robert pattinson’s batman looks like he’s about to complain about never having a pony, never having pets, just a bullshit butler who builds bullshit jets (AH!)
in batman 2022 bruce wayne’s parents were killed in 2001 he would have been like 10? i think. the black parade was released in 2006 when he would have been ambiguously high school aged and obviously very emo and unpopular. what i’m saying here is that i think battinson heard the lyrics “when i was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band he said son when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned” and decided to become batman then and there.
The reason the new Batman is so good is bc it definitely was not made for the regular male super hero loving audience. It was made for the girls and the gays and especially the bi’s
Tonight Dick accompanied me on patrol to help with a minor investigation. He sat on my shoulders and pretended my Bat-ears were joysticks. I saw some of the officers laughing at me. I hid away in the shadows. I am a phantom.
Dick wanted McDonalds on the way home. I said no, because we have chicken nuggets in the freezer. He bullied me until I relented and we both got Happy Meals. I asked for no onions. I got extra onions. The toys were Sonic the Hedgehog themed. I wanted Shadow. I got Tails. Dick would not trade with me.
Bruce finished his journal entry and shoved the notebook away with a sigh. His phone was buzzing again and he recoiled. What did Michelle want now? He stared at the screen until the call went to voicemail and grimaced when he saw a number of texts popping up.
Michelle (PR): Mr. Wayne it’s time for your weekly social media engagement.
Michelle (PR): As per my last email, please try to be more friendly this time. Even though last week’s tweet went viral, it didn’t give a very friendly impression. No one knows if you were joking or not when you said “Don’t talk to me.” That’s one of the no-nos I was talking about.
Michelle (PR): I know you’re screening my calls. I know you’re awake.
Michelle (PR): Please just share something pleasant about yourself. A hobby (golf, polo), art you like (nothing risque or controversial), something you ate/cooked. Focus on *common interests.*
Michelle (PR): I look forward to reading your next tweet! :)
Bruce blinked at his phone. Fine, he would share one of his interests.
It was almost three in the afternoon–way too early for a Bat to be awake–and his phone kept waking him out of his half-sleep. Exhausted, he rolled over and poked at it.
“Hn.”
“Mr. Wayne. It’s Michelle.”
Ohno. His PR manager. Once Bruce had decided to take a more active role in the company, the board had bullied him into working on his public image with Michelle, a very experienced and very highly recommended PR specialist. She’d been unsuccessfully trying to get him on social media lately. He knew why she was calling.
“Yeah,” he rasped into the phone.
“Mr. Wayne. How are you? Good, good. I’m,” she clicked her tongue, “glad to see that you’ve decided to use social media. It seems like the, ah, Gray Ghoul-”
“GrayGhost.”Ugh.
“-Gray Ghost show really caught your attention, didn’t it? I was just hoping we could brainstorm for a bit about your intentions on social media, Twitter etiquette, the brand you want to cultivate, et cetera. You know, to avoid any whoopsies.”
Bruce wanted to crawl down to the cave and hide with his bat friends and never speak to a human ever again. “Whoopsies,” he whispered.
“Oh, you know,” she laughed too loudly, “saying things that might affect your public image. We don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea about you. We want you to be as charming as possible.”
Bruce slid on a pair of sunglasses and slumped out of his bedroom down to the kitchen. His bare feet were cold against the ornate wooden floor. Alfred was fussing over the stove making French toast, Dick doing a handstand on the counter beside him. Status quo.
“Charming,” he echoed. Dick looked over to him and beamed.
“Yes, Mr. Wayne, now you might want to take notes…”
Bruce was subjected to forty seven minutes of Twitter no-nos and building his brand andhow to endear himself to the public. Once he finally managed to bring the conversation to an end, Michelle urged him to tweet something nice. “Something befitting of Gotham’s Prince,” she trilled. “Set an expectation, Mr. Wayne.”
Bruce ended the call.
“Holy long phone call, Batman!” Dick exclaimed. “Wanna go play Mario Kart with me? We don’t have to talk.”
“Sure,” Bruce murmured. “Just a minute.”
He opened Twitter on his phone, ignoring all the notifications he’d received, and drafted a post. He sent the Tweet and turned his phone completely off, allowing Dick to lead him to the newly appointed game room.
