#alexandra taylor
No. 30 - DIGGING YOUR GRAVE
major character death | left for dead | ghosts
Blood. There was blood everywhere. Fao had never seen so much in his whole life. It covered his gloved hands, soaked into his combats, blurring the desert khaki.
The smell of it haunted him, filled his nose and choked him. The coppery, metallic scent. It had never bothered him, but it did now. He looked up at her, and the blood was matted into her blonde hair, staining the precious gold a dark crimson.
He fought to save her, speaking in soothing Gaelic to the woman he loved as he barked orders to the men and women around him.
She stirred, green eyes flickering open.
“F-Fao… A-am I gonna b-be okay?”
It broke his heart, to see her scared. Alex was never scared.
“Yeah sweetie, you’re gonna be just fine. You’re gonna go home and we’re gonna buy that big house you always wanted and I’m gonna marry you. Promise. I’ll let you pick the ring yourself.“
There was nothing he could do, as her eyes shut and her heartbeat stuttered and faded to asystole. He cried out, then, starting CPR even though he knew she was a lost cause.
“Let her go, Fao.” Someone called, though Fao didn’t know who. He couldn’t let go, couldn’t watch her fade away.
“No! I can’t!” He cried. He didn’t even know how long it had been. He kept up with the CPR, struggling. His shoulders ached and his hair was in his face- he needed a haircut. He wiped his bloody hands on his trousers and tried again. He kept going, though Alex’s lips were parted and chapped and there was a trickle of crimson over the dry chapped skin.
He felt strong arms on his shoulders, pulling him away from her. He fought it, but they dragged him away. He fought and he cried and he clawed at them, but still they dragged him away.
They let him into his tent, and left him crying on his camp bed, covered in his girlfriend’s blood. He staggered to the showers, stripped off his combats and stood under the lukewarm water, trying to scrub the blood off. He was crying, sobbing as he tried to get it all off. It clung to him, the smell still choking him. He gagged and then was sick, doubled over under the water. When he was done, he shut off the water, changed into something to sleep in and curled up on his camp bed. His commanding officer came in after a while, and told him that he was on leave effective immediately. They’d send him home as soon as they could, so he could make arrangements for her funeral.
He said he’d deliver the news to Alex’s parents himself. It had to be him, in person.
He couldn’t sleep, after that. Whichever way he laid just felt wrong, so in the end he gave up. He dressed, padded outside, and sat staring up at the stars with a cigarette.
He knew he wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep. He wasn’t sure how long he sat there for, long enough that the cold seeped into his bones. He’d forgotten how cold the desert got at night.
Eventually he found his phone, and managed to get his fingers to cooperate enough to call Sheila.
He held his breath as the phone rang, waiting for her to pick up. He knew it was late for them too, she’d likely be asleep. But he needed his mum. He needed her now more than ever.
Sheila answered, half asleep but panicking as she saw it was Fao. "Hello?”
“Mumaí…”
She sat up immediately, something in his tone sending dread through her. “What’s happened, sweetheart? I’m here.”
He was quiet for a minute, trying to find the words to tell her. She was just as much Sheila’s daughter as she was Fao’s other half. He sniffed, taking a deep breath.
“It’s ‘Lex.”
She let out a quiet gasp. “Fao.”
“She’s…”
He didn’t have to say it. She could already tell. “I’m so sorry, Fao.”
His voice cracked. “She’s gone.”
“Oh, sweetheart.”
He couldn’t help but start to cry again, sobs wracking his body. “She’s gone, Mumaí. Gone.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She was stuck, and gently shook Fred awake. “I’m right here.”
“‘m comin’ home.” He said softly. “Soon.”
“Of course, you’ve got to. We’ll be here, you can stay with us.”
Fred squinted at her. “What’s wrong?”
“Alex.”
“Need to… Need to tell her parents.” He managed to get out.
“Do you want to call them now?”
“No. Gonna… Gonna go see them. ‘ave to tell them in person.”
“Of course.”
He took a shaky breath, trying to pull himself together. “I miss her already.”
Sheila curled into Fred. “I know.”
“I don’t know how to…”
“Just hold on. For us. For Alex. She’d want you to.”
“Be home soon.” He said, and paused. “Zeus!” Alex’s dog would be so confused.
“He’ll have you. You’ll be okay. You both will.”
He stayed on the phone with her for a long time, mostly just sat sniffling in silence. But it was nice to know she was there, to hear her soothing him every so often.
Soon they sorted getting him back to England, and the plane journey home was agony. Even more so, knowing Alex’s body was in the hold beneath him.
