#sad girl hours
My NYE reflection post is usually a summary of the people I’ve fucked, the sexual discoveries I had, and the humorous and memorable dates I went on. Not so much this year.
I’m going to keep this year’s thoughts a bit shorter, but for my own sake, I want these memories and reflections recorded.
- My resolution for 2020 was to begin seeing a therapist again. And HOLY FUCK, I have never been more thankful for a new year’s resolution.
- While many spent spring complaining about their roommates and families not giving them enough space, I was challenged with the opposite. The days were spent in the small walls of my apartment, endless isolation, and swallowing the fact that I was thousands of miles away from nearly everyone I loved.
- There was a 4.5 month period where I did not seeanother person beyond the cashiers at the grocery store. I think that was the worst of it.
- I’ve said it before, but 2020 was a year focused on survival for me. My sexuality took a backseat as I tried to figure out how to stop my anxiety from taking over my every thought. The only reason I took my box of sex toys out of the closet was to take photos for you fine folks.
- L cared for me through the worst of it as best as he could. Grateful.
- L and I struggled. We continue to struggle. There is a border that separates us, and a global pandemic is an extraordinarily bad time to be in a multi-country LDR. So often I want to give up.
- I made progress despite it all. I cut out a lot of toxic people. Stopped allowing people into my life as back-ups in case of failed love and loneliness. I learned to better control my anger. To think before I snap. I started to be content in my own presence. I made commitments to my decisions and followed through.
- I made some pretty big life changes. Changes that give me a bit more hope for the future and for myself. There’s no quick fix to anxiety, depression.. or a global pandemic, but I feel a little less lost among the chaos than I did in May.
- Forgiveness was the focal point of my year. Forgiving myself on the bad days, forgiving L when he hits his breaking points, and forgiving everyone I come across who is probably struggling as much as I am.
- In conclusion:I was not sexually touched by another person for the entirety of 2020. File under things I did NOT think I’d be saying in my 20s, but YA KNOW WHAT? I ALSO DIDN’T THINK I’D BE LIVING THROUGH A GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
I’m spending New Year’s alone, but I’ve gotten better at being alone this year. I hope you’re okay, getting fucked if you are lucky enough to have spent the year with a partner, eating good food, feeling the sunshine on your skin, and smiling at the small things.
There were times this year that this blog and the people it connected me to gave me the comfort I was desperate for. Thank you for that. Sincerely.
For the love of god, I better get fucked in 2021.
I realize I have been too alone for too long. One of my very few friends showed disappointment in a mistake I made and I instantly went into goddamn panic mode. Now I’m about to breakdown. This is the worst. I am the worst. I hate this so damn much.
god dammit i miss her so fucking much.
wild women don’t get the blues, but I find that lately I’ve been crying like a tall child
I would do anything to go back in time and hold onto the moments when we were happy.
-happiness has a time limit for me and my time has run out
Cruel universe; I’ll never be worthy of you.
Perhaps one day I’d tell you what it was like to love you in secret for all those years. Perhaps one day you’d tell me you’ve always felt the same.
-or perhaps not
when you gotta do zoom meetings then work for a few hours and clean the house and do groceries and draw commissions and work on the webtoon and code and and and…
feeling like you have no one is truly the worst feeling
On a scale of one to Plath, I’m like a four.
My head’s not in the oven but I can’t get off the floor.
i miss giving head tbh
