A reflection of each other’s strengths. Ever watchful. Ever mindful of her needs. Her submission given. Not taken.
She is his pride. His alone to defend. He acknowledges her strengths and fortifies her weaknesses.
She is one half of the whole.
He is her other half.
The one she looks to when she is unsure and wary. The one she knows will lead her when needed. He is the one that embraces her prowess and melds it with his own.
Individually, they are independently strong. Together, they are indomitable.
My man: Mmhmm. You’ll get food and company. Then you’ll be face down, biting your pillow and showing me what an obedient little whore you are. Should be a nice night.
When he kisses you and his hand rests on your throat. He’s not firm with you, he’s barely making contact with your skin.
The way he gently plays with your hair. Taking strands in his hand, tucking it behind your ear.
His fingers tracing little circles on your inner thighs. Never close enough.
It’s the tease.
His controlled patience. Forcing you to admit that you need it.
Admit that you’re desperate for his hand to wrap around your throat. Admit that you hope he will pull your hair sharply and without warning. Admit that you want your body claimed by his hands.
Admit that you need to be powerless with him.
And he’ll wait until you confess your every desire to him.
It’s been a week since L and I started a new accountability exercise together. In response to my starting to crave a return to D/s and recent lack of focus throughout the day + L’s desire to strengthen the communication between us, we came up with a plan to address both.
We created a task log that has daily activities for me - some chores, some for pleasure. Things like tidying the house, journaling, exercising, adhering to bedtime, etc. Each evening L and I make time to talk through my activities and he checks off each accomplished area.
Why it’s working for us:
I’m usually really motivated and proactive and don’t need a granular system like this to get shit done. But it’s okay to realize you need help sometimes and it’s also okay to ask for that help. I’ve been so much more focused for the last week, and my overall happiness has increased with my mind and body being more engaged in my day.
It’s a small step into D/s, but absolutely a step nonetheless. L is the only one who can check off tasks, and he is in a position of power to hold me accountable. I answer to him. We can gauge my emotional responses to the dynamic and increase the intensity of the power exchange gradually over time - if it feels right for both of us.
Our system creates a space for “check ins” every evening. There is less focus on tasks being complete, but rather how we are doing, how the day treated us. If I don’t workout because my anxiety was crippling, L won’t punish me - but he won’t know what I’m going through unless we check in. We wanted to emphasize our communication and intentionally prioritize conversations rather than the task itself. And of course, I’m aware that there are consequences if I’m slacking and our conversation reveals no true justification. Also, L doesn’t have tasks obviously (lol), but when we have dedicated time to connect, I am also able to check in with him!
It’s sort of fun… starting with the small things again. L is my best friend, partner, and boyfriend. I know him better than anyone. But we’ve grown a lot in the last couple years, and I’m sure our dynamic will shift from what it was when we first started playing together. This feels like the opportunity to slowly rediscover each other. I’m getting butterflies, and it’s just daily tasks!!!! We love some every day flirty fun!
Personally, I’m finding joy in the little things and feeling good about my daily accomplishments - while also strengthening my relationship with L. Win/win tbh.
Should there really be any hard limits in a relationship? If you TRULY TRUST. Then wouldn’t you trust that he/she will know what you need? What you want? And isn’t it the role of your partner, male and female to push your hard limits, not aggressively or with intent but with purpose? Is it not the dynamic to get out of your comfort zone and see how uncomfortable you can get?
To live life on edge?