He spent the whole trip curled up in his seat, trying to read but instead just staring blankly at his book. Once they landed, he dragged himself through the airport and into the coach that would take him home. To the flat he’d shared with Alex. Her stuff was everywhere, strewn across the bedroom haphazardly, as they’d packed to go away.
Unbidden, he started to cry.
He sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed. After a while, he couldn’t cry anymore, and he got up, sniffling as he tidied all of Alex’s things. Once he was done, he had a shower, smoked a cigarette and went to bed. He didn’t want to move, but he owed it to Rob, and to Helen.
It was painful to tell them, but it needed to be done. He felt better for saying it, too. Glad knowing it had been him to break the news to them, not some faceless officer they didn’t know. And they comforted him too. Helen hugged him and told him he’d always be a part of their family.
Back at home, he stripped off his dress uniform, pulled on some pyjamas and crawled into bed. He didn’t move for a week, save to go to the bathroom and to eat. Not that he ate much. Plain slices of bread, mostly. He smoked in bed, too, even though he knew he shouldn’t. Without her, there was no meaning to his life. It was an echo of those days after Finn’s accident, the complete loss of everything. The numbness, the apathy. It was like nothing in the world existed.
Sheila had tried to call in on him every day, but she was pushed away. Fred, too, was ignored, and Finn had been in no fit state to leave the house. Fred eventually convinced Sheila to give their eldest some space, but only after Fao had promised that he wouldn’t do anything stupid. They trusted him, and knew he had to grieve, one way or another. There was no right or wrong way, and Sheila wasn’t going to force him.
After a painful week, Fao heard a key in his door, then the creak of the hinges as it opened.
“Fao?” Came a voice, calling out into the dark flat. It was Tom, he thought. He rolled onto his front, not in the mood to talk to them. He heard his bedroom door open, but he still didn’t move. That was when he felt a warm hand on his shoulder, and he finally rolled over onto his back.
“Fuck off.”
“Fao.” That wasn’t Tom. It was Jake. He blinked open his eyes, and they were all there. Connor, Matt, Jake and Tom. The whole squad, except for Alex.
“We thought you’d need a hand. Sheila said she’d not heard from you in too long. We’re here, and we want to plan the funeral. With you.” Connor said, sitting on the edge of the bed.
“Yeah, so go and have a shower, and we’ll make you tea, then we’re going to sort this. All of us.” Matt told him, pulling the duvet back.
Fao didn’t have a choice. He dragged himself out of bed and into the shower, hissing as the hot water ran over the raised red scabs covering his forearms and thighs. He felt mildly better after he’d showered, and all of them headed to meet. Alex’s parents, Sheila too (Fred was at home, and whilst Sheila didn’t tell him why, Fao knew it was because of Finn), Alex’s brother, the rest of the squad.
They planned the funeral, piece by painful piece, and before Fao knew it, the day loomed.
The day before, he’d had his hair cut, and that morning he showered and shaved before pulling on his dress uniform, determined to make sure everything was perfect. The five of them in the squad, and Alex’s brother - an officer in the Air Force, carried the coffin into the church. They’d elected to keep it quite small, with only a few friends and close family. The coffin felt infinitely heavy. He couldn’t stop the tears that rolled down his cheeks as he strode down the aisle of the little church, silently crying. He could hear the rest of his squad and Mark too, sniffing to themselves as they set the coffin down, saluted and then turned away, taking their seats. Fao sat with the family, surrounded by people he knew so well.
He surprised himself by getting through the eulogy he’d written, his voice only cracking and faltering on him once. He was glad he managed, glad he was able to give his girlfriend the send off she deserved.
He went back to Fred and Sheila’s afterwards, Fred bundling him in the car and saying something about it being too late to drive back to Birmingham. Zeus was already staying with them for now, an extra couple of days wouldn’t make any difference at all. They knew he needed his space, they had to at least try and trust him. The current state of Finn’s physical and mental health wouldn’t make things any easier, but they could have one night.
He sat on the back step of the house and smoked, lost track of how many he’d had. He needed the isolation, the distance from the rest of the family. It was well and truly dark, but as he sat out back he saw a fox trot through the garden, looking skinny but unafraid. It made him smile, despite everything, and he thought perhaps there was a piece of Alex still looking out for him. Looking out for all of them.
No. 21 - THAT’S WHERE THE BLOOD’S SUPPOSED TO BE
bleeding through the bandages | pressure | blood-matted hair
It had been a rare evening Sheila and Fred had to themselves, making the most of it and heading out for drinks. Fao had been more than happy to babysit Finn, though Finn argued that at sixteen he didn’t need babysitting.
They were both rather drunk when they returned home, the taxi driver all too happy to drop them off.
