#being bad
Daily Picture Assignment #82
I stayed up late reading on Wednesday. Then, last night, I read while sitting on the couch instead of doing it while exercising, like I should have. When I talked to Reaction Junkie last night, I admitted that I was on the couch instead of the elliptical, and told him about staying up until 1 the previous night. He was displeased. In fact, he was kind of angry.
He told me that as a punishment, I wasn’t allowed to read anymore until he got home, because I was misusing it to stay up late, saying that I was supposed to read for twenty minutes at most. I protested and said in a bratty tone, “I was listening to a podcast while sitting on the couch, too.” Reaction Junkie responded that I wouldn’t be allowed to listen to podcasts either.
I got annoyed and said that the reading was supposed to be to get me to read at least twenty minutes, not to limit me to only twenty minutes. Reaction Junkie started to reply, but I kept interrupting, trying to explain myself and convince him to at least let me listen to podcasts while driving and working. He said no, I had to be in silence and think about what I’d done.
I continued interrupting until he got angry with me. He told me that I’d had my chance to talk, and it was now time for me to listen. He said that I’d wanted him to be more strict, and this was him giving me what I wanted. I started to protest again, saying that I didn’t like it, and trying to explain what I thought was a misunderstanding he’d had about something I said. He replied that I said I didn’t like it, but I kind of did. In the moment, I disagreed. We kept talking for a little while and he said I could listen to podcasts while actively working. Not long after that, the call dropped.
That was an awful showing on my part. I should know better. I shouldn’t have stayed up late. I shouldn’t have sat on the couch to lounge when I should have been exercising. And I especially shouldn’t have talked back or interrupted him. Because of course he was right. Once I had a few minutes to cool down, I saw that he hadn’t really misunderstood me, and that the punishments were fitting. If I’d accepted what he was saying right off, I know that I could have made a request to be allowed to listen to podcasts while driving and at work, and he likely would have been agreeable.
I’ve submitted to Reaction Junkie and I’ve asked him to be more strict with me. If I’m going to ask that of him, which requires more work and effort for him, I need to live up to my side of the bargain. I need to do as I’m told. And if I don’t manage to do that, I need to graciously accept whatever kind of discipline he thinks is warranted. Reaction Junkie owns me, he has power over me, he knows what’s best. And I need to respect that.
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I haven’t been feeling very owned lately, so I’ve been disobeying Reaction Junkie more frequently, often forgetting my role and refusing to do what he tells me to, resisting his commands, and complaining about his orders. We’ve both been super busy and stressed preparing for our move this coming Saturday, so hasn’t had any extra time or energy to invest in our d/s dynamic to make me feel owned, and I haven’t had the resources to put in the extra time and energy I’d need to keep myself in line better and remind myself that he owns me. He told me that after we move, he’ll be able to work on the d/s with me more, and I know I’ll be better able to remind myself of my place, especially if he sets up some reoccurring tasks, assignments, and rules.
In the meantime, he did add a couple of things. In addition to having to get on my knees and help him take his shoes off when we get in the door, now every morning I have to crawl and bring him his shoes to put on. Also, on Saturday, while we were packing, he told me that for the rest of the day, I couldn’t just call to him from another room, asking for permission to pee. Instead, I had to come over to him each time so he could test how badly I had to go by pressing on my bladder. I’m going to keep doing that, both at home and while we’re out, even though he said it was for just that day.
Finally, I now have to post at least one picture a day on tumblr. It can’t be the same thing everyday. Some days a body shot, some days a tit pic, some days a cunt picture, some days a close up of a bruise, etc. And underneath the picture, I need to write something that will help me remember that he owns me, that I owe him my obedience, that I’m his to use as he will, that he has control over me, that I should happily do what he tells me, and so on. I think the daily picture will be especially helpful to remind me that I am an owned little feminist bitch.
Daily Picture Assignment #137
I started playing Corruption of Champions again (did you know it can be on your phone!?) and it’s turning me into such a horny little slut. I’ve gotten off twice this morning while playing it, and I imagine I’ll get off at least once more at work.
Reaction Junkie normally likes when I do these things, but last night when I came home, I went right to my computer and started playing. We had plans to cuddle and watch Parks and Rec. He didn’t say anything, so I kind of figured he wasn’t in the mood anymore.
I was wrong. It hurt his feelings that I went right to playing this game/masturbating, especially when I wouldn’t engage with him about it out of wanting to get off plus embarrassment about how silly it is.
Tonight on the way home from happy hour, I’m going to use the game to bring us together, rather than push us apart. I’ll read to him and then masturbate and get close, but not come. I’ll edge myself the whole way home.
Then, when we get in, I’ll pull him to bed, rather than starting up Netflix on the couch. I’ll beg him to help me get off, to let me come. I’ll be desperate for his hands on me, to feel him touch me, to use a vibe on me.
I’ll be a little bitch in heat, as horny a slut as I’ve been with the game, but this time it will be for him, as it should be.
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Daily Picture Assignment #130
Outfit from last week’s happy hour.
I was bad on Wednesday night. My owner said he wanted water. I know that him saying that should be as good as him telling me to get it and that I should be eager to do what he needs, even without him asking for it. I should have said, “Yes, sir!” and hopped to it.
Instead I said, “Then you should get some water.” and smiled a half-sweet and half-annoyed smile at him. He frowned at me and said, “What I meant to say was,‘Get me some water.’” I whined, “I don’t want to!” Reaction Junkie gave me a look, and eventually I did as I ought and poured him a glass of water, however reluctantly.
It was not my shining moment. Granted, I was tired, and a little while earlier, we’d seen a cop do something messed up to someone, so I was still agitated. Still, that’s no excuse for my behavior, especially the outright refusal to obey. When my owner rephrased his desire as a command, it should have snapped me out if it.
That I was upset about something is all the more reason I should have obeyed. I know that following orders helps grounds me. It gives me a sense of purpose, reminds me of my place at home and in my relationship, and helps stop my mind racing.
In the future, when I’m feeling stressed and am given an order, instead of responding poorly, I’m going to take the order as an opportunity.An opportunity to get out of my head, an opportunity to show that I can be good, even under pressure, and an opportunity to please my owner.
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