Bruce shuffles out of bed at Alfred’s behest and tries to make himself presentable. He’s got a meeting later with some of the board to help with the Flood Relief Fund and Alfred will yell at him if he tries to hide on the roof again.
Sighing, he opens his laptop to check his work email when he remembers: Today is May 1st. It’s the premiere of The Gray Ghost reboot. Hands shaking, he pulls up the streaming platform it’ll be on. This is the first Gray Ghost content they’ve gotten in over fifteen years. His childhood and teen years had been devoted to the show; Gray had gotten him through so many rough patches. He has every single line of dialogue memorized. Every single comic and tie-in book and t-shirt and action figure are in his Gray Ghost room. He sees episode one pop up and presses play.
Guess who just watched The Batman!!! I liked the movie because it’s just so different from the typical Batman you see all the time, He actually gets to be a detective! yay. Though my favorite batman villian has always been the Riddler and it’s nice to see him get some attention, even if this isn’t really my favorite interpretation of the character. As a whole the movie is really solid I think it’s quite good. However towards the end and some moments throughout I don’t really like how they pushed Riddler’s character to be like more like Joker. That is really my only complaint, everything else was entertaining.
I drew a small comic for my riddler, I’ve been thinking about him being a former talon would be really cool. I’ll draw more to the concept soon.
After some time with Bruce, you’d found yourself comfortable enough to share a detail about yourself you hadn’t actually shared before. Now, comfortable does not mean you couldn’t be nervous. You were, you had no idea what kind of reaction it warranted. What he’d have to say. “Hey, Bruce? Do you have a moment?” You asked him as he sat at the dining room table in solitude. He nodded and pulled out the chair beside him.
“Is everything okay?” He noticed your body language, a bit off compared to how you usually acted around him. He made quick assumptions that you disproved in the coming moments.
“I just wanted to tell you something,” you paused and he stared in anticipation, “I’m autistic.” He raised an eyebrow and waited to see if you’d continue. “That’s all.”
“Oh, okay. That’s nice, thank you for sharing.” Bruce reached for your hand and smiled at you. “Do you want to tell me what it entails? I know it’s different for everyone.” He offered to lend and ear and you felt a sense of relief wash over you.
Just a funny coincidence that I thought of, Robert Pattinson who played a vampire is now playing Batman and there’s some stories that have vampires turning into bats so yeah… lol! Incase you couldn’t figure it out the other person in this drawing is Bella Swan. #rachelmbradyart RB
P.S. This is not me dissing Robert in anyway, this is just ment to be a funny thing. I’m actually very excited to see his portrayal of Batman.
authors note: kind of a transition chapter, not the best, i apologize. ALSO this fic is obvi not cannon and selina kyle is not in it so i am adapting around that, some events are out of order
PRINCESS OF GOTHAM DEAD
the text scrolled across the screen and you bit your lip.
you bounced your leg as you watched the press release. usually it would be thomas you would be thomas you would be bouncing, but he was making his first public appearance today.
jim gordon was currently standing outside the gotham precinct talking to the reporters where they were all hungry for bruce’s appearance.
everyone had decided it be necessary to have thomas be there as no one would believe you dead if thomas were no where to be found either.
gordon stepped up to the mic. everyone had been in arms about your ‘death’ as you were a far different target than the mayor, the commissioner, and the da.
“it is with great sorrow to announce that y/n y/l/n was tragically murdered last night by the riddler. we know this without a doubt and we are using all of our resources to find him. a tape has been leaked of y/n’s death and we are advising the public not to listen out of respect of her family. now a word from mr. wayne, her fiancé.” jim finished.
bruce walked out of the precinct doors carrying thomas. bruce stepped up to the mic and cleared his throat, “this is the second person the riddler has hurt because of me. first alfred, now y/n.” thomas started to whine, “this is our child, thomas bruce wayne jr or tommy as y/n called him. he’s without a mother now.” you could see the pain in bruce’s face as he spoke these words as they were his biggest fears and he needed to make it seem realistic.
you swallowed hard you were worried about the two of them being in such a public place when the riddler was clearly obsessed with him.