Speaking of edging…. Mmmmm
Master has tasked me with edging for five minutes every hour today, I know there is a lesson to be had, there always is. Over the past few days since I returned to him, needy and wanting, understanding the last lesson that I did not need answers to return, I needed to get out of my own way and trust he knows what is best for me. I have been learning so much. He truly is a Master. He fascinates me. How one human can be so in control of what his purpose is but missing the mark on other things. But I know he is the Master of his own self and it is not my role to push him, he does not permit me to do that. I know and accept what my role is with him. I know my purpose is to serve his needs. He is free to use my body whenever he wants. I no longer need him to receive and feel love because I love myself. What I need is to be taught a lesson. To continue to learn about my submission and my purpose to serve. And holy crap does this man teach me: not in the school girl being punished way you kinky fucks are thinking. (Although I am sure I would look cute in that getup) however I am all woman, goddess, alpha to my core, sadly dominant in my past relationships, it’s why men have been who they have been with me in the past. I learned and accepted that about who I used to be on day two of returning to London. But he has always known I am submissive, as are all women if they get out of their own way, they push past the uncomfortable zone of lacking trust, feeling unworthy, …
Hold please time to edge… and the alarm says “LUNCH”… so that is my fantasy…
Laying on the couch, legs hanging over the side, your mouth on my Crown Jewels, feeding on your pussy. Lapping up your juices, like it’s a ripe peach, messy and sticky, dripping down between my ass crack, covering your face, suckling on your clit, teasing and torturing me with that magnificent mouth of yours. Your strong arms wrapped around my thighs pinning me in place as I squirm and try to grind on your face. Purely teasing me as I know you’ll stop in 5…4…3… 2…1….
The dynamic is as old as time. It began with Adam & Eve.
Do not mistake Dominance & Submission for some sexual kink act. You will be sorely disappointed. I am sure many will appease your temptress ways, if you think your kinky desires will sustain you are mistaken. Without understanding and accepting of your true calling as a woman, your relationship will not withstand the storm of life. True submission is to accept who you are, what you were created for, your purpose and where you are going. The when and why and how are the mystery.
I am a woman, created to submit to my God in the universe and my Master, a man on earth. We are equals. I know my role in my life and in his. He gave me his rib upon creation and I let him feed upon my apple. Together we can create life, love and true happiness. As a spiritual divine union.
We have one need. LOVE. That is the only need in life, for to truly Love yourself, you are healthy mind, body, soul and spirit. And if you love yourself, only then can you love another, trusting that he will be there by your side as long as it is Gods will. And once you surrender to God’s will, the unknown of universe, the lack of control, the mystery of the unknown won’t be scary. To live in fear is to dance with the Devil. To give your devoted faith to two, is the most beautiful thing a woman can do and through that beauty, life will be balanced, calm and she will find peace.
I often wonder if I should remove some of the chaos below. The glimpse into my insanity. He drove me crazy, literally and figuratively.
I may remove it someday. His hold over me is still there but weaker. There is a part of me that wishes it was gone. Do all dominate men know the hold they can have over you? That’s a dangerous thought.
I compare all my encounters to you all, the men that changed my life since I have embraced who I am.
I Am submissive in a sea of sharks.
Not Wolves, Not silver bearded Bears, Not beacons of light, No teachers from afar, surely not the dabblers, but sharks. And although I am a starfish in this vast ocean, a mermaid, a gypsy, a student still learning, healing, I feel like a minnow compared to most.
But maybe I am a baby shark and will get my jaws on someone worthy of my love. But knowing my luck in love, I’ll pick a hammerhead. *Giggling*
Well time to enjoy the beautiful waters of where my father grew up. In a city with a large Marina and I accept that I am ignoring one of my No’s of this month but I also realize the one I have entrusted to my healing, does not understand me because she has not accepted her submission and although No means No, I have been alone my entire life and my writing is all I have, and the man who once gave me a firm hand, is being laid to rest.
Tomorrow I reunite my parents, a divine union, twin flames, that never had a chance. I fulfill my life purpose to mend their marriage and on Friday, the day of my 46th birthday, I will reunite my father with his children who drowned before they could become magnificent sea creatures. And then I trust I will be set free in this ocean to swim with the dolphins and run wild like the mustangs.
And how I wish you were here to guild me, reassure me, place your hand on the small of my back and reassure me that I will love again. That he isn’t the only shark in the sea. The only wolf in the forest or bear in the woods.
But know I miss you Sir.
You know who you are. And I am still holding a space for you. When you are ready I hope I am here. And if not, see you next life as we did not learn our lesson and our flame still burns bright.
I miss the simpler times when a telephone was all you had to communicate with someone. No social media, no texting, no blocking someone. You were forced to communicate or listen to the obnoxious phone ring over and over until you answered. Heck I even remember tying a string to two cans and playing telephone as a kid (still confused by that as it is a bit too much science for this blonde brain to comprehend how those two cans and a string worked)…
I wanted to reach out to you the other day. I reached out last month on the day of the Star and you forgave me. The intent was not to get a response but to bring something to light. To bring to your attention that I made you feel. And that is why you walked away. There is no other reason. But I chose not to send the email as I do not wish to be a hard limit pusher. You need to heal on your own terms, as I am mine. Please don’t misunderstand this post, for me, to write is to heal, to speak my truth and my needs come first. I am not selfish. That is the dynamic. I am happy you walked away this time as you were correct, I was not healing, you were a distraction. You were right, I wasn’t focused on my work.
