#reminders to myself

Daily Picture Assignment #124

New Year’s Eve outfit! Sheer dress with shiny shoes and shiny panties.

This was my second time ringing in the new year with my owner, and this time we actually went out! Sure, we left right after midnight, but at least we stayed that late..

I’m not normally much for resolutions, but this year I’m making some, and I thought I’d share a few. I’m making these in service of being a better friend, a better employee, a better partner, a better slut, and a better sub.

• I resolve to be more intentional about the work I do, my friendships, the play I do, my romantic/dating relationships, how I spend my free time, my health, and how I want my life to be.

• I resolve to communicate better (and respond more quickly), to say what I want and what I don’t want, and to be clear about boundaries and what I am capable of giving to people.
• I resolve to practice rope more often, especially with Reaction Junkie, and to do more topping in general.

• I resolve to be useful however I can be, both to my owner and to anyone he rents me out to or lets borrow me.
• I resolve to play with more people (contingent on energy and mood, of course).

• I resolve to get off more frequently and in more ways.
• I resolve to remember my place and to remind my owner of his place more often.

• I resolve to be more proactive in my submission, both by doing things without being asked, and by coming up with ideas to share.
• I resolve to expend that extra effort when I want to talk back, refuse, or disobey, and instead take a deep breath and remind myself of what I’ve said here and elsewhere.

• And I resolve to resist the urge to be sullen or pouty, and instead say “Yes, sir.” once I’ve taken that moment to focus on my submission.

Daily Picture Assignment #123

Happy hour outfit from last night.

Reaction Junkie and I have a little protocol around what I wear. Whenever I’m going out, I ask him what to put on. I’m not asking him to pick out my whole outfit, mind, since that isn’t his strong suit. Instead, I ask him if I should wear a skirt, dress, or shorts. Now that it’s winter, I’ve replaced “shorts” with “pants” and “leggings.” I really like this protocol, since I get to feel that sense of being controlled and Reaction Junkie gets to make pick out some of my clothes, but without any of the pressure of having to pick out a full outfit.

While I don’t ask Reaction Junkie to make all of my clothing choices for me, sometimes I do ask for input when I can’t make up my mind about a particular aspect of my outfit. Last night was such an occasion. I couldn’t decide which boots to wear, these ones, or my big stompy boots. I was leaning towards the stompy ones, but wasn’t sure, so I put these on and asked Reaction Junkie what he thought.

He thought for a second and told me, “Those.” For a moment, I thought about disagreeing and wearing the other boots, but then I remembered my place. It doesn’t matter what I want. What’s important is what Reaction Junkie wants. Even if I think he might be wrong, and that a different course would be better, I need to listen to his decision. If it’s something major, I can, of course, speak up, but even then, if he still wants me to do what he initially said, I must obey. And if I disagree on something minor, I should, no, will obey without question. So I wore the boots that he picked.

The details of Reaction Junkie’s preference or order don’t matter. The important thing I that I remember that I’ve subsumed my preferences and wants into his. If I prefer something that runs contrary to what he wants, I will follow through with his desire. A particular decision may not be or even become what I would like, but by virtue of the fact that it is what Reaction Junkie prefers, I will want to follow through with it. I may not want it specifically, but going along with it will make me happy, because it will best please Reaction Junkie.

PS. Before anyone gets mad, the shirt is from A Softer World, and it’s making fun of people who act like that’s what feminism is about. Reaction Junkie has one, too, which results in some great interactions.

Daily Picture Assignment #86

I try to be good. I don’t always succeed.

I don’t like being punished, but it’s what I need.

I need to keep that in mind when I start to protest..

These punishments help me to do and be my best.

Daily Picture Assignment #82

I stayed up late reading on Wednesday. Then, last night, I read while sitting on the couch instead of doing it while exercising, like I should have. When I talked to Reaction Junkie last night, I admitted that I was on the couch instead of the elliptical, and told him about staying up until 1 the previous night. He was displeased. In fact, he was kind of angry.

