction releases:
Notable mention for the new Sally Rooney, who I hope can just write novels from now on without all the crazy hype (I hated that ending, though); Cool for America by my neighbor Andrew Martin; and Our Country Friends by Shteyngart for capturing a bit of the early pandemic agita in a readable way.
Podcasts
If 2021 was just 2020 but with vaccine, then it tracks that I basically only stayed sane by listening to the same podcasts that kept me afloat the year before. Grateful for David Sims, Emily Peck, and Jason Stewart aka Them Jeans. In fact, I even saw Who? Weekly live! I still don’t know who Bella Thorne is. Crunch crunch.
Odds & Ends
I’m leaving out movies and music this year even though I consumed a fair bit of both. I did a lot of back catalog action and didn’t watch or listen to too many new releases (though I will state for the record that Matrix Resurrections hits the metatextual notes in a way And Just Like That… wishes it could). I finally saw American Utopia on stage, which was fantastic, and hearing Once in A Lifetime performed live was practically a religious experience for me. I debated going bankrupt for a vintage Amadeus t-shirt at the A24 auction ($380?!). I continued to spend time in Upstate New York and Western Mass, which has brought me a lot of joy. I baked a delicious Tarte Tatin, made impeccable custard for our Christmas pud, and had a fantastic dinner at Gramercy Tavern where there was a dude who was so blotto before 7 pm the maitre’d asked him to leave–New York is back, baby! I also recently bought a Le Creuset and am excited to start using it more now that we’re deep into risotto season.
I’m sure if I were being more thoughtful and/or earnest I’d have something more poetic or insightful to say, but that’s what twelve months of working from home does to a person. Curious to see what 2022 brings; I remain susceptible to optimism despite the lessons of lived experience. Twitter remains a deranged place that makes me laugh until I cry, at least (who can forget Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend’s balls). May we all find something resembling serenity if only briefly, and remember: it’s a choice to log off!