I will trust that when/if that time comes I won’t need to seek the cards or outside sources, I will trust myself and that it’s the right time. I will trust that I will know without a shadow of a doubt when the right time will be to post this to the masses. Hoping you read. And it may never happen. Parts of this letter are over 2 months old, from our first lesson. You may just be a chapter in my life. An incredible one but who knows, only time will tell. For now I hold space for you as our story was pure magic and you said you would wait until June. But I have no idea if you’ll be at the other end of this journey, sadly I am not psychic.
I recognize that that I anxiously attached to you. Shut down the entire world except focusing on you, feeling a deep connection with just you, but that is not healthy. I need balance, strength and justice. I need to sit in the space and recognize why I chose you. It is my choice to choose you and your choice to choose me. Free will is a beautiful thing. You’re not the only person in the world. You don’t have to be a mathematician to recognize that there is way more than 1 person in the world for me. The subject of “The One” is beautiful but there are many ones, it’s just about who are we willing to work it out with, who are we meeting at the right time in our lives. So I need to sit in this space and recognize that you were brought into my life. And I was brought into yours. I chose you, and you chose me, and you said you would wait, but you have walked away three times now. Was it truly for my healing, or yours or some other lesson. I currently trust that it is all 3. And it may not be our time. I am doing the work without you, focused on the end goal. Up for the challenge. I heard you when you said I was jeopardizing my healing and myself for you, because by accepting that you are my Sir, my owner, my master and my divine union, I give myself over to you completely. That is submission. You were shocked by the transformation. And I accept that scared you. It made you feel. Not something you wanted. But do you need it? It’s a intimidating thing. I am sorry I triggered you, but to be triggered is to heal. If you choose to process. I hope you see that. Because in order to be in a life with me you will need to be open and honest and true to who you are, you will need to no longer deny your heart, your truth or your magic. To return to me, you will need to walk through the door knowing you’re entering a divine spiritual union.
To know is to enter. To enter is to heal. To heal is to love.
Hear me. I know you listen, but do you hear me? See me? Feel me?
It’s been almost a month now since he walked out of my life.
But he’d been in my thoughts every day.
The dark-haired man with piercing black eyes who took capture of my mind, body, and soul.
I’ve been watching him for several weeks now sitting at the coffee shop probably knowing that I’m watching him but acting oblivious.
Looking for the right opportunity to approach him the way that he approached me however he was meticulous and everything that he did was so in control and so confident he knows his surroundings that’s why it’s hard for me to believe that he didn’t know I would be coming.
Today’s the day; I need him, I no longer just want him, he gave me a taste and I wanted more. I put on my sundress wearing nothing underneath knowing that he would want easy access if he decided to let me in, knowing that this would please him, I slid on my sandals, my nerves twisting my gut. I trusted that this is what he needed too, that he craved me as much as I did him. I had observed his every move for the last few weeks; I knew where he had his morning coffee, got his mail, ate his lunch. I didn’t feel like a stalker only because this was exactly what he did to me. I knew where he lived, but sadly he was very aware of his surroundings and cautious so every door and window locked, I knew there would be no surprise entry, my only option was through the front door which meant I would have to knock, that alone almost derailed me because he could very easily shut the door in my face. As I approached his gate I was happy to find that it was unlocked but I still knew the front door was locked. Walking up to his stoop I raised my hand to knock and the door opened before I could make contact.
We simply stared at each other knowing what the other needed, my mouth watering at the sight of him, my body reacting, flushing under his gaze. My insides tightened and contracted, feeling myself grow wet between my legs, I yearned for him and my body reacted. God he is beautiful, the mere sight of him makes me weak in the knees; it seems like hours as we stood there staring at each other neither of us saying a word.
We hadn’t talked in weeks.
We didn’t need to talk.
We just wanted each other sexually as we had not healed yet.
I knew what he wanted.
