- throws sweaty towels in Tim and Damian’s face after working out
- taking Tim and Duke to Wendy’s at 3am
- walks into Damian’s room without knocking and just makes himself at home
-turns off Tim’s iPad while he’s doing something
- the cool older brother lectures that Dick can’t pull off.
- “if I ever catch any of you smoking I’m going tie you to the back of the bat plane and take off. Now get in the car we’re getting milkshakes”
- body slams his younger brothers. Which seems like innocent fun but remember hes like 200 lbs of muscle so it always gets him yelled at by Alfred, Bruce and Dick
- crashes Tim’s dates
- set up a double date FOR Tim and Kon and Damian and Jon
- Damian went screaming and crying to Bruce that Jason was interfering in his personal life
Jason: How many murders did you refrain from committing today?
Damian: Thirty two.
Jason: Good for you.
Jason: Here, have a cookie.
Damian, expectantly: I also refrained from fourteen severe maimings.
Jason: *hands him a second cookie*
Bruce:
Jason: positive reinforcement
Okay I so very much want criminals thinking Red Hood is not killing then because Batman offered him cookies. And what if they think Red Hood started working with the bats because of cookies in the first place?
I now want this
as some criminal trying to explain how red hood ended up working with the bats
And then I want my beloved thug named Jeff to, as Dan is putting together the PowerPoint, go recruiting and find a baker to bring into the fold because they need all the enticements they can get their hands on if they’re going to get their boss back
Or just one of Red Hood’s goons to straight up go to culinary school or whatever because apparently boss likes cookies enough to work with Batman so surely if they can do better…
Bruce appeases Murder Child for the first time
Murder Child devours appeasing offerings on the streets of Gotham
Batman gives Murder Child a GINGERSNAP COOKIE???
Criminal reaction - the Murder Child has rejected the appeasing offering!
Our main thug Jeff luring the Red Hood into their old headquarters just for Hood to walk into the main meeting area that had a table absolutely loaded with different baked goods.
Jeff: listen boss—I can still call you boss right?— anyways boss, so a bunch of us got together and put our man Bill—(say hi to Hood Bill!)—through patisserie school. It’s always been a dream of his. But anyways, this way you don’t have to go to the bat for cookies. Bill here learned to make 34 different types! Along with a boatload of other stuff. That way you can come back. Batman has nothing to hold over you now.
Jason, touched (he’s not crying you’re crying): yeah man
Later:
Jason: Sorry B, they made too good of an argument.
As Jason turns and walks out you can see Damian clinging to the back of his jacket like a baby koala (he heard about the baked offerings).
Thug named Jeff my beloved
Yes this is perfect
After much stressing and brooding. Batman obviously adopts Red Hood’s thugs. Just like. Straight up shows up one day with Alfred cookies (objectively better) for everyone and casually mentions how proud he is of them for looking out for Hood but really he’s trying to get Hood to not murder people.
This is amazing & I love it.
Even the thugs are being lured now. People are starting to suspect supernatural means via cookies. Meanwhile (now former thug) Bill is enthusiasticly learning baking tips from Alfred. The red hood now owns a bakery run by his former goons. He’s still their boss and they handle deliveries like drug runs. Somehow this works.
for some reason. i am. Endlessly amused by the concept of superheroes getting fast food. so in between art fight attacks i’ve been making unfunny comics about batman and co going to mcdonalds or something. then i got bullied into posting them by my very mean baby sibling @rockmilkshake i hope you’re happy
I want a Batman story where he starts off as a cheerful and a bit socially daft guy. Where Bruce Wayne is a complete goof and hopelessly romantic fool. He tries to court Talia or Selina with the extravagance and thoughtfulness of a man with the means and mind to try to give his love the most fantastically romantic time ever. He’d be so proud and happy for Dick and his team of superheroes, and all he can imagine is the good they’ll do when they become the next Justice league. Even the criminals in Gotham aren’t too violent, just people looking out for their own.
Then Jason comes into his life, He loves this child so much. The kid adores Alfred and follows him around like a duckling and is quietly delighted with all the toys, books, schooling, ect. that Bruce can provide. He’s smart, studious, sassy, curious, and adorably enthralled with magic (magic!Jason) practically a prodigy but still playing little pranks here and there. He can imagine Jason fitting in very well with Justice league dark if he wants to follow his big brother’s footsteps. Though that plan doesn’t quite play out as he’d hoped.
(I’m just so done with Jason only ever being destined for death and nothing more, and the death of a child being treated like no biggie or a goddamn joke. That shit should be goddamn traumatic and serious.)
However Jason is mercilessly murdered by the Joker, then Barbara is paralyzed, Talia doesn’t want anything to do with him, and Harvey well…Harvey went insane chasing shadows before killing himself. Bruce then starts to spiral into his dark and broody, emotionless, cold and calculating Batman. Turning paranoid and controlling, because if he could have planned for everything then he would have prevented the worst from happening to the people he cared about.
I want Batman’s closed off and harsh personality be a result of his life getting to a point of falling apart instead of the insanity of “dead parents” because frankly I’m sick of those damn pearls. I get it as a motivation to start being a hero but the rest of why he’s a dick to his allies and so damn standoffish about being in control all the time shouldn’t be tied to that. I think it should be a process of him losing his hopefulness to the thoughtless acts of cruelty later down the line.
Give me a batman that starts with everything to lose, a hopeful man who believes that people can change for the better if they were given a proper chance. That goodness is inherent because superman who has all the power to do anything still decides to do good. A batman who thought people were only evil because of desperation, or needed/wanted something but is proven so wrong that it slowly breaks him, into the batman we’re familiar with.
(the kind of batman that lashes out at Dick, ignores or doesn’t care for Tim and Steph, beats & banishes Jason from Gotham, and makes contingencies & plans to be able to take out his JLA friends)
Maybe even have the parents be secretly not the best people. I’ve been thinking about Martha Wayne being a high ranking member of the court of owls, and his father sharing a hand with Hugo strange to make Arkham asylum a hell on earth.
Lemme know what you guys think because frankly I kinda hate how toxic Batfam is and I really don’t care for trying to pretend it’s a good time to be with the kind of batman we have. Straightup fanon gooddad!Bruce is so far away from what Batman is, I can’t imagine them being the same person at all. At least with this kind of timeline I feel like it could possibly work.