While Sheila headed upstairs to get changed, Fred nipped outside for a smoke to settle his stomach. He was better than when he first met Sheila, but he’d never say no to a quick break.
Fao was on the phone to Alex when his parents got in, and he could tell Sheila was drunk from the way she laughed as she got in.
“Hang on a sec, ‘Lex.” He said, and stuck his head out of his bedroom. “Good time?” He called, amusedly.
“Oh, shush you.”
“I’m not holding your hair back when you puke your guts up later.”
“I’m not you.”
“Hey! I’m good!” He protested, but let her get on, returning to his girlfriend on the phone.
Sheila rolled her eyes (a bad decision considering how the room already span) and headed in to get changed. Fred wouldn’t be too long, she was sure, so she had to hurry to grab a shower before he decided to hog it all.
Now Fred and Sheila were home, Fao headed downstairs and outside for a smoke before bed, after saying goodnight to Alex. He was unsurprised to find Fred out there already, and grinned at him as he lit his cigarette.
“Enjoyed yourself?”
Fred hummed. “Was nice to have some time out.”
“I bet.”
“She got a bit tipsy.”
“So did you by the looks of it.”
“I’m completely fine.”
“Yeah?”
“Could walk in a straight line, all that bullshit.”
“Mmhmm. Sure, sure.”
“Wanna see?”
“Nah, I believe you. Probably best not to go wandering into the pitch black garden.”
“I’ve only fallen once while gardening.” Fred said confidently.
“Let’s keep it that way, not tempt fate.”
“Sure, sure.” He lit another cigarette. “Keep fate where it is.”
“She will kill you if she catches you chain-smoking.”
“I’ve had two. That’s not a chain.”
“Might as well be.”
“It’s not a chain.”
“Sure.”
Content he’d won his argument, Fred settled back into silence, enjoying his smoke. After a while, he stumped the end out, leaving it on the side.
“I’m getting a tea. Want one?”
“How about I make one, you just sit and chill.”
He hummed. He wasn’t going to pass up on Fao doing the hard work. “Sounds good.”
“Then the sober person is in control of the hot water.”
Fred huffed at him. “Yeah, whatever.”
Fao finished his cigarette and headed inside, filling the kettle and flicking it on. He didn’t exactly trust Fred.
Fred had just sat down to relax when there was an almighty thud from upstairs. He jumped to his feet, swaying as he tried to balance himself.
“Finn? Was that you?”
Fao frowned. “Didn’t sound like Finn… Finn?! Mum?!” After no response, he turned to Fred. “Stay put, I’ll go and see what’s going on.”
Finn met Fao at the top of the stairs, half asleep and very confused. “What’s going on?”
“Oh, it wasn’t you.” Fao said, glancing at Finn. “Heard a thud.”
“Yeah, me too.” Finn frowned, worry creeping in. “Mum?”
“She’s pissed as anything.” Fao told him, pushing the bedroom door open. “Mum? You okay?”
“No.” She admitted dramatically, sat on the ensuite bathroom’s floor, her head in her hands. “No.”
Fao rushed in. “What’s wrong, what’s happened?”
“I slipped.” She said with a sigh, before smirking. “I went splat.”
There was blood on the edge of the sink, and a significant amount on Sheila’s top, too. Sighing, Fao crouched in front of her. “Yeah, looks like you did. Here, let me have a look at you, hmm?”
“Oh I’m fine.” She brushed him off.
“Mum, you’re bleeding. Let me look.”
“I am. I slipped.” She raised her hands, covered in blood, to her face as she tried to wipe the blood dripping down it. “I’m bleeding.”
“Do we need an ambulance?” Finn asked, slightly panicked.
Fao glanced up. “We’ll need to go in regardless. Probably best to call one?”
“No, no. I’m fine.” Sheila insisted trying to stand up.
“Hey, hey. Wait. You’ve probably given yourself a pretty solid concussion. Don’t want you standing up too quickly and falling over again, eh?”
“I’m not Finn.” She said confidently. “I just slipped.”
“At the very least you’re going to need stitches and a scan.”
“Oh no.”
“Might as well go in an ambulance, rather than getting blood in my car, hmm?” Fao said, twisting to look at his brother. “Can you grab the first aid kit?”
Finn disappeared into the main bathroom to grab it. There were a few left around the house, and were always in reach.
“Here.”
“Thanks.” Fao said, taking it from him. “I just want to try and stop this bleeding a bit…”
“Ow!” Even drunk, she felt it as Fao pressed against her head. “Excuse me?”
“Yeah, I know it hurts. But I need to do it, yeah? Stop you bleeding so much.”