He knew what I wanted.
I knew what I needed.
He knew what he needed.
He only needed to instruct me and I would know what to do.
“Go.”
All he said was the one word, to others it would have meant, leave. And I could’ve turned and walked away but that’s not what he meant as he raised his arm for me to walk through. It was a clear instruction.
As if I’d been there before I knew exactly where to go straight to his bedroom and as I walked past him slightly sauntering so that he would see the shape of my hips through the sundress I lifted the sundress to reveal my naked body and stripped it in the hallway leaving it at the bedroom entrance, discarded in a heap. We would not need clothes. Lowering myself onto my knees, I crawled on all fours to get into his bed knowing exactly what I was showing him, knowing he would love that view of my ass, taking my time letting him watch, I turned over to see him leaning against the door jam, as I predicted, arms folded, watching my every move, it was daylight outside so I was completely exposed. I crawled to the top of the bed and roll onto my back, propped against pillows, positioning myself in the position he prefers, palms up, legs bent, slightly apart, exposing my pussy, presenting myself to him, without speaking a word, calling to him to come to me and use my body for it is his.
My breasts heaving, breathing labored in anticipation. Still no words being spoken just staring at each other knowing that we are crossing each other‘s boundaries, tossing our hard limits aside, ignoring our No’s, for the primal need of each other. It was empowering and intoxicating.
I inhaled deeply, not realizing I was holding my breath, I needed to remember to breathe. And as if to acknowledge he was suffering too, he took in a deep breath and exhaled, he had been holding his breath. I was affecting him as much as he was affecting me. And I was igniting him as he was igniting me.
We continued to stare at each other. A test of strength. He was a magnificent specimen of a man. Leaning against the door, looking effortless, unaffected. Arms folded across his chest. Eyes hungry. I scanned his body, barefoot, clad in jeans and a T-shirt. God this man is stunning, he oozed confidence and sex appeal, he was freshly showered, he must have just finished up his daily errands, come home to relax but could still feel his tension. We had our encounter a few weeks ago and had not spoken since, for good reason, but that didn’t matter right now. We needed each other, we needed an escape, the primal desire to taste each other, feed off each other. We were good, no, great at this, the other stuff was messy but it didn’t matter right now. I continue to survey his beauty and my breath catches in my throat as my gaze stops at the outline of his hard cock. Clearly, he is as turned on at the thought of me as I am of him. His cock is magnificent, some men have beautiful cocks, but his is perfect, designed for pleasure. My pleasure. It’s anything but average. Thick, long, incredibly perfect in shape and it fills me completely. Made for me, I like to think. Oh, how I have missed my cock. The one thing that he permitted me to use, call mine, that is connected to him. My mouth waters at just the thought of tasting him. I can hear my own breathing, see my chest rise and fall as I gaze at his cock, hungry, growing ravenous, I am shocked I am not drooling. He is fully erect under my gaze, it is straining against his jeans, confined, wanting to be released. As if he knew what I wanted, he unzips his jeans freeing himself so I can have a better look. My eyes return to meet his and there is a new fire. He knows I want to taste him. I instinctively licked my lips and I could tell it made him weak in the knees as he shifts his body but he is in control and I knew that I could not speak nor would I make the next move without his instruction. I glance back at his cock and bite my lower lip. It seems like an eternity before he speaks but when he does he grants me what I want with two words, two words that I needed to hear from his lips.
“Touch yourself.”
His words snap my head up, to meet his hungry gaze, it’s almost as if he was punishing me with that sharp tone, but I can see the desire in his eyes, he’s breathing is labored too. Lowering my gaze in a bow, I slowly move my hand between my legs, two fingers softly outlining my pussy lips, I can feel my moisture and slide my fingers just between my lips to moisten them. Moving my fingers back and forth encircling my clit. My hips react and begin to move in a circular motion in sync with my fingers. My breathing deepens, my gaze moves back to his cock and he is stroking himself watching me. My cheeks flush when I meet his gaze, he is so hungry for me but restraining his needs while I pleasure myself. Doesn’t he know I want him more than to pleasure myself? Eyes locked I continue to tease my clit, I can feel how wet I am getting, I can see his stroking quicken, as I quicken my pace, he’s matching my pace. Never breaking eye contact, almost as if we can’t break apart or we will lose our connection. Our breathing is matched, our hands pleasuring our own bodies. I need him to come to me but he needs to stay across the room.