“she was a great woman and an even better mother. i should have made better use of our time together. that’s all, thank you.” bruce said and walked back inside as the reporters went wild with questions.
your heart broke, seeing the pain in bruce’s eyes knowing he meant every word of it. tears streamed down your face as you clicked off the tv.
“would you like some tea, ms. y/n?” you heard the voice around the corner, wiping the tears away from your cheeks.
you stood up, “dotty?” you asked softly. you knew she was around, but you hadn’t seen her during your arrival last night.
“i didn’t mean to interrupt. i made you tea. i thought you might like some.” she said, walking in and presenting you tea, just how you liked it.
“you remembered.” this made the tears come falling again and your knees buckled. dotty had always made you tea when you weee upset when you were a teenager, it had been a staple comfort item and a bonding moment between the two of you.
dotty quickly put the tray down and rushed to your side, “sweet girl, everything will be alright. you’re home safe again. we will take care of you.”
you leaned into her shoulder, just as you had when you were a young teenager, “how can anything be the same?” you whispered.
“well it won’t be and it shouldn’t be. there’s a baby now. and if that doesn’t make you want to work things out with him, i don’t know what will.” she said, stroking your hair.
you sniffled, “i’m just so worried about him.”
“well aren’t we all, but now he has someone to come home to besides just me and silly alfred.”
you hugged her a final time, “thank you dot.”
your phone beeped and you looked at it. it was a text from bruce with a link to a news article titled SECRET LOVE CHILD OF LATE Y/N Y/LN AND BRUCE WAYNE? FIND OUT MORE TONIGHT
you swore, you knew that meant reporters would be swarming the manor trying to get more pictures of thomas, especially after that pressconference. there was nowhere safe for them to go in gotham. you needed to find the riddler and be done with this, fast.
thankfully, bruce and tommy would have a police escort back to the house later, but you had gone down to start analyzing the latest letter. as you were about to shut down the computers a pattern in the code caught your eye of your initials. you erased all of those symbols which pertained and it spelled out perfect, ‘44’.
you felt sick, you never wanted to step foot in the iceberg lounge or 44 below again. your last name was a legend in that club because of your father as he was known to take any hit job no matter the target, no questions asked. a year after he had killed your mother, you went looking for answers and had a horrible encounter with falcone and the penguin. if it hadn’t been for young bruce, you wouldn’t have made it out alive.
but you knew you were the only one who was going to get in, even if you were supposed to be dead.
thomas didn’t know what to think about bruce in his suit. he was obviously frightened over the whole situation so he clung to you the entire ride back to the manor.
you almost couldn’t believe it when bruce drove you into literal cave. “unbelievable, you really are the most extra man i know.” you shook your head with a small laugh. only he had the funds to make an actual bat-cave.
bruce ignored your comment and parked. when he got out, you took a moment to fully admire the suit and all it’s intricacies. once,he took the cowl off again, his dark paint smeared down his face. you finally could recognize your bruce now that you weren’t in a full blown panic.
you got out of the car and held thomas close as bats flew over your head.
when he walked over to his work station, he pulled out his contacts and put them onto a machine where the worst night of your life started to replay in front of you.
you turned away, unable to stomach it again. you hadn’t even shown up on the screen yet, but just bruce’s point of view of him racing to get to you.
bruce noticed this after he was through shedding the rest of his armor. “come on, let me get you both settled.” you nodded and followed him upstairs to the manor.
nothing had changed since you left. it was like time had stood still. when you walked through the stairwell, memories hit you, hard. you willed away your tears and walked to the master bedroom.
bruce didn’t question it. that had always been your bedroom together, but it looked like it hadn’t been used in a while. you turned to ask but he spoke first, “that night you came. in the rain. i stopped sleeping in here. i couldn’t face it. after what i did to you. i knew i had broken you and all your stuff was in here and the room smelled like you. i-“ he took a deep breathe, “i’m sorry.”
you closed your eyes for a moment and settled thomas on your hip. “i love you and i want you to be apart of our lives but how can i trust you won’t do that again?” you whispered, before he could answer you continued, “i’m going to bathe thomas and then myself.”
after thomas’ bath and your shower, you felt human again. bruce had taken a shower in the other bathroom and was in some pajama pants that were familiar to you. he had laid out one of his old shirts on the bed and a pair of your underwear that you had left behind for you to sleep in.