He told me that as a punishment, I wasn’t allowed to read anymore until he got home, because I was misusing it to stay up late, saying that I was supposed to read for twenty minutes at most. I protested and said in a bratty tone, “I was listening to a podcast while sitting on the couch, too.” Reaction Junkie responded that I wouldn’t be allowed to listen to podcasts either.

I got annoyed and said that the reading was supposed to be to get me to read at least twenty minutes, not to limit me to only twenty minutes. Reaction Junkie started to reply, but I kept interrupting, trying to explain myself and convince him to at least let me listen to podcasts while driving and working. He said no, I had to be in silence and think about what I’d done.

I continued interrupting until he got angry with me. He told me that I’d had my chance to talk, and it was now time for me to listen. He said that I’d wanted him to be more strict, and this was him giving me what I wanted. I started to protest again, saying that I didn’t like it, and trying to explain what I thought was a misunderstanding he’d had about something I said. He replied that I said I didn’t like it, but I kind of did. In the moment, I disagreed. We kept talking for a little while and he said I could listen to podcasts while actively working. Not long after that, the call dropped.

That was an awful showing on my part. I should know better. I shouldn’t have stayed up late. I shouldn’t have sat on the couch to lounge when I should have been exercising. And I especially shouldn’t have talked back or interrupted him. Because of course he was right. Once I had a few minutes to cool down, I saw that he hadn’t really misunderstood me, and that the punishments were fitting. If I’d accepted what he was saying right off, I know that I could have made a request to be allowed to listen to podcasts while driving and at work, and he likely would have been agreeable.

I’ve submitted to Reaction Junkie and I’ve asked him to be more strict with me. If I’m going to ask that of him, which requires more work and effort for him, I need to live up to my side of the bargain. I need to do as I’m told. And if I don’t manage to do that, I need to graciously accept whatever kind of discipline he thinks is warranted. Reaction Junkie owns me, he has power over me, he knows what’s best. And I need to respect that.

Daily Picture Assignment #76

I belong to Reaction Junkie. He’s my owner and I’m his property.

My purpose is to please and entertain him. My purpose whatever he says it is. It’s whatever he wants me to do in that moment. If he wants to use my holes (or gives me to other to use) and treat me like a fucktoy, then my purpose is to be a fucktoy. If he wants me to focus at work and do a good job, then my purpose is to be a productive professional. If he wants me to bring him water and do his laundry and cook him dinner and clean the apartment, then my purpose is to do service.

I am whatever he wants, no matter if he’s directly using me or if it’s something that turns me on. The very fact that Reaction Junkie wants me to behave in a certain way or do certain things should be motivation enough, a turn on in and of itself, regardless of the particular behavior or activity at hand.

Daily Picture Assignment #72

Happy hour outfit tonight.

I have submitted to Reaction Junkie and he has accepted that submission. I owe him my obedience and my service. In return, he gives me structure, helps me accomplish my goals, and lets me turn off my brain for a while.

It’s not always easy. Life gets in the way. Feelings interrupt things. I disobey, talk back, and forget my place. Reaction Junkie lets things slide, doesn’t follow through, and forgets hisplace.

We work through those times, making adjustments as life demands. We communicate our thoughts and feelings. Each of us helps the other remember their place. Whatever struggles we go through, at the end of the day, Reaction Junkie owns and controls me, with all the responsibilities associated with that, and I have submitted to and given myself to Reaction Junkie, with all the responsibilities associated with that.

Daily Picture Assignment #69

These are Reaction Junkie’s shoes.We have a protocol in place so that whenever we come home together I have to kneel down, take his shoes off, and wait for him to put my collar on and tell me I may stand. If I’m already there when he comes home, I have to go to the door, get on my knees, take his shoes off, and stay kneeling until he puts my collar on and allows me to get up. This protocol is an “us” thing, and it’s important to me, and to him.

On Monday night, Reaction Junkie got dinner with another partner, so I was home before him. I started cooking, and was getting into it. But when the front door opened and I heard Reaction Junkie’s voice, I stopped what I was doing and started towards him to kneel, take his shoes off, and have my collar put on. Then I heard another voice, his partner’s.

