#actuallymentallyill

thatocdfeel:

(With descriptions from the Play Store)

• STOPP *
  Use this app  if you want to start to stop the vicious cycles of depression and anxiety, and other negative and repetitive behaviours. 
  
• eQuoo
  A choose-your-own-adventure game that increases your emotional fitness and teaches you new psychological skills, helping you level up in real life.
• Calm Harm
  Calm Harm provides tasks to help you resist or manage the urge to self-harm. Get started by setting your password so that it’s completely private.
  You can personalise it if you wish, by choosing the background colour theme and deciding on whether you would like some company using a variety of friendly characters.
  
• Alarmy - the world’s most annoying alarm *
  With Alarmy you can wake up to five different missions. Different snooze options help you wake up slowly and gradually. No more oversleep, wake up easily, and be refreshed with various alarm ringtones and stylish clocks. Made by heavy sleepers for heavy sleepers.
  
• Habitica *
  Treat your life like a game to stay motivated and organized! Habitica makes it simple to have fun while accomplishing goals. An RPG style app that helps you get into good habits, break bad ones and accomplish tasks to gain XP.
  
• Stay Focused - App Block & Website Block
  A Self Control, Productivity and App Usage tracker app.
• Smiling Mind
  Smiling Mind is a unique web and app-based program developed by psychologists and educators to help bring balance to people’s lives.
  

Apps with * by the name have been tried by me, others I have found recommended by various sources. These should all come free, but you can check specific details in the app store of your choice. Please note the links are for Google Play users, but I believe these are all available also on the App store!

If you can recommend any app you found particularly helpful for yourself, please feel free to do so in a reblog. :)

I downloaded Habitica… let’s see if it works

aspergersissues:

OCD has you doing the weirdest things. I have this contamination obsession with certain words. There are certain ordinary, everyday words that are Bad and Unclean and I cannot say, write, or even think them. One of those words is a synonym for scent, so my friend was asking me what my favorite scent was but she used the Unclean word. I wasn’t confident that I could dance my way around the word while still keeping the conversation going so I just… lied to her and said my nose didn’t work properly. I had to live in this lie for a while where I had to keep pretending that I didn’t have that sense. It came up more often than you’d think. Just a really weird thing to do, like what even was that? And I still have that obsession so I’m more than willing to do that again if necessary.

I feel so hopeless. My life has been the same all through my teen, twenties, and now going into my 30s. I’ve accomplished nothing. I have none of the skills I’ve always wanted and would’ve been good at by now if someone had just broken me out of this rut way back when I was a kid.

I want to go back and fix everything but I can’t, and that destroys me.

I dated a guitar teacher for 5 years and still never learned. If he had been someone less horrible, that would’ve actually worked out. I’ve wanted to play since I was 13. If I’d stuck with lessons, I’d have been playing for 10 by years now. I should’ve started playing 6 years ago when I ended up with a really good guitar by accident. Why didn’t I? I still have that guitar so why won’t I learn to play? That was the plan for when I moved.

I’ve wanted to sing my whole life, but I still haven’t. I’ve wanted to play piano, but still nothing.

I used to write poetry, but now I can’t.

I still want to go to school, but I just can’t get myself through the whole process to get started. I feel so fucking overwhelmed by everything.

Why do I just do nothing every day? Why am I letting myself fall even further behind? Why can’t I get control over anything in my life?

I was saying all of this this time last year and yet I’m still here. Nothing’s changed. Therapy did nothing but make me feel worse about it. I’d kill for someone to come along and just help me start things, but that’s not going to happen.

My whole life is slipping away and I feel helpless.

I’m thinking that maybe Adderall could be to blame for me ending up messed up and in what is basically a mixed episode.

I was doing fine with it for a few days, then my period started/I started the pill. I thought it could’ve been the Adderall because I was taking it while on less Lamictal than I was on before, but so many other things happened all at once, and my hormones have been fucked up for months, I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.

But I’m putting the pill on hold for a while anyway. I’ve only been off hormonal birth control for about 3 months after being on it for 5 years, and I’d like to see if my skin will clear itself up and if everything else goes back to normal on its own.

Plus the side effects of hormonal birth control are a little much.

I know that the way I’m feeling right now is just happening because my period is about to start. I know this because I track my moods every day and, after getting back on my meds at the start of the month, I’d been feeling so much better. I’ve only started slipping as I started getting closer to the monthly bullshit.

I know everything is gonna go back to normal soon. I should keep that in mind, but holy fuck does it suck.

My mood is a lot better and I actually feel like a person again. I even left my room and spoke to actual humans last night.

Lesson learned: take your fucking meds.

i push you away when i need you the most

Pros of weaning off some of my meds:

• Spending less money ✅
• Feeling Progress in Recovery ✅

Cons of weaning off some of my meds:

• It’s almost 5am I’ve been trying to sleep for 3 hours but one of my meds I’m no longer taking used to make me sleep in 30 minutes and it seems I’ll need to get used tl falling sleep without them ❌

I’ve been clean for almost two years but the fact that I hit 25 years of age and am still a virgin makes me feel an urge to cut myself again

Well here’s to the bonding-over-self-harm-issues pub session with Alexi Laiho (from Children Of Bodom) I’ll never have now

So I haven’t counted the days I haven’t self-harmed because I don’t remember the last day I did it, but a couple weeks ago I found my blades rusted all over after several months without seeing them and now I’ve thrown them and my lighter away

Can anyone congratulate me pls

Pedicure: wow, you really have a high tolerance for pain, don’t ya!

My self-harmer ass:

“These scars long have yearned for your tender caress”

My self-harmer ass:

Things that make me feel loved 

( ) Friends 

( ) Family 

( ) Significant other 

(xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx) Ola Gjeilo’s music

I honestly just wish I could erase my existence from people’s minds

I hate remembering that people, like, have thoughts and opinions and judgements about me and/or my actions

Can they just

Like

Not

Tell me to “ask you” for your attention again. Tell me.

Offline “friends” are only disappointments after disappointments

So I’m reading a scientific paper about neurobiological developmental psychology of Borderline Personality Disorder and it talks about the Social Baseline Theory according to which we (as in every human, not just us with BPD) NEED other people for co-regulation of emotions and feelings because when someone must be completely self-reliant and can’t count on anyone else it overwhelms their brain regions related to emotional and interpersonal regulation and such depletion can be a risk factor for BPD, and the thing with non-BPD folk is that they know they can trust others and be safe with them and that by itself helps them regulate their emotions even when said others aren’t with them at the time

So honestly fuck each and every one who keeps preaching about how the only person we can trust is ourselves and how we’re supposed to be okay on our own and that wanting to be able to count on others is “needy”, “clingy”, “no one even has that”, as if pushing us into further interiorization and isolation is actually going to help instead of making things worse

(the paper)