I mouth one word.
“Please.”
And it’s all he needs, in one movement he is out of his jeans and shirt and on top of me. Spreading my legs apart, entering me quickly. Fiercely. Not being gentle. I don’t want gentle. I want him. I need him. We both let out a huge sigh of relief. Oh my god, do we fit together. He fills me completely. He sets the pace, slow and steady, savoring each thrust, our bodies quivering, I am so close already. God, we needed each other I can feel him holding back. I wrap my legs around his hips and draw him in deeper, I hear him growl “FUCK” and my nails dig into his back. His pace quickens. My body matches his. I mumble “Fuck me, Master.” And he sits back on his knees, grasping my hips yanking me to him, watching my breasts bounce as he fucks me, holding my legs behind my knees, to gain deeper access, locking eyes with me, watching my body react to him, chest flushed, breathing labored, hungry eyes, I need his release. I need him to fill me with his seed. I want to explode around him but this feels so incredible. I can barely hold my eyes open. The pleasure is overtaking my body. My hands move to his chest and I grip with my fingers, nails digging into him. Trying to pull him towards me as I push him away. I need to release but don’t want this pleasure to stop. He is fucking me hard and fast, animalistic, primal. Our bodies are drenched with sweat as we hold back our orgasms to enjoy the pleasure of fucking. It’s overwhelming, intoxicating, I can not, will not cum without his permission. He knows this. He is my Master and he controls my orgasms.
As if he knew I could take no more.
“Cum for me.”
He didn’t need to say anything else, for my orgasms, are his. I explode all around his cock, my body bucks, and waves of pleasure crash over me. Grasping whatever I can hold onto as my body is overcome with pleasure. Moaning loudly I hear and feel him release inside me and another wave of pleasure washes over me.
He collapses forward, our bodies sweaty, our breathing labored, tingling from our release, he reaches behind my back and rolls me with him as he moves to the bed. Never releasing my body, tucked close to his chest, his cock still deep inside me, the most pleasurable aftercare. Tucking me nicely under his chin, our breathing is in unison, breath for breath, inhale…exhale, no longer panting but still labored, the scent of him and our sex intoxicating, savoring the scent, entering my nostrils with every inhale. His arms wrapped tightly around me he is not letting go and I was in no hurry to leave but we still spoke no words. I knew that words would just wake us up and put us back in reality and I was in no hurry. I wanted to enjoy this moment for I had no idea when our next encounter would be.
Seconds turned into minutes, minutes seem to turn into hours, we just laid there holding each other, breathing. I had no desire to leave the comfort of his embrace. I needed him and he needed me, as we lay there I could feel his body relax and drift off to sleep. Eventually, his tight grip on me went limp, as did his cock inside me, I smiled that it still completely filled me. Our legs intertwined, it felt like he didn’t want to ever let go and it was the most beautiful embrace I’ve ever felt; feeling needed, wanted, and desired all in one. I didn’t wanna get up and leave but I knew that I was not ready yet. I wanted to come to him completely, a new woman, a woman he deserved. And sadly I had not healed yet, I still had more work to do. Healing would be forever but the tools I am learning is how to cope and function and be the best possible me I could be for myself. For him. And he is a distraction and I would just waste more days if I stayed. He deserved the best version of me. I deserve the best version of me. The magical version, not the broken woman he came to in the beginning. He said he would wait, and June is right around the corner. I needed to honour him and go. Leaning in, I kissed his chest and whispered against his skin. “Please wait.”
As if on cue, he started snoring and I knew it was safe for me to leave. Slowly removing my legs from his, letting his cock slide out of me, his embrace loosened, he was in a deep sleep now. Getting up off the bed I walked to the doorway and gathered my sundress sliding it over my shoulders, letting it fall and cover on my body. The moisture between my legs reminding me of what just happened, I turn and glance back to see him watching me. I smile softly and turn and walk myself to the door gripping the handle, I pause. Resisting the urge to run back into his arms and tell him everything that I have learned and all the healing that I’ve done so far but I know that I’m not done and he wants a Goddess and he deserves fun, laughter, and orgasms. Not a hydra of mental chaos. He does not want the stress or the emotions and I have to trust that he’s working on his own healing and then we will come back together in the future. Hoping it is not the last time I would be in this house; trusting that we will come together again in the future, I step outside into the darkness, it’s nighttime now; I have no idea how long we were together. It does not matter, walking briskly back to my flat marveling at the beauty of the man I just left, saying a silent prayer that he will come to me once we have both healed.