I stopped in my tracks and several emotions went through me. I didn’t have a problem with her being there, but he presence was entirely unexpected. I felt blindsided, unprepared for interacting with her. I like her, but she knows about my jealousy issues, some of them have been about her, and I always feel a bit uncomfortable around her, sometimes even anxious about how to behave. So, even though I had been excited to see Reaction Junkie, I was suddenly reluctant to follow our protocol.

I spun around and went back to the kitchen and kept prepping. They both came into the living room, and Reaction Junkie sat down. He took his shoes off with what sounded like a joking/off-hand comment, something like, “You can’t take them off, since that’s [LFB’s] job.” I was already feeling a bit put out because he hadn’t called me over to remove his shoes for him and to put my collar on me, so when he handed his shoes to his other partner, and said, “Put these by the door,” I started feeling upset. It didn’t help that her response was, “Yes, sir,” even if it was said somewhat jokingly.

I looked up and opened my mouth as if to say something, but instead I just glared at both of them. I didn’t feel great about the expression I knew was on my face, but I kind of didn’t care. I was upset and sad and frustrated and I felt let down and really hurt. He was having someone else take care of his shoes. Something that is supposed to be just between us. Something that is very important to me, and to our d/s dynamic. I felt tears pricking at the corners of my eyes, so I focused very hard on the chopping I was doing in an attempt not to cry.

Then, as she walked towards the front door, he called after her, “Can you grab the collar hanging on the hook by the door?” I went cold for a second. That was the last straw. He didn’t follow our protocol and he was having someone else get my collar? Another partner, no less? I now felt angry. When she came back, Reaction Junkie took my collar from her and came over to me. I think he’d noticed something was up by this point, but if not, when I turned away from him and said, “No.” He tried again, and I repeated my refusal. I think part of me was hoping he would slap me or something, but instead he looked sad, kind of wounded, and he asked me, “Please let me put it on you?” I felt bad for a moment, but shook my head and returned to cooking.

His partner was there for a few more minutes, during which (and I feel bad about this), I stared at the counter and didn’t acknowledge either her or Reaction Junkie. Reaction Junkie walked her to the door and then came back to the kitchen. I said, “I’m glad you don’t care about our d/s dynamic,” or something to that effect, and started to cry. Reaction Junkie replied, “I do care. I care a lot,” sounding hurt and surprised, even a little upset.

I told him how I’d felt when he didn’t follow our protocol and then had his other partner take his shoes to the door. Like he didn’t care about our protocol or he wasn’t thinking about it or he wasn’t thinking about me. He hugged me and explained that it is important to him and he had been thinking about it. In fact, he’d put a lot of thought into it. That was why he didn’t have her take his shoes off, and even said that it was because that’s something only I do. He told me that he hadn’t done the rest of the protocol because I was cooking and he didn’t want to interrupt because sometimes I find that upsetting. Plus, he needed to go to the bathroom.

I listened and started feeling bad about how I’d reacted. I started apologizing and saying that I shouldn’t have reacted like that, that it shouldn’t matter so much, etc. He stopped me and told me that no, I didn’t need to apologize for my feelings, and that of course it’s important. He validated my feelings and said all the right things, which of course made me feel worse about how I’d behaved.

He continued reassuring me and made sure that I understood where he’d been coming from. I was still upset, but starting to feel better. Then Reaction Junkie picked up a bag of stuff to recycle and said, “I’m going to take this out,” looking at me meaningfully before adding, “And I’’m going to put my shoes back on.” I grinned at him and he gave me a kiss and left the apartment. I listened until I heard the front door open. I scampered over to Reaction Junkie, knelt at his feet and removed his shoes. He put my collar on me, reminded me that I’m his, and had me crawl back to the kitchen.

In the future, I’m going to do a better job of giving him the benefit of the doubt. He loves me and cares about me, so he wouldn’t intentionally do something like have someone else provide him a service that is just an us thing. He’s very smart, so I would do well to assume that he’s given thought to what he does, particularly in relation to things that are important to me. If I’m uncertain about something, instead of imagining the worst (that he doesn’t care about our dynamic), I should trust him enough to communicate my concerns, not shut down and turn away.

