#binghamton

Hailey McIntire, I am going to ramble a bit here and if this ever reaches the other dimension, I apologize in advance if i don’t make sense – I’m a bit sleep deprived, slightly off-kilter because I’ve had some bottles of angry orchard on your behalf last night, and being in the 20s generally suck for many unless you have rich parents constantly pumping money into their kids’ hippie-tastic life (not to be confused with the real hippies). Quite frankly, I don’t care if some of these young, rich “hippies” get offended and delete me. Yeah, they probably have their own problems that I don’t know about so I shouldn’t say shit like this, but that is not the point of this ramble (my rambles never have a point). Whatever. I have angry orchard running in my veins right now and just can’t even manage to put up a mental filter right now. Perhaps, it’s best to show people what the unfiltered version of me looks like. Saves all of us some time. Hailey, you always loved unfiltered conversations. You always embraced the “i’m a horrible person” persona, but in reality you were such a good person that the ostentatious, sick-to-my-stomach goody two shoes people around me who keep shoving their inner “goodness” in other people’s face have started to appear evil in my eyes. Because of you, I have become more cognizant of the fake good people in this world, perhaps I’m one of them. This is not a complaint, btw. I am not a people person anyway, so the more I can weed out the better. So thank you.

A year ago from today, we could’ve been in Ithaca enjoying the hike and the farmer’s market. You would’ve been a senior at BU this year in linguistics, sulking over your advanced Arabic class, ordering white sauce Dominos pizza online instead of doing your Arabic homework and ultimately inviting me over for some pizza and beer. BTW, Hailey and I both prefer white sauce over red sauce on our pizza (some of you NYers can suck it if you have a problem with this). Oh and that Bioshock game…let’s not even go there lol.
Also, Binghamton feels dull without you, Hailey…the city itself is going through great changes and it feels great on the surface but by the end of the day, it feels empty again because you are not physically with us. This place will never feel complete without a personality like yours. Every Tues and Thurs, I always looked forward to waking up knowing that I would see you at the bus stop on my way to work. You would recite your Arabic to me on our way to campus in preparation for your class and for all I know you could’ve been telling me to fuck off in arabic and I wouldn’t even know. I’ve always been impressed by your knack for foreign language. I don’t get to experience any of this anymore. It’s certainly empty here on Mill Street. However, I have not lost you. You have taught me many things. I’ve been reminiscing our conversations and there are many parts that I am starting to understand even more now as I continue to think about life. My experience with you as a friend, neighbor, and fellow BU bearcat has been very valuable to me and I am using this to explore myself, grow, and be more aware. I have been trying harder (well…I still fuck things up as usual).

This is a process I am going through right now and so far it has been a great reminder that you are in fact present in this world, in my memory.

Although I can no longer see, touch, and hear you…you are still here being a great friend that you have always been and I know this because I am going through a personal change, a change that others cannot notice but myself. This change is because of you. Can’t say if the change is for the better or for worse, but change is happening. What I’m trying to say is that you are making this change and this is all because you are still here. I simultaneously miss you greatly and don’t miss you at the same time realizing you are still here with me. It’s sort of like the object permanence idea, but the adult version. My senses don’t detect your presence, but my mind is starting to transcend what my body can observe. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m making any sense here. Guess I could’ve made this short and simple: HAILEY, YOU ARE HERE. You had a bottle of Angry Orchard with me last night and I think you spilled some fourth dimension balkan into my drink as a joke to mess with my head…and I like that.  
Holy fuck, tho. It feels like my brain has a cape on. Hailey, you rock. #buddiesforlife