“No. It hurts. Please stop.”
“Sorry Mum, it needs doing.” Fao said gently. “Try some deep breaths.”
“No, get off.” She pulled away. “I’m fine.”
“I know, I know.”
“Fao, I’m fine. Get off.” The evening’s earlier merriment had quickly disintegrated.
“Mum, you’re fucking bleeding.”
“Iknow.”
“So let me help you?”
“Do you have to ?”
“Do you want to bleed everywhere?”
“No.”
“In that case, I’ve gotta help you.”
“Is it bad?”
“It’s gonna need stitches.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“Who’s the doctor here, eh?”
“Does it really need stitches?” The bandage done, she shuffled away from Fao, trying to get up.
“It does, yeah.”
“Fred can drive me.” She turned to face Fao, and finally stood. “I’m fine.”
“He’s drunk too, Mum.” Fao said gently. “Just wait for the ambulance.”
“You called an ambulance?” She sighed heavily, looking at Fred standing behind Finn. “And you let them?”
“Finn’s very persuasive.” He defended.
“Better they come and give us a hand, eh?”
Sheila made her way past Finn, scowling at the pair. “I didn’t need an ambulance.”
“Mum, sit down for me, yeah?”
“They can’t see me like this!”
“They’ve seen much worse.” Fao said drily. “They see Finn all the time.”
“Hey!”
“I don’t care. I need to get changed. Out.”
“I don’t want to leave you. Let me help you?”
Her expression twisted into disgust. “No.”
“I’m not that bad!”
“I don’t need your help!”
“It’ll be quicker if we help you.”
“No.” She crossed her arms, not unlike Finn. “No.”
“Come on, Mum.”
“Fao, I’ve said no.”
“What do you want to get changed into? What’s wrong with what you’re wearing?”
“It’s covered in blood!”
“They won’t care, we’ll just bring you some fresh stuff for when you get to the hospital.”
Frustrated tears sprung to her eyes. “Just let me change!”
“Alright, alright. Let me get you some stuff out, then.”
“Thank you.”
“We’re not bleeding so much now, hmm? Looks like that dressing I’ve got on has sorted things for the time being.” Fao said, reaching into the drawers for some comfy clothes for Sheila.
“I feel like a pirate.”
Fao couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah?”
She nodded solemnly. “Yeah.”
“It’s not for long.” He placed the clothes next to her. “Are you sure I can’t help you?”
“I’m sure.”
“Can I stay in the room and turn my back. Just in case you need anything?”
“No.” She’d made her mind up, and was stubborn as anything.
Fao glanced at Finn somewhat desperately. He really didn’t want to leave her alone.
“Mum, you do the same for me. Please?”
“No.” She stood her ground. “Just let me change.”
“Come on, mum. Please?”
“Why do you hate me?”
“We don’t hate you.”
“Youdo.” She sighed dramatically.
“We just want to look after you.”
“Let me get changed then!” She sniffed, wiping the tears running down her cheeks.
Fao reached out to wipe her tears away. “Hey, hey. Come on, let’s not have tears.” He said softly. “It’s alright.”
She turned away. She didn’t want his pity.
“Come on, Mumaí.”
It had been forever since he’d called her that. She lowered her gaze with a soft sigh, the fight completely gone. “Okay.”
He pressed a kiss to her hair, where it wasn’t matted with drying blood. “I’ve got you.”
With Sheila no longer actively fighting Fao, things moved a lot smoother. Clothes were changed and she was gently helped downstairs, Finn and Fao on either side.
She was only growing more dizzy, something she wasn’t sure was just the alcohol. Despite Fao telling her off, she kept pressing her fingers to her bandage, but it hurt. Eventually, she listened, leaning heavily into Fao with a quiet sigh. This wasn’t how she’d expected the evening to go.
It was a little wait, but the ambulance arrived within the hour. As Finn disappeared to open the door, Sheila absentmindedly pressed her fingers against the bandages, frowning as she pulled her hand away again. Her fingers were wet with fresh blood, bleeding through the bandage Fao had wrapped around her. She turned worriedly to Fao, her palm stretched out.
“Fao?”
Fao turned to her with a frown, then noticed the blood on her fingers. “Oh, we’re bleeding through? Head wounds like to bleed a lot, hmm? It’s okay, the ambulance is here now. They’ll help us get it sorted.”
“But it’s bleeding again.”
“We’ll put something on top, don’t worry.”
The ambulance crew stepped into the room, somewhat amused by the fact Finn was up and opening the door for them. After a little light teasing, they got another dressing over the stubbornly bleeding wound, and then they headed into hospital.