In addition to the relationshipy/love/partner type of reasons I should have behaved differently, there is also the fact that he owns me and I’ve submitted to him. He knows best, so if he deviates from our usual routine, I should trust that he has a reason. Additionally, I shouldn’t allow external factors stop me from doing my part. If I had remembered my place and the promise of my submission, I wouldn’t have stopped on my way to take his shoes off just because I was surprised by another person being with him. I shouldn’t feel shy or embarrassed about demonstrating my submission by following our protocol. I should feel proud and pleased with myself, happy to show off that submission and have others see the connection that Reaction Junkie and I have.

In the future, when I think that Reaction Junkie is showing that he doesn’t care about our dynamic, or does something else that I feel hurt by, I’m going to do things differently. I’m going to assume that he’s included me in his decision making. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt, not jump right to the worst conclusions. I’m going to remember that he loves me and cares about my feelings. I’m going to communicate. I’m going to follow our protocols and rules and do as he says no matter how I feel or who else is around. I’m going to recognize that he knows best. I’m going to actively remind myself that I’ve submitted to him all the time, not just when I feel like it. I’m going to work hard to be a better partner and to live up to what I’ve written on this blog.

Daily Picture Assignment #65

Happy hour outfit from a few weeks ago.

I’m not always immediately obedient or eager to please when Reaction Junkie tells me to do something. Sometimes I’m sassy. Sometimes I whine. Sometimes I’m bratty. Sometimes I pout. Sometimes I hesitate. Sometimes I refuse. Sometimes I argue.

Sometimes I even get Reaction Junkie to let me off the hook, if he’s feeling generous or if he can tell I’m getting overwhelmed. But at the end of the day, if Reaction Junkie gives me an instruction, and my attempts to change his mind are unsuccessful, or he’s decided to be particularly firm, I must obey him.

If we get into a battle of wills because I really really don’t want to do something, but he still wants me to, I should concede and submit to his will. If I don’t have a good reason why I shouldn’t have to something (not feeling like it doesn’t count), I shouldn’t try to change his mind. Even if I do have a good reason, once I’ve plead my case, I should happily accept whatever Reaction Junkie decides, especially if he still wants me to follow the original instructions.

I will do a better job of remembering my place, even when given a command I really dislike. I’ve submitted to Reaction Junkie, and I need to remember that. I need to live up to the promise of that submission and to everything I’ve said and written. And I will.

Daily Picture Assignment #151

Reaction Junkie’s happily owned submissive little cunt.

This week’s topic: Submission no matter where I am.

To illustrate this theme, I wrote today’s post while kneeling/sitting on the floor next to my owner at his workplace, since he had to go in on Sunday night.

I have submitted to my owner. This is a submission that exists any time, any place. No matter where, no matter when. My submission doesn’t end when I leave the house or while I’m at work. I need to find ways to show my submission wherever I am and whatever I’m doing.

The collar I wear 24/7 is a symbol of the ongoing and non-context dependent nature of my submission, my chosen place in relation to my owner, and his total ownership of me. This week I’m having a medical procedure, and my owner will have to remove my collar for it. During that time, that symbol won’t be present, but my submission still will be. I will keep in mind that even without the collar, he still owns me and I am still submissive to him. Just as he always does and just as I always am.

Then, when I get home, I will kneel before him as he places it around my neck. And with that, I will again have a constant reminder of his ownership and my submission, which I will proudly wear it for all to see.

Daily Picture Assignment #117

I must be obedient to my owner. I have submitted power and control to him.

When he tells me to do something, I need to do it. He knows what’s best.

If I think I have a good reason not to do as he says or that he doesn’t have a relevant piece of information, I should tell him. He will listen, of course, but I must accept whatever decision he makes after that.

Daily Picture Assignment #103

Orders are not to be whined about, groaned at, or refused. Orders are to be obeyed.

Daily Picture Assignment #97

I wore this little number when Reaction Junkie went out Saturday night. There were also boots over the rainbow pegasus socks.