A friend posted “I have been dominating men most of my life without even realizing I was doing it. I much prefer being submissive. It has taken me to new heights…”
It’s a calm to my storm.
It’s who I Am.
I am submissive.
Sadly I let my alpha get in the way at times.
Learning to fully let go has been my hardest lesson in this journey. Not with him. But if my mental shit. With him I was able to let go, trust. Submit but sadly I could not stay in submission all day. I had to put my go to work, therapy, spend time with others hat on… and my alpha reared its ugly head(s). It is hard being alpha during to the outside world and submissive inside. Especially when trying to learn balance with so many other aspects of my life.
I know he did not understand why I needed him but I did, do. He calmed me, brought balance. Accepted my I Am.
But in doing that I made him feel. And he did not want to feel. He only wanted fun, laughter and orgasms. And although it came from a place of the heart, it was his hard limit. For he lacks emotion, his body tells me so.
And no matter how I forced it, you cannot dominate a Dominate man. And don’t even think about domineering one. For he will release you at the drop of a hat and even kick you in the stomach as he walks out.
Our connection always undeniable. But he chooses another and I understand. I have no expectations of him. For I know he chooses her, putting her needs over his. While his needs and wants sadly get ignored.
So I let him feed on me.
His hunger undeniable.
For I know he has been starved.
He needs the release.
And selfishly I needed the release as well.
For I was not chosen.
By him or the others.
But I choose me.
And I choose to let him feed off me.
And out of fear I did not dare touch myself without permission.
I needed him to heal, put his needs first as so many others had with me, but this time it was my choice.
And then he called, knowing I wouldn’t pleasure myself without permission, so that my needs were met. And this is the one way I will obey even though he does not own me, as I can not deny his voice. His growl.
And I did need to know that another could make me cum.
That my former Master no longer had control over my orgasms.
No longer held the leash.
The leash had been cut.
And the wolf told me to feed off him.
As he licked my wounds.
Devoured me.
Fed on me.
Ravished me.
And our release came.
Waves of pleasure.
And I was once again brought to my knees, humbled, by a man…
A wolf.
Who I marked.
And I tasted my orgasm when it was done.
Knowing it is what Master would have wanted. And I liked pleasing master. Orgasms brought him joy so he would never deny me that.
And I know he watched. From afar. Leaning on the door jam of my mind.
For our connection is strong.
And I remembered he granted me orgasms in his absence.
And although there is no leash. No control.
A collar still remains…
And if Master never returns…
my hope is that in time I will have the strength to remove it on my own.
You are still a beacon of light. Forever the lighthouse keeper guiding those who seek. Standing on duty, keeping the light lit at full intensity until sunrise, a person in service, never absent from your station or duty without authority. Spending your day, surveying the weather and the tide conditions, journaling in beauty and grace, forever enslaved to the masses denying yourself. Ready to launch a lifeboat for those in need.
And although we are no longer friends your light shines bright for all to see. I still see your guidance from afar and nod in acknowledgment to the reminder that at any point I could become high and dry.
I hope you are well in the tower by yourself. My wish for you is someday your light finds someone who is adrift, as I found you, but this time you and her connect. And you come down from your tower to guide her on her passage to your home. For you were pointing me in my direction, towards my home. Away from the shore, as I have an oceans to travel, much to still learn, hopefully no more hurricanes to endure.
Thank you for waving me on, for I was sailing close to the wind, ready to sink or swim. And with you, I would have sunk, left dead in the water.
Now the waters are calm and I am smooth sailing, wind in my hair, sun on my face. Guided by the moon and the stars. On the right track. For my Master runs a tight ship and I am at peace.
I wish you farewell my friend, I shall keep you at bay, and wish you fair winds and following seas.
I am. Left to my own will and devices, I self destruct. I NEED to be owned and controlled. I’m so thankful for my Goddess and her leadership and control. She’s made me a better man.
