#actuallylonely

“These scars long have yearned for your tender caress”

My self-harmer ass:

Things that make me feel loved 

( ) Friends 

( ) Family 

( ) Significant other 

(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) Ola Gjeilo’s music

I honestly just wish I could erase my existence from people’s minds

I hate remembering that people, like, have thoughts and opinions and judgements about me and/or my actions

Can they just

Like

Not

Offline “friends” are only disappointments after disappointments

Aleksander caressing Regina’s scars before saying with a smile that he loved her fucked me up 

Can my friends *start* conversations with me

What do I have to do to be loved

What do I have to do to make my friends like me as more than “the amusing little childish kid” they like to hang out with sometimes

What do I have to do to make my ex-abuser hear me, to make anyone hear me

What do I have to do to make it acceptable for me to randomly message someone at a friday night and say I’m sad and lonely 

What do I have to do for people be emotionally connected to me, to write me sentimental stuff about how much I mean to them

What do I have to do to get some love

That moment when I feel lonely af and I want to talk to someone about anything at all but getting to them and going like “hey i’m lonely can i talk to you” but then everybody has a billion things to do and I have no right to take away any time from them so I’ll just continue feeling lonely yay

Not to be whiny but the fact that I’m 23 years old and a virgin and the only one in my group of friends who have never had a romantic relationship fucks and no amount of “single power!!!!!!!!” is going to reduce that