When Reaction Junkie wants me to do something, he doesn’t always frame it as an order. Sometimes he’ll say something like, “Would you please get me a glass of water?” or “When we get home, could you star the laundry?” I often find myself being more obedient when things are phrased as orders instead of requests, so I’d prefer he give me orders.

Reaction Junkie doesn’t need to be polite or ask me to do things. When I’ve pointed this out to him in the past, he’s told me that because he owns me, is dominant over me, I should interpret any instruction, no matter how polite it may appear, as an order. He added that if he wants to extend social niceties to me, he can do that. He may decide to be polite to keep up appearances around those who don’t understand that he owns me.

And, of course, he’s right. I need to learn to interpret his polite requests as the orders they are. However, I think that, as I sometimes forget my place, Reaction Junkie sometimes forgets his place. He’s my owner, and I’ve submitted to him, yes, but we’re also in a loving relationship where we are each as important and deserving of respect as the other. That can make it easy to forget the underlying truth of our dynamic.

I’m going to work hard to take even the most polite requests as orders. At the same time, I’m going to start responding to all of those instructions, from the request phrased as a question to the barked order, with “Yes, sir” or “No, sir,” and I’m going to start referring to him with honorifics (sir, dear, or other ones we’ve discussed) more frequently, especially when we’re focusing on our dynamic and when I’m feeling disobedient or moody.

Using honorifics more often, and always when obeying an order, will remind both Reaction Junkie and I of our respective places.

Daily Picture Assignment #148

Outfit inspired by the instruction “Boots and Cats.”

The fourth reason it’s important to follow orders is that it helps me to be better in the future. Following an order now lays the groundwork for me to follow the next order just a bit more instinctively. It teaches me to push past any reticence or annoyance and do as I’m told.

Obedience, especially obedience in times of stress or distraction, isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I need to practice it. Following simple and easy instructions, like “get me a glass of water,” helps me to exercise those mental muscles that will serve me will in the future when I get more difficult instructions or when I’m in a mental place that isn’t conducive to obedience.

Daily Picture Assignment #147

Happy hour outfit from Tuesday. This time the inspiration given to me by my owner was “The World.” I’m unreasonably pleased with how well the panties and the socks match.

The third reason it’s important to follow orders is that it pleases my owner.

Pleasing him is the overarching goal under which I should operate. My purpose is to please him and entertain him and make him happy. That’s what I’m here for. More than that, I want him to be happy. Doing as he says makes him happy, both because he wants done gets done, and because I have obeyed him. It pleases him when I’m a good girl.

Daily Picture Assignment #144

This little cunt just wants to be a good girl.

Daily Picture Assignment #139

Marked by my owner.

It’s lasted for a week now, and I love having it. It’s got me nostalgic for old times, when I would be almost constantly marked in one way or another.

From now on, I’m going to do a better job of taking what needs to happen to produce those lovely reminders of fun and of my place.

Daily Picture Assignment #130

Outfit from last week’s happy hour.

I was bad on Wednesday night. My owner said he wanted water. I know that him saying that should be as good as him telling me to get it and that I should be eager to do what he needs, even without him asking for it. I should have said, “Yes, sir!” and hopped to it.

Instead I said, “Then you should get some water.” and smiled a half-sweet and half-annoyed smile at him. He frowned at me and said, “What I meant to say was,‘Get me some water.’” I whined, “I don’t want to!” Reaction Junkie gave me a look, and eventually I did as I ought and poured him a glass of water, however reluctantly.

It was not my shining moment. Granted, I was tired, and a little while earlier, we’d seen a cop do something messed up to someone, so I was still agitated. Still, that’s no excuse for my behavior, especially the outright refusal to obey. When my owner rephrased his desire as a command, it should have snapped me out if it.

That I was upset about something is all the more reason I should have obeyed. I know that following orders helps grounds me. It gives me a sense of purpose, reminds me of my place at home and in my relationship, and helps stop my mind racing.

In the future, when I’m feeling stressed and am given an order, instead of responding poorly, I’m going to take the order as an opportunity.An opportunity to get out of my head, an opportunity to show that I can be good, even under pressure, and an opportunity to please my owner.

Daily Picture Assignment #126

That ass Thursday!