there was also a package of diapers and onesies; bruce had obviously run to the store while both of you bathed. you smiled softly and changed both yourself and thomas. thomas was exhausted and didn’t even need a bottle to fall asleep.
when he was asleep, you went looking for bruce.
you saw the light on in one of the guest rooms and opened the door. he was laying in the bed, reading. “come to bed.” you said softly. it wasn’t a question, but he could say no.
he looked up at you, confusion on his face, “i want you to come sleep in the bed with us. i won’t feel safe unless you do.” you said walking over and sitting next to him. you also missed him but couldn’t let him know that.
you didn’t want him to think that things would go back to normal, but after the night you had, you couldn’t fathom sleeping alone.
he sat up and gently put his hand on your cheek, “i will never let anything like that happen to either of you again.”
you rested against him and inhaled, “just don’t leave ever. that’s all that matters. now come to bed, b.”
you stood up slowly and took his hand. he took it and followed you to the master. you crawled in next to thomas and bruce next to you. the three of you curled into each other’s arms.
your little family was almost whole again. all that was missing in the house was alfred. then things would be complete.
thomas didn’t know what to think about bruce in his suit. he was obviously frightened over the whole situation so he clung to you the entire ride back to the manor.
you almost couldn’t believe it when bruce drove you into literal cave. “unbelievable, you really are the most extra man i know.” you shook your head with a small laugh. only he had the funds to make an actual bat-cave.
bruce ignored your comment and parked. when he got out, you took a moment to fully admire the suit and all it’s intricacies. once,he took the cowl off again, his dark paint smeared down his face. you finally could recognize your bruce now that you weren’t in a full blown panic.
you got out of the car and held thomas close as bats flew over your head.
when he walked over to his work station, he pulled out his contacts and put them onto a machine where the worst night of your life started to replay in front of you.
you turned away, unable to stomach it again. you hadn’t even shown up on the screen yet, but just bruce’s point of view of him racing to get to you.
bruce noticed this after he was through shedding the rest of his armor. “come on, let me get you both settled.” you nodded and followed him upstairs to the manor.
nothing had changed since you left. it was like time had stood still. when you walked through the stairwell, memories hit you, hard. you willed away your tears and walked to the master bedroom.
bruce didn’t question it. that had always been your bedroom together, but it looked like it hadn’t been used in a while. you turned to ask but he spoke first, “that night you came. in the rain. i stopped sleeping in here. i couldn’t face it. after what i did to you. i knew i had broken you and all your stuff was in here and the room smelled like you. i-“ he took a deep breathe, “i’m sorry.”
you closed your eyes for a moment and settled thomas on your hip. “i love you and i want you to be apart of our lives but how can i trust you won’t do that again?” you whispered, before he could answer you continued, “i’m going to bathe thomas and then myself.”
after thomas’ bath and your shower, you felt human again. bruce had taken a shower in the other bathroom and was in some pajama pants that were familiar to you. he had laid out one of his old shirts on the bed and a pair of your underwear that you had left behind for you to sleep in.
there was also a package of diapers and onesies; bruce had obviously run to the store while both of you bathed. you smiled softly and changed both yourself and thomas. thomas was exhausted and didn’t even need a bottle to fall asleep.
when he was asleep, you went looking for bruce.
you saw the light on in one of the guest rooms and opened the door. he was laying in the bed, reading. “come to bed.” you said softly. it wasn’t a question, but he could say no.
he looked up at you, confusion on his face, “i want you to come sleep in the bed with us. i won’t feel safe unless you do.” you said walking over and sitting next to him. you also missed him but couldn’t let him know that.
you didn’t want him to think that things would go back to normal, but after the night you had, you couldn’t fathom sleeping alone.
he sat up and gently put his hand on your cheek, “i will never let anything like that happen to either of you again.”
you rested against him and inhaled, “just don’t leave ever. that’s all that matters. now come to bed, b.”
you stood up slowly and took his hand. he took it and followed you to the master. you crawled in next to thomas and bruce next to you. the three of you curled into each other’s arms.
your little family was almost whole again. all that was missing in the house was alfred. then things would be complete.