Fairly frequently, I ask my owner to help make sure I do things. For example, we’re having dinner with a friend tonight, and I usually exercise right after work. But timing with that would be stressful because of dinner, so I’m planning on exercising afterwards. So I’ve asked Reaction Junkie to tell me to do it when we get home.

More frequently than I’d like, when he gives me the instruction to do something I’ve asked him to make me to, I’m not very obedient. I say I don’t need to do it anymore, I promise to do it later (and then never do), I whine, I pout, I argue, and sometimes I even get mad. That needs to change.

Not only shouldn’t I do those things whenever my owner gives me an order, it’s especially bad, unfair even, if I do them when I’ve asked him to make me do something. It’s an unpleasant experience for Reaction Junkie, which is bad because my main goal is to make him happy and because it makes it makes him less inclined to give me orders in the future.

I should make giving me orders a more positive experience. I want to please my owner and make him proud. I need to be more obedient and submit better. I will be more obedient and submit better. Tonight, when he tells me to exercise, I will obey immediately and without any comment besides, “Yes, sir.”

Daily Picture Assignment #37

My outfit for happy hour tonight made me think about change and metamorphosis. Namely, how I should change to be whatever Reaction Junkie wants or needs me to be.

When he wants me to be a puppy, I will be a puppy. When he wants me to be an obedient sub, I will be an obedient sub. When he wants me to be a dirty slut, I will be a dirty slut.

When he needs me to be his loving partner, I will be his loving partner. When he needs me to be a proactive sub, I will be a proactive sub. And when he needs me to be the one in charge for a little while, I will be the one in charge for a little while, fully aware that as soon as he needs or wants me to be something else, I will be, because I know who is really in charge at the end of the day.

I’m here for his pleasure and entertainment, to make his life better. That’s my purpose. I am whoever and whatever he wants or needs me to be.

Daily Picture Assignment #33

I belong to Reaction Junkie. All day, every day. It doesn’t matter what’s happening in our lives. It doesn’t matter if we’re having problems. It doesn’t matter if we’re upset with each other.

At the end of the day, I am Reaction Junkie’s sub, his partner, his treasured property, his cute little puppy, his good girl, his favorite toy.

I am his. Always.

Daily Picture Assignment #33

Reaction Junkie owns this haute mess.

Every day I should strive to be the best owned little feminist bitch I can be. That means putting forth extra effort to look good. That means dressing in ways he likes. That means obeying without whining when he gives me orders. That means accepting punishment readily and gratefully. That means being proactive in my submission. That means anticipating what he wants before he says a word.

I’m proud to call him my owner. I want him to be proud to call me his.

Daily Picture Assignment #30

When Reaction Junkie orders me to do something because I’m stressed and near to freaking out, I shouldn’t say,“No” because I’m worried about how much time it will take from the things I think I should be doing.

What I should do is say, “Yes, sir” and scurry off to do it, smiling because I know he wants me to be happy, so he’s giving me something to take me out of my head and distract me from my anxiety.

Daily Picture Assignment #54

When Reaction Junkie gives me an instruction, denies me a request, or says, “No,” I will not:

• Whine

• Talk back
• Pout

I will:

• Smile and say, “Yes, sir.”

Daily Picture Assignment #44

When Reaction Junkie got home yesterday, I greeted him at the door with flowers. I’d been grocery shopping, seen the bouquets, and impulse bought one for him.

I was delighted to be able to reverse the gender roles a bit and bring him flowers in an attempt to brighten his day. I was even more pleased with myself that he said they had done, even if just a bit.

Of course, doing something to cheer your partner up is not at all exclusively a d/s or kink thing. For me, though, it does tie in with the idea that my main purpose is to bring Reaction Junkie pleasure and provide him with entertainment.

I should strive to go the extra mile and be proactive in pleasing him and making him happy every day. Without him having to ask. That may mean buying him flowers or tying him up or going out with someone or baking for him or managing my jealousy better or being a punching bag or refraining from pouting or keeping the apartment in order or any number of other things.

If I think of some way I can make his life happier and better, I should do it. That’s what I’